I had one of those super realistic dreams a few weeks ago, involving JFK. In my dream he had Googled and found this blog. I awoke from this dream almost in tears because I felt so betrayed. I couldn't believe that he would seek out my little 'dear diary' blog knowing full well I wouldn't want him to read my inner most thoughts. We just aren't at a place that I trust him with my crazy.
I woke up in this dazed panic trying to decipher reality. I quickly realized it was all a dream but in my experience, you don't just shrug off dreams that induce such an emotional response. I decide to tell him about it. He laughed at the ridiculousness of me being mad at him for something dream JFK did. He also assured me that he would never do this...
I've been a little hesitant to write all my crazy after that because in his affirmation of respect for my privacy he also assured me that he could find this whenever he wanted. The blog post from a month ago, was something I shared with him. He informed me that all he would have to do is put the post i sent him into Google and it would bring up my blog.
Well last week, I finally wrote. I've had all these moments of insecurities and a need for clarity in regards to JFK that I finally started writing again. Tonight, after finishing 50 Shades, I was feeling a bit inspired to write. I've been missing JFK and toying with the same questions I've had for weeks. So I got on this little sucker to write... But out of curiosity I decided to look at the traffic sources for my blog.
Low and behold, google and the second paragraph of my blog about JFK are a source for traffic on this blog. Immediately, I am crushed. How could he? I am so embarrassed, so vulnerable, so stupid. I want to call him and just scream! I realize how crazy it is to be so mad about him looking up a blog I post on the Internet for any ya-who to read but I am just so devastated by his betrayal. He lied to me!
I calm myself and decide I am going to confront him about this. I'll never be able to let this go. I want to know why he would do this and express how important this outlet is to me.
I decide not to call, I know he has had a busy day and this is probably the last thing he would want to deal with, it's going to be a bit petty and stupid to him. I still have to bring it up for my own peace of mind. In my head, this is the end. I am going to go a bit crazy on him over something that is important to me, that he could not possibly understand and that is going to be the end. He's 25 and is going to go running for the hills. I rationalize all of this and send him a text, cryptic enough to warrant an immediate response.
"You lied to me and I'm a bit upset so when you are not busy for a few minutes, give me a call." I debate for a millisecond but before I can talk myself out of it, I hit send. As I anticipated, response: "What are u talking about?"
Now there is no way I am going to have this as a conversation via text message. It is ridiculous enough that I am bringing it up anyway, but over text, that's just down right degrading. So I reply, "Just when you aren't busy, I don't want to interrupt your night. It's not hugely important." He promptly counters with "Hahaha... Alright I'll be finishing up with my stuff in a minute when Daniel leaves I'll call ya"
As I wait for this call processing my emotions, I know I need to calm down. I know I need to not come off as some raging lunatic. I start this entry as I game plan the conversation that is about to unfold, I decide disappointment is a better tactic than anger. I can feel the clarity coming back to me, I can feel the sanity returning... All of a sudden my hands hit my face realizing, I Googled my blog.
A little over a week ago, I decided to test his theory, so I Googled it. It was me, I am the one Google traffic source using that entry. I am mortified. Any moment he is going to call wondering what I am upset about and I am going to have to tell him this whole ridiculous story. I have lost my ever loving mind.
He calls, I start at the beginning, telling him I had sat down to write and clear my head, and before I can get to the would-be-accusation he says, "and you think I read your blog." I pause and say, yes but I now think that I Googled it myself. He assures me he has not read it and that I can write to my little hearts content. I apologize for my crazy, asking if at any point I scare him off when I overreact like this... he hesitates, mostly for drama (at least I hope) and says no, it's fine.
We continue to discuss our weekends and week. Searching for time to see each other. I miss him, even more. Our conversation is actually comforting to me, sort of relieving what I was initially getting on here to bitch about... I hang up thankful for his understanding, soothed by our brief conversation and able to cap off this entry with a smile. I'm a little nuts but I haven't quite scared him off yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment