Ode to The Double Standard!

First I would like to dedicate this post to the New Guy, not only did he name it but he insisted it be written on the heels of "The Great Debate." Seeing as how last night I did EXACTLY what I had told him I would end things with him for doing. I went for beers with Hot Todd.


Let me paint this picture for you: I am pulling in the parking lot, on the phone with New Guy ranting about my ex-husband and needing a beer."I need to go, I'm an hour late to meet my friend Todd at Happy Hour." New Guy, paused and laughed, saying, "Is this Hot Todd? or another Todd?" Then it all comes flooding back to me, in a rush of fear and anxiety as I realize what I have done.


If I take you back to when, New Guy and I were talking about how my feelings would be hurt if he decided to go out with someone else. A little portion of that heated discussion went something like "Fine. If you decide to see someone else, I can guarantee I will do it. In fact, Hot Todd was texting me last night saying we should get together." His response was something like... "and that would be fine."


New Guy makes plans for Thursday night with his buddy, the guy he likes to play domestic partners with, although both completely heterosexual. It's the cooking classes and trading recipes that really gets people to question but they sure have fun drinking wine and making dinner together. So, I take this opportunity for cold beers with Hot Todd, not thinking of Hot Todd as Hot Todd, but as Funny Todd that I have known for 4 years. The moment I realized what I had done, I wanted to turn around and go home.


New guy swears up and down it is fine. Go have fun! Right. I wonder if he understands that by telling me it is ok to do the exact thing I would not want him to do, will not alleviate the issue of him actually doing it. And to make matters worse, should he ever decide to do this, I have no leg to stand on if (more like when) it upsets me. To add insult to injury, he adds that he will talk to me tomorrow, as opposed to later that night.


I really like New Guy, I don't want him to start forming interest in some one else. I don't want him putting effort into someone other than me. I don't want him to have dinner with his kids and parents with another girl. I want to see where this is going, without the added pressure of feeling like I have competition. I am scared that I have cracked open a door and if he chooses to let it swing open a little wider, the awesome relationship we are starting to build will be tainted. I want my mulligan! I need a do over...




Also, I wrote this little poem at about 4:30 the morning after.


O Double Standard, My Double Standard
How you have forsaken me.
Bringing confrontation and strife
And nothing real nice
To a relationship that is yet to be.


The standard I made, This standard I set
Something by which I did not abide.
Leaving me to sit here in fear
Of what could be near
Should equality choose to arrive.