In The Beginning...

I started this blog on the heels of Mr. Taco a short lived romance that had the mourning period of roughly 6 days. Then, I thrust myself straight into the next possible love of my life Mr. Baseball. Now, that has ended and although I pride myself on the ability to bounce back from these seemingly meaningless relationships, they are starting to take a toll. I call them "seemingly meaningless" because I am a believer you cannot break what is already broken. To understand where my heart became a shattered mess I am going to have to take this little diary of love back a few years and discuss The Great Love of My Life, Mr. Toilet.

It was one of those once in a lifetime kind of romances. Even given the disaster of an ending I can't help but sit here smiling thinking of how we began. The night we met I shook his hand smiled confidently and knew that he was special. I had met a friend for drinks on a Friday after work. It was March Madness and KU was in the Final Four, so I had no real plans but to be in front of a TV. Mr. Toilet walked in with a friend of his that was dating a friend of mine and we instantly connected. He was originally stopping in for one beer but that turned to dinner, to drinks at the bar, to sitting on a couch listening to music for hours and talking. He took me to my car hungover and exhausted at 7 the next morning. He had a golf tournament that he text me throughout and insisted we meet up after. We did... It was perfect. The first few weeks flew by and after months of dating we were still crazy in love. We had moved in together and were planning our lives.

The sad reality is, he didn't exist. The man I was in love with was just one side of his story. The other side belong to an attractive women in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We will call her Ruby. Ruby and Mr. Toilet met as kids on the beach in South Padre. With lots of family connections they grew up together, having several romances along the way. Some where in my fairy tale Ruby found an old phone with an old number and sent it a text. Reconnecting these childhood sweethearts with the one that got away. I am sure if you hear them tell the story of how they have come to be engaged it would melt your heart. The part I am sure they leave out is that he had already made that commitment to a little girl from Oklahoma that thought he hung the moon.

He was already planning and living this life with someone, me. So when the strain of his literal double life became too much and he could no longer keep my questions and frustrations at bay, he created a story of a possibly fatal illness to by him time. I could not make this up if I tried, he lied about having cancer and travelling to Houston to seek medical treatment. Brilliant really, I would never question something so unbelievably terrifying as the possibility of losing him to a disease that has touched my life and family in so many ways. It gave him the perfect alibi for short trips throughout the month.

Now, I know you are thinking how in the world can someone pull the wool over your eyes enough to have you believing they had cancer not a mistress? To answer this you have to know a little more about me. At 19, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I was pregnant with my daughter and married to my Fabulous Ex-Husband. I didn't talk about it much, if at all, and knowing the prognosis I put off the recommended treatment for almost a year. I literally ignored it until I couldn't anymore. So for him to use this, I understood. I never talked about it, he shouldn't have to either, it is a personal thing. It is a burden you don't want resting on the ones you love no matter how much they want to be there for you. And let's be honest, who in their right mind lies about having Cancer.

The other part of this equation leading to the belief of his outlandish lie is I wanted to believe him. I had finally found a man that I trusted whole heartily that every word from his mouth was absolute law. So I wasn't looking to prove him wrong. I was in love with him and he was everything I had ever wanted. Why would I look to mess that up? I had never trusted anyone the way I trusted him.

It ended over 2 years ago and if you ask me today I will tell you in all sincerity I will never love another man the way I loved Mr. Toilet. It fell apart in a heart breaking fashion and nearly destroyed me. I still wake up wishing that it was a dream and he and I were still spiraling towards happily ever after but we are not. I am not the future Mrs. Toilet, my prince has yet to be found. The men I have dated since have mirrored him in one way or another. Like I said originally, I am writing about this vicious cycle, hoping to find the end, knowing the common thread is me and that I am the only one who can fix it.