My Weighted Blanket

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT MY DAY... As always, I gotta catch you up before I get to the story part. New boyfriend, who dis... yup. Record time. I don’t even get embarrassed about my turnaround on who I’m dating any more. And that’s not the point of this post; we can get into that later. 

New man - Mr. Handyman - I’ve had that name picked out since we started talking... He is pretty much the man of my dreams and today solidified that in my mind. 

Mr. Handyman has an ex wife a lot like my 2nd husband. A Kardashian marriage. The whole relationship to engagement and marriage couldn’t have been two whole years. The marriage was over before the 1st anniversary and she was banging his business partner and friends throughout it all. So to say that I understand this, that’s an understatement: I lived this. 

Just like my ex, the divorce is going to be longer than the marriage was and it all has to do with assets. But it’s over and I can say that confidently and break my “never date a man going through a divorce” rule because he literally signed a court document that said he will never have his children around her. I mean it’s over when you would have to give up your kids for a crazy person... but I digress. 

TODAY! We were at the car dealership. He needs a new truck for work so we found a super nice gmc for him. While we were looking he said, I wish Chucks mistress would let me refi the 2018 Ford F-250 platinum. She is threatening to file bankruptcy and that would be so much easier. So I said honestly, you should ask her. 

So he texts and one million text responses come in about anything but the truck and if that’s an option. Him to take the debt over and leave her off of it. Nope. She wants to be sure he knows how he will never love anyone like her and blah blah how great she is and just normal narcissistic cheater/victim mentality vitriol. 

I HATE THIS. I know it’s way over. I know in a divorce the most patient person wins. I’m the one coaching him never to settle. But I HATE THIS! I know his kids are his world. I know he regrets the damage done to his Co parenting relationship with their mom. Like he’s not looking back. He wasn’t looking for me but he isn’t going back to her. Just ask the judge who signed off on the aforementioned custody agreement. 

Regardless of how confident I am in that being in his past - those calls still give me anxiety. Chucks mistress refuses to answer the truck question via text and made him call. So he did and after a few minutes of trying to get a straight answer she finally told him to buy a new truck. 

He returns to me and I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I encouraged the communication. I AM A BALL OF ANXIETY. Lump in my throat, racing heart rate, tears behind my eyes, and I could have vomited on command. This new man reads me well and he picks up on this immediately. 

Ok, so we gotta back up one more time... last weekend we went to Napa for a romantic weekend. You know, ridiculous second dates are my thing. In Napa one morning laying in bed, I’m all anxious again. I was tossing and turning and I couldn’t get comfortable. I was laying on my stomach and he rolls on top of me. All his body weight on mine. He lets his weight go dead and just smashes me. He did this for probably 10 mins and I basically fell back asleep. 

Later in the day I explained that, that physical contact has some science behind it. That the brain releases chemicals that are calming like a really intense hug. It’s the reason weighted blankets are all the rage. If you are anxiety prone. Knowing this is a game changer. 

So back to today, I’m a ball of stress, fear, anxiety and the story I’m telling myself is a whirlwind of illogical bullshit that is just furthering my frustration with his talk with chucks mistress. 

He grabs me tight and hugs me hard, whispering in my ear: “I’m going to lay you down on that table right there and climb on top of you and just smash you. I think people may stare but when I tell them this is what I do to calm you down when you get all fidgety and anxious, it’ll be ok. I just need to smush you” In that moment I almost cried - he loves me so well. 

But he’s right, when I get in my head and can’t control the story I’m telling myself - I need him to weigh me down and ground me. smash me.  

I got a weighted blanket for Christmas and we call it stunt double Dave (his name... gasp) because he is better than being my person or my lobster - this man is my weighted blanket!!! 

It Wasn't Him....

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.... I have a tendency to use that phrase to justify some crazy sh*t. Like that time I met a guy on Bumble talked to him for 30 days, was sooooo excited to meet him. Flew to Greece, spent 12 days running around the islands of Croatia and came home - not nearly as excited as I was when we were just FaceTiming every day. 

You really get to know a person when you are traveling in a foreign country with over packed bags. It went from excitement and romantic - to me backing wayyyy off by like the 3rd day. We came home and I thought we might spend some time together, see if we could make things work but we just never quite got back in sync. 

No matter how much talking and trying it was just too hard. It wasn't the easy fun relationship I had hoped for and the man that was all "life is what you make it," full of positivity, he wasn't really that person. It was petty fights, and no real communication afterward. I was talked over, mansplained, and outright ignored and then expected to act like nothing had happened. 

I think my emotional maturity, my ability to communicate, the level of respect I require. We didn't align. He didn't have kids and he didn't really gel with my girl. I don't think he is a bad person and I would never ask him to change. He just wasn't my person. He wasn't what I thought I was getting and I am sure in some ways I wasn't what he thought either. 

We made a 4 month run at a relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I know he is hurting. I know he misses me. I know he isn't wanting to get back out there. I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy but I just knew it wasn't going to work anymore. We are in different places, with different goals. We have very different personalities and no matter how hard we tried, it really was better off with us just moving forward on our own. 

So whenever a relationship ends I like to reflect on it. Find the lessons, enjoy the good moments. Think of him fondly, send him light and love, respect the path we walked together and keep moving. 

I had some personal changes during my season with the  World Traveller. I made a massive career change right at the beginning. I left a position at a company I had been with for years. I hadn't felt stable there for probably 18 months or so, I hadn't been compensated in what I would deem as the most fair for landing them a monster piece of business. It was always "what have you done for me lately" and I was drained. I wasn't serving my customers well. I wasn't serving myself. It was very much like that meme that references you being replaced upon your death without a hiccup by big corporations and not killing yourself for "the Man" because it isn't worth it. Also, I heard a speaker I admire say, she had never met a really happy person that was miserable in their career. There is too much of your life spent working to hate what you do. So I left. I took on a new opportunity and I have never looked back. 

My new job isn't the point here - the point is that change. Removing that instability. Finding something to feel really content doing - well it kind of changed my thinking about a lot of things. For one, I reflected on the last year. The fear of not having a life partner or a safety net. The fear of providing all on my own for my kid. The fear of the unknown. All of that was really really terrifying. But a year later - I survived. I made some changes, I learned to trust myself again. I got back into the swing of really living for myself and I decided that a relationship for the sake of just having someone there was not what I wanted. I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I finally felt like I was in a position not to settle. 

So I took a good look at what I wanted in the next one and for the first time in a long time, I came back to God. I have been doing this my way for a long time and it has not been working. So this time, I want a spiritual leader, I want a Godly man. I want someone who knows who they are in the Lord, that is seeking him out. That is held accountable to his actions by a power much greater than me... than what I have to offer. I want a man seeking God first. 

I have settled for "spiritual" or a believer that isn't feeding his soul every day, or every week. That isn't make that relationship a priority. I think it took my 20 years almost exactly to figure out that I was never going to make it without trusting God and seeking him myself. 

See this new little job of mine has some pretty amazing clients. We are in the Faith Based Media sector for a lot of it. So coming back to my roots, coming back to the heart of worship, the prodigal child returning - so to speak. It is changing me. I can feel it changing me. Reading a verse and reflecting on all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. It is inspiring me. I am remembering how I really want to live. A life full of love and joy. 

So the next man I let into my life, into my heart and invest a piece of my soul in - that man is going to be seeking God first. 

So, I Dated A Sex Addict...

I USUALLY HAVE A TITLE IN MIND WHEN I START WRITING. My blog posts kind flow out of me. It's like telling a story to a good friend but this one feels different. It is time to tell the story of my abuse. Of years of lies and heartbreak. I need to share my story because I know I am not the only one. 

It has been almost a year since I finally forced Picasso out of my life. The relationship lasted for three years but should have been over in the first two months. I was broken. I met Picasso online September 30, 2015. You might remember my husband left me over 4th of July for his office assistant he had been having an affair with for the majority of our marriage. I was going through a nasty divorce. Broken doesn't begin to describe what I was dealing with on the heels of him wrecking our lives. That is a story for another day...

Picasso was so adamant to meet me, he wanted me to come see him that day. I don't even know why I opened his message because he didn't have a picture. He said it was because he was from a small town and owned a business. I agreed to lunch in Stillwater the next day and we began talking non stop. 

He sounded so perfect, he told me he had gone through a long divorce, from his wife of 13 years. That he gave up his horse farm, house and most other things to keep his business in tact. His ex wife was "crazy" and still wanted him back. He had an ex girlfriend that he was friends with, that use to work for him but they rarely spoke now. He was country and his daughter was a senior so his plan was to move back to grand lake where he was from when she graduated, so the long distance thing could be for a year. 

Two months into this on a Sunday night after a weekend together, I had his phone in my hand and a text message from Lewis, comes up. I open it, and see that Lewis is clearly a woman, that he is lying to, that he is dating and telling her he is working when he is in town with me. I proceed to kick him out of my house. 

But he is smooth and I was broken, he explains that it has been over, he doesn't know how to get away. He does care for her but doesn't see a future and he wants me. He picks me. She contacts me, she is devastated. She wanted to know how we met, she assumed it was online, she was right. I didn't tell her that but she was right. She warns me of what I am getting into and for the next couple of years would be a staple in my life. While he went back and forth between us. Mostly without me ever knowing. 

That was the first incident. I started getting messages from his ex wife and her friends, they were pretty nice at first - you seem like you have your life together, keep your daughter away from this man. You have no idea what you are getting into, never put all your eggs in his basket. 

Then the ones from women he was currently seeing started to come in, "Are you dating Picasso?" When I would respond with yes I would be sent their text messages. Fake Facebook profiles were created to send me info about where he was and who he was with. All of this he explained away by his crazy ex wife just wanting to ruin his life. 

The women were a problem but somehow he convinced me it wasn't true, over and over, it wasn't true. But then the alcohol became the bigger problem. He said he never drank but he seemed to drink until he passed out every single night. Bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon. 

He got drunk one night and we started arguing. I went to get my things out of his room, he blocked the door, still yelling. I started crying, where would I go. I was in Arkansas City, KS I literally knew no one. His daughter was at college. We had been drinking, where do I go. The fight escalates. He climbs on top of me wraps his hands around my neck and his eyes were dark and full of rage. I am smacking at his face, he snaps out of it and lets me up. Still trapped in this town, not able to drive home. I pack up my things, and cry on the couch until morning. I drove myself home and the apologies begin. 

It isn't me, you know I wouldn't hurt you, I am sorry, I will stop drinking like that, I am so sorry, I love you. You are my world. Please let me see you. 

This had happened another time, in the summer of 2016 at my house he accidentally elbowed me in the face in an argument by his truck. Then threw me up against my car, screaming he would kill me and holding the back of my neck. He left, we ended things and dated other people. He called and begged me to see him for months, I finally caved. 

Things seemed to be getting better, he was working in Tulsa more, so we decided to get a house that was more comfortable for all of us. We moved in what we be "ours" in May of 2017. 

August of 2017 we have our final physical altercation. Tuesday night, he gets drunk at the cigar box comes home, is on his phone, gets mad we start arguing. He started throwing things at me. First pillows, then whatever he can find, rips a painting that is hanging above the bed, puts two holes in the walls, and then takes the dresser drawer full of his clothes and chunks it at me, it shatters on me and the dresser legs. 

I know how this goes. I warned him, if he didn't calm down I would call the police. I know not to let him near me. It was escalating, I just called. I walked outside he is screaming he will kill me, the dispatcher has it all recorded. I wait for the cops. They take him away. 

One of the major fights was about where his cell phone was, I had no idea. I literally didn't, he was on it and then he put it somewhere. I went through the house with the officer and I swore up and down he was drunk and he had it somewhere but I hadn't touched his phone. 

When he left I took my phone and called his until I finally found it. Hidden behind the nightstand. I opened it up, we always had each others passcode and as a show of trust, I was always allowed in his phone. After the other women stuff, it was the least he could do.This time there was an icon on his screen I did not recognize. Yahoo

In an email from an unidentified stranger, I had been told about an email address he stores all his hookups and prostitutes on, I never believed it but in this moment, I knew it was true. I open the app - and there it was 10 years of photos and videos of women. Notifications from an app Seeking Arrangements about messages. I download the app, log into it with the email, 100s of messages, using the name Aaron Waters, different career lies, pharmaceutical sales rep, horse ranch owner, all kinds of things. Picasso is in jail for the night and I am uncovering a world I could never imagine. 

In one hour the morning this all happened he responded to or sent 120 messages to women on the Seeking Arrangement website. I saw cash app receipts, venmo messages, he was paying for pictures and sex with strangers. He had photos of the women, in his bed, while he was having sex with them. I can still vividly remember the tattoos under one of their breasts and his dick inside her, while he snapped a photo of her and she covered her face. That cost $50 apparently. There was a fake number they would use, it was an app he paid for as well. All of these things he would delete off his phone systematically when he was home with me. So if I picked it up he was never at risk. They didn't have his real name, his real number or know anything about him. 

I was up all night, and all day researching trying to understand. 120 messages in an hour begging for introductions, pictures, conversations, meet ups - this was a sickness. This is an addiction. The pictures and emails went back a decade. A full blown 10 years of this behavior. It obviously is what ruined his marriage, even if she never knew it. Threesomes, with the girlfriend that worked for him that he apparently left his wife for. It was all there. 

I kicked him out, he stayed in a hotel. I wanted him gone. 

He begged, he pleaded. We had a life together, a house, building a business for him here. I was his family now, he loved our daughters together. He was so sorry. He will get help. It is a disease. 

I know just enough psychology to be dangerous. He was right, this was an addiction. He had literally rewired his brain to need this sexual deviancy to feel pleasure. Regular sex didn't do it for him the way random sex did. The need to have many women wanting him, some of them thought they could date him, and they didn't even know his real name. 

He begs me to see a counselor with him, he finds one that specializes in sex addiction and recovery. I agree. 

We go and I am head first diving into his trauma, his inability to create true intimacy, his lies, he childhood, his addiction. We set a plan: one year, therapy, Sex Addict Anonymous  Group for him, both seeing therapists, couples counseling and he agrees to lie detector tests. 

My therapist and I sit down and in our first meeting she asks me obvious questions. I am young, attractive, successful, with my whole life together, why save this. All I can muster is I love him, I see the illness side of this and I am hoping he can get help. She says a few other important things to me this day. Lets not worry about getting him help, lets help you, so that in a year, if this isn't working you are all whole and healed and ready to move on. We will focus on you, your patterns, what you need to work on, and the PTSD because I was dealing with some massive PTSD after all of this. 

FIFTEEN MONTHS go by, some good some rocky. About every 60 days, I kick him out for a day or two because he isn't going to counseling, or group, and he still hasn't taken the lie detector. In this time, I had created some really healthy boundaries for myself. Because I was not suppose to trust someone who kept hurting me and not doing what they said. I had outlined what would make me walk away and never look back. Written it down. Told him. 

OSU homecoming weekend - end of October 2018. Such a good weekend, I had family Christmas photos scheduled at the Christmas Tree Farm. His daughter was coming home to have dinner and take pictures with us. Everyone was excited. On the drive from Stillwater to Tulsa, I get a message. Rayna- Are you Picassos girlfriend? 

By girlfriend, if you mean live in life partner, that works with him in business, and raises our kids together, joint bank accounts, and a whole life recognized as a marriage by most who know us, yes - I am his GIRLFRIEND. 

I turn to him, having been here before and I ask who she is... He makes up some story. I tell him to listen to me very carefully: If you lie to me now, we are over. If you do not have the decency to tell me to my face what I am about to see, we are over. You have one shot here. One chance and it is the truth. Tell me the truth. You know what she is about to send me. You know what she is going to say and what you have done/said to her. Tell me to my face, don't let this woman be the one to tell me. Man up. 

Lies.

I get the screenshots of their most recent messages. He offered to fly her for the weekend to Louisville where he had been on a project. Where I had just been with him for a weekend. He told her he wanted to be with her, that he loved her. 

Remember those boundaries I had created that I would walk away, they were pretty lean. I would have worked through anything but two things: him lying to my face when confronted in a situation just like this, and if he ever told another woman he loved her. 

I love you is sacred. If he can rattle off I love you to every literal hooker that was getting money out of him to send him pictures or keep his secrets then what does I love you mean, when he says it to me. If you love her, you do NOT love me. 

After a tense drive, we pull into the driveway, I tell him to grab a bag and what he needs for the night and leave, do not make a scene. My parents were swinging by with Maddie and props for our Christmas Photos scheduled for 2 hours from now. I call his 20 year old daughter and give her a very abridged version of why we would not be taking photos together and that he was moving out. She understood. 

That was the end. I never looked back. I  didn't cry or shed a single pound in the break up diet. It was done. It was a relief. It was 15 months of hell and fear of messages, and strange calls. It was 3 years of manipulation, it was physical abuse, it was mental abuse. It was being told "I didn't actually deserve a good guy" that I got him because he was the best I could do. It was him stripping me of my security, my sexuality, our intimacy and me hating myself for it. Hating what I had become. The person that put up with all of it, the idiot that wasted 3 years of my life. I still get mad. I still want to reach out and tell him what kind of a monster he is... But I have to believe he knows what he lost. I have to realize his demons didn't disappear because I was gone. He is not a changed person. I was not the problem. The years of sexual addiction stared a decade before I ever met him. It was probably a lifetime of this behavior in one facet or another. I can't own it. I have to forgive myself for the time wasted, the lessons I learned the hard way. I had to let go and move on.... 

But if you are dealing with this, with any of this. You aren't alone. You don't have to live it behind closed doors and put on the happy face. You don't have to find happiness in escaping your life by traveling or shopping or whatever else gives you instant gratification. You don't have to ignore what he is doing to keep your life together. I thank God that he finally made me see what I didn't want to face. That he forced me to understand my reality and on a day where I had to take pictures with just my daughter to document the moment forever. The day I finally forced the toxic man out of my life for good, is embodied in the most perfect mother daughter photos I have ever taken. 

Be strong. You are loved. You are worthy. It is not your fault.

I've Met HIM, I Have Really Met Him, Well... I Haven't Actually Met Him Yet.

I PROBABLY OWE YOU SOME CLOSURE on the Fireman... Turns out, not the love of my life. But it was an eye opening few weeks. He is a good one. One of the very few good ones and I think I placed so much emphasis on how important that is for me moving forward in relationships that I forgot, we should probably be compatible too. 

Well we aren't. He was all netflix and chill, dinners in, working out, and a three beer max. I think we would have continued having fun doing things we both enjoyed. But long term, it wasn't there. He knew it. I knew it but would have let it drag on longer but it was never going to work. I am A LOT for someone. A whole heck of a lot. I like to go, go, go. You gotta keep up.... He will be a good friend some day. 

So back into the world of online dating I went. Swiping right, getting matches, witty banter, see what sticks, who jumps out, and there he was... my newest interest. 

I almost missed it. I had gone on a few dates with someone else, nice guy. Not sure how I felt about him... He was still online, so I was too.

But I read this and it stops me:

46/Travel Director/Meeting Planner at Self Employed. Traveler, Love the mountains as much as the ocean. 6'3". Ex-College football player. Country boy from the farm, working in a business world... Work takes me around the world. Home base is Tulsa. 

I messaged him, boldly: I am so interested in getting to know you! Travelling country boy in the business world. Sign me up! LOL

All I got back was a hi. 

So I said Hey...

"Not sure where to begin. So I will tell you about me. I'm Sunshine. I have a 16 year old daughter and since she'll be off to college in two short years I probably ought to get back out there or start buying cats."

The back and forth begins both of us taking time between the other, certainly texting a handful of people. I guess I waited a while and got a "something I said" message. Which honestly I had just gotten busy. But we got into a convo about work and from there it just kept going. 

This man has me thinking. The more we talk, the more questions I ask the more boxes he checks. The more I stalk his social media and I am exposed to his character the more boxes he is checking. 

So I decided I needed to write it down. What do I want? What is my ideal man. The man of my dreams. I have made this list in my head a million times, it has evolved over time with my life experiences, and I tick through it every time I meet someone new, it's crazy how detailed I am but I feel like I will find him. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MAN: 

I am in love with the country. I want a little piece of land with a porch swing and the stars. I want a man with some working man hands. I'm not specific, I don't need a cowboy but if he understands, bull riding and horse training, cattle, wants to hunt, fish, camp, load his big truck bed full of pillows and take me under the stars in the middle of no where - listens to country love songs and makes me feel like he is a strong steadfast, grounded man of moral and value... I am IN. I want a country man.

BUT I WANT MORE... I want a business man, that knows his way around clients. Customer events, is polished, educated, outgoing, confident, and well rounded enough to carry on a conversation with a super nerdy IT guy. Someone with ambition and drive. That wears a suit and can command a room. 

I want a passion for travel and adventure, some one that wants to see the world. To experience new cultures, new things and run around with me. That is just as comfortable in a major metropolis as he is on the backside of a mountain with no cell service. 

I want someone with a thirst for knowledge, with goals, with an entrepreneurial spirit. That sees me. That digs in and sees my worth and what I bring to the table and they want that. They want to work with that, I want to build something with someone. A business, a home, a platform. I want to dig in and get dirty with the love of my life and accomplish something. 

I want a big tall, beefy, man. An athletic man. A man that grew up playing sports and understands discipline. I want a man that will push me to be the healthiest version of myself but loves me soft too. I want a man that will watch football, basketball, baseball, golf, the pbr, and the Olympics. That wants to experience and enjoys the competitive nature of sports. If he is tall with a beard that is a bonus too. 

I want a lover of music and the arts. That can listen to every genre and find the beauty in all of it. A love of country music is a must because I need someone to dance me when i need dancing. Two Step me around a country bar or maybe just our kitchen island when we have had too much wine and we feel all in love with each other like it is the very first time. 

I want a man that kisses me and it takes my breath away. That I pause in the moment after because I still feel it. I still feel that between us and I want a man that will never stop kissing me. That kisses my forehead when he leaves for work and I am still in bed. That holds my hand pretty much all the time. That touches my back and introduces me always and is PROUD. Like damn proud that I am his and he is mine. I want the affection. 

And I want the sex. I want passion, I want it all the time. I want us to never give it up. I want to buy sexy panties and I want to send him dirty messages. I want to know I can turn him on, on the other side of the world. I want him to know me. All of me, intimately, and that we become one on a level we have never ever had with anyone else. I want to be open and I want to be consumed. I want to be his. 

I want it all. I want the final love with an imperfect person that can handle, the tears I have just praying and manifesting that he is ON HIS WAY TO ME. That he can handle the ugly. The broken shattered parts of me. The cracks of love past that have made me who I am. The healing I have done and the brokenness, I have experienced. I want a man that can take all of that and be sure without a shadow of a doubt I am secure, I know I am loved, I am his, and he is never giving up what so many others took for granted. I want a love so strong it heals the deepest parts of me I still haven't been able to fix on my own. 

I want this man so much I ache for him. I can't explain it. But I have this desire for this partner, this specific person. That I have never let myself feel before. My life is rapidly changing. My daughter, my anchor, she's getting her wings. The angel baby is about to stop blessing just this house and go bless the whole damn world. AND IT IS TIME. It is time that I look, that I search, that I don't settle for convenient, or easy or most of the man I am describing but I find HIM. The one my soul is seeking. 

I want a man of integrity, of faith. That prays for me. That believes in me. That puts family first. That has a respect for my family but also his own. That wants to fold deeply into my tribe, of people who love me. He also wants me deep within his and I want us to be a strong pillar that our families can always rely upon. 

I want this man to be a force. A gentle giant, a brilliant, sarcastic, hilarious, lover of my soul. That sees me and I am the ONLY one in the room for just a second. I want to take his breath away because this man - this man is everything to me. He lights me up, he sparks my joy, he inspires me to get up and work my ass off to make every single dream come true, not just for us but for everyone we touch. 

I am trying so hard to be patient for you. I think I will know immediately that you are mine. I push and I desire and I worry. But this man, he will get this... He will someday read this and say before you ever met me you knew me. You manifested the love you wanted and I was created.... most likely before I was ever born because I like an older maturity in a man. I believe I am an old soul, and he will be too. 

I just want you now. I want you to be all of this. I want you while Maddie is still home so you can learn to love the most important part of me. So you can have a relationship with her too. So she can fold into us because she is so important. I want you here because I want you to cheer her on as she accomplishes these next few milestones. As we look for colleges, competes at state and nationals in a sport she loves but may not continue, as the first boyfriend crushes her heart, or better yet she breaks his. I want you here for the hard messy stuff. Because I want you to love her like she was your own, and support her like you do me. But also because she deserves to see this. This once in a lifetime, I have waited for you for a thousand years and walked a million miles and made it to the other side to get to you kind of love. That is somehow still simple and somehow so undeniable people literally feel it when they meet us. 

I want her to see that all my mistakes, all the heartbreak, all the exes, were worth getting to you. Becoming the unbreakable, hard ass, that can do it all: buy her car, pay for her pom, take her on trips, make a good living, maintain a gorgeous house, that has gotten up every single time a man has knocked her down. I want her to see you and go damn, that is what its all about. Being someone's person but not because you need them but because your soul deeply desires them. Because I have already a built a full wonderful life on my own. I want her to see there is more than making all your own dreams come true, some one to share it all with is important too. 

I have made a lot of mistakes in relationships, I have chosen a lot of bad guys. I have forgiven far more than I should but I think I finally figured out exactly who you are and I am ready.... I am ready to meet you in some fairy tale way that someday we tell our grand kids. The way my grandparents sat me down and told me how they fell in love and how my grandpa always knew it was her. She married someone else first but it was always her... I want that. I want you. 

So maybe just maybe this tall bald man on the other side of the world will end up being this man. I don't know yet but I am hopeful, we shall see. 

There are tears in my eyes and a rawness in my words, and a hope in my heart. 
If it isn't him, that's ok. I know he is coming. I will find him someday. 

They Call Him The Fireman

I GREW UP IN A FIRE STATION. My dad was class of 1990 joining the Tulsa Fire Department when I was 6 years old. He has 30 years of "Fighting Fires and Saving Lives" come this next February and is considering retirement. 

My dad and I have always had an interesting relationship. We are pretty similar which has led to some pretty major clashes over the years but one thing that has always been consistent is how proud I am to be his #1 baby girl. 

I loved the station as a kid. Heck, I loved it as an adult. I would go weekly if not more to have lunch or dinner with him and the guys. I got in water fights with firefighter, learned to play Texas hold 'em, got to watch HBO because we didn't have it at home growing up. I knew the station phone number by heart from the time he joined and actually recited it accurately this last week. 

Some of my favorite memories and close friends are Fireman. More than one car emergency has been handled by an Engine from a nearby station. Water to my house turned off when a pipe busted, there were even a few that helped me move out of my first husbands house at 22 and into my own apartment. 

The one rule I have always had for myself was I WILL NEVER DATE A FIREMAN. It wasn't because they were bad guys, although I knew a few of them to be less than desirable life partners at moments of their lives. It wasn't that my dad didn't want me to, he has never told me who to date or been overly involved in my love life. I just never wanted him to have to hear about his little girl dating a co worker in the big fraternity that is the Fire Department. 

Well wouldn't you know 30 years in a fire station and saying hi to more firefighters than I can count, I am breaking my own rule. 

I met him at the Farmers Market. It was cute. We started talking, he is from a station downtown. Turns out we had some mutual friends. In fact, one of the aforementioned Firefighters that moved me out of my Fabulous Ex Husbands house at the ripe age of 22 worked closely with him, so I had a way to vet him. 

He knew my dad and told a story of how they had a joke about "back when they were Navy Seals" at the station they both worked at several years back. So I decided to let the conversations continue and check him out. 

The first call was to the mutual friend. He let me know that this was a GOOD GUY. Like a really good guy. I said to him "You know me! I only date assholes!" "What am I going to do with a god guy?" Sadly this was a pretty serious question... To which the response was "You need to date this guy, this is going to be a good change, this will be good for you." So with that advice from a trusted buddy, I decided i was going to see where this went. 

My next convo, had to be with my father. Telling things to my good buddy, is kind of like taking out a billboard and announcing it to all who will listen. So instead of my dear old dad hearing this from anyone else, i figured it would be best to tell him myself. 

"Dad, do you know, the Firefighter?" 
"Well, yes. We both worked at station 23 but I don't know him well, why?..."
"I think I am going to date him."
"I have never told you who you can and cannot date, I am not going to start now. I hear he is a good guy and I just want you to be happy. "

That was easy...

So I am a few weeks in on dating a really good guy and I have to tell you it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. 

Its considerate, he communicates well, he wants me to be healthy and happy. HE rubs my back and kisses my forehead. It isn't all about sex in fact that is even less of a focus for us than with anyone else. Don't get me wrong the attracting is insane and he is incredible. But it's conversations about growing up, raising kids, losing his parents, past relationships, future plans. Goals, dreams. He makes me want to keep a cleaner house, make the bed, get back in shape, drink less, work harder at my career, be better with money, focus on a future and what i contribute instead of what I can gain from my partner. He isn't overcompensating for lies and cheating. He just is who he is and I have never been in anything like this. 

It is a struggle for me to not want to be all in, but for the first time in my life, I want to be patient. I want to let it develop. I want to see how we do with all the first seasons. I am facing some health issues and I don't want to burden him with that, but I also appreciate his support as I navigate through some pretty heavy stuff. 

He is just a good good man. For the first time ever, it isn't presents and trips, fancy dinners and binge drinking. It's baseball games, dinner with my parents, swimming laps for hours, encouraging him as he trains for another Iron Man. Setting goals for myself of mini triathlons. Running and having sore muscles. Weekend nights without wine. Healthy cooking, interesting conversations, and a love of nature and history. He impresses me. He makes me believe I could be happy with a whole lot less. That i spent a lot of time dating narcissistic assholes until I finally found a man that was worth living up to my full potential for because he deserves nothing less. 

I wanted to write today, sitting at the lake while he ran his few miles and biked for 2 hours. Because this is my love. This is what I want in the future, these are my goals to write, share my stories. Let you all know about how I struggled and then how I survived. I wanted to document the beginning because I am so excited about a future with this one. 

But I always am... so as always.... We shall see. 

When I Was In High School

THE POLITICAL LANDSCAPE AND MAINSTREAM MEDIA are unlike anything I have ever seen, ever thought I would see and certainly nothing I ever wanted to experience in my lifetime. 

Currently, a doctor is testifying about sexual assault she experienced in high school by the Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh. It is everywhere and with the access to social media every person you have ever encountered's opinion is at the tip of your fingers. 

I read an article today written by the Huffington Post and Washington Post, quoting a FoxNews Anchor stating the Kavanaugh case has prompted his own daughters to tell him stories from when they were in high school. You can read more about that here. That alone stirred in me so much emotion, so many thoughts and feelings I have pushed aside for decades. The simple phrase " When I was in high school" as related to sexual misconduct wrecks me and today, I will tell you why. 

To be fair, this post is going to have graphic, mature, and sexual content: Consider yourself warned. 

BACK WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL. I transferred from a smaller arts school to a large suburban high school the middle of second semester my junior year. I told my friends and anyone who asks why (even to this day) that is was because my mother remarried and we moved about 30 minutes from my old school. She didn't want me driving across town every day at 16. Seems like a logical enough reason. 

The truth was, she had found out my boyfriend and I were sexually active, and even though I asked to be put on birth control and would have loved to have some open communication about teenage sex, she refused. She took me to a gynecologist as a scare tactic, to humiliate me with a pelvic exam, and STD testing. She called his mother who was the head of our local Planned Parenthood to tell her I would not be allowed around him any more and she yanked me out of the school, away from my friends that I had, had since kindergarten. 

I was raised in the church, and in her mind abstinence was the only option. It was embarrassing for her to know I was no longer a virgin and it was her new mission to "keep me safe." She was doing what she thought was best. In hindsight, I imagine she would handle the situation entirely different. This experience shaped me, how I raise my own daughter, and gave me a whole hell of a lot to rebel against moving forward through my senior year. 

That is just the back story... It is important to know, so you can see how we got here. 

Eventually, my first love broke my heart. He got sick of lying and sneaking around, never being able to see me, and he moved on. He started seeing someone else and that was it. I truly did love the boy that I lost my virginity to, he was the first boy that ever made me feel beautiful. He had seen more of the world than me, was respected by his parents and had more freedom. He was a little bit bad boy, wicked smart, tall and I thought he was absolutely amazing. I don't regret my decision one bit, to this day. 

But with him gone, and my new found sexual experience, I began to date. I viewed sex as something you eventually did with a boyfriend. The timeline depended mostly on the boys experience level, and when he tried to take it there. I dated some really wonderful guys that barely kissed me, let alone tried to sleep with me, and I spent time with some guys who's only goal was to see how fast I would give it up. This story is about the later. 

BACK WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL, at a new school with just a few people I knew from church and that were friends with my step-brother. I was searching for my place. There was this guy and I had known him through our youth group before I ever went to school with him. I had a little crush on him as a middle schooler at church. We were the same grade, both seniors, he was only at school half the day. He was popular. He through parties, his parents had money and traveled a lot. He was a bad boy. He drank, smoked, partied, hooked up with hot girls, and did what he wanted without much regard for authority. 

As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, one day, he set his sites on me. The first time we hung out, he was sweet and flirty. Cuddled up with me and watched a movie. He kissed me, but didn't try anything more. We talked on the phone a lot, he asked about making Valentine's Day plans. Told me he liked me, and so on...

The next time he asked me to come over it was late, I was already in for the night but he was insistent that I come see him. His parents were out of town, he had a few friends over and wanted to see me. So, I snuck out of my house and went over to his. Of course, sneaking out and going to a boy's is never a good idea but what happened next was something I never even imagined. 

When I got to his house, he took me up to his room. I didn't see anyone else but I could hear a TV on in what was a game room upstairs. He said his buddies were in there watching a movie but he just wanted to see me. He turned all the lights on and had me lay with him on the bed, we started kissing, and he was really wanting things to move further. 

I remember asking him to turn the lights off, and he said no, he wanted them on - he wanted to see me. So I went along with it. I wasn't one to push back too much, this hot popular guy was really into me, we had been talking a lot and in my mind we were starting to date. He kept pushing forward, taking off my clothes, but as luck would have it I was on my period (Man! I am so thankful for that now). 

I will never forget the disappointment in his face when I told him we couldn't do anything other than kiss and I was on my period. But he was crafty, he had a plan... 

Now, I pause here to say in my mind I truly believed most of my peers were having sex. I also thought there were two types of girls, those who have sex and those who do everything else. Personally, I had very limited experience in the oral arena. It wasn't something I was comfortable with happening to me, and it wasn't something I wanted to do for a guy. It was not in my comfort zone of quickie missionary style teenage sex. 

But my period was a problem for this boy, because he had already talked a big game to his buddies, and he had something to prove. So my period turned into "we can do other things". He decided he would be ok with a blow job, but I was not in on that. I remember telling him I didn't really do that, and there was no way he could "finish" without warning me, because frankly semen grossed me out. So with bright lights on, he climbed on top of me, told me to push my breasts together he would titty f- me instead. 

Writing this now, I remember the nausea I felt, I wasn't into this at all but I didn't know how to stop it without him completely hating me. So I went along with it. He got low on my chest and as I was laying there he ran his penis between my breasts and the tip would touch my lips. He did this over and over, satisfying himself pushing the tip of his penis further into my mouth. I had made it very clear I did not want him to finish in my mouth. But this went on for several minutes until I felt his semen hit my face. I tried to push him back but he held me down, as he finished all over my face and chest. 

I got up disgusted, actually gagging, and he was laughing so hard. He thought it was so funny. I asked for a towel, he said no. I asked to take a shower, he said no. But he turned on the bathtub in his adjoining bathroom and cleaned himself up while laughing. When he finished, I walked over washed semen off my chest and face bent over his bathtub, and put my bra and top back on. 

He was so satisfied with what he had done. He basically asked me to leave, because it was late, told me since he had ejaculated in my mouth he didn't want to kiss me but would call me later. 

I was mortified. 

I drove home at god only knows what time in the morning, 3 or 4am. Went upstairs and took a shower, and went to bed. 

Sadly, this story gets worse... It was February 2001 and although cell phones were commonplace, camera phones were not yet invented. A week or so, goes by and I don't hear from him or even give it much of a thought, I was pretty relieved. I didn't want to hear from him. But one day in math class a friend of mine with the same first name asked me if I was dating him. 

Confused, since they didn't run in any of the same circles, I said we had talked a little but no we weren't dating, why? He said well strangely enough someone asked me about you and I today and a video of us having sex. I told them it wasn't me, and that i didn't think you were dating the other "Brian" but they were really upset and insisted there was a video of you having sex.  

Cue major teenage holy shit embarrassment. I assure this "Brian" from math class that I am not dating the other one, and that I never had sex with him. BECAUSE I DIDN'T! Thank God, but all of a sudden my mind is racing. 

A video, Oh. My. God. He insisted the lights were on!!! Did he actually set up a camera and video us? He was messing with something on his tall nightstand at one point. He might have. He has a video of me. I am dead. 

I ask nice "Brian" if he knows how many people have heard about this, and at that point it was hard for him not to tell me that it was all over school. The school of several thousand was buzzing with how this boy made a sex tape of me. 

I call him, I confront him. He denies it, says he doesn't know what I am talking about. I later hear from my almost equally as embarrassed step brother, that one of the guys that was there told him he did something wrong and put the tape in backwards so it didn't record. But Yes, he was trying to video me, so they could all watch it later. 

This version of trying and failing to record me, made my story- that it NEVER EVER HAPPENED a little more believable. I was denying that I even remotely new the guy at this point. Trying to paint this as a big, ugly, unsubstantiated rumor. Making it sound so absurd it couldn't possibly have happened or almost happen. I mean right, who is dumb enough to not see a camera and who can't put a simple tape into a video camera.  But as we all know, there is a little bit of truth behind every rumor and I was one stupid teenage boy away from this "rumor" being mostly true.  

My heartbreaks for my 17 year old self wanting so desperately to fit in, be wanted, have a boyfriend, soaking up new attention, at a new school. The tears on my checks now are the same as when I first dealt with the shame and embarrassment of everyone knowing I was intimately involved with someone who tried to videotape it. I was slut shamed, and he got some high fives from his buddies and some threats from a few good men who knew he was in the wrong. 

I'd like to tell you how I am a survivor, but really I blamed myself for putting myself in that situation just as I thought my mother would if she had ever found out. It was after all, my fault for sneaking out, I let him take off my shirt, I didn't say no when I was uncomfortable. I had no idea a camera was rolling, the lights were on for visibility, the laughter from the other room was them watching me and not a movie, and that his ejaculation on my face after I explicitly asked him not to, was for show. But the truth is, it changed me.

It shaped me, it stripped me of trust, it weaponized sex for me. I learned how to guard myself from that heartbreak ever happening again. To say that changed me, is an understatement. It stole intimacy from me. It gave me scars that I still have to this day. That moment in time is something I will never forget. 

Sadly, it wasn't the only experience I had with sexual deviance, assault, and flat out rape in high school and my early 20s. But it was the first. 

Starting Fresh: New Years Resolutions, a Wee Bit Early.

I HAVE THIS HABIT of completely stopping my blog whenever I get into a relationship. I wrote very little going through the divorce post Kardashian Marriage. I met my current significant other towards the end of that divorce. (It doesn't take a lot of time to mourn a 10 month marriage). But I just completely stopped writing. 

I hate that I do this! Hate! Hate! Hate it!!! I need to write. Writing gives me clarity. It is a way I work through issues. It is how I cope with my inability to over communicate my every little thought to whomever I please. I need to write, it keeps me sane. Not to mention there is A LOT of B.S. that I have dealt with in the last 3 years that I wish I would have written about, not just for me, but in case I ever decide to put my promiscuous past out there, and get some readers. 

The common theme in all my blog posts, is I am learning something. I have grown and changed so much since starting my inconsistent rants in the form of blog posts 10 years ago. I have changed so freaking much from the girl who could fall in love and get dumped all in the course of a month. I have matured! Damn it!! But truthfully I have struggled. I have dealt with things in my relationship, with my kid, with my ex husband, with my partners kid, with his ex wife, with his ex girlfriends, with his entire past, with my friends. I have ended girl friendships and began new friendships. I have dealt with work changes, and starting a business. Moving. I mean a lot has happened in 3 years. 

So rather than start a new blog or, try to catch you up on the emotional roller coaster that is life. I think I will just commit, now, right now, to writing more often. 

I think about writing all the time! Because I have A LOT to say!!! It is time. Time to commit to this little blog of mine and work through my next life chapter of big decisions right here in front of the screen. 

Since we are in the last week of September, my house and my fridge are oozing fall scents, decor, and baked goods! I thought why not start right now, why wait for the momentous occasion of January 1st to start new habits and set new goals for the year. Let's get this ball rolling on September 26th. FOUR official days BEFORE the start of 4th quarter! BOOM!

My world has changed some much in some ways and not at all in others, since the last time I wrote. Like I am still in the same job. Almost 8 years in Telecommunications sales and 6 years in my Senior Account role handling Enterprise Accounts. So, I still have quotas, customer issues, sales goals, workplace drama - some controllable, some not. I am still raising my tiny terrorist angel baby princess love of my life. She is no longer little, she is almost driving, in high school, and worried about boys. 

But some things have changed, I have been with my Significant Other for 3 years on October 1st. We spent the first almost two years in a long distance relationship before he moved to Tulsa to be with me full time. That move required building a business with sustainable work for him here, that made it make sense for him to abandon the 20+ years he had been based in Kansas. It has been a long, hard road. It has been ugly. It has been difficult, I have given up more times than I care to count. But it has also been rewarding and for the first time in my adult life, i have a true partner in all things. He is active in helping me raise the princess. He is a part of my family. He puts up with my crazy. Most, if not all of which is directed at him. Some of it deserved, most of it deserved, but some of it not. 

I have cut ties with female friends whose worlds and life goals no longer are parallel to mine. I have abandoned people that just didn't feel like they were a part of my picture long term. I have leaned heavy on those relationships that have already lasted a lifetime. I have learned to appreciate the people who really strive to be a part of my tribe. 

So, new year, new goals, new thoughts and feelings. It is all starting here TODAY! So, what do I want to accomplish in the next 12 - 15 months and 4 days? Man, I don't know. 

I want to blog more. I want to write. Write about life and love. But I also want some more structure in my blogging. I created an LLC earlier in the year called The Kitchen Witch. I have all these big ideas for it, but I have done nothing with it. I think I may start a lifestyle blog, work that in there. 

I want to take better care of myself physically and mentally. I am on the weight gaining side of my ever existent battle with my appearance. I would like to be more mindful about not eating my feelings, working out, and taking generally better care of myself. 

I want to read more. There are so many authors, bloggers, and people with great messages. I want to dive into that and feed my mind with more than just mindless garbage on Facebook. I eventually want to become one of these people. It has always been a dream of mine to write a book. Possibly, a novel. 

I want to get into event planning and weddings. I love weddings. I want to really sink my teeth into my creative side. I need to actually finish the furniture projects cluttering my garage. I need to make great things and get rid of them!

I want to be better at documenting my traveling in some way. We are so blessed to experience so much in the world, and i want to be better about sharing that... Maybe here, maybe else where. 

I want to heal some family divides. Address some wounds and hurt in my personal relationships. I want to do my part to get past the PTSD of my past and be a better version of myself in the future. 

I want to do a lot... But today I will start with this little blog post. Tomorrow... Maybe I will write another one....