Casually Dating

CASUALLY DATING it's suppose to be fun and easy, low maintenance, relaxed without a lot of obligations and expectations. It is the simple time when you are first getting to know a person. You casually date. No pressure. No agenda. Just you and the person you are mildly attracted to enough to want to see on occasion.

I have been casually dating JFK for months now. Yes real, live, whole, plural MONTHS. This isn't one of those Zero to Common Law Relationships with a 3 to 6 week life span, ending in deception and anger. This is a slow moving, mildly paced, getting to know you relationship. 

I do not know how to casually date but I am trying. I am trying so hard and maybe that is a part of the problem, I am having to try to be this easy going girl that I, innately am not. I think all this trying to be laid back is actually having the opposite effect on me. In fact, I know it is not working for me because I went plum-crazy on JFK today. 

Short story long... JFK lives in this massive apartment complex you can see off the highway. I pass it, frequently driving 55 mph and every time I pass I glance over... I don't know why I do this. I just do. It's kind of like how I can't pass 15th and New Haven without checking out the childhood house I grew up in, or how I can see if my Dad's second wife is at home flying down cherry street. I look, I always know if Mr. Taco's car is at his restaurant when I cross the bridge. I have been to JFK's apartment enough times to have the general idea of where his apartment would be from the highway view. That is just how my cognitive schema works.


Today, I pass his apartment, glance to my right and I see his truck. My mind goes into over drive:
'He was out of town when I talked to him this morning, he said nothing about coming back to Tulsa... Wait, No. Nothing.'
'He has one appointment and two phone calls this afternoon but nothing about being home.'
'Oh My God, he lied to me.'
'Why would he lie to me, does he seriously not want to see me so desperately that he thought he should lie and say he was at his parents when he is really right here in town?'


Needless to say this neurotic flood of emotions triggers an even more outlandish response: an anxiety attack. My chest is tight. I'm on the verge of tears. I can't focus on anything other than if that is really his truck. I just need to either be mad and be done with his ass, or figure out what is going on. So, I call him. No answer. Wait a few minutes, head on to my 2:00 appointment. Calm my nerves and think I can get through this, that has to be the most popular color for the most popular truck in America. It's fine. 

At my 2:00 appointment I function just fine. I am probably a little more to the point with a lot less, cheesy getting to know you bullshit but I handle myself. I am after all a functioning member of society. I have about 30 mins to kill before my next need for professionalism and this need for clarity is making me a wreck. I need to know. 

I text the "call me, now if possible" ominous text message.
He responds immediately, "I can call you in about 30." 
"If I do not answer I will call you after my 3:00. But we do need to talk the sooner the better."
Three dings at once, "What's Up?" "Ok" "Everything Ok?"
"No. I don't know." an honest response from me but elusive for sure. 
"What? Hold on I will just call these people back."


Reading this is the first moment my terrified rage turns to shame and I think about what I am doing. I still have to know, it is over powering me, but I now start thinking of what will happen if this bit of crazy is too much for him. He really is amazing. These thoughts begin battling with my accusations of deception and before I can come up with a reply, he calls. 


I answer with, I am so sorry, I didn't mean for you to get off the phone with work. He explains who it was and that it was no big deal. I then say something along the lines of, "Answer me honestly, are you in Tulsa?" He says, "Yes. I am at my apartment." So matter-of-fact-ly I am just pissed. "You didn't tell me you were coming home and I was driving to my appointment and looked over and saw your truck from the highway." I explained the entire thought process, he told me he was home, sitting on his couch, working, in his underwear and to chill out. He is heading back out of town but he had meetings today, he told me that, just not that they were in Tulsa. 


I calm down and try to explain myself although I am somewhere between embarrassed and scared of the consequences of my outburst. But F*ck. This is me. I even know where this crazy tendency stems from. I know why this gave me such a heightened emotional response. I know whose fault this is!... Mr. Toilet! AND I HATE HIM FOR IT!!

I hate that I put the transgressions of men from my past onto JFK. I hate that there is this new quirky insecurity that is there because of what a specific person once did to break me. I hate that I cannot control it enough to get past it and the best I have been able to do, to date is recognize when I am acting this way and hope the person I am with can handle it. 

I keep calling myself crazy, but in reality I am not crazy. I am experienced. Some of those experiences are good and some are bad but all have shaped me. I am a confident, independent fun loving women, with a lot going for me. Some times I need an hour conversation with one of my best guy friends to remind me, that not only do I have game (I landed JFK) but I am totally amazing and he knows it, because he is dating me. 

Freaking out over JFK being in town and not telling me is just one of my many quirks I am sure but hopefully this was just a learning experience. There is a lot we don't know about each other. A lot I hope to learn as this moves forward. I am hoping this lapse in communication gave him a little insight. He seems to know how to deal with me, so far.