I Knew You'd Say It First!

I have started sharing this blogsite with a few friends and family. Basically giving you an invitation into my head, to judge and laugh at my crazy. I have also shared every post with New Guy. He is really supportive of my writing and thinks it is a great thing for me to do. He loves hearing the way I process our relationship, at least so far. But today is the day I write my first post I do not intend to share with him. Kudos to me for never telling him how to look at this himself.

I keep referring to this constant pattern that my romantic relationships follow. This one is dangerously close to going from the exception to the rule. Last night New Guy said it, the dreaded thing that all guys I date say, way to soon before they can possibly mean it. He said it. I knew he would say it first. I don't think he even meant to say it. If my "Law and Order" knowledge is correct, technically this could be considered an "excited utterance" which would be admissible in court as a hearsay exception. Although I am not sure what part of drinking with me at the bar is a startling or shocking event.

I wish I had a picture of his face when those three little words rolled off his tongue. We were laughing and drinking beers and having an all around fantastic time together when he just blurts it out. Then his eyes get big with this deer in the headlights look and I think I am losing my mind.

Since date one, his joke has been to say, "you are going to say it first" whenever things are going really well between us. To which I adamantly respond, "Will Not." In this fog of, did I just hear that right? I ask "What did you say?" and he reluctantly replies "you heard me." So I throw my hands up like a football ref signalling a touchdown and yell "I knew you'd say it first!!!"

After the laughter dies down, I tell him it's ok, I know he has had too many beers to be held accountable for letting those three words fly. He comforts me with a line about not saying things he doesn't mean even when he's drunk. I appreciate that he is falling for me and would love to reciprocate these affections especially after the amount we have drank. But I have this sinking suspicion that this accidental outburst of feelings is going to do more damage than good. Without too much of a discussion we head to the house and go to sleep.

I want to break this pattern, I want to have a man tell me he loves me when he actually loves me. I think New Guy loves being around me. We are seemingly compatible so far but I cannot allow myself to be all consumed by the appealing prospect of being loved. So maybe it isn't that I have always found the wrong man, maybe its that I have not responded to them correctly.

I wake up this morning and the first thing I think of is how he really said it last night. Lying there I go over the pros and cons of if I should bring it up, offering him a chance to take it back. I decide against reliving last nights conversations in the harsh light of day (and sobriety). 

The choice to not over analyze the meaning of his loving declaration this early in the game is a new one. Maintaining focus on getting my life together, instead of inserting myself into his, is also new. So maybe we aren't so far into the destructive pattern that dooms us to failure.

So here I am 18 hours later with the knowledge that at least last night we were having a good enough time to extract an  "I Love You", out of him. Writing this all down, processing how I feel and evaluating my next step, might actually be working. I don't expect to hear those three little words for awhile, but know that if it is really how he feels he will say it again. When we've been dating longer than 12 days.