I really do know how to play the game. I really could do this whole back and forth girl manipulation thing that is encoded in my DNA. I don't want to... I want to tell you exactly how I feel and that be OK. I want the same results from my honesty as I would get if I just blew you off and "regained control." I don't want to mess around... I want this relationship to work as it is... Why is that so hard?
JFK and I, well I guess we ended it. After, probably the most honest emotional conversation he has ever had, we called it quits. He called it quits. This is going to sound like a cop-out, like a scene from that stupid movie, "He's Just Not That into You!" The part where the girls give each other all the uplifting excuses for why they got dumped.
Here goes: HE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ME. I am dead fucking serious. He doesn't want to disappoint me and he can't stand the thought of hurting me in the long run, so maybe just cutting it off now we can salvage a friendship.
O I am pissed... You know I hadn't pressed this subject, I hadn't forced to much of an emotional connection because this is what I was afraid of, I was afraid his fear of hurting me would lead to him, actually hurting me and sooner, rather than later. I get it... You don't like being the bad guy. No one does but what we have is really fucking awesome. It's good and surprisingly healthy based on an actual friendship and mutual respect. Neither one of us, have had relationships like this and as far as I can tell, this one is working and working well.
But NO. You want to bow out gracefully because you care for me and you don't want to fucking hurt me. This little bit of discomfort I feel now is far better than 4, 5, 6, 10 months from now, when you do something to screw it up. FUCK YOU!
Like I said, I know how to play the game. When the gantlet came down and the decision was made, we should "just be friends" I should have turned around and walked away. I shouldn't have continued to try and figure out why, or if this was a reversible verdict. I should have just said OK and walked away. I should have left you to stew in those, feelings- Your Feelings, but I didn't.
By the time I did walk away, we were both just emotionally exhausted, neither getting an outcome they were actually happy with. I had that about to cry knot in my throat and emotions pooling around my eyes, so I just walked away. But there is something about you, that makes it impossible for me to cry. I couldn't muster a damn tear once I was on my own. I paced the kitchen and all I could think is, I know he cares for me, I know he likes what we have, why is he doing this?
I made mistake number 2, I called... This conversation continued where it left off, talking in circles. Both parties hurt and for the same reason, we are simultaneously living what we were both afraid of and we are doing it by choice. Instead of living we have let the "what if" dictate the end of the perfectly wonderful connection we have.
I realize I am tired and crawl into bed but I know that you are thinking about how you hurt me and all the things you have to get done. I know you're stress level is through the roof and it hurts me even more to think that I am a part of the cause as opposed to the solution. So I text you and it's a pretty playful text. I'm being lighthearted and funny. You are reciprocating... I fall asleep. I never cry and I just sleep.
I woke up this morning thinking about coffee and how I wanted to see you and if I had my way, you would just apologize and say you're a dickhead, which we both know to be true. But I don't have my way, I don't know what all this means... I do know this:
I know you want to maintain our friendship, you think we can still have and do all the same things, minus the sex, which you admittedly want too but will abstain from to avoid further confusion. You want us still have dinner and drinks and talk and be friends, like nothing ever happened. I can't do that at least not right now.
I don't want this unnecessary ending to virtually the healthiest relationship I have been in, maybe ever. I can go through the motions. I can act like we are bff and pretend to be OK without the sex and the commitment to not see other people-naked or with the intent of seeing them naked. But all that I feel for you and all that I want will still be there. It's not just going to go away. I am not a guy, there is not a magic switch that goes from caring about someone in a romantic way to strictly platonic.
So if this is what you, so be it. I am not going to try and sell you on the positives of being in this relationship, I can't. I tried. But I can't be your friend either. So that space I would need to get over you screwing up at some distant point in the future. I will have to have now. I will need to move on from you before I can be your friend, or nothing will have changed at least not on my end and then you really are at risk of actually hurting me.
We can do this now, or do it later, or maybe, just maybe not do it at all. You might look at this little thing we have going and realize I am not your last two girl friends, or that waitress you were screwing. You just might remember that all this started months ago and has been pretty great. You get to be selfish and have lots of time to yourself to lay on your couch or go see your parents or be an idiot with the guys. And I get to focus on work, being more sound financially, reaching the goals I have set for myself as an independent and still have this amazing guy in my life. I still get to go on dates and have some one to cheer me on as I become more accomplished. We get the comfort of this friendship, of having someone who honestly cares about the other person's needs and feelings. You get me, the biggest cheerleader you will ever know, that wants you to be as successful as you want to be and I get you to motivate me when I just don't want to do the daily grind. I think what we have is absolutely perfect and if it means being OK with you going into "phone off mode" for a weekend to study or go on a golf trip, so be it.
I am willing to make some compromises, not the big stuff that would make me feel like I am settling but little shit, that makes you more comfortable, I will do that. Just like you do on occasion for me. That's what it's all about.
But if it's done and it is really just done... I gotta move on. I gotta find the resolve to let the feelings I do have for you go and put you in the friend zone. I can't just go from dating to not dating and have the only difference be you don't feel like you are going to disappoint me and I'm not getting laid. That's not fair... I can pretend to do it but in the long run, I really will hate you.
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