I AM SO FRUSTRATED! It's 75% job, 15% motherhood and 10% boy. Does that add up to 100? The major stress really is work... I am so unbelievably frustrated with my job. I work for a dickhead, who employs a bunch of dickheads that would be a little more secure in his position as an authority figure if he wasn't such a shitty manager. But hey, that is just my opinion.
I am pissed at how I have been treated, I am pissed at the blatantly unfair double standard I am being held to and I am SUPER pissed at the closed door meetings with my direct report so he can probe into my conversations with his superior. God! I am so pissed!
The kind of job I have takes a lot of mental resiliency. An ability to let things just, go. I am not good at this, never have been, I am way too emotional, but I am good at my job. I do well with people at least initially, I always joke about how well I interview. I have honed an innate ability to make you (or anyone for that matter) feel like a friend. I can build rapport faster than most and with a genuine level of sincerity.
I am frustrated with my environment and I am having a hard time blocking it out so I can function on all cylinders. I have resolved to try, that is all I can do.
The 15% motherhood is a combination of frustration and guilt. I miss the monster when she is gone. We are like two peas in a pod but as with every year the 2 weeks right before school starts are the hardest. Summer camps are over so we don't really have anything structured to do with her. My fabulous ex-husband and I both work early and long hours. We have gotten to where we rely heavily on his fiance or as I like to call her, "the nanny."
Every year I am torn between keeping her on my regularly scheduled nights all night and letting her stay with her dad. If she stays with him her last few weeks of summer don't involve waking up at 6:30 to get back to her dad's by 7ish. So, in an effort to be a good mom, our normal schedule goes out the window and I see her less. It's only temporary but it drives me crazy. I miss her like mad. She's fine, I know she is fine. The guilt comes in because I know it isn't extra daddy time she is getting when these weeks happen. It is extra nanny time. His schedule rarely varies from 60 hours a week so I feel bad that I am not in a better position to take time off for her in these last precious moments of summer.
The 10% boy is mostly in my head. JFK amazes me. He is such a great supporter in all things. He has been a steady ear through my stressful uncertainty at the office trying to push me to the other side. I know he has gone above and beyond in his moments of motivation. I really am so lucky to have him in my life.
My new found fear is probably ridiculous but a source of anxiety nonetheless. I am terrified the uncertainty and negativity spewing from the instability that is my career is going to have an adverse effect on my relationship. In no way do I want my work life to spill over into my personal life in a manner at which it might damage this great thing JFK and I have going.
I want to be able to seek his advice and confide in him my frustrations but I never want my fear of the unknown to be an unattractive flaw of my character. I am human but I still want to seem like I magically have everything under control. I just don't want all this to have a negative impact on the ease dating JFK has been over the past few months.
I am worried about this, it adds to my anxiety and I want to bring it up with out sounding insecure because it's not insecurity it is a protective instinct. I know regardless of what happens at this current company I will land "up and to the right." I am being more proactive than reactive, I have committed to trying my best to make my current position sustainable. I don't want to come off as needy even though I really do look to him as a positive outlet for my stress.
I love being able to vent to him, I just don't want to overstep that courtesy. His career is so important and I am his biggest fan. I think he is incredible at what he does and I want his focus to be on reaching his goals. I never want to be a distraction. I don't want my current instability career-wise to be the demise of our perfectly healthy relationship. So, I hope he takes it all for what it is, he knows how much I appreciate his support and opinions.
In all aspects life is a juggling act. I feel like the balls of career, parenthood and relationship are in constant motion and I am just doing the best I can not to drop one. I really am in the place I want to be, I just have to figure out how to lighten the load a bit. How to not have my career a watermelon and the other two golf balls. It's hard to juggle without balance. I need my balance back... I know this is temporary, I know I am taking the necessary steps to insulate myself from catastrophe but really, life is hard. Being an adult is not nearly all it's cracked up to be.
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