Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

It's kind of the basis for my entire blog. My reason for writing. All my best stories involve one and as humorous as I have learned to make the ending of my crazy relationships, this one is hard. Breaking up with a girl friend is not like ending a bad romance. Cutting people out of your life because it's the best decision for all involved is painful.

To understand this story, you need some history and our history is sorted. I have had a falling out with this girl before; hateful hurtful words have been exchanged. She has lashed out in a way that I have fought for years to forget. Of course to blame her completely would be wrong but I realize that the person I became in defending myself is someone I hadn't seen before and I haven't seen since.  I knew when we began talking again and I was making the decision to allow her back into my life, we would never be the same. She taught me the biggest lesson in how what you say, you cannot take back and the damage can be permanent.

Now I am not a girl friend kind of girl. The very few I have actually let in, I really let in. I love, love my girl friends. I always want to be there for them. I cannot imagine what the last year of my life would be like without my champagne drinking best friend. She is so positive and motivating. She knows when to put me in my place and when my wild ideas are best ignored and they'll just go away. I respect her and who she is constantly striving to be. She wont settle and she doesn't let me settle for less then I deserve either.

A few years ago, when the original fight took place, it was enough for me to write her off forever. I didn't initiate a reconnection and it took several attempts and a long conversation about what happened for me to want to maintain any kind of friendship. But when it did come back around it wasn't the same. I kept her at arms length for the most part. If I did confide in her, it wasn't anything I wouldn't have written on this blog about.

Likewise, she didn't call me unless she needed something or if I called her and she ignored me for any period of time I knew she was hiding something. It was either really bad and she didn't want me to know or going well and she didn't need my support. It was constantly draining and I always felt like I was giving and she was taking; there was nothing given in return. Maybe it's because I wasn't actively seeking out a return but it just didn't feel like there was anything positive being contributed to my life.

Alright, this is starting to sound mean. I do not mean for it too. I really hope that she gets everything she wants out of life. But this life that she is living is not one that I would choose, which is ok. I get that my opinion is just that, MY opinion. It has no baring and should have no baring on how anyone lives their life. 

I made the decision to completely disconnect from this relationship after hearing a sermon at church (yes, I go to church) on your five closest relationships. The gist was, show me the 5 people you are closest to and I will show you the direction your life is heading. I got my 5 and I was happy to say, that they are some quality cats. My life is looking good! But when I look at the reverse and think about who I am closest to in my deep dark scary place; the people who "don't judge" my poor decisions, I need to let them go. 

I am far from perfect, obviously. I spend lots of time dating the completely wrong men over and over. I am finally in a career that I have a shot at being successful. I am raising a little girl and I am sure I have made mistakes as a parent. Financially I am just climbing out of the hole I got myself into. I will be the first to admit... I am just as flawed as the next person. I drink more than I should; I work out less than I want; I date douche bags; I spend too much money on material things; my credit is almost terrible. I am totally flawed BUT I try. I have taken steps to better every aspect of my life, I realize my issues and I work on them. I want to be around people who are the same way.

"If you're not growing you're dying."

"Deal and Heal."

"Live the life you dreamed of"

and all those other "be better than you are" quotes.

I am sure there are people who have left my life for the same reason I am leaving hers. It hurt me at first but it made me better. I took into account the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I can be proud of. I am thankful for the people that have been in my life at one time or another. Sometimes you just have to let the things holding you back go. It's selfishly about me and my life staying on course. It is about protecting the emotional health I finally feel I am attaining.