The Break Up Cure

Breaking Up is an inevitable part of dating. I date a lot, almost continuously, and therefore have been through a lot of break ups. Some times I do the breaking up, most of the time I don't, but either way someone leaves a relationship hurt. 

My method of healing is a combination of behaviors. I start by listening strictly to gangster rap because you aren't going to find Lil' Wayne singing a heart felt love ballad. Some retail therapy because a new purse or dress or panties (seriously, try it) gives you some instant gratification and something to look forward to. I also get all dressed up. Looking good makes you feel good and gives you an excuse to go get drunk. (I didn't say these were all healthy habits) A good night with your bestie drinking champagne in a crowded bar fully of pretty people to watch and flirt with is a nice distraction. Now I am a little old to be 'rolling home a reasor' to bed down as a rebound but I am not judging if you do, I have done it myself. I can't swear it will never happen again, but I do know that "you can't get under one to get over another." More appropriately I read a lot and write about how I feel, I process. You have to process the end of the relationship to move past it, however your process goes it just takes time. 

I have become fairly accustomed to the break up so getting over one is a shorter process now then when I was younger and actually thought I loved some of these ass holes. It's a longer process if you actual did love the ass hole. 


In the past few weeks I have had three friends all of whom I consider to be "best friends" but that is because I really liked elementary school and having a best friend and I refuse to give that up! Look out girls there are "Be Fri" "st end" broken heart necklaces in your Christmas stalkings this year! I digress, three of my best friends have all been having some major man issues this past month. 


First I have a girl friend that is desperately dating. I know that sounds negative but she is seeking the man of her dreams the only way she knows how, with hard work and determination. She is one of the smartest, quick witted girls I know. She is beautiful and funny and single. But she wants to get married and have babies. The trick is not being overly available, men like to chase. It is a fine balancing act between stroking their ego and playing coy. 

My mother's advice to me in my last break up is fitting here. Next time you meet a man you are interested in, you cannot give him all of you all at once. You shouldn't ever call but you should return calls. You shouldn't make the plans, he should. If a guy wants to see you, he will. Men aren't to shy to ask you out, and if they are well, that man can't keep up with you anyway. So don't be the aggressor. This is extremely difficult for me, I am so aggressive. It is difficult for her because with everything else in life if you go after it hard enough you can achieve it. 

I adore this girl, and hope she isn't mad reading this, but I want her to be happy. The good men are not all gone. You just have to know when to ease up, so you don't send them heading for the hills. I have sent a few running in my day with my co-dependent crazy. I hate to see her frustrated when all she should do is live her life for just her, because that is the only thing she really has control over. 

Friend number two is in one of those volatile relationships that is hot and cold. I always know when she is either really happy or in a really bad place because she doesn't talk to me. I don't think I would consider her a best friend but some one I care for very much. She is living her life and I just hope it is a life she loves. I am sure it is... Over the years I have just realized it is not a life I can really identify with. 


I battle with a tendency to become very co-dependent. But only once in my life have I allowed myself to become completely dependent on a man. Mr. Toilet supported me financially as well as emotionally. I think the major reason he went seeking another women was because I lost a part of myself in him. Things were always great between us when I was really focused on me and not on us. 


I realize that I think she is settling for a life that is less than she deserves but she may not see it that way. I see pieces of my own flawed nature in watching her stay in a relationship that is only really good some of the time. I know relationships have their ups and downs but sometimes the good really doesn't out weigh the bad, and failing is scary. I just hope she doesn't give so much of herself away that she is trapped in something she wakes up and realizes she is not where she wanted to be in her life. 

Finally, my third friend with a broken heart has lost the man she has dated off and on for 10 years. No. Seriously. This isn't even a bad episode of Sex and The City. My Champaigne drinking best friend through a course of events has broken up with her long time on again, off again boyfriend. Their history is sorted but essentially in the end, he cheated and isn't good enough for her.


Don't get me wrong she is devastated BUT she is focused on herself and healing. She has realized that this relationship is truly over and is just forcing herself through the pain. Just like any other girl who has ever lost a love, she fights the urge to pick up the phone and call him, to reopen the lines of communication, to make excues and forgive. She is fighting the desire to crack the door so he can slither back in, but she isn't allowing it. She is utterly determined to live the life he was holding her back from having. She looks better than ever due to the Zumba and lack of appetite. She is honed in on her career and making amazing strides at work. She is so disinterested in actually dating anyone that flirting with random boys when we hit the bar is sufficient. She is dealing and healing with books to better herself and some angry music. She is just doing what I wish every girl would do. She cried, then took a shower and is getting on with HER life.

Desperate Love

The story of Mr. Mexican Food (Mr. Taco, whatever) inspired the creation of this blog, you can catch up here if needed Time to Blog! Let's not get into the details because that relationship was just dumb. Quite possibly the most embarrassing decision I have made, ever. I seriously cannot think of a relationship I regret more or even a wardrobe choice that was more embarrassing and I grew up in the 80s.

The gist is for some strange reason my best friend Tia decides she knew someone I would really hit it off with, we talk about him, fb stalk him. He and I begin to chat. He tells her that he has been totally done and over his last girl friend for like three months and would love to get to know me. I don't even really know about this ex when we initially go out, just generic last girl friend BS.

For the record, I trust Tia with my life. She has known me for 10 years. She and her husband were mine and my fabulous ex-husbands best couple friends. She is literally family. So in no way could she have ever predicted the out come of Mr. Taco.

Screw it... You need the details to appreciate the outcome!

This relationship moves from zero to common law, as most of my unhealthy affairs. It's a Wednesday night, Maddie and I are headed to Tia's like we do every Wednesday. Mr. Taco is "not feeling well" and is going to eat and take a nap so he might be "out of pocket" for a few hours. A few hours pass, my phone rings, his name flashes, I answer with "Hey Babe! How are you feeling?" The voice on the other end is female.

Allow me to introduce Crazy and I mean CRAZY! I get that boys get in your head and make you do stupid things that you wouldn't normally do. You are reading this blog so not only are you hearing about the dumb decisions I have the tendency to make you are in my head with all my insecurities but this chick takes the cake. We will call her Kim because she looks like a pint size Kim Kardashian minus the money and the fame.

Kim has taken Mr. Taco's phone and gone to the bathroom at the restaurant where they are having dinner. I am taken aback by this call and everything she is saying just seems, well, crazy. So, like any confrontational aggressive women would do, I get in my car, drive the mile to the restaurant and walk into the bathroom.

When she turns to see who it is I have already hung up and say "I prefer to do things face to face." She is in a shaken state of shock, Mr. Taco has left the restaurant. I listen to her rant for about 10 minutes watching her crazy eyes, feeling nothing but pity for her. I can identify in part with the feelings of betrayal and complete loss of control.

As I was walking away and I will never forget this, she asked, "how do you get over this? over him" My response was sincere, "I'm not really sure, you just do, time really heals all I promise." Apparently, I didn't grasp what she was asking, she repeated herself saying, "No, how are YOU going to get over him." What that insinuated offended my competitive nature. "O honey, there is nothing for me to get over, this is something you will have to deal with..."

"You mean you are going to keep seeing him after this?"

"I am not sure. That is for me to decide. I can't wait for his explanation, it's probably really good."

"But after all I have told you!" she was on the verge of angry, but it was over shadowed by a tone of desperation.

As aloof as I could possibly sound, "Don't worry about me sweetheart, I'm a big girl, I'll figure it out."

This is the point in the story my gut said RUN! But I can justify almost anything so run, I did not. I get back to Tia's fill her in, meanwhile Mr. Taco has sent me a novel of an apology on my facebook. It said and I quote, including his use of caps lock but substituting the names:

        "Sunshine, for OUR benefit, I met with Kim tonight to beg her to leave me alone and move on with her life. I do not want you to think horribly of me because I lied to you about what I was doing tonight. This woman will not leave me alone and my lawyer, Matlock, has been contacted to issue a restraining order. I did change my number because she stole my phone and I want her out of my life. You MUST understand that this woman is CRAZY. I want her out of my life and I tried diplomatically and per my lawyers instructions to keep things civil but to no avail. I really really like you and can only imagine what she has done with my phone. My new number is 918-949-xxxx. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS END THIS BULLSHIT WITH HER. I AM SO SORRY BABY AND I AM SURE YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I LIED AND I DON'T BLAME YOU BUT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND ALL I WANT IS YOU. I HOPE TO GOD I HAVE NOT LOST YOU."

The weeks move on, we seem fine, charging through the steps of a relationship. Then he goes to the super bowl, and crazy emerges again. She hacks his facebook account, deletes me, ads herself as "in a relationship" with him and changes the password. Have I mentioned she is in her 30s and a court reporter, not even I can justify this frantic immature behavior.

At this point she has gotten a hold of my cell and is texting non stop. I am at my wits end, her crazy is officially rubbing off on me. But the passionate rage is something that peeks the interest of my overly competitive, antipathetic tendencies.

Then after I have spent the day playing with his daughter since school was out due to snow. He picks her up from me, and asks if he can have a night with just her. I think its a great idea, but in my gut I know something is just off. So when the phone call comes waking me up and he is telling me he hasn't been completely honest with me, I am not surprised. I know she must be listening and insisting that he confess his love for her to me right then. I am not going to give her the satisfaction of an emotional response and frankly there wasn't one.

I moved on to Mr. Baseball within the week and justice was served. You see, Karma is real. Just ask Mr. Taco. When we exchanged stuff, I said to him "I really wish you the best but this relationship with her that you are trying so desperately to hold on to, is not love. Assault, manipulation, lying, fighting, abusive behaviors, and torturing each other and the people you care about the most, is not love. And if you think this is what love looks like, we never had a chance anyway, because I would never be in a relationship like this. You have no idea what true love actually is, if this is what you aspire to be."

In the few months following they publicized their reunion. Then publicly broke up and got back together a couple times. I find humor in being so unbelievably right. I even got an apology from him for how disrespectful he was in the end to me. I ultimately took the high road, which is rare, but it really paid off. I went against my better judgement but learned in the end that my instincts are to be trusted.

Got Milk?

Do you ever sit there and think about how lucky you are? It is in really strange moments that I find myself thankful for all the people in my life.

Most recently, I was at my office Friday morning gushing over weekend plans and making jabs at my "office big brother" PotRoast, and the subject of baseball came up. We started talking about Ranger Games and my thoughts wondered to one of my Dallas buddies, Milk (B's best friend). I met B and Milk at the same time, B and I hit it off first but I've kept in touch with both.

To understand my relationship with Milk there are a few things you have to know. We communicate mostly over AIM and at work. It started when I was a Mortgage Lender in 2009. He sat at a computer all day and I did too, mostly. Somehow we started IMing and that is how we keep in touch.

You may think that it is extremely impersonal to talk almost exclusively over text but I would disagree. For example, one day I was ranting over something completely pointless but it had passionately enraged me. I was needing to vent and be affirmed of the validity of my opinion (over what I couldn't even tell you). I chose Milk as the person to listen. He willingly did this, via IM and as soon as I was done he asked, "Is it shark week?" Referring to my menstrual cycle. I hastily respond with, "why is that important?" He says, "So it is. OK I just needed to know how to respond." He followed with a completely irrational agreement to whatever it was I was in an uproar about and when I was good and calmed down he said, "I think I know you pretty well, when I can tell from Dallas, over IM, that you are hormonal." I laughed because it's true and he does.

Milk has a special place in my heart. He has given me love and career advice. He is the guy that will listen to me bitch about men and then give me a brutally honest opinion followed by a compliment to cushion the blow of reality.

The talk of Rangers brings him to mind so I log onto AIM just to say hi. He responds to my chipper "how are ya?" with a bland "ok, I guess" leaving me concerned. We delve into what's going on with him which is rare, that he vents to me.

He has committed to keeping his most recent ex's dog, while she goes away for the weekend. He is hurt because she isn't really responding to his texts, and when she does she seems distant, annoyed, or preoccupied, maybe a combination of them all. This hurts his feelings, which it should. So we go into him dealing with the solid move to the "buddy zone" and what he should do about it.

I did what any good girl friend would do, I offered to come to Dallas and take care of the dog with him, insuring her raging jealous and an even playing field. I knew he would laugh and not take me up on this, which is good 'cause I had plans. Then I said "let's say this is me and I am telling you this exact story, because let's face it this sounds like something I would do. What would you tell me?" He and I both answered with what his recommendations would be, acknowledging how difficult it is to follow your own sound advice. Understanding that she was taking advantage of his kindness. She knew he would offer to help her out and that her expectation of him was being fulfilled. I told him, he needed to be comfortable in being just friends. If he wasn't then it was time for some distance to get over her. We talked about how she would come home and communication would revert right back to her normal comfort level but it wasn't fair to have things solely on her terms. I am not sure how much help I was but I do know that I told him I loved him and that he deserved a great girl and that he was still really hot! All the things I would want to hear...

Listening to Milk and telling him how much I appreciate who he is and would do anything I could for him just showed me how blessed I am. I am lucky that I have people in my life I care for this much. He has read some of my blog, laughed at me but I know he wants me to be happy and find a good loving man to share my life with; he supports me. I am not sure he will be too happy as the subject of one of my blog posts and he might not like his nickname either.

Man of My Dreams!

I sure have been a slacker on this blog but since it is so driven by my dating there hasn't been much to say. After Mr. Baseball took the ex-girlfriend he assured me wasn't in the picture on the vacation we had planned I kind of swore off men until 2012. Mr. MexicanFood and Mr. Baseball in the first 4 months of this year is just a sign that I obviously have not figured out my major man issues. 

I may not be dating but I am not dead either. I met the most beautiful man on my birthday at this swanky rooftop bar downtown. I never go to places like this because I am a much simpler girl and the socialite scene is more than I care to keep up with but it was my birthday. So my champagne drinking best friend and my hilarious little sister take me out for some girls night fun. 

This tall extremely handsome guy was pacing past our table on his phone and I over hear his bitching about being at the bar alone. Since I am such a shy girl I turn around, interrupt his phone call and say "it's really OK buddy, we've all been there before, you are just suppose to own it." He laughs, gets off the phone and we continue to talk. A few minutes later three of his friends show up and join our table. I spend my evening laughing and drinking with the Man of My Dreams. 

He is gorgeous, has his Masters from Oregon State, works as the General Manager for the department at a University that seeks corporate sponsorships for the athletic department and he grew up in Northern California, my favorite place on Earth.  I could not have created him better myself. Did I mention he has no kids and is only 31!! Ding. Ding. Ding. 

So far I have played it pretty cool with emails and such surrounding work, there is communication but it's not like he is racing to ask me out and we haven't ventured into any real details about our personal lives. For all I know he is one of those married guys who doesn't wear a ring. I hate them... It must be how boys feel about wonder bras; false advertising. You get all excited and then BAM! Married. 

I will keep you all posted on the progress of the Man of My Dreams but I am sticking to not dating until 2012... At least for now!

In The Beginning...

I started this blog on the heels of Mr. Taco a short lived romance that had the mourning period of roughly 6 days. Then, I thrust myself straight into the next possible love of my life Mr. Baseball. Now, that has ended and although I pride myself on the ability to bounce back from these seemingly meaningless relationships, they are starting to take a toll. I call them "seemingly meaningless" because I am a believer you cannot break what is already broken. To understand where my heart became a shattered mess I am going to have to take this little diary of love back a few years and discuss The Great Love of My Life, Mr. Toilet.

It was one of those once in a lifetime kind of romances. Even given the disaster of an ending I can't help but sit here smiling thinking of how we began. The night we met I shook his hand smiled confidently and knew that he was special. I had met a friend for drinks on a Friday after work. It was March Madness and KU was in the Final Four, so I had no real plans but to be in front of a TV. Mr. Toilet walked in with a friend of his that was dating a friend of mine and we instantly connected. He was originally stopping in for one beer but that turned to dinner, to drinks at the bar, to sitting on a couch listening to music for hours and talking. He took me to my car hungover and exhausted at 7 the next morning. He had a golf tournament that he text me throughout and insisted we meet up after. We did... It was perfect. The first few weeks flew by and after months of dating we were still crazy in love. We had moved in together and were planning our lives.

The sad reality is, he didn't exist. The man I was in love with was just one side of his story. The other side belong to an attractive women in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We will call her Ruby. Ruby and Mr. Toilet met as kids on the beach in South Padre. With lots of family connections they grew up together, having several romances along the way. Some where in my fairy tale Ruby found an old phone with an old number and sent it a text. Reconnecting these childhood sweethearts with the one that got away. I am sure if you hear them tell the story of how they have come to be engaged it would melt your heart. The part I am sure they leave out is that he had already made that commitment to a little girl from Oklahoma that thought he hung the moon.

He was already planning and living this life with someone, me. So when the strain of his literal double life became too much and he could no longer keep my questions and frustrations at bay, he created a story of a possibly fatal illness to by him time. I could not make this up if I tried, he lied about having cancer and travelling to Houston to seek medical treatment. Brilliant really, I would never question something so unbelievably terrifying as the possibility of losing him to a disease that has touched my life and family in so many ways. It gave him the perfect alibi for short trips throughout the month.

Now, I know you are thinking how in the world can someone pull the wool over your eyes enough to have you believing they had cancer not a mistress? To answer this you have to know a little more about me. At 19, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I was pregnant with my daughter and married to my Fabulous Ex-Husband. I didn't talk about it much, if at all, and knowing the prognosis I put off the recommended treatment for almost a year. I literally ignored it until I couldn't anymore. So for him to use this, I understood. I never talked about it, he shouldn't have to either, it is a personal thing. It is a burden you don't want resting on the ones you love no matter how much they want to be there for you. And let's be honest, who in their right mind lies about having Cancer.

The other part of this equation leading to the belief of his outlandish lie is I wanted to believe him. I had finally found a man that I trusted whole heartily that every word from his mouth was absolute law. So I wasn't looking to prove him wrong. I was in love with him and he was everything I had ever wanted. Why would I look to mess that up? I had never trusted anyone the way I trusted him.

It ended over 2 years ago and if you ask me today I will tell you in all sincerity I will never love another man the way I loved Mr. Toilet. It fell apart in a heart breaking fashion and nearly destroyed me. I still wake up wishing that it was a dream and he and I were still spiraling towards happily ever after but we are not. I am not the future Mrs. Toilet, my prince has yet to be found. The men I have dated since have mirrored him in one way or another. Like I said originally, I am writing about this vicious cycle, hoping to find the end, knowing the common thread is me and that I am the only one who can fix it.

The Rubber Band Effect

Why do men have to be so damn predictable? Last Sunday afternoon New Guy and I were talking about our busy week ahead and how our schedules had both of us busy every night. I made some snide remark about maybe next week. Then, went into how maybe this forced separation would stave off the "Rubber Band Effect" that was sure to hit some time next week. Confused, he asked what I meant so I explained:
          The Rubber Band Effect happens in relationships where you start out with a great connection, great chemistry, wanting to be around each other all the time and then BAM! Something changes. The relationship all of a sudden slows down (or comes to a screeching halt). The guy does this retreat into his own camp using some version of the 'too much to quick' excuse. The women often responds with more pressure and wanting to talk about it, trying to maintain the established routine or see even more of the man which pushes him further away until... Rubber band Breaks.

New Guy "has never noticed this trend in his relationships" and is quick to offer assurance of his feelings. Plans change, the week frees up and we end up together... A lot. Talking all the time, seeing each other almost everyday, hanging with our kids together. It was a lot. He doesn't go out of town Saturday but makes plans with the guys, which is totally fine. I wanted to see my Champagne Drinking Best Friend anyway! But I can tell, it is the beginning of the Rubber Band Effect. 


So here we are Sunday, and our 14 phone calls a day have been 2 and our 40 texts have been 3, both initiated by me. He is in full pull away mode... Combination of justifications going on in his head but really this is par for the course. My mind races between, he has met someone new or is freaking out about how committed this relationship feels already. 


My urge is to call and address this change in behavior. This urge is wrong and will surely get me kicked to the curb, maybe not immediately but on my way. So, I am trying to follow the advice I give my girlfriends but some how rarely manage to listen to myself. I am leaving him the hell alone! 

If he wants to talk to me he will call. He is guy, a guy who likes you will make time for you. With this renewed since of 'he needs to chase me' comes the beginning of my emotional detachment. I don't want to drive myself insane thinking about what he is thinking or doing. I automatically go to dealing with it as if it is over. I know, it sounds extreme, and I know it isn't over. But it is easier to sort of move past him than to wait around until he decides to come back. 


I hate this game. I hate this theory, and how it is always correct and right on schedule. Three Weeks= Rubber band 


I will let you know when New Guy comes back (they always come back) or if he gets a nickname, Mr. Baseball perhaps and I move on to the next possible love of my life.

Houston, We Have A Problem!

I am not a big fan of Houston,TX. Just the name gives me anxiety. This is most likely attributed to Mr. Toilet's "cancer" in 2008. He would visit "Houston" at least once sometimes twice a month. Although it wasn't cancer it was another girlfriend and it wasn't in Houston, it was Albuquerque.

So New Guy is heading to Houston today for his Great Uncle's Surprise 90th Birthday Party. His father and uncle are already down there. He is just going for one maybe two nights. We are not in a place where this should bother me but it is driving me nuts.

Which brings me to my need to write today. I need to give New Guy the benefit of the doubt without being blind to anything he could be doing. I like what he and I have, I just need to trust that he isn't stringing me along to pass the time until the person he really wants to be with is ready for him.

How ridiculous is this fear? He says Houston and I automatically assume some elaborate lie to stay in Tulsa and meet up with his most recent ex. He wouldn't want me to know because he hasn't decided what he actually wants. The saddest part is this has played out, in my real life, count it, FOUR times, each one varying slightly and two of them using Houston.

New Guy and I have logged quite a few hours of relationship time over the past several weeks. There are real emotions and feelings getting involved at this point. I would be disappointed if he decided he didn't want to see me anymore and I would be hurt if he was seeing other people. But am I creating an attachment to him prematurely? Are we still in this limbo of getting to know each other, with no strings attached, and should I be more guarded?

I think he gets me, and my crazy. I think he wouldn't want to ruin our chances at least at a friendship by deceiving me. I think he is honest to a fault and if there was another agenda or another person he would tell me. But then again, I have thought this all before and been completely wrong.

I want New Guy to actually be the person I think he is, not just the next story in my laughable love life. I want him to be better than those who came before him.