AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS FOR ME TO ADMIT the end of Mr. Greaseman has been HARD. I am talking a shell of a person, tearful mess on the bathroom floor with actual thoughts that I would not recover. There were moments when I was so blind with the heart wrenching pain of the man I loved more than anyone else in the world, the man I committed my future to, the man who's ring I wore and the man that I promised whole heartily to be faithful to until the day I died - The day that man left was dark. The weeks following were dark. It is a sad place to be broken at your core.
I don't think I am quite ready to dive into the depths of my depression which ended in a most traumatic turn of events. At some point I will be and I will write of that most vulnerable time. I think it is an important part of the story and probably one any girl going through a romantic loss needs to here. I pride myself on being strong and independent but even those of us who portray ourselves as the most Alpha of the Alpha Females have moments of doubt that they can even move on in this life.
Shizzz is getting deep... So let's move past the Dealing and on to the HEALING.
I have said it before and I will say it again, My Fabulous Ex-Husband gives THE BEST advice. I can't remember which of my torrid love affairs was ending some time in my mid twenties but I reached out to him with an 'another one bites the dust' story. Whoever it was must have been impactful because he greeted this with words that I carry with me to this day, "Sunshine, sometimes you just have to get under one to get over another."
As crude as that sounds... It is true. Sometimes you have analyzed and dealt with the emotions. You have asked all the questions, you have carried all the blame. You have gone through every "what if" scenario known to (wo)man and the pain is still there. You have been FORCED to create your own closure. Let's stop there for a second...
In romance this happens more times than not and the moment you figure out that the man, is no longer capable of being there for you emotionally, that he cannot provide support for you and he will NOT be giving you the closure that you so desperately seek. That moment, you find that you have to create the end of this story all by yourself is when it is time to also remind yourself: YOU ARE DESIRABLE, YOU ARE WANTED, no matter what he has said YOU ARE SEXY, YOU ARE A WOMAN and your DESERVE HAPPINESS, RESPECT, and the occasional Orgasm.
For me, I have been devastated by the fact that I found another woman's panties in my home. That I lost my man to someone else. That he actually said the words, " you are not sexy, how could you be, you never do anything sexy and I don't even want it with you any more."
Ouch... I don't care who you are that stings and it is not true.
Fortunately for me great stress brings great weight loss and with great weight loss comes renewed self esteem and motivation. Motivation turned into a healthy diet and a workout routine that I had given up in my last few years of cohabitation. So here I am TWO full months since the man just stopped coming home and almost four months since he last "wanted" me. I am down a whopping 20lbs and I have all the confidence in the world that the other side of this heartbreak is in view.
I can see the light!
This weekend was going to be hard but I didn't want to spend it with Netflix and the pizza delivery lady. It's Labor Day Weekend and Mr. Greaseman is living up this holiday on OUR boat at OUR lake house going out with friends. Drinking entirely too much and since we know he fidelity was not his strength even while under the same roof, you can bet he is capitalizing on the fact that his ring tan line is officially gone.
I think that accompanied by that fact that I have put forth two months of therapy (actual therapy once a week with a trained professional) and a solid month of deep dark mourning over the man of my dreams. I deserve to make a few decisions as a newly single woman, solely for my own enjoyment. I DESERVE to feel at my best and to have just a good time this weekend. It is time to end Shiva and go be me or at least figure out who this new me is going to be.
I was given the opportunity to go out of town and visit an amazing girl friend of mine. This woman we will call her Bearclaw is an actual inspiration to all women. In short our story goes like this: We met dancing with beers in hand at a Ben Harper concert almost 10 years ago. We just instantly connected. We have had so many moments in the last 10 years, we have had our falling outs, we have had our closest of times. We have been through many men and many styles. We have been married, divorced, suffered loss, found great success and made life changing decisions all since we have known each other. We support and love unconditionally, and mostly from afar. This woman is a big part of my tribe, a big part of what has shaped me. Even though we are rarely in the same city, I think of her often.
It so happens that as with most of our relationship the cosmic powers have brought us into a similar season at the same time and back into each others lives. We are both going through the end of relationships with someone who we intended to have as a life partner. We are both transitioning back into single womanhood. We are in this together... Again.
Her story is that of triumph. She had worked her ass off to create her own success and if we define happiness by the Great American Dream of wealth at the hands of 50+ hour work weeks - She had made it. Girl was driving the car she wanted, living in the house she wanted, with all the designer clothes, bags, jewels she desired. She took fancy holidays for extended periods of time, picked up bar tabs and was living a good life.
Then, she got a brutal wake up call. This half Mexican, half Native American dark skinned beauty was diagnosed with melanoma. I tell you her heritage to be sure you know that its not just freckled white girls that should avoid tanning beds and wear sunscreen but also freckled dark girls that you haven't seen sunburn ever that are susceptible to the dreaded C. Bearclaw fought the battle and won then while recovering under a large floppy hat, strong SPF, and a beach umbrella in Bermuda she read a book that changed her.
She did some sole searching and stumbled across an opportunity to go hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Having never done anything like walk 2,663 miles from Mexico to Canada she was chosen to be sponsored, given a bit of training and asked document this great adventure. She quit working for the man, sold her worldly possessions and fell in love with nature. She completed the trail in 4 months. She has gone on to hike other amazing long distance trails and she is down right as cool as she sounds. If you want to follow her story you can do that here at her site http://staywildandtrue.com/. I am truly #blessed to call her a friend.
She shoots out a random text on Thursday mid morning as I am settled in bed (still) because I lack the motivation to be a functioning member of society at times. The week leading up to this weekend was rough. I was in a state of sadness, one I thought I was past but I was missing the companionship and normalcy that was my life just a few months ago. The tears were not quite back but I could feel the state of grief returning to my body. I was just missing him and mourning the loss of this beautiful life we built together. The one that I was slowly dismantling. I was sad because I wouldn't be at the lake with my love and my friends but he would be there without me, in a new life that I was not the center of any more.
The random text at the start of this holiday weekend was a welcome event.
(continued)
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