IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY....

Sing it with me now!... "IT CAN'T BE THAT BAAAAAAADDD."

I couldn't sleep last night... I was laying in bed trying to think through all the stuff going on in life... 

The real exciting stuff: 

Debt Consolidation.

Success at Work.

Hitting My Sales Goals.

Projects Flowing Smoothly. 

Existential Dread. 

The Sunday Scaries turned into Monday Insomnia. 

House Plans. 

Longterm Goals. 

Workout Plans. 

Meals for the Week. 

Thinking through what I would I do if I could do anything I wanted... What would my dream life look like? 

I have asked other people this question to try to better understand them. To get a glimpse of someone's hopes, dreams, interests, desire, motivations. But I am not sure I have ever actually asked myself. 

What would I do if I could do anything?

The answer is kind of lame... I would probably own a Boutique of some kind. Stay focused on health and wellness. Macros and fitness. Travel more. Flip furniture and go thrifting. Sell my treasures. Be a writer, tell stories, keep up with this blog. Share on social media, start an online eCommerce brand. 

When I think about what makes me happy, and who I would be if I could manage to be the best version of myself consistently. Every day. What would I be able to accomplish? 

I started this year wanting to do Dry January... I made it like 6 days. I then drank 21/29 days in February. I am about to hit my first day without Booze in March today... because its Monday 3/4. I drank 5 days in a row this last week. 

And here is a honest look at my drinking: 

Wednesday, Hockey Game in the Suite: 4:30pm Pregame 2 Espresso Martini's, a whiteclaw and a vodka soda before we leave for the 7p game. At the game Ultra, two Vodka Sodas, another Ultra = 8 cocktails

Thursday night was a wine tasting:

A White Claw and 1 glass of wine preparty

6 1 ounce pours which is about a glass, extra wine left over 2 more glasses, glass at Bird after, home to make dinner, two more glasses = 7 glasses of wine (4 is a bottle) and a white claw

Friday HH a carafe of wine which I think is 3 glasses. Home to porch party, 2 espresso martinis, 2 glasses of bubbles, red wine 3 glasses = 8 glasses of wine (2 bottles) and two cocktails

Saturday I cleaned the house all day... I worked on everything... Then at 3:00 I popped a bottle of champs and got into Mimosas (3) Chris came home from golf and made an espresso martini, so I had one here, then one at our friends, then a high noon. Two margaritas at dinner, 2 old fashions and two vodka sodas after dinner = 12 drinks 

Sunday hungover... or at least as hungover as someone like me gets... two mimosas, espresso martini, 3 vodka sodas, a red bull and vodka, a Paloma, a Vizzy, two glasses or wine = 11 drinks

So two sober days... and then 49 alcoholic beverages later... And to think... I have not even called this a problem yet, 

Lets look at my sober days: I hit my food macros, I worked out at PLNK one day and got a walk in the other. I read a book before bed two nights in a row. My skincare got done. I felt less bloated, less foggy. More reset and ready... Sober Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were really productive and happy days. 

The alcohol tolerance I have built since I was 16 years old with very few long term breaks have made it to where a week with this many cocktails doesn't even really set me back. I still wake up. I still workout, I get to work and get stuff done. I drank more than 6000 calories when you factor in the couple of Mambo Taxis on Saturday Night. That is roughly HALF of the calories I should be eating in a week. There goes my deficit. I am hurt so I am not lifting. I need a new gym because I finally got fed up with getting hurt and the mean girls at my old one. 

I am just not who I want to be... My ADHD is not being treated like it should because my meds are working to offset the alcohol imbalance from drinking not fix my real issues. I am gaining weight, unmotivated, and sick of my own shit... 

So Why am I still drinking?  I don't know what your definition of alcoholic is but mine has always been someone who can't miss a day, who drinks in the morning, or to get through the day. That throws up and has massive hangovers that keep them from functioning. I am none of those things. I function well. 

But we can all agree my alcohol consumption is definitely Alcohol Abuse. I am not having one glass of wine at a tasting, I am having several before during and after. It isn't a cocktail to relax after work its six but lets be clear I don't even feel 1,2, and 3. It takes that many to get me where I have any kind of noticeable affect. 

So what would my life look like if I didn't drink? Well for one... I would miss it. The great wine with a perfect dinner. Opening a bottle on a Friday with my love over a Dominos Pizza. I would miss Happy Hour catching up with my best friend... Not sure how Chris would even manage it... He doesn't drink like I do, unless he is drinking with me. But he has a chill mode... He can have a singular Bourbon and be good. Or one glass of wine not a bottle. He can have two glasses and not need to open another bottle for a 3rd. I do not... 

The whole Sober Curious movement is a thing... I have several friends adjacent, not like my good friends, but people I know who have given up drinking. Celebrating milestones and loving how they feel. 

What would I be like, would I be more focused? Would I read all the books I want to read? My diet and workouts would be way more beneficial. Would I build the dream business? Would my moodiness and seasonal depression decline? Would I run more consistently? See massively positive changes that make it all worth it? Yes. I am 100% sure I would... 

So why am I so entrenched in this habit. So hell bent on keeping myself in this really unhealthy cycle that is now taking its toll on my mental health. So many things I can think of to do but even writing this, a White Claw with my best friend after 5 days of drinking would be hard to say no too. So what is my plan? What do I want the most? 

How much discomfort am I willing to put myself through to reach long term health, wealth, wellness, and success goals? Will I live this life... that is good. It is a good life. I have a very nice life... OR will I strive for an extraordinary one? 

I HAVEN'T WRITTEN

 I HAVEN'T WRITTEN HERE IN SO LONG I kind of forgot what this blog was all about... That's not entirely true... It was an online diary of heartbreak and hopefulness. I have written (inconsistently) for the last 15 years. 

In that time, I have dated, fallen in like, in lust, and in love. I have gotten married and swiftly divorced. I have lived with a sex addict and tried to fix him with unconditional acceptance and therapy - neither worked. I have been abused, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I took over a year off dating and worked on my codependent attachment issues and healing. That "season of solitude" was the hardest, greatest gift I ever gave myself... which led me here. 

Healthy. Happy. Stable. And in my FOREVER Relationship. 

So why write now? What do I have to share? 

I really don't know... It has been on my heart to write on this blog again. To give new perspective to old pain and maybe share a little wisdom that came with lessons learned the hard way, and age. Now seems good because my daughter is in college, secure in her self worth and my dating stories will be less embarrassing to her now than as a teenager. 

Maybe because I want to talk to the lost girl desperately trying to find a way to give love but doing it in all the wrong ways to all the wrong people and let her know... This is something you can change. This is something you can overcome just like you have every heartbreaking romance since you were 16. I want to let her know there is a way to heal, to become who you want to be, to find love everywhere in your life that is NOT a romantic relationship and when you do... The good stuff isn't far behind. 

That Forever Relationship I mentioned, it is real. We are actually as happy in real life as we look on Instagram. We communicate well, we love and support, and forgive. We are patient with each other, and a team above all else. We share a life and we love every minute of it... well most minutes because after all we are human. But this person, he is really it for me and he has seen me, known me, and loves all the pieces of me. Even the broken ones I still consistently work at putting back together. 

I think now I want to write from a place of understanding that it took a lot of work to get to a place where I was ready for the love I was looking for... I stopped looking, because I had always had it. That love was always in me. And I am confident, it is in you too. 

What I Have To Give

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO I MADE A LIST. I wrote a blog detailing what I wanted in "My Person". It was ridiculously detailed and can be found HERE. The picture I paint of the man I want to be with is precise. From height to, interests, religious views, family dynamic, how I want them to make me feel. It is raw and well thought out. Probably a little overwhelming when shared with a man trying to determine if he meets this criteria I created. But it really is the desires of my heart expressed as eloquently as I can, with my gift of so many words.  

But today... In my morning reading and processing of all my thoughts and feelings; which can be a lot. I realized I have not set out, in writing, with the same detail and thoughtfulness WHO I WILL BE to another person. I looked at this like, here is what I want and I know I will be a good match for this kind of man... But Today. I want to give this some intention. I want to highlight my goals, what is valuable to me, the desires of the heart that I want to bring to the table. Let's look at this from the other side. Let's give some purpose to, who I will be, to this man I am seeking. 

I will be a faith-filled partner. I will seek God first wholeheartedly every single day. I will give priority to my relationship with Jesus. I will spend my mornings in prayer, meditation, and devotionals. I say, "I will" but this is something I already do. This is a habit I have cultivated. I will continue to be a student of the Lord. A worthy partner in prayer and I will seek God alongside you, continually renewing my mind and transforming my spirit every day. 

I will be a nurturer and a mother. Not only will I continue to work hard at having a healthy relationship with my daughter but I will cultivate relationships with your children as well. I will be respectful of their mother and understand my place as a bonus member of their family. I will step into whatever role is asked of me in blending a family. 

I will work, hard and always. I will never rely on you to solely support me or my family. I will use my gifts and talents to create an income and I will contribute. Whether it is a traditional 9-5, or through my consulting company and personal opportunities. Or as I launch this blog, platform, and eventual book for real. I will contribute, and I will be irrationally generous with the abundance provided to me, to us. 

I will be a team player. I will prioritize the health and wellbeing of our family as a whole. I will love, and serve, being an example of submissive servitude because I want to be with a leader. I desire to have a protector, provider, leader of the household and I will support that equally. 

I know... that sounds super old fashioned from a woman that has been single the majority of her adult life. I have made decisions, raised a daughter, battled through a whole heck of a lot all by myself. I have proven I am absolutely capable of anything. I can lead. I will lead. I don't want to have to be that at home... You will know I am more than capable of pretty much anything I want, all by myself. But you will feel empowered everyday to be our leader. 

I will be the most fun you have ever had in your life. I will stay adventurous and seeking new experiences. I will be up for anything and down for whatever. You will have a best friend in me. Want to golf Sunday, I'm in. Feel like spending 8 hours on the couch watching football, done. Concert night and dancing, sign me up! Steak dinner and an over priced bottle of wine, yes please. Night in the middle of the woods by a fire, 100%. I want to go and do and experience everything this beautiful life has to offer with you. 

I will continue to work on myself. To identify strengths and weaknesses. I will be a good steward of the gifts I have been given. I will never stop learning. I will always be growing and working to be the very best version of myself. I can promise the person you are getting is better than anyone before you has ever gotten. That will be true forever. 

I will prioritize my health. Physically I will stay in the gym and make sure I am challenging myself to be the strongest I can. I will be mindful of my heart, literally. So that I can be on this planet as long as possible with you. I will stay mindful of my medical conditions. Follow up on doctors visits, actively fight any obstacle placed before me. I will not get wrapped up in complacency now that I have you but I will be better for it. And I will push you in the same way... to do the same. To stay on track and on target so we are both as able bodied as possible. 

My spiritual health already comes first, but my mental health and growth will stay top of mind as well. When I see the deep dark scary place on the horizon. I will not shut down. I will lean into you. I will let you see my brokenness trusting, in my weakest moments, you will be our strength. I will do my best to be the same for you. 

I will cherish the intimacy and vulnerability between us. I will do my best to lead with love in all situations. I will not take the secrets that you intrust in me and use them against you. I will not weaponize your vulnerability or withhold affection as a form of manipulation. I will be aware of the health of our relationship and work diligently at maintaining our connection long term. I will water the grass on this side of the fence always. 

You will have no need to question my faithfulness, loyalty, or steadfastness. I will be the Proverbs 31 woman - a wife of noble character. You will have "full confidence" in me. I will "bring [you] good and not harm, all the days of [my] life." I will "work with eager hands" I will "get up while it is still dark; [providing] food for our family and portions for those we serve." I will "set about [my] work vigorously; arms strong for my tasks." I will "open [my] arms to the poor and extend hands to the needy." I will make it a goal to be "clothed in strength and dignity; to laugh at the days to come." "To speak with wisdom, and faithful instruction." I will "watch over the affairs of the household, and not eat the bread of idleness." I will fear the Lord. 

You see, I won't value things the way the world does. I will not forget the lessons I have learned the hard way. I will not bring past pain to you to heal. I will seek to do the work on myself so you are getting the very best version of me. I have finally found the kind of woman I truly want to be. 

I might cuss too much, and you may have to watch me on whisky drinkin' nights. I might tell stories of lovers past that make you uncomfortable, but I do it so I can connect with other women. The generation that comes behind me navigating the heartbreaking world of dating. I will never try to hurt you or stir up jealousy. I will ensure that you feel loved and chosen every single day. 

I will maintain my independence and my friendships. I will never put the burden of my happiness on you. But just like Ruth, "Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

I will probably always be a walking contradiction of simple and high maintenance; of over the top and super chill. But trust me, I know how to find contentment on my own and will just seek to be your partner. I hope you are as self aware and open to communication as I am because I see what I bring to the table and want to be "equally yoked" with someone long term. 

Also, I think I accidentally may have written some wedding vows here. So, Man I am currently giving my time an attention to, don't freak out when/if you see this... I may or may not be for you. That is yet to be determined. But I won't push you or change you or try to rush anything I will learn you. If we seamlessly fit together and this is my longterm... then I hope you feel as lucky as me to find what you have always been looking for... and if I am not your woman... well I hope you feel loved, and cared for in the time we are together.

A Season of Solitude

I HAVE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE IN PURSUIT OF A RELATIONSHIP. I wish this was an exaggeration but it is not. 

A little boy taught me how to tie my shoes when I was two at Miss Helens Nursery and Dance School back in 1985. I think my first diary entry when I could write was somewhere around 6 years old and at that time, Adam Granis "didn't know I was even alive." I had a crush on the same boy from Kindergarten until I was probably damn near 30. 

My first kiss was an older boy from church who I had pined after since he caught me running down a way too steep incline at a church retreat in 1994. In 1998 when I was a sophomore and he was a senior in high school; I was his little brother's date to a winter formal. There, he asked me to dance, and gave me my first real kiss. 

My mom still laughs about when I was "too young to date" as a freshman in high school, what seemed like the entire baseball team came to pick me up to take me to the fair. I wasn't allowed to date; but I was always good with working the system to my advantage.

I have gone from relationship, to crush, or pursuit of relationship my entire life. 

If I am honest with myself, the 20s when I was basically single raising Maddie; I was always dating someone. There has been a man interested in me or me in him at every moment of my life from what seems like infancy to now. 

As I reluctant as I have been to embrace the months of healing and singleness post The Handyman aka the Most Toxic Relationship of My Life (and that is saying something). I can see how I have slowly become more and more in-tune with the necessity of solitude in healing. 

I pretty firmly believe you cannot get under one to get over another, no matter how much I tried in my 20s. You cannot simply replace the object of your affection with a new version when you have felt the sting of rejection. You cannot heal the wounds of lovers past by pouring yourself into someone new; no matter how good those attachment hormones feel in the beginning. 

You CANNOT become who you are supposed to be without some sort of season of solitude in self reflection. Or maybe more accurately - I CANNOT. 

I cannot keep repeating the patterns that you can literally read the last 12 years of in this blog; and expect a different result. But this season of solitude I am finally embracing - it is for more. 

One of the main focuses of 2021 for me has been to reduce my alcohol consumption; increase my time in devotionals, scripture, and prayer; fill my mind with positive and affirming ideas that motivate, challenge, and encourage me - less TV more books; and be the strongest version of myself physically, comfortable in my own skin for the long term. 

I am proud to say I am actually in a rhythm with this. The reduction in drinking has really cleared my mind and made a 5:30am wake up time routine. 

I start my day in the Word which is a habit of mine very few know anything about. I have watched my mother sit at the kitchen table for as long as I can remember spending hours pouring over the Bible and in prayer for friends and family. This has become such a routine; I swear Jesus hears my little momma first in his line of requests on a daily basis.  

A few scriptures that have encouraged me to keep this momentum going are Proverbs 31:15 "She gets up while it is still dark" and Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

The other scriptures that have really spoken to me about this Season of Solitude have been in my studies of Jesus himself. When he went off into the wilderness to pray for 40 days and 40 nights before he was crucified. He had his own "season of solitude" wrestling with the task before him. The great sacrifice he was called to make.

How important is the Season of Solitude when being called into my next chapter of life? In my mind it is INSANELY important and for the first time EVER I am willing to embrace it. In fact, I am ready for it. 

Relationships are exhausting and for me; the last one was particularly traumatic. Although I tried with all my might to let my usual routine of avoidance walk me through the hard parts; this one I couldn't. I had to face it. I had to face the violence, the lies, the literal Psychopath that slept next to me for months. The man who stole from me, and abused me. He emotionally tortured me, and he enjoyed it. He went so far as to compliment me "emotional abuse looks good on you" referencing my dramatic weight loss; heavily encouraged (demanded) by him. 

When I went into my old patterns, finding someone new that I liked more than him to take my mind off him; some one new to build something with - I don't even do this intentionally. I actually convince myself I am over it; and then begin the process of stepping back out there after a few days or weeks of mourning. I even try to remain friends with exes as I move on, like I am proving to them (and myself) that I am ok with whatever transpired. 

This time - I was broken. For real broken. I no longer trusted myself; let alone anyone else. I no longer could believe what my intuition was telling me about another person's intentions or the motives behind actions. This one shattered me. It wasn't what he did to me; all though that was horrific. It was what I DID TO MYSELF. I stayed. I came back. I feel for the cycle of abuse, the alienation of affection that pushed me to make changes to earn the lavish love I was once shown back; followed by the damage of trusts and promises to change from him. 

He showed me just enough good, just enough potential, just enough of what he knew I wanted - and I stayed. 

The ending made me stronger. I stood up to him in a way that will help any other girl faced with his temper, and abuse escape - when she is ready. But also, I learned a whole lot more about me. 

This time, the men I met on apps or through friends they weren't appealing to me. And the one, who was... was mature enough to let me know He wasn't ready and in turn, I realized how not ready I am too. 

I played with the idea of finding someone, I gripped tightly to Scott Who'snotinlovewithme for affection and to fill the gap. I went on dates, I had conversations... I TRIED to do things the same old way. I TRIED. Trust me. I battled this tooth and nail for as long as I could... and then... Finally, I gave in. 

This is it: This is my Season of Solitude. The time to really focus on the desires of my heart and what I want moving forward. To build the entrepreneurial business of my dreams, to start the new blog, podcast, and Facebook Group; to dedicate 2 hours of my morning to time with God and myself. To be intentional with prayer and manifestation. To be healthy physically and spend several hours of my week running, in yoga, and lifting weights. This is the last 6 months of having a child. In June she is officially an adult; headed off to college. This is the season that I focus on what I will do with my time when it isn't spent being a mom 7 days a week. 

I deeply desire a life partner. You know that, that has not changed. I would give just about anything to slap Scott Who'snotinlovewithme into the realm of understanding how utterly perfect we would be together. I want the man of my dreams I articulated in detail years ago on this very blog. I yearn for him; whoever he maybe. My soul aches for this person who is meant to be my partner in life. I would do anything to meet him, and I have. I have tried everything... But ONE.

Not looking. Working solely on me. Becoming the Woman I was called to be outside of any man. Building the empire I want... All on my own. Not with someone else carrying weight. This is the time that I let God, the Universe, whatever higher power you believe in; this is the time that I let Him do what needs to be done in me. I am in a season of preparation for the next great thing. Whether it is a business venture, or personal adventures I am not sure - I would bet a bit of both. 

I am ushering it in. I am a magnet for all the good things God is wanting to do in my life. And I am going to document this in many ways as I push forward in 2021.

I have my prayer journal, which contains scriptures, gratitudes, and affirmations. I have a workout and food journal holding me accountable to my health and fitness goals. I have a handful of girlfriends who are listening to my stories and watching me wrestle reluctantly into this season of solitude when I would much rather have a hot cowboy taking me to two step. I am keeping a calendar of alcohol consumption to be sure I am breaking the generational dependency on booze as a form of self medication. I deleted the apps that I turn to in moments of boredom, mindlessly swiping left and right looking for connections that will not fulfill the desires of my heart. I am finally, finally doing this thing. 

I guess I have been for a while but now, I am doing it intentionally. 

I literally cannot wait to see what is in store for me this year. 2021 although not perfect by any stretch, full of spinning plates in the air; its already such a peaceful fulfilling year for me. 

I hope it is for you too. 

Scott Who'snotinlovewithme

BRACE YOURSELVES... This may come as a shock to you... It certainly did me. Scott Who'snotinlovewithme, is in fact NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

I guess I need to recap... I think I call him HOT BEER MAN some or maybe Mr CoorsLight. We had a phone call that I am pretty sure I knew in that moment it had changed my life. I remember every detail of our first 4 hour conversation like it was yesterday. But it was April 28th. 

We followed up our 5 hour download of each others lives with a first date. In true sunshine fashion... a weekend together at the lake. I write about him Here. I have started to write about him since but really I've just had so many other things going this story line seems to have been coasting along until today. 

I will give you the very abridged recap of this romance.... We went to the lake for the weekend had a good time, talked for another week and then when it came time to make plans for the next weekend he ended it. He said I was a cool girl and I would make someone really happy but I wasn't for him. I handled this with grace and poise, not always my standard. Played it off as no biggie and went two weeks without talking to him. 

On his birthday, which is the day before mine I sent him a quick text wishing him well and happy birthday to my birthday buddy. He said thanks and apologized for being such a douche. I told him ending things with me with honesty was never a douche move and I would always be his friend. He asked me to spend the weekend with him and so began our casual, no strings, affair. 

We saw each other maybe once a month, sometimes less depending on how busy we were. He would every so often go silent and I would force a response but never was I my usual crazy self. We did this for months. 

I actually believed it was for the best. 

You see, during the time I met Scott, I was still in the toxic nightmare that is the handyman. Scott was actually the one man that distracted me deep in the throws of emotional abuse and manipulation. Scott may not have been in love with me but he valued me. He was honest with me. He disclosed expectations. He never left me wondering where I stood. He was not in the business of hurting me, he wasn't playing me, or using me, or testing his player skills seeing what he could get away with. He just wasn't in a place to date me. 

There were a lot of conversations about this. He told me he was busy and that was true, his work life is a solid 60 hours a week. His mother is not necessarily in good health. His passion is hunting and the outdoors; he was going to be a phantom for a while and I was ok with it. 

In our usual pattern of communication I was keeping lines open and he was slow to respond. But today for some reason I woke up this morning and I was like, hey... whats going on... are you not speaking to me? Am I in silent treatment mode? What did I do to deserve this stonewall? I sent this text at 6:30am. Nothing. 

I wasn't worried or concerned about it, he works from like 5:30-5:30 every day. Not responding to me when I wake up is pretty normal. But for some reason today I did something I never do... I called. 

See he had been on my mind all day, I even talked to him with Mr. Concrete (an ex from like 13 years ago that I also do some work with) today. I told him I was loving being really, really single accept for Scott Whosnotinlovewithme. If Scott Who'snotinlovewithme would just wife me already... we laughed. So when he didn't answer I sent a text that I knew would get him to realize he was lacking in response and trigger a quick convo. I have done this a million times before with him. 

"I have questions so can we like communicate or did you get a wife and not tell me? or is something majorly wrong? Like is your mom ok? is this normal work/pre-elk season busy?" I followed that up with... "Those aren't even my questions... those are my why are we doing that no talk thing questions. I still have other questions." 

He sent a pic in a deer blind and said deer hunting this evening. 

"Ok. I feel better. Thank you. Carry on."

"Unless you got a wife and its deer season then imma be pissy. (laughing faces)"

I did not anticipate his response... I was thinking this was just like every other week over the last 6ish months. But it wasn't... 

He sends "You haven't done anything wrong. Mom is good." Then he continues with, "I am not over my ex and thats why I've been radio silent. Her nephew just died three weeks after her dad so I saw her and talked to her at both of the funerals. Stirred up a bunch of old feelings. I've decided that I'm not going to date or even be casual with anyone until after I get a chance to work things out with her. I'm willing to wait on her as long as it takes. I'm sorry."

To say I was shocked was an understatement. I don't even know what ex he could be referring to, this eternal bachelor hasn't had anything significant in at least a year maybe more.

"Oh helllllll" followed by "Man, emotionally unavailable is an understatement. I.Had.No.Idea." To which he says, "Me either."

I pause and know all of my words are coming. But here is the thing with Scott- I don't have a bone in my body that doesn't want him to be the happiest man on the planet. From the very first time I saw his hippie Jesus looking face standing in my doorway, I was hooked. But not in a codependent anxious kind of way. In fact, I would say I have followed the least of my patterns, in this casual on and off, undefined love affair. 

No matter how many times distance is created I never worry. I wasn't ever afraid he would actually ghost me and just stop talking. I never sent him a string of crazy. I have patiently and naturally gone with the flow with him and every moment together is awesome and every time apart doesn't leave me feeling like I need to communicate or be paid attention to or validated. 

I have actually said, Jesus keeps Scott from falling for me because I am not ready for him. If we tried to have anything even remotely real right now, I would wreck it. Their is no way our timing is right. So I just was fine with whatever role he was comfortable playing in my life because the long term love of my life position was not open at this time. 

I mentioned I was still wrapped up in all the heartbreak and toxicity of the handyman. Well that was true. I was still sleeping with him. I was still trying to decide if I can make it work and the moments that made me feel like I was worth more than the way the handyman treated me, were the moments I was with Scott. It wasn't the guy in Fayetteville that is so nice I don't even know how to handle it. It wasn't the smoking hot army guy that looked like Scott but with more tattoos and muscles. It wasn't the Software Company guy who knew that I had a friend named Scott who I called Scott Who'snotinlovewithme and if Scott Who'snotinlovewithme decided to become In Love With Me, no man stood a chance. 

Moving on from the handyman wasn't moving to a new shiny thing to fixate all my emotions on... I wasn't using Scott to ease my ego. In my moments with Scott I was all in on Scott and nothing else mattered. But in my moments home, Scott was never my motivating factor. Everything was playing out for me like he wasn't a factor at all, because he wasn't. I wasn't co-dependent me with Scott. I was just me, and nothing else mattered. 

So I read his words and I calmly paused... then wrote him a white box good bye text. I told him I wanted him to have everything he could ever want in the world and if it was meant to be it would happen. To trust and believe that. I told him I would never be upset because he had always been honest. I finally told him how important he had been on a journey he didn't even know I was on. 

Then I hit send and I cried. 

I can't believe I cried. I am not losing a man that was ever mine. I am not losing someone that I built a dream house with in my mind, or had a 5 year plan in my head, we never had a single "if we end up together" conversation of what that would look like. The only thing I knew about Scott was that he was important to me and a vital character in my story. 

I told Scott that although he wasn't privy to my struggles and heartbreak and all the drama going on in my life because my sole goal was to keep things light and airy and easy with him; he was still impactful. I told him of the strides I had made while he wasn't even paying attention. I told him the healing I had done and the boundaries I had set for myself with other men. I told him thank you for being more to me than you knew. Then I told him good bye. 

Scott is the closest thing I have ever seen to the man of my dreams. When I read him the description of this man from this post a year before he paused. He said I don't take compliments well, and I don't know how to respond to this, thank you for sharing and I think I could be this man. I knew it. In my gut I knew this was the closest I had ever come to the real life manifestation of my dream guy and future. 

So as I sit here writing, processing what the last 6 months have meant to me and how this person has played a supporting role he wasn't even aware he was in, sometimes, I wasn't even aware he was in it. I cried. 

But I don't feel like I am losing anything, like I said Scott was never mine to lose. 

I feel like I was just getting there. I feel like I was becoming the version of me that I wanted him to really see. The version I was excited for him to learn and know. I felt like the last month of change and growth was so important. I felt like the reasons "Jesus was keeping Scott from falling in love with me" were finally changing for the better. I think that is where this sadness is coming from, I was working on me. Not for him by any stretch but I was working on me and the whole time I have known him, I have thought when it is right this man will not be able to do anything but fall for me. Because I am perfect for him. Literally. In every possible way. 

I know that sounds cocky and frankly, if it were true why would he have been so distant and hesitant. But it is... I still believe that when I told him all about me when he said... "If someone asked me what I thought the perfect woman would be I would just copy and paste what you just said." That was 100% true. It was confirmed for me every single weekend. No matter how many walls were up. No matter how emotionally unavailable we both have been, I thought it was for a reason, for the best. I thought that this one, was destined for more. That I wasn't supposed to settle and neither was he. 

So I am sad, more so than I would have thought because Scott dating other people never felt like a threat to me. I wasn't ever jealous and lord knows I am the jealous kind. I really just relaxed and somehow believed it would all work out; if it was supposed to, it would work. 

But this resolve he has to wait for her. To not try anything else until he can give it one more chance with her. To be a partner and a lover and a friend to someone, not just a selfish emotionally distant workaholic. That she is going to get the effort I know is in there. The words, "I am going to work every day to keep that smile on your face." Will be for real and for her... not just words of excitement about the thought of something new. That stings. 

Do I think they will work? I don't know but I care for him enough to cheer them on and find happiness. If she fulfills him and excites him and challenges him and makes him want to be the best version of himself and loves him the way he needs to be loved. Then I hope so. 

I won't pretend that I hope he doesn't just shut me out. I hope we keep talking. That we keep the friendship we have going. I hope this isn't goodbye. I hope he stays in my life in some capacity. Having him as a friend that is in love with someone else doesn't feel painful. I think it is the fear that I wasn't more to him too that I am afraid of. The fear that I genuinely wanted to be in his life regardless of sex and good times. I wanted to know him. I wanted to be his friend. But what if he didn't want that. What if I was just a once a month booty call. What if I connected with his personality, heart, and mind; and he just liked fucking me. 

I think that is where the sadness and fear come from... because in my time knowing him I have changed. I have set new boundaries. I didn't so much with him because it didn't feel necessary but every other man vying for my attention wasn't getting sexual intimacy as a factor for wanting to be around me. I was asserting that I had value without fucking and I am weaning out the Handyman's instead of allowing them to exploit my vulnerabilities. 

I haven't slept with anyone but Scott in months. I know that shouldn't be like a pat on the back thing but lets all be honest. Men expect sex when dating more than ever before. The third date being for sex is pretty standard and joked about on all social media platforms. Its an unwritten rule and all of a sudden, my self worth had gotten back to a place where I don't need to play by those rules. If a man doesn't want me because I don't put out quickly then I do not want him at all ever. 

Scott is going on his path to find love with someone he thought he lost and was over. I am going down mine expanding upon the growth he didn't even realize he was contributing to. 

The lack of stress, the lack of drama, the ease in our interactions, the way we connected on day one, and how not having his full attention felt like it was good for my journey to a better me. I learned a lot from Scott Who'snotinlovewithme. 

I don't even think I understood how much until today. 

An Apology to the Character Previously Known as Chuck’s Mistress

I OWE THIS WOMAN ONE HELL OF AN APOLOGY. I don’t want to make excuses I was catty and I was rude. I took the “story” told to me by the Handyman as truth. I mean there is no reason to lie to me - at least in my fairly normal mind but alas not all men are wired that way. 

When I first met The Handyman a part of his story was an openness about how heartbroken he was at the loss of his marriage. How much he loved his family and life with her, but that she was unfaithful to him. He painted a picture of two wild players that both were seeing other people and finally fell in love and stopped and created a life together. In his version of the story, he stopped seeing other people and she continued to want an open marriage. 

I am going to pause here and acknowledge that I firmly believe there are two sides to every story and although to him, I was the Vice President of the HeMan Woman Hater’s Club he was forming. I wasn’t really judging her. I know people a little, and at the time I was falling into this trap, I was overly confident in my ability to read people and trust my intuition... More on that later. 

But when Chuck’s Mistress reached out to me at the beginning of March, after realizing The Handyman and I had broken up in February. I was really forthright and honest with her. I told her I was someone’s evil ex wife too and I take all the one sided versions of breakup stories with a grain of salt. So no need to explain herself. I also said, I appreciated her offer to talk or meet if I ever needed anything but that I was not going to be taking her up on that because I knew that would be the end of any chance with him, and I wasn’t ready to burn that bridge with something that would feel like such a betrayal. 

Let’s take a moment to rename her My Gemini Twin... It so happens we are two days apart. Same year. I knew we were close in age and birthdate because The Handyman almost didn’t go out with me when he heard my birthday. Whether you believe in that kind of pseudoscience or not, this girl and I have a lot in common, as I will come to find out. 

This conversation leads to The Handyman and I communicating again after our February break up. At the same time, My Gemini Twin is filing a harassment and stalking charge against The Handyman. She has 90 pages of texts and calls and emails from December. She has two Protective Orders against him. HE “misses me” misses his “best friend” and would like to see me. He needs someone to tell him he isn't the monster she is painting him to be with all these charges and accusations.

We spiral into this house playing happy family as Covid hits in March and quarantines begin. He tells me he isn’t wanting to be exclusive because he is “soooo broken by her” and he wants to justify his promiscuity as self care. Not being obligated to anyone. 

He also uses sex for work. He begins sleeping with a Client with a prominent last name - we will just call her Z here. He also has rekindled his relationship with The Cougar he cheated on me with when we were all in love and traveling and having a wonderful time in a committed (at least for me) relationship. So the cougar, Z, an EMSA paramedic who’s reputation is so stellar a man with a vasectomy uses a condom, and some chick he went to High School with are all making appearances in his bed. Z he is sleeping with solely for a commercial job and he literally cries about how bad he feels about this in moments of contrived vulnerability. Same with The Cougar - she moves to scoring him some remodel jobs and is back in his rotation. 

Then there is me... I AM AWARE of all of this and I am STILL around. I am seeing other people. I am emotionally detaching. I am living for the moments of goodness and normalcy. I am the one making dinner every night, helping with work, I am literally designing the projects and giving input and creating scopes for everything he is doing at the Z project. I AM A DESPERATE IDIOT. 

To be fair, to MYSELF. I will come to realize that I am dealing with not just a narcissist but one of the most impressive manipulators the police have ever come in contact with, that I am dealing with an actual psychopath by Psychology standards. I have no idea how far this man is willing to go. 

This new found, role of how important I am to him, I am not like the other girls. I am the one he doesn’t have to wear “the mask” as he refers to it. I am the one who sees the “real him.” I am the most important woman in his life and he is hopeful he will someday be ready to try and have a real relationship with me. This pathetic scenario plays right into the cycle of Affection and Affirmation followed by Alienation. 

The Handyman is a pro. He has me trying to figure out what I need to do to get him back. He has me sacrificing my own emotional wellbeing and making changes to myself to somehow win back the man who was so in love with me in the beginning. I have lost 30lbs at this point so the man who, and I quote “loves my heart, my mind and everything about my soul, will someday also love my body.” I am super woman and paying for things for him. Groceries, games, educational projects for his kids. Dinners are made, the boys are watched and their school work is monitored. I am the best babysitter and personal assistant on the planet for this man. 

I am hanging on to the part of him that is good and decent; the part I have convinced myself is real and this promiscuous broken man, that is the part that will heal and go away. WHY AM I SO STUPID? 

This man warns me. He tells me: 

“I am not good for you.” 

“I will hurt you.” 

“This is not healthy.” 

“You should have left the first time I cheated.”

“You need to create better boundaries for yourself”

“You are more fucked up than me, because you are still here.”

“Wonder what is wrong with you, that you stay?”

AND SO ON... These are just a few gems but not to be outdone by... “EMOTIONAL ABUSE LOOKS REALLY GOOD ON YOU.” In a conversation about me not being able to eat when I am so stressed. He acknowledged my weight loss and improved attractiveness in his eyes as a result of his emotional abuse. 

RUN.

Nope... I stay... I stay and I stay... Two instance happen before I finally leave for good. 

Beginning of April: in a moment of strength to see this chapter finally close. I meet him to collect my belongings. I log on to my computer he is borrowing and he has added his Apple ID to it so, I can see his texts. Facing the multitude of women all getting the same “good morning beautiful” texts, selfies, and photos of his day, and work - the same pictures I get checking in with me. Makes me sick. The gathering of all of my personal belongings. Clothes, shoes, toiletries, expensive wines from trips together. Things of value he has been using. In between that moments of apology and his fits of rage... this takes some time. I will go more into detail of this incident another time but for now lets just say he broke some valuables, threatened me physically, and I left his house with the majority of my things minus what I could not fit in my car and a shattered cell phone so I couldn’t call the police. 

Mid May - I come home from a cookout with him, covered in bruises. The sexual variety. The kind of bruising that has happened on my body one other time. The time I was raped at 17 at the lake. Very similar bruising to that traumatic experience 20 years ago... almost to the week. 

When these two instances happen, I reach out to my Gemini Twin. In April, I don’t tell her much. I just want to understand her story. I even said to her selfishly, I need to hear your side of things because I need to better understand what I am going through. They are still going through the divorce and at this point, I am not willing to divulge much that will confirm I am indeed in communication with her, because I am still not ready to lose him. I am attached... I have been love bombed and then I have been left trying to figure out how to fix myself to make him happy. 

The second instance, the bruising, the grey in how that came about and the pieces i remember that feel like a dream because how could he do that to me? That time. I asked her to meet me. I told her everything... I told her not to rat me out that I had been in communication with her until I was able to get a few things but at this point we have been communicating since March and when I finally remove the veil of “he is different with me” and tell her the WHOLE TRUTH. I find the pattern. 

I meet the woman before My Gemini Twin as well... The pattern of behavior is further revealed. I see this man. THIS MONSTER. She tells me a much more believable and logical tale that starts to match up with the educated guesses I was able to make regarding the failure of his first marriage. She tells me things her therapist has told her and gives me things to look for in my own behavior so I can process the ABUSE I have been enduring since December. 

I spend the end of June and most of July trying to get my things returned to me. Not wanting anything to do with him again ever. I just want my stuff. I want this chapter closed. He refuses. 

So I decide I am going to fire a warning shot... I make a post on Facebook about abusive relationships and how there is a legal way to have your personal property returned. I blast that I am going to file a Replevin to get a judge to sign off on a Writ. This will allow me to pay a Sheriff $50 to escort me to get my personal items. He undoubtedly sees this... from one of the many mutual friends.

He once made a post with photos and accusations on Facebook about my Gemini Twin and was swiftly served with ANOTHER Protective Order. In his mind you can "get a protective order against a ham sandwich." So, he decides to try and get a PO against ME... He makes some really low blows in his documentation, attacking me physically, writing that I weigh 20lbs more than I do and referencing stains on my teeth that are birth defect from my mother taking tetracycline while she was pregnant. So he writes that my distinguishing features are stains on my teeth and a wide face. 

His Protective Order is denied... As soon as I am aware of this. I file one of my own. Knowing his violent tendencies and understanding his pattern of assault and stalking. Mine is granted. I also file two Police Reports. One for the domestic assault, vandalization of personal property, and the other for sexual assault. Both of these are pending going to to the DA. Both of these I am heavily pursuing and both should have been done immediately following the incidents. 

I am out of the Fog at this point. I am realizing the manipulation he used. I am seeing the pattern. I am not the first, I am not the second, I am not even the third... So I KNOW this is not me. I know he is the monster. I know he used Church and prayer to make himself seem safe. I know he smothered me with affection and attention in the beginning all while sleeping around and lying to me. I realize his back and forth game. Maintaining ties to me to manage my perception of him. I see him as the full blown narcissist that he is and I am PISSED. 

I am so angry with myself. I am so angry for the position I put myself in, that I allowed him to hurt me, physically and emotionally. I am also terrified. I sit down with a Police Officer and as soon as I mention his name, he knows exactly who I am talking about. He tells me I am not afraid enough. That I need to know he is the most manipulative person he has seen and the countless times he has driven by my Gemini Twins house in an effort to intimidate her. He tells me how he would go and sit there at 3am. All I can think about is the firearm not registered to him and how when he snaps - he will kill us. 

I know he has massive anger issues. I have stood eye to eye with him, with a fist in my face. I know the stories of him attacking his children. Of punching my Gemini Twin. I have seen him reach out to strangers in an effort to get dirt on her, smear he reputation. I completely know the kind of emotional terrorist I am dealing with and I am not backing down. 

For once, I am standing front and center. I am standing up for the chorus of women saying this is not ok. We will not be treated like this. I am documenting his behavior so when the next girl googles this nice sweet charming retired firefighter that they meet online or at church or in home depot. They will see not one, but two women standing up to him. It is a lot harder to explain why you have 4 POs against you from multiple women than it was to justify it as lies and a strategy used in divorce. I am not divorcing him... I am taking my belongings and I am protecting myself. In the process I am hopefully protecting someone else. 

My Gemini Twin has been instrumental in my healing process. She has helped me step out of the cloud and see clearly where I was taken advantage of... She is a force and a survivor. She makes me feel seen, heard, understood and without her, I am not sure I would ever have the strength to move forward with holding this monster accountable for his actions. 

My PO has been extended through November. The Police are actively investigating the two reports I have filed against him. The DA will determine charges and a judge told him, he had to return my personal property to my father. All in all... I feel like no matter what the outcome of charges and punishment - I am still a winner. 

This man might think about his actions the next time... or he might not but at least the next woman will have a chance at seeing what they are getting into before it is too late. 

Overly Optimistic

I OWE CLOSURE ON THE HANDYMAN although it’s a story I am not sure has ended and I have been facing it without writing here. For the last month we have moved to being friends. He’s seeing other people. He’s still messed up from his divorce. He isn’t even completely divorced. He loves me but would rather have me as a a friend than hurt me. 

After about a month of processing. Negotiating. Hang on. Letting go. Adapting. Playing house. Breaking up in a big extravagant fashion. Taking space. Becoming friends. I have started looking for someone else to spend time with. The thing is... I keep looking for someone I’d rather talk to than the handyman. 

We broke up so he could find someone he didn’t really care for and I moved on looking for someone I love more. 

Best friend Kasey and I run up to the lake last weekend. It was a weekend full of girl talk and both of us playing on our bumble seeing who was around. Enter Mr. CoorsLight. 

Mr CoorsLight shows up at the lake. Has a couple standard pics that I swipe right on: camo and beard. I kick it off with just asking about the lake. He said he was up there getting the lake house ready. Then I asked where home was he said Lawton. I said ahhh... I’m in Tulsa. That was it. 

Two days later I get another read one message. Asking me if the waders in one of my pics were mine. I said yes... I’m kind of awesome. He said you are definitely awesome. To such my response was; I’m pretty cool you don’t know anything about me... how about I give you my highlight reel... then I sent him this:

I’m almost 37 and have a almost 17 year old daughter. She’s going to be a senior next year and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to handle life with her not under my roof. May have to move closer to where ever she goes to college. 😂 not even kidding.

I work in marketing. I’m a consultant for digital strategy for large media organizations. So I work with their departments to make best use of first party data and targeted advertising.
I love everything. My dad totally wanted a boy. So I am into all the dude stuff. I love to hike, camp, ski, fish, climb, I’ll sit in a deer stand, I can throw a pretty tight spiral and know more about all sports than most dudes. I can hit the ball every time I swing a golf club and rarely lose a ball. I love a medium rare steak and a great red wine. I wear shorts and boots as much as possible. I am an excellent cook, not just baker, I can throw down in the kitchen. Work out 5/6 times a week. Love to travel. Collect bourbons. Read a ton, mostly business Books or psychology. Super into people and connection. Love Jesus. Cuss like a sailor. Fuck on the first date if the chemistry is there. Straight shooter. Always honest to a fault. Appreciate that in others. And I unapologetically want a good looking best friend that I like to sleep with... that’s the goal. Not worried about marriage and don’t really care for more kids. So I’m kinda just go with the flow all the time.

I spend too much money. My house is only clean when I’m in a relationship. I don’t like scary movies or raw tomatoes. I have terrible taste in men. I’m an over communicator, over analyzing everything. My mind rarely slows down. I probably drink too much. I enjoy pot way more than I should. Not sure how I waited until it was legal but I did. Boom. Not much else to know... I’ll let you process all that. 😂🤣

His response was amazing: 

If someone asked me what I thought the perfect woman would be like I’d just copy and paste what you just sent me.

I’m 41 and divorced for over 10 years now. No kids but I’m one hell of an uncle. I’m the 3rd generation of that family business. We’re Coors distributors down here in SWOK. I’m currently the brand manager while also taking on more of my dads work load as he’s looking toward retirement. We have a family ranch in the Wichita mountains where I’ve spent lots of my life hunting, fishing, and raising hell. I love to ski as well and bought my first pair of custom fitted ski boots this year. Absolute game changer that I should have done 10 years ago. I’d wear boots, jeans, and a T-shirt everyday if I could but I’m just as comfortable in a suit. Love food but my perfect meal would have to be a rare+1 tomahawk with a nice bottle of cab sav to go along with it. I’m tired of doing awesome stuff and not having someone to share those adventures with.

I was impressed. He responded in kind; with his own highlight reel. My attention he grabbed. I responded to his diatribe with “I think I’m in love”. He said that he wanted to take me to dinner this weekend. I sent him my cell phone. 

Now this was Tuesday night. I had actually made plans with a different guy for Tuesday night but I was not in the mood to clean my house. We had spent some time on the phone and for some reason I didn’t feel like we completely meshed. He was cute. I dunno. Me. CoorsLight sends me a text. I return it with a phone call. 

Cancel my other plans. 

Four and a half hours later we have phone dated to the point I have to meet this man. The similarities are astonishing. Not just in personality but in like weird coincidental ways too. For instance; I ask his last name it starts with an E. I distinctly remember a conversation with my sis in law after my little sis got engaged. She said you’re going to need a man with an E last name. I was like whatttt... she was like yeah. That’s apparently the best luck in our family. Look, I’m Shannie S and Becca is about to be Becca B. You need to be Emily E. For some reason when Mr CoorsLight told me his name I flashed back to 2011 and that conversation which I don’t think I have thought of in almost a decade. 

The next moment I paused after many Frozen like, “finish each other’s sandwiches” moments I asked his birthday. May 27th. I’m the following day May 28th. He tells me his sisters names and my first and middle name are the same. As if that’s not enough. His sisters daughter has the same name as mine, same spelling. 

Let’s not forget we have literally everything in common. This man is gearing up to take over the family business. He goes to the lake all summer. The cabin in the fall where he grew up hunting and fishing. He skis in the winter and wants to spend New Years at his cabin in Beaver Creek. He played golf in high school. He doesn’t want kids but he has been married. Raised Methodist. Super close to his family. Talks about his friends. OU football season ticket holder. I mean he is 6’1” with a beard. I’m just floored at all the boxes he’s checking. His openness and letting me learn all about him. 

After 4.5 hours we come up with a plan. He’s coming to Tulsa Friday. If we hit it off; he said we can run up to the lake for the weekend. It’s going to be nice. By the time we finally hang up the phone - I’m just planning on him coming to get me and spending the weekend with him. 

I don’t know where my ability to connect with someone like this comes from. Maybe it is because I’m such an open book no know myself so well and I am unapologetic about what I’m looking for. You remember my post this summer: I have met him... well I haven’t actually met him yet. Where I put my hearts desire for a future partner in detail down. Manifesting him. Praying for him. Hoping I’d find him. 

I wrote that and I have been close to finding it. The handyman; flawed as he is came close. He wasn’t tall but the rest of it was there. I hung onto that longer than I should have. But I walked away feeling really ok with what was meant for me will be mine. That I loved myself enough to not keep on breaking my own heart with him. That I could keep him in my life as a friend. Hear the stories of the women he was filling the void of his ex wife and now me. I let go and chose myself at a faster rate than any time before. 

But Mr CoorsLight is saying all the right things. I’m captivated. I’m excited. I can’t wait to kiss him and see if it’s there. If we have that spark. The undeniable energy. If the chemistry I feel over FaceTime and texting and hours upon hours of conversation translates in person. Man, I’m in. 

No matter how many times my relationship fails I never cease to remain hopeful. That the man I deeply desire is coming to me. That the ones before have prepared me for him. The dreams and ideas I have for the future include a long term life partner. A best friend to do life, have adventures, and build something with is going to happen. That I am going to get the great love of my life that wants me for the next 40-50 years. 

Mr Coorslight has taken my focus from the Handyman. He has given me hope that there is a faithful, fun, steadfast man coming to love me. He’s as excited about me as I am him. He is as wowed by our similarities as I am and he is going to come pick me up, kiss my face, whisking me off to a weekend learning each other, just us. 

I’ll keep you up to date...