AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS FOR ME TO ADMIT the end of Mr. Greaseman has been HARD. I am talking a shell of a person, tearful mess on the bathroom floor with actual thoughts that I would not recover. There were moments when I was so blind with the heart wrenching pain of the man I loved more than anyone else in the world, the man I committed my future to, the man who's ring I wore and the man that I promised whole heartily to be faithful to until the day I died - The day that man left was dark. The weeks following were dark. It is a sad place to be broken at your core.
I don't think I am quite ready to dive into the depths of my depression which ended in a most traumatic turn of events. At some point I will be and I will write of that most vulnerable time. I think it is an important part of the story and probably one any girl going through a romantic loss needs to here. I pride myself on being strong and independent but even those of us who portray ourselves as the most Alpha of the Alpha Females have moments of doubt that they can even move on in this life.
Shizzz is getting deep... So let's move past the Dealing and on to the HEALING.
I have said it before and I will say it again, My Fabulous Ex-Husband gives THE BEST advice. I can't remember which of my torrid love affairs was ending some time in my mid twenties but I reached out to him with an 'another one bites the dust' story. Whoever it was must have been impactful because he greeted this with words that I carry with me to this day, "Sunshine, sometimes you just have to get under one to get over another."
As crude as that sounds... It is true. Sometimes you have analyzed and dealt with the emotions. You have asked all the questions, you have carried all the blame. You have gone through every "what if" scenario known to (wo)man and the pain is still there. You have been FORCED to create your own closure. Let's stop there for a second...
In romance this happens more times than not and the moment you figure out that the man, is no longer capable of being there for you emotionally, that he cannot provide support for you and he will NOT be giving you the closure that you so desperately seek. That moment, you find that you have to create the end of this story all by yourself is when it is time to also remind yourself: YOU ARE DESIRABLE, YOU ARE WANTED, no matter what he has said YOU ARE SEXY, YOU ARE A WOMAN and your DESERVE HAPPINESS, RESPECT, and the occasional Orgasm.
For me, I have been devastated by the fact that I found another woman's panties in my home. That I lost my man to someone else. That he actually said the words, " you are not sexy, how could you be, you never do anything sexy and I don't even want it with you any more."
Ouch... I don't care who you are that stings and it is not true.
Fortunately for me great stress brings great weight loss and with great weight loss comes renewed self esteem and motivation. Motivation turned into a healthy diet and a workout routine that I had given up in my last few years of cohabitation. So here I am TWO full months since the man just stopped coming home and almost four months since he last "wanted" me. I am down a whopping 20lbs and I have all the confidence in the world that the other side of this heartbreak is in view.
I can see the light!
This weekend was going to be hard but I didn't want to spend it with Netflix and the pizza delivery lady. It's Labor Day Weekend and Mr. Greaseman is living up this holiday on OUR boat at OUR lake house going out with friends. Drinking entirely too much and since we know he fidelity was not his strength even while under the same roof, you can bet he is capitalizing on the fact that his ring tan line is officially gone.
I think that accompanied by that fact that I have put forth two months of therapy (actual therapy once a week with a trained professional) and a solid month of deep dark mourning over the man of my dreams. I deserve to make a few decisions as a newly single woman, solely for my own enjoyment. I DESERVE to feel at my best and to have just a good time this weekend. It is time to end Shiva and go be me or at least figure out who this new me is going to be.
I was given the opportunity to go out of town and visit an amazing girl friend of mine. This woman we will call her Bearclaw is an actual inspiration to all women. In short our story goes like this: We met dancing with beers in hand at a Ben Harper concert almost 10 years ago. We just instantly connected. We have had so many moments in the last 10 years, we have had our falling outs, we have had our closest of times. We have been through many men and many styles. We have been married, divorced, suffered loss, found great success and made life changing decisions all since we have known each other. We support and love unconditionally, and mostly from afar. This woman is a big part of my tribe, a big part of what has shaped me. Even though we are rarely in the same city, I think of her often.
It so happens that as with most of our relationship the cosmic powers have brought us into a similar season at the same time and back into each others lives. We are both going through the end of relationships with someone who we intended to have as a life partner. We are both transitioning back into single womanhood. We are in this together... Again.
Her story is that of triumph. She had worked her ass off to create her own success and if we define happiness by the Great American Dream of wealth at the hands of 50+ hour work weeks - She had made it. Girl was driving the car she wanted, living in the house she wanted, with all the designer clothes, bags, jewels she desired. She took fancy holidays for extended periods of time, picked up bar tabs and was living a good life.
Then, she got a brutal wake up call. This half Mexican, half Native American dark skinned beauty was diagnosed with melanoma. I tell you her heritage to be sure you know that its not just freckled white girls that should avoid tanning beds and wear sunscreen but also freckled dark girls that you haven't seen sunburn ever that are susceptible to the dreaded C. Bearclaw fought the battle and won then while recovering under a large floppy hat, strong SPF, and a beach umbrella in Bermuda she read a book that changed her.
She did some sole searching and stumbled across an opportunity to go hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Having never done anything like walk 2,663 miles from Mexico to Canada she was chosen to be sponsored, given a bit of training and asked document this great adventure. She quit working for the man, sold her worldly possessions and fell in love with nature. She completed the trail in 4 months. She has gone on to hike other amazing long distance trails and she is down right as cool as she sounds. If you want to follow her story you can do that here at her site http://staywildandtrue.com/. I am truly #blessed to call her a friend.
She shoots out a random text on Thursday mid morning as I am settled in bed (still) because I lack the motivation to be a functioning member of society at times. The week leading up to this weekend was rough. I was in a state of sadness, one I thought I was past but I was missing the companionship and normalcy that was my life just a few months ago. The tears were not quite back but I could feel the state of grief returning to my body. I was just missing him and mourning the loss of this beautiful life we built together. The one that I was slowly dismantling. I was sad because I wouldn't be at the lake with my love and my friends but he would be there without me, in a new life that I was not the center of any more.
The random text at the start of this holiday weekend was a welcome event.
(continued)
Monday, September 7, 2015
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Welcome Back!
I WISH I WOULD HAVE CHRONICLED the last two years of my life. I am so disappointed that I gave up writing through what we would be one of my most significant life lessons in the last decade. I got busy, I fell in love, I refocused and I lost this piece of myself.
Here I am 22 months later, almost 12 weeks since the beginning of the end of Mr. Greaseman. I have worked through the stages of grief, the betrayal, the heartbreak. I have lived through the sleepless nights, the overwhelming despair, and the need for answers. I have found my own closure without any help from the man who packed two suitcases and left my beautiful life forever. I have survived... another one.
I am not going to give you the details of this false fairytale I lived over the last 20 months. I don't feel the need to immortalize in print any of the reasons I fell so deeply in love with this man. I am going to tell you the lesson I learned when it ended.
I have to give credit where credit is due. The first person to see the life lesson at the end of this was non other than My Fabulous Ex-Husband. Over the almost 10 years we have been divorced and co-parenting we have learned how to love and respect each other in a way I think most married couples would envy. Our ability to communicate and support each other is impressive. I am so #blessed by him being in my life.
When the bottom really fell out with Mr. Greaseman and My Fabulous Ex-Husband had a chance to sit down with me about how this would affect Our Daughter, he said something that I didn't give a lot of thought to in the moment but it rings so true now. "Sunshine you have to do your due diligence, I don't think you really vetted him enough. It took me 5 years to pop the question."
He was right, I didn't give this enough time to really know the person I planned on spending the rest of my life with. He gave me enough of the pieces to the puzzle that I didn't realize how little I understood about his past. I was too busy falling in love to step back and really see the nature of this person. To understand who it was I was tying myself to for the foreseeable future. I trust my gut and I thought I was right about the character of this man but there was a pattern in his behavior I could have no way of knowing - He genuinely fell in love and I think he firmly believed it would last but he has no concept of true love. Love to Mr. Greaseman is the happy feel good chemical reaction in your brain that lasts the first 12-18 months. By month 20, his bags were packed and I was a puddle of brokenness on the floor.
It took getting through the heartbreak and self pity of trusting this man to really see this lesson come to light. It also took some late night Facebook stalking and few life hacks to gain further information to see what I was never told and could never have known: He has done this before.
Everyone has a past and as you have read mine is sorted and littered with the ghosts of boyfriends past. BUT pasts are important, without a knowledge and understanding about what has happened in life we cannot learn from it. This is why we study history, so it does not repeat itself.
I took his hesitation to talk about what made failures of his first marriage and the "few" significant romances between that and me, as slightly comforting. I didn't feel the need to divulge every man in my last 10 years of being single. I was in a really healthy good place and I was ready for love.
The personality differences between us were easy enough for me to adapt. I made necessary adjustments to counteract the insecurities I could see. I am sort of a chameleon with my personality, I can be happy in all types of relationships. I mistakenly identified his dependency as co-dependency. I looked at that as a form of security for me, as opposed to what it truly is, a man that needs someone and if those needs are not being met to his liking, he will seek out someone else to meet them. It was not the egomaniacal sociopath that I had so much experience with, this was a man with genuine intent to fall in love and a need to have a companion but without the knowledge, loyalty, strength, or raw ability to make a real relationship work.
He had a whole lot of give up in him and a whole lot of needs that no matter how hard I tried to adjust, I could never meet them all. After all, I am only one person and lord knows my needs were not being met either. But I am a mother and the one thing we are good at is surviving. We know how to take care of everyone else first and put ourselves last. We can push through some horrible circumstances if the ends seem to justify the means.
So this morning, early because I like to keep my Facebook deactivated most of the day I decided to see if Mr. Greaseman had been up to anything new. He and I are still "friends" probably because mine is deactivated most of the time so its kind of hard to unfriend someone you cannot see. I recently came across this hack that is you search "photos of whoever" you can see everything that is public they are tagged in, even if they have it hidden from there timeline or in another album. So I use this to see if there is anything new going on and it was interesting to see some of the old.
Today, something changed. The live in girlfriend that predated me by a year or so has made all of her photos with Mr. Greaseman public. This led me to her public wall, where all of these photos and posts were available for me to see. It was like looking into a crystal ball 2 years too late. I have looked her up before and none of this was there. I am not sure what changed to make it available today but I have to thank The Universe for putting this new information in front of me.
It was like a mirror image of our courtship. The trips, the gifts, the holidays, the house, the flowers, the concerts... It was all the same. It was like I just slipped into her place and he continued on as normal. Their relationship was so similar in appearance it was eerie. The only difference I can see, is that since I make probably 3 times what she did, we lived like the 1%. The significant duel incomes allowed us to have more and do more on a grander scale. The other difference is I am better at closing deals, so I have a 3 carat 17k engagement ring to remind me that I was worth just a little bit more than the last love of his life.
Seeing it all there, in pictures frozen in time it was heartbreaking; yet cathartic. It was like the final piece was chiseled away from my heart and now I could begin to rebuild. The healing could officially take place because for all the blame I have thrown on myself the past several weeks today I finally saw the pattern that was never available to me before. It was the story never told and without all the facts, I made the best decision I could.
For the first time, I see the lesson: Love truly is patient and with time you can trust it. If you choose to rush into the feelings and embrace the passion of the beginning one or both of you will, most likely, fall out of love as quickly as you fell into it. Lesson learned, or so I hope.
One more thing: Don't stop writing. Your clearest thinking comes from reflecting upon your own words and thoughts. I'm back y'all!
Here I am 22 months later, almost 12 weeks since the beginning of the end of Mr. Greaseman. I have worked through the stages of grief, the betrayal, the heartbreak. I have lived through the sleepless nights, the overwhelming despair, and the need for answers. I have found my own closure without any help from the man who packed two suitcases and left my beautiful life forever. I have survived... another one.
I am not going to give you the details of this false fairytale I lived over the last 20 months. I don't feel the need to immortalize in print any of the reasons I fell so deeply in love with this man. I am going to tell you the lesson I learned when it ended.
I have to give credit where credit is due. The first person to see the life lesson at the end of this was non other than My Fabulous Ex-Husband. Over the almost 10 years we have been divorced and co-parenting we have learned how to love and respect each other in a way I think most married couples would envy. Our ability to communicate and support each other is impressive. I am so #blessed by him being in my life.
When the bottom really fell out with Mr. Greaseman and My Fabulous Ex-Husband had a chance to sit down with me about how this would affect Our Daughter, he said something that I didn't give a lot of thought to in the moment but it rings so true now. "Sunshine you have to do your due diligence, I don't think you really vetted him enough. It took me 5 years to pop the question."
He was right, I didn't give this enough time to really know the person I planned on spending the rest of my life with. He gave me enough of the pieces to the puzzle that I didn't realize how little I understood about his past. I was too busy falling in love to step back and really see the nature of this person. To understand who it was I was tying myself to for the foreseeable future. I trust my gut and I thought I was right about the character of this man but there was a pattern in his behavior I could have no way of knowing - He genuinely fell in love and I think he firmly believed it would last but he has no concept of true love. Love to Mr. Greaseman is the happy feel good chemical reaction in your brain that lasts the first 12-18 months. By month 20, his bags were packed and I was a puddle of brokenness on the floor.
It took getting through the heartbreak and self pity of trusting this man to really see this lesson come to light. It also took some late night Facebook stalking and few life hacks to gain further information to see what I was never told and could never have known: He has done this before.
Everyone has a past and as you have read mine is sorted and littered with the ghosts of boyfriends past. BUT pasts are important, without a knowledge and understanding about what has happened in life we cannot learn from it. This is why we study history, so it does not repeat itself.
I took his hesitation to talk about what made failures of his first marriage and the "few" significant romances between that and me, as slightly comforting. I didn't feel the need to divulge every man in my last 10 years of being single. I was in a really healthy good place and I was ready for love.
The personality differences between us were easy enough for me to adapt. I made necessary adjustments to counteract the insecurities I could see. I am sort of a chameleon with my personality, I can be happy in all types of relationships. I mistakenly identified his dependency as co-dependency. I looked at that as a form of security for me, as opposed to what it truly is, a man that needs someone and if those needs are not being met to his liking, he will seek out someone else to meet them. It was not the egomaniacal sociopath that I had so much experience with, this was a man with genuine intent to fall in love and a need to have a companion but without the knowledge, loyalty, strength, or raw ability to make a real relationship work.
He had a whole lot of give up in him and a whole lot of needs that no matter how hard I tried to adjust, I could never meet them all. After all, I am only one person and lord knows my needs were not being met either. But I am a mother and the one thing we are good at is surviving. We know how to take care of everyone else first and put ourselves last. We can push through some horrible circumstances if the ends seem to justify the means.
So this morning, early because I like to keep my Facebook deactivated most of the day I decided to see if Mr. Greaseman had been up to anything new. He and I are still "friends" probably because mine is deactivated most of the time so its kind of hard to unfriend someone you cannot see. I recently came across this hack that is you search "photos of whoever" you can see everything that is public they are tagged in, even if they have it hidden from there timeline or in another album. So I use this to see if there is anything new going on and it was interesting to see some of the old.
Today, something changed. The live in girlfriend that predated me by a year or so has made all of her photos with Mr. Greaseman public. This led me to her public wall, where all of these photos and posts were available for me to see. It was like looking into a crystal ball 2 years too late. I have looked her up before and none of this was there. I am not sure what changed to make it available today but I have to thank The Universe for putting this new information in front of me.
It was like a mirror image of our courtship. The trips, the gifts, the holidays, the house, the flowers, the concerts... It was all the same. It was like I just slipped into her place and he continued on as normal. Their relationship was so similar in appearance it was eerie. The only difference I can see, is that since I make probably 3 times what she did, we lived like the 1%. The significant duel incomes allowed us to have more and do more on a grander scale. The other difference is I am better at closing deals, so I have a 3 carat 17k engagement ring to remind me that I was worth just a little bit more than the last love of his life.
Seeing it all there, in pictures frozen in time it was heartbreaking; yet cathartic. It was like the final piece was chiseled away from my heart and now I could begin to rebuild. The healing could officially take place because for all the blame I have thrown on myself the past several weeks today I finally saw the pattern that was never available to me before. It was the story never told and without all the facts, I made the best decision I could.
For the first time, I see the lesson: Love truly is patient and with time you can trust it. If you choose to rush into the feelings and embrace the passion of the beginning one or both of you will, most likely, fall out of love as quickly as you fell into it. Lesson learned, or so I hope.
One more thing: Don't stop writing. Your clearest thinking comes from reflecting upon your own words and thoughts. I'm back y'all!
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Why, Can't We Be Friends?
I have been analyzing my friendships with the opposite sex a lot lately. Let's start with JFK... We finally ended the grey dating but not dating we had been doing for months and then he was just sort of gone. It was good timing for him to pull the Houdini because my rebound boy came along all too quickly to take my mind off of him.
My rebound relationship came in the form of one of my oldest friends and isn't that just the most dangerous kind? Yes, my raw, heartbroken, bitter, angry brain decided that when a high school guy friend finally made his move after 13 years it would be a good idea to go for it. I'm an idiot.
I would be lying if I didn't confess that for the first 3ish weeks this relationship was perfect. We were having a blast, all of our mutual friends were in this weird state of shock that we got together but they loved it. We were a couple in a world of our peers that were all couples. We just sort of fell into this perfect little niche' group and we both loved it.
We have always really cared for each other and the only time the friendship line had been blurred, it wasn't pursued because of him, not me. This time he was just in awe of who I have become over the last two years and let's be honest- I have done some work on myself.
As far as being in a good position to start a relationship, I am there. I am in a stable career, I make fantastic money, like enough that I am no longer attracted to older rich men who could take care of me. I live in a gorgeous house, in a neighborhood I have always been in love with and I drive a decent car. My daughter is downright amazing. Her father and I have a great relationship so I don't have any baby daddy drama. I am even getting along with my father.
Right now, my life is so unbelievably good, I can see where Cherry (my high school friend) would totally want to date me. The thing he didn't know was how devastated I was over JFK. He couldn't have known because initially even I didn't realize it.
I am right when I say that when I decide it is over, it really is pushed out of my mind. JFK played such an intricate role in the my climb to functioning adulthood, I have had a really hard time letting go of him. Cherry didn't have a prayer for living up to the standard JFK had created.
The first few weeks with Cherry were total bliss but as real life sets in and his flaws come out, I wanted out. I wanted out well before he ever screwed up and gave me the out. I was looking for a way to bail for weeks! His lack of motivation in his career, his complacency and acceptance of mediocrity were hugely unattractive. ALMOST as unattractive as his massive alcohol problem, the snoring, the gut and the inability to know when things were appropriate. By the time I got my 'get out of jail free card' I was ready to kill him.
I was sure it wasn't going to last by about 3 weeks in but at that same moment he had gone all in and I didn't want to ruin the friendship I have honestly cherished for years. It really is true that you only know what people want you to know about them until you insert yourself into their day to day life.
Cherry, wasn't what I thought and he wasn't what I wanted. He finally got fed up with my bitchy attitude when he made a drunken ass of himself in front of my dearest friends on a vacation that I PAID FOR that he yelled "F- YOU!" at me. To be fair, I was being a raging bitch at this moment. Regardless, straw meet camel, camel this is straw. BOOM! I'm OUT!
He crossed a line that I would not allow any man to ever come back from. He disrespected me and not for the first time, but he verbally assaulted me in front of my friends and more importantly my daughter. It was that moment, I sighed with relief more than anger and knew I was home free.
This was the first time Miss Priss had ever been exposed to that kind of an outburst which brought on a whole knew parenting issue. It was a moment I am almost thankful for, it allowed me to explain how disrespectful that was and how I would not stand for it. She would never see me tolerate a man that disrespected me and also should never have a man in her life that sees it as acceptable to talk down to her in any way. I took it as a moment to be honest with my daughter about what she deserves.
Now, Cherry isn't a bad person, he isn't even a bad drunk. He just isn't as mindful of his behavior as he should be. He isn't husband material, he isn't even boyfriend material. I got out and I got out quick! Before we got too far into a relationship and couldn't salvage the friendship. He still calls and invites me to do stuff but we will never date again. Thank god!
The end of Cherry showed me a few things. 1) I am not over JFK and 2) it is going to take a hell of a man to live up to the standard I have created for a partner.
As soon as Cherry was officially out the door JFK and I began chatting again. It isn't the same back and forth dating conversation that drug on for so many months. We really are entering into the friend zone. I love that man with all my heart and if he asked me tomorrow if I wanted to try this again, I would say yes. But I am ready to move forward.
I realize that I want everything that JFK is but I want someone who thinks I am just as incredible even more. I see the mistakes I made in that relationship but I am thankful for it nevertheless. So as I venture back into a friendship with this glorious man, I am opening myself up to someone new. I am appreciating the insight he has into who I am as a person and his ability to just know me better than anyone else. I am also letting go of the idea that we will ever make it.
I am in a good place with these boys. I am believe that if men and women understand each others boundaries and weaknesses and they don't test or exploit either then they can make a friendship work. Even a friendship after a relationship.
My rebound relationship came in the form of one of my oldest friends and isn't that just the most dangerous kind? Yes, my raw, heartbroken, bitter, angry brain decided that when a high school guy friend finally made his move after 13 years it would be a good idea to go for it. I'm an idiot.
I would be lying if I didn't confess that for the first 3ish weeks this relationship was perfect. We were having a blast, all of our mutual friends were in this weird state of shock that we got together but they loved it. We were a couple in a world of our peers that were all couples. We just sort of fell into this perfect little niche' group and we both loved it.
We have always really cared for each other and the only time the friendship line had been blurred, it wasn't pursued because of him, not me. This time he was just in awe of who I have become over the last two years and let's be honest- I have done some work on myself.
As far as being in a good position to start a relationship, I am there. I am in a stable career, I make fantastic money, like enough that I am no longer attracted to older rich men who could take care of me. I live in a gorgeous house, in a neighborhood I have always been in love with and I drive a decent car. My daughter is downright amazing. Her father and I have a great relationship so I don't have any baby daddy drama. I am even getting along with my father.
Right now, my life is so unbelievably good, I can see where Cherry (my high school friend) would totally want to date me. The thing he didn't know was how devastated I was over JFK. He couldn't have known because initially even I didn't realize it.
I am right when I say that when I decide it is over, it really is pushed out of my mind. JFK played such an intricate role in the my climb to functioning adulthood, I have had a really hard time letting go of him. Cherry didn't have a prayer for living up to the standard JFK had created.
The first few weeks with Cherry were total bliss but as real life sets in and his flaws come out, I wanted out. I wanted out well before he ever screwed up and gave me the out. I was looking for a way to bail for weeks! His lack of motivation in his career, his complacency and acceptance of mediocrity were hugely unattractive. ALMOST as unattractive as his massive alcohol problem, the snoring, the gut and the inability to know when things were appropriate. By the time I got my 'get out of jail free card' I was ready to kill him.
I was sure it wasn't going to last by about 3 weeks in but at that same moment he had gone all in and I didn't want to ruin the friendship I have honestly cherished for years. It really is true that you only know what people want you to know about them until you insert yourself into their day to day life.
Cherry, wasn't what I thought and he wasn't what I wanted. He finally got fed up with my bitchy attitude when he made a drunken ass of himself in front of my dearest friends on a vacation that I PAID FOR that he yelled "F- YOU!" at me. To be fair, I was being a raging bitch at this moment. Regardless, straw meet camel, camel this is straw. BOOM! I'm OUT!
He crossed a line that I would not allow any man to ever come back from. He disrespected me and not for the first time, but he verbally assaulted me in front of my friends and more importantly my daughter. It was that moment, I sighed with relief more than anger and knew I was home free.
This was the first time Miss Priss had ever been exposed to that kind of an outburst which brought on a whole knew parenting issue. It was a moment I am almost thankful for, it allowed me to explain how disrespectful that was and how I would not stand for it. She would never see me tolerate a man that disrespected me and also should never have a man in her life that sees it as acceptable to talk down to her in any way. I took it as a moment to be honest with my daughter about what she deserves.
Now, Cherry isn't a bad person, he isn't even a bad drunk. He just isn't as mindful of his behavior as he should be. He isn't husband material, he isn't even boyfriend material. I got out and I got out quick! Before we got too far into a relationship and couldn't salvage the friendship. He still calls and invites me to do stuff but we will never date again. Thank god!
The end of Cherry showed me a few things. 1) I am not over JFK and 2) it is going to take a hell of a man to live up to the standard I have created for a partner.
As soon as Cherry was officially out the door JFK and I began chatting again. It isn't the same back and forth dating conversation that drug on for so many months. We really are entering into the friend zone. I love that man with all my heart and if he asked me tomorrow if I wanted to try this again, I would say yes. But I am ready to move forward.
I realize that I want everything that JFK is but I want someone who thinks I am just as incredible even more. I see the mistakes I made in that relationship but I am thankful for it nevertheless. So as I venture back into a friendship with this glorious man, I am opening myself up to someone new. I am appreciating the insight he has into who I am as a person and his ability to just know me better than anyone else. I am also letting go of the idea that we will ever make it.
I am in a good place with these boys. I am believe that if men and women understand each others boundaries and weaknesses and they don't test or exploit either then they can make a friendship work. Even a friendship after a relationship.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Do You Know What 'IT' Is?
JFK finally made his exit from my life a few weeks ago. There had been this tug-o-war between us for months. Me trying to pull him back into our relationship and him protesting and warning that we were better as "just friends." This all came to a head the night we celebrated his birthday with my best friends.
I had recently turned 30 and my birthday marks the first time in 2013 we decided we could be friends who like to see each other naked. I have been all for this plan but his fear of living in the grey and ruining our friendship kept us pretty strictly in the friend zone. A few weeks later we seem to be doing fine and I am all happy with the prospect that we might actually figure out this whole thing.
His birthday celebration ends in too many cocktails and one giant conversation about his feelings that he initiated maybe for the first time ever. I am not sure I will ever forget the moment when the most unaffectionate man I have ever known pulled me towards him, ran his fingers through my hair, deeply gazing at me and said, "do you have any idea how amazing you are?" In true girl fashion, I drop eye contact and am awed by his words. So, he raises my chin, says look at me and begins to describe everything he loves about me. This started as one of the most romantic conversations of my life.
JFK in all seriousness said something I had known for almost a year but had never heard him say of his own accord, he told me he loved me. He said it more than once and then he said that one thing every person who has ever been open, vulnerable, and completely in love dreads to hear... "I love you and if I thought we would make it, that we could do this and it last long term, I would be ALL in, I would be all in but I don't FEEL IT. Do you know what 'it' is?"
That's right, I have been in this heartbreaking romantic comedy of a life for a year and a half and now, in this moment, for the first time, it isn't because you aren't ready or you don't want to date anyone and have this need to be selfish. It's because YOU DON"T FEEL IT.
I think I physically had to catch my breath at this revelation. I knew I had allowed him to slowly chip away at me and that I was loosing all of the strength I loved about myself. I knew I had begun sacrificing my own happiness in an effort to keep him in just about any capacity in my life. I knew I was slowly breaking, again. But in that moment, he finally broke me.
That was the end of us. The other selfish moments of that conversation with him were icing on the cake. The parts that gave me enough anger to be comfortable walking away. A few days later, our final sober conversation ended with, "the one thing that has become painfully clear, is that if I stop trying. If I stop putting effort into maintaining this relationship, it will cease to exist. That is heartbreaking."
He actually had the nerve to disagree with that statement. So, I just said that we shall see and with that we got off the phone. I haven't heard from him since. A year and a half of falling in love with the man that encompassed quite literally everything I have ever wanted in a partner had finally ended.
I fight for what I want, I hold on to things and people well past the point of no return. I give until there is nothing left to take BUT when I am done, I am really done. He flits in and out of my mind on occasion but it is nothing like it was. I have moments like this morning where processing the end causes me to want to get it out and get it over with but for the most part he is just gone.
I had recently turned 30 and my birthday marks the first time in 2013 we decided we could be friends who like to see each other naked. I have been all for this plan but his fear of living in the grey and ruining our friendship kept us pretty strictly in the friend zone. A few weeks later we seem to be doing fine and I am all happy with the prospect that we might actually figure out this whole thing.
His birthday celebration ends in too many cocktails and one giant conversation about his feelings that he initiated maybe for the first time ever. I am not sure I will ever forget the moment when the most unaffectionate man I have ever known pulled me towards him, ran his fingers through my hair, deeply gazing at me and said, "do you have any idea how amazing you are?" In true girl fashion, I drop eye contact and am awed by his words. So, he raises my chin, says look at me and begins to describe everything he loves about me. This started as one of the most romantic conversations of my life.
JFK in all seriousness said something I had known for almost a year but had never heard him say of his own accord, he told me he loved me. He said it more than once and then he said that one thing every person who has ever been open, vulnerable, and completely in love dreads to hear... "I love you and if I thought we would make it, that we could do this and it last long term, I would be ALL in, I would be all in but I don't FEEL IT. Do you know what 'it' is?"
That's right, I have been in this heartbreaking romantic comedy of a life for a year and a half and now, in this moment, for the first time, it isn't because you aren't ready or you don't want to date anyone and have this need to be selfish. It's because YOU DON"T FEEL IT.
I think I physically had to catch my breath at this revelation. I knew I had allowed him to slowly chip away at me and that I was loosing all of the strength I loved about myself. I knew I had begun sacrificing my own happiness in an effort to keep him in just about any capacity in my life. I knew I was slowly breaking, again. But in that moment, he finally broke me.
That was the end of us. The other selfish moments of that conversation with him were icing on the cake. The parts that gave me enough anger to be comfortable walking away. A few days later, our final sober conversation ended with, "the one thing that has become painfully clear, is that if I stop trying. If I stop putting effort into maintaining this relationship, it will cease to exist. That is heartbreaking."
He actually had the nerve to disagree with that statement. So, I just said that we shall see and with that we got off the phone. I haven't heard from him since. A year and a half of falling in love with the man that encompassed quite literally everything I have ever wanted in a partner had finally ended.
I fight for what I want, I hold on to things and people well past the point of no return. I give until there is nothing left to take BUT when I am done, I am really done. He flits in and out of my mind on occasion but it is nothing like it was. I have moments like this morning where processing the end causes me to want to get it out and get it over with but for the most part he is just gone.
Monday, June 17, 2013
My Inner Mean Girl
I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN that I have the ability to be the most vindictive person on the planet. The creativity that goes into my revenge fantasies when someone does me wrong can be terrifying. I'd like to think that I don't hold grudges but every once in a while there is a perfect storm and my inner mean girl emerges.
This weekend she made an appearance and I can't decide if I feel guilty or if my indifference to the situation is acceptable. Hopefully we will figure that out by the end of my rant. So, let's introduce the players...
Remember when I had that Girl Friend Break Up back in 2011? I just cut this girl out of my life, she wasn't healthy for herself so it definitely wasn't healthy for me. Well, I ran into her a few weeks ago on Mother's Day. It had been almost two years since any real exchange had taken place between us. In our brief encounter we established that life was going really well. She was in a job she liked and had worked at for the last year and a half. She was doing well with one of her two babies daddy's but was successfully juggling single mom of 2. She was in the same little duplex and seemed very content with her life plan to eventually make it to nursing school. When she suggested we hang out some time, I thought it would be nice to reconnect.
Now, I believe it is important to know that this girl has a tendency to say a lot of angry hurtful things when she is mad. I have been on the receiving end of one of her tongue lashings and things have never been the same. Even when we were friends, I still didn't trust her too much with anything that made me vulnerable to her. The words "you are letting your ex-husband's girlfriend raise your daughter" as a criticism of my parenting skills was not only laughably false but the most hateful thing someone could thing to say. For me, words last forever. I forgive but they are impossible to forget.
So two weekends ago, we go to the park with the girls. This marks the first time I have stepped foot into her house since the Summer of 2011. The first warning sign, you can't walk through the front door. When I walk into her little side door I am greeted with a mountain of dishes in the sink and a mess that can be compared to the beginning stages of hoarding. She obviously is apologetic about the mess and the sticky fly paper hanging above the sink collecting the fruit fly infestation. I also notice the pile of laundry baskets and clothing literally half way up the front door. Sure 'nuff, you couldn't open that thing with a one of those things a SWAT team would use to break down your door.
The day goes fine, I offer to cook chicken at my house for dinner so the girls can play. We have a conversation about work, goals and life plans. She confesses she doesn't really like her job but wouldn't want to give it up because she is now established in a hospital. She isn't sure when nursing school will happen but probably not until her youngest starts pre-k in two years. I tell her to just keep grinding forward.
Two days later, she has quit her job and is heading to OKC to visit some high school flame who wants to marry her and give her the life she has never had (that is almost a direct quote). I get off the call sort of perplexed with how in 4 weeks she can digress from seemingly put together to this.
This week, Thursday I have a little too much fun and decide working remotely on my Friday is a good idea. So I want a cheeseburger for breakfast and think to myself, who can go eat a cheeseburger at 10am on a Friday? This girl! Call her up, she answers the phone laying in this mutual friend of ours bed. Tells me about her night which makes mine look like a bible study and thinks cheeseburgers are a great idea.
I roll over to the dudes house because I know him just as well as she does... He is a cutie and I am in shock that they stayed the night together. When I get there, he is cool and she is telling endless stories of baby daddy drama. I think to myself, this guy is hot, single, fun and funny... Why should he be off limits because this girl who I am not even that close to got wasted with him last night. Even if they made out, he's still fair game.
In the interest of good sportsmanship I make this thought process known, she thinks I am kidding. I half ass was but before we leave the house, I have this guy wearing a wedding ring pretending we are married.
The day and night go down hill from here. I remain fun and low key, every person who crosses ol' girls path gets a slice of her dramatic life story. I didn't even have to do anything to become the most desirable female in the room, she did it for me. He and I actually make plans for the next weekend before the sun goes down. I straight up took him from her... In fact at one point she said, "I am not sure how I woke up in his bed this morning and you are married to him." My response was classic! "I'm good at closing deals... that's why I am good at my job."
The moments of tension that arise between her and I are squashed and come out unscathed. It was mean though. If it were a girl friend I respected and thought this guy might have a genuine interest in, I never would have done it. Honestly, I felt like I was doing him a favor. You really think an unemployed single mother of two with no leads on school or a new job, that is fighting with one ex over custody who is literally married to a girl that was a lesbian before they met and between them they are expecting kid number 9, yes, NINE and the other ex fresh out of rehab for a drug and alcohol addiction he has battled for the better part of 15 years. Aside from the fact she can't help but only talk of dramatic conflicts in her past and present... Is this really the kind of girl you would let even an acquaintance get involved with? Let alone a high school buddy, you run into all the time and find attractive. I mean... What was I to do?
The bridge between her and I may be a little bit crispy. For the first time I can take the blame. She never would have dreamed I would have swooped in like that on someone she was blatantly interested in and I am a little surprised at myself for doing it. In the end, I am not sure the boy is going to be worth it but the friendship isn't really worth it either. Regardless, I have a date on Friday night and had a blast this weekend.
This weekend she made an appearance and I can't decide if I feel guilty or if my indifference to the situation is acceptable. Hopefully we will figure that out by the end of my rant. So, let's introduce the players...
Remember when I had that Girl Friend Break Up back in 2011? I just cut this girl out of my life, she wasn't healthy for herself so it definitely wasn't healthy for me. Well, I ran into her a few weeks ago on Mother's Day. It had been almost two years since any real exchange had taken place between us. In our brief encounter we established that life was going really well. She was in a job she liked and had worked at for the last year and a half. She was doing well with one of her two babies daddy's but was successfully juggling single mom of 2. She was in the same little duplex and seemed very content with her life plan to eventually make it to nursing school. When she suggested we hang out some time, I thought it would be nice to reconnect.
Now, I believe it is important to know that this girl has a tendency to say a lot of angry hurtful things when she is mad. I have been on the receiving end of one of her tongue lashings and things have never been the same. Even when we were friends, I still didn't trust her too much with anything that made me vulnerable to her. The words "you are letting your ex-husband's girlfriend raise your daughter" as a criticism of my parenting skills was not only laughably false but the most hateful thing someone could thing to say. For me, words last forever. I forgive but they are impossible to forget.
So two weekends ago, we go to the park with the girls. This marks the first time I have stepped foot into her house since the Summer of 2011. The first warning sign, you can't walk through the front door. When I walk into her little side door I am greeted with a mountain of dishes in the sink and a mess that can be compared to the beginning stages of hoarding. She obviously is apologetic about the mess and the sticky fly paper hanging above the sink collecting the fruit fly infestation. I also notice the pile of laundry baskets and clothing literally half way up the front door. Sure 'nuff, you couldn't open that thing with a one of those things a SWAT team would use to break down your door.
The day goes fine, I offer to cook chicken at my house for dinner so the girls can play. We have a conversation about work, goals and life plans. She confesses she doesn't really like her job but wouldn't want to give it up because she is now established in a hospital. She isn't sure when nursing school will happen but probably not until her youngest starts pre-k in two years. I tell her to just keep grinding forward.
Two days later, she has quit her job and is heading to OKC to visit some high school flame who wants to marry her and give her the life she has never had (that is almost a direct quote). I get off the call sort of perplexed with how in 4 weeks she can digress from seemingly put together to this.
This week, Thursday I have a little too much fun and decide working remotely on my Friday is a good idea. So I want a cheeseburger for breakfast and think to myself, who can go eat a cheeseburger at 10am on a Friday? This girl! Call her up, she answers the phone laying in this mutual friend of ours bed. Tells me about her night which makes mine look like a bible study and thinks cheeseburgers are a great idea.
I roll over to the dudes house because I know him just as well as she does... He is a cutie and I am in shock that they stayed the night together. When I get there, he is cool and she is telling endless stories of baby daddy drama. I think to myself, this guy is hot, single, fun and funny... Why should he be off limits because this girl who I am not even that close to got wasted with him last night. Even if they made out, he's still fair game.
In the interest of good sportsmanship I make this thought process known, she thinks I am kidding. I half ass was but before we leave the house, I have this guy wearing a wedding ring pretending we are married.
The day and night go down hill from here. I remain fun and low key, every person who crosses ol' girls path gets a slice of her dramatic life story. I didn't even have to do anything to become the most desirable female in the room, she did it for me. He and I actually make plans for the next weekend before the sun goes down. I straight up took him from her... In fact at one point she said, "I am not sure how I woke up in his bed this morning and you are married to him." My response was classic! "I'm good at closing deals... that's why I am good at my job."
The moments of tension that arise between her and I are squashed and come out unscathed. It was mean though. If it were a girl friend I respected and thought this guy might have a genuine interest in, I never would have done it. Honestly, I felt like I was doing him a favor. You really think an unemployed single mother of two with no leads on school or a new job, that is fighting with one ex over custody who is literally married to a girl that was a lesbian before they met and between them they are expecting kid number 9, yes, NINE and the other ex fresh out of rehab for a drug and alcohol addiction he has battled for the better part of 15 years. Aside from the fact she can't help but only talk of dramatic conflicts in her past and present... Is this really the kind of girl you would let even an acquaintance get involved with? Let alone a high school buddy, you run into all the time and find attractive. I mean... What was I to do?
The bridge between her and I may be a little bit crispy. For the first time I can take the blame. She never would have dreamed I would have swooped in like that on someone she was blatantly interested in and I am a little surprised at myself for doing it. In the end, I am not sure the boy is going to be worth it but the friendship isn't really worth it either. Regardless, I have a date on Friday night and had a blast this weekend.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Did We Ever Really End?
I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING since JFK and I officially broke up months ago. I say "officially" but I think we can more accurately call this a "technical" break up. I fell into the same cycle that I think a lot of women linger in after a relationship ends. I didn't let it.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this was right or healthy and it is obviously only possible if the man is on the same page but I really didn't let this relationship come to a screeching halt.
JFK chose to cut out the physical part of dating with only one real notable slip up but everything else stayed the same. He treats me exactly the way he did when we were dating, in fact he is a little better. We spend the same amount of time together, having at least one dinner and drinks date night a week. He sees my daughter and my friends when it works in with his schedule and he calls me every day. We talk multiple times a day and he never doesn't call me back. I am not frustrated because he goes off the grid, he just doesn't really do it as much.
He isn't dating anyone else, at least not that he admits and honestly with the amount of his spare time he spends on me, I tend to believe him. BUT we are not together and we haven't been since November.
Fast forward to March, we spend St. Patrick's Day together and a few things are changing in my life. I am moving into a new fantastic house, I have an amazing job and I have started dating someone else. JFK and I are successfully doing what we set out to do, remain friends.
Just a few little things about this "friendship" are giving me cause to write. I have some mixed emotions I need to get out into the world because I am in a real weird place. I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
You see the problem. We have gotten even closer, we are even better friends than we were. We cut out the physical but we didn't back off on the emotional at all and he sees that too. I have put this boy through more, 'Why aren't we dating?' conversations than any sane man could possibly stand. We have had tearful screaming fights and I have lashed out with anger at him on several occasions but he stayed. He always initiated the apology or offered a humerus voicemail to cut the tension and get us back on track. He never has never given up on wanting me in his life but he insists we are just friends.
Everyone I know, can see that he loves me too. Everyone knows he is young and scared but strangely committed even though he is pushing me to move on, he is encouraging me to start dating which I have reluctantly started to do...
Enter, Hot Doctor. That's right... I met someone and it was like the Universe smacked me in the face and said, here maybe this will help.
I have gone on the occasional date, no more than 2 with a single given guy. I met a hottie on a Girls Ski Trip in Park City, Utah and played boyfriend/girlfriend with him for 3 days but that's it... I was still just pseudo dating JFK and we were having a great time (most of the time).
Then, my childhood best friend Liv comes in town for a quick visit. We hit up a new bar my favorite bartender has just opened, I was actually there with JFK two days earlier. In walks an attractive man who at an 80% empty bar on a Wednesday night sits next to me and introduces himself. We proceed to chat for 4 hours and then he asks for my phone number. I give it to him, not sure if anything will come of this he gives me a polite hug and a peck on the cheek before leaving.
His stats are impressive: 33, never married, no kids. He has moved to Tulsa for his Cardiology Fellowship. That's right this hot guy who hit on me at a bar is a real live single cardiologist. Let that sink in for a second, first off, I didn't know single hot doctors existed outside of prime time TV dramas. Secondly, if this mystical creature does in fact exist they are not interested in me. I am WILD.
I will give myself some credit, since I began this blog in early 2011 I have taken my train wreck of a life and made something of myself. I am in a successful career I have had for over 2 years. I have dated one attractive, successful, respectful man (JFK) for about a year (if you count all the time he didn't realize we were dating). I reached some personal goals too: I bought a new car in 2011, I moved into a cute house and am on the verge of moving into an even nicer house. I am a better mother, in better shape (down 20+ lbs) and I am emotionally the most stable I have ever been. All that being said, I still spend too much money, I just thankfully make more and I drink too much which leads to hilarious antics at some of my favorite watering holes. You can see where a single mother with a sub par credit score and an affinity for boozing might not be the quintessential future wife of a cardiologist.
When he called the very next day and asked me out for Saturday Night, I couldn't say no. I would be an idiot to say no to a date with Hot Doctor.
The date went great, the whole month of dating is going great. He seems to really like me. He seems genuinely interested in most everything I say. He is polite and affectionate. He is passionate and caring. Gorgeous and utterly brilliant. He is a total catch. I am kind of the luckiest girl on the planet that my best friend planned a last minute visit which rearranged my schedule so I could go out with her but then those plans got cancelled so I had to improvise which led us to a casual bar where a Hot Doctor approached me.
The problem is JFK, since he is my best friend and everyone knows the best relationships are with your best friends. He and I have analyzed his fear of commitment and it finally made since in a matter of fact conversation on St. Patrick's Day. He didn't say anything he hadn't said 100 times before but this time it sunk in... "I know where this relationship leads, I know what happens if we start dating again, even casually. It eventually gets serious and I am not ready for that. I am not going to be ready for that, not in like a couple years, I may not be ready for that in like 10 years and I don't want to waste your time. I am wasting your time."
It makes since, in 10 years he could easily marry me and want to have a family... I will be 40 and I don't want to be starting my life with someone who wants and deserves children at 40. If babies are in my future, they are in the next 5 years. I know too much medically to be comfortable having children later in life, even if you can, I do not believe you necessarily should. Besides, I'd rather not be 60 with a teenager and a 40 year old daughter.
In our more recent conversations he has said stuff like, "You and HD are just a better fit." He has inquired as to why and how I can still be stuck on him even a little bit when I have "traded up" so significantly. I answered him honestly,"You are my best friend, I have always wanted to marry my best friend and I can tell you in my 15 years of dating and relationship experience, NO ONE has ever gotten me like you get me." He laughed and agreed with all of it. I get him in the same manner and I am his best friend too.
So, my bestie girl friend watching this saga unfold thinks the more space I put between JFK and myself and the more I open up to HD the more clear this will all become. Her theory is, JFK will either realize he wants this because I am actual perfect for him. OR he will let me go and I will continue to fall for HD.
I just hate that I know what I want, but I cannot have it. It's like being upgraded to First Class and you have to take it but by taking it, you don't get to sit next to your best friend. I am just waiting to see if the Hot Doctor I met in First Class will be who I continue the vacation with or if after our international flight apart, my best friend just can't wait to explore the world with me. (Now that is a good analogy, BOOM!)
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this was right or healthy and it is obviously only possible if the man is on the same page but I really didn't let this relationship come to a screeching halt.
JFK chose to cut out the physical part of dating with only one real notable slip up but everything else stayed the same. He treats me exactly the way he did when we were dating, in fact he is a little better. We spend the same amount of time together, having at least one dinner and drinks date night a week. He sees my daughter and my friends when it works in with his schedule and he calls me every day. We talk multiple times a day and he never doesn't call me back. I am not frustrated because he goes off the grid, he just doesn't really do it as much.
He isn't dating anyone else, at least not that he admits and honestly with the amount of his spare time he spends on me, I tend to believe him. BUT we are not together and we haven't been since November.
Fast forward to March, we spend St. Patrick's Day together and a few things are changing in my life. I am moving into a new fantastic house, I have an amazing job and I have started dating someone else. JFK and I are successfully doing what we set out to do, remain friends.
Just a few little things about this "friendship" are giving me cause to write. I have some mixed emotions I need to get out into the world because I am in a real weird place. I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
You see the problem. We have gotten even closer, we are even better friends than we were. We cut out the physical but we didn't back off on the emotional at all and he sees that too. I have put this boy through more, 'Why aren't we dating?' conversations than any sane man could possibly stand. We have had tearful screaming fights and I have lashed out with anger at him on several occasions but he stayed. He always initiated the apology or offered a humerus voicemail to cut the tension and get us back on track. He never has never given up on wanting me in his life but he insists we are just friends.
Everyone I know, can see that he loves me too. Everyone knows he is young and scared but strangely committed even though he is pushing me to move on, he is encouraging me to start dating which I have reluctantly started to do...
Enter, Hot Doctor. That's right... I met someone and it was like the Universe smacked me in the face and said, here maybe this will help.
I have gone on the occasional date, no more than 2 with a single given guy. I met a hottie on a Girls Ski Trip in Park City, Utah and played boyfriend/girlfriend with him for 3 days but that's it... I was still just pseudo dating JFK and we were having a great time (most of the time).
Then, my childhood best friend Liv comes in town for a quick visit. We hit up a new bar my favorite bartender has just opened, I was actually there with JFK two days earlier. In walks an attractive man who at an 80% empty bar on a Wednesday night sits next to me and introduces himself. We proceed to chat for 4 hours and then he asks for my phone number. I give it to him, not sure if anything will come of this he gives me a polite hug and a peck on the cheek before leaving.
His stats are impressive: 33, never married, no kids. He has moved to Tulsa for his Cardiology Fellowship. That's right this hot guy who hit on me at a bar is a real live single cardiologist. Let that sink in for a second, first off, I didn't know single hot doctors existed outside of prime time TV dramas. Secondly, if this mystical creature does in fact exist they are not interested in me. I am WILD.
I will give myself some credit, since I began this blog in early 2011 I have taken my train wreck of a life and made something of myself. I am in a successful career I have had for over 2 years. I have dated one attractive, successful, respectful man (JFK) for about a year (if you count all the time he didn't realize we were dating). I reached some personal goals too: I bought a new car in 2011, I moved into a cute house and am on the verge of moving into an even nicer house. I am a better mother, in better shape (down 20+ lbs) and I am emotionally the most stable I have ever been. All that being said, I still spend too much money, I just thankfully make more and I drink too much which leads to hilarious antics at some of my favorite watering holes. You can see where a single mother with a sub par credit score and an affinity for boozing might not be the quintessential future wife of a cardiologist.
When he called the very next day and asked me out for Saturday Night, I couldn't say no. I would be an idiot to say no to a date with Hot Doctor.
The date went great, the whole month of dating is going great. He seems to really like me. He seems genuinely interested in most everything I say. He is polite and affectionate. He is passionate and caring. Gorgeous and utterly brilliant. He is a total catch. I am kind of the luckiest girl on the planet that my best friend planned a last minute visit which rearranged my schedule so I could go out with her but then those plans got cancelled so I had to improvise which led us to a casual bar where a Hot Doctor approached me.
The problem is JFK, since he is my best friend and everyone knows the best relationships are with your best friends. He and I have analyzed his fear of commitment and it finally made since in a matter of fact conversation on St. Patrick's Day. He didn't say anything he hadn't said 100 times before but this time it sunk in... "I know where this relationship leads, I know what happens if we start dating again, even casually. It eventually gets serious and I am not ready for that. I am not going to be ready for that, not in like a couple years, I may not be ready for that in like 10 years and I don't want to waste your time. I am wasting your time."
It makes since, in 10 years he could easily marry me and want to have a family... I will be 40 and I don't want to be starting my life with someone who wants and deserves children at 40. If babies are in my future, they are in the next 5 years. I know too much medically to be comfortable having children later in life, even if you can, I do not believe you necessarily should. Besides, I'd rather not be 60 with a teenager and a 40 year old daughter.
In our more recent conversations he has said stuff like, "You and HD are just a better fit." He has inquired as to why and how I can still be stuck on him even a little bit when I have "traded up" so significantly. I answered him honestly,"You are my best friend, I have always wanted to marry my best friend and I can tell you in my 15 years of dating and relationship experience, NO ONE has ever gotten me like you get me." He laughed and agreed with all of it. I get him in the same manner and I am his best friend too.
So, my bestie girl friend watching this saga unfold thinks the more space I put between JFK and myself and the more I open up to HD the more clear this will all become. Her theory is, JFK will either realize he wants this because I am actual perfect for him. OR he will let me go and I will continue to fall for HD.
I just hate that I know what I want, but I cannot have it. It's like being upgraded to First Class and you have to take it but by taking it, you don't get to sit next to your best friend. I am just waiting to see if the Hot Doctor I met in First Class will be who I continue the vacation with or if after our international flight apart, my best friend just can't wait to explore the world with me. (Now that is a good analogy, BOOM!)
Friday, November 2, 2012
Day 4 and 5: No Really, It's Over
I AM TERRIBLE AT THIS... I am terrible at not talking to JFK. In the last 4 days I have talked to him multiple times each day. Some times there is an underlying break conversation and some times it is just our daily BS. He still seems to be sticking to his guns that we are over and I am just kind of acting like we are not.
When I think back over all I accomplished emotionally before JFK and I dated, I remember vowing something like this would not happen. I would not cling to a relationship with someone who no longer wanted it. I am doing that... I am refusing to let go. I think it is sufficient to say that every day you keep holding on to this you lose it just a little bit more. Every day I try and bring it back to where it was I push him further away but in the moment that short term contact is so fulfilling.
Yesterday, I called him after a long day of meetings and some frustration towards an account I want badly but may not be getting. He asked what was up and I said well when I called you earlier it was sort of to vent but I think I have calmed down. Without missing a beat he said, "You know those accounts that tell you it will be 6 months or a year, maybe longer? That is ok, because in 6 months or a year, we are still going to need to eat, we are still going to have bills to pay. That account will still be good then." I was kind of astonished, I didn't even tell him what I was so frustrated about and I asked where that little nugget of wisdom came from. He told me it was a speaker at his office and he said "when I heard it I thought, Sunshine, needs to hear this."
He was right I needed to hear that and to talk about how rough it is to have a loss even if it isn't forever and the potential gain long term is even greater. It is hard to be patient when in my line of work we are so focused on what is happening right now.
This little chat made me happy to still have him in my life and sad that he is no longer playing the role of boyfriend. Today I need to regain control of this situation. I need to make the actual effort to stop. Today I stop taking short term satisfaction at the price of long term happiness. I know I will still want him as a person in my life in 6 months or a year but I need to take the time to heal so I am satisfied with him as just a friend.
I am not there yet, you know where else I am not? I am not ready for anybody else. I am a pretty cool chick and so the fact that the man friends are already coming out of the woodwork should be flattering. Break Up on Sunday and the requests for my company have rolled in by Thursday.
I am not ready for that at all... I am not ready to hang out with anyone who sees me as a potential relationship. I want some girl time and some time to bitch about my loss talk about how much more I deserve and move forward. Weekends partying with a guy who wants to get in my pants or dinner dates with someone who has always wanted a chance at something more, are not appealing at all. Flattering yes, actionable no.
I want to give JFK his space and for him to come back realizing how big of an idiot he is.... If that is still my primary dream. I am not ready for any one else.
When I think back over all I accomplished emotionally before JFK and I dated, I remember vowing something like this would not happen. I would not cling to a relationship with someone who no longer wanted it. I am doing that... I am refusing to let go. I think it is sufficient to say that every day you keep holding on to this you lose it just a little bit more. Every day I try and bring it back to where it was I push him further away but in the moment that short term contact is so fulfilling.
Yesterday, I called him after a long day of meetings and some frustration towards an account I want badly but may not be getting. He asked what was up and I said well when I called you earlier it was sort of to vent but I think I have calmed down. Without missing a beat he said, "You know those accounts that tell you it will be 6 months or a year, maybe longer? That is ok, because in 6 months or a year, we are still going to need to eat, we are still going to have bills to pay. That account will still be good then." I was kind of astonished, I didn't even tell him what I was so frustrated about and I asked where that little nugget of wisdom came from. He told me it was a speaker at his office and he said "when I heard it I thought, Sunshine, needs to hear this."
He was right I needed to hear that and to talk about how rough it is to have a loss even if it isn't forever and the potential gain long term is even greater. It is hard to be patient when in my line of work we are so focused on what is happening right now.
This little chat made me happy to still have him in my life and sad that he is no longer playing the role of boyfriend. Today I need to regain control of this situation. I need to make the actual effort to stop. Today I stop taking short term satisfaction at the price of long term happiness. I know I will still want him as a person in my life in 6 months or a year but I need to take the time to heal so I am satisfied with him as just a friend.
I am not there yet, you know where else I am not? I am not ready for anybody else. I am a pretty cool chick and so the fact that the man friends are already coming out of the woodwork should be flattering. Break Up on Sunday and the requests for my company have rolled in by Thursday.
I am not ready for that at all... I am not ready to hang out with anyone who sees me as a potential relationship. I want some girl time and some time to bitch about my loss talk about how much more I deserve and move forward. Weekends partying with a guy who wants to get in my pants or dinner dates with someone who has always wanted a chance at something more, are not appealing at all. Flattering yes, actionable no.
I want to give JFK his space and for him to come back realizing how big of an idiot he is.... If that is still my primary dream. I am not ready for any one else.
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