The Break Up Day 1: I Can't Stop Crying

Like every other almost 30 year old in the world I have been heartbroken by the end of a relationship. I have experienced the pain of a divorce, the betrayal of an affair, the confusion of the end but I've always made it to the other side. 

I have come to realize these experiences, the moving on of love stays with you. I can vividly describe the day I found out about Mr. Toilet's affair in Albuquerque. Just after lunch on February 26, 2009. I remember his joyful text that he was on his way home and him asking about dinner and greeting him at the gate in calm rage after my phone call with the woman who later became his wife. Several years have passed and although I am thankful I wasn't the one who lives in constant wonder of her husbands fidelity, it still effects me. He still effects me. 

My Fabulous Ex-Husband is on the verge of marrying his long time girl friend. We had our usual Monday conversation about the monster's plans for the week. His giddy, "What can I do for you today, Princess?" Still makes me laugh and smile. I have resolved that a small part of me will always love him, after all we did create a human together. 

As I reflect on those break ups and the pain I endured I also remember the betrayal and the anger. There was a lot of hurt that could never be recovered from, there was a lot of pain due to lies and deception. I was devastated but there was a clear end. The relationship was dead and I could accept that and move forward. 

This feels different. This isn't the same heartbreak because some one did something wrong. He didn't cheat on me, there isn't another women he would rather date. He isn't angry and temperamental and our fights are never violent. This ending is just sad and I can't stop crying. 

In the past I have had the anger to cling to, to get me through the moments. It's easy to be tough when you are pissed. But I am not mad, at least not any more and what I was so mad about doesn't seem worth the pain of losing JFK. 

I know my expectations for our relationship were reasonable. I know I didn't really demand much from him and he still couldn't take the steps towards compromise but this is a different kind of hurt. The kind when the only issue could be easily resolved if both parties wanted to work on it. I want to, he knows that, he knows I am devastated by the end of us. He does not and I just have to deal with that. 

But it's the crying, why can I not stop crying? I tossed all night long, I cried myself to sleep, I woke up in tears, I cried in bed all morning until I re-exhausted myself and barely got Maddie up in time for school. I changed the radio a million times and every song brought me to tears. I teared up at my desk checking my emails and every person that stops and says hello has to see the swollen puffy red eyes from a solid 24 hours of crying. I can't stop crying. I hate crying, I resist crying. 

I know I need space to move on and to get over this. I know that if he wanted it to work he would make it work because I am all too willing to do whatever it takes to fix our slightly skewed relationship. But I miss him already. I miss having him to tell everything to, our camaraderie over work, any time I see something funny or something I think he would like. I miss his support and his presence. I already miss him.

So, on Day 1 of my most recent heartbreak I can't stop crying. I am lucky I work in sales and working from home the majority of the day is acceptable. I am really lucky I killed it this month and that the only client I have to see isn't until 3.

I understand mourning a relationship and if I were giving advice to a friend, I would tell her it's OK to cry. Get it out, give yourself a timeline to get it all out. When my Bestie and I talked this morning she told me to take the day and cry it out, so I could start fresh tomorrow. I thought I would power through and keep busy but it's hard to be on your 'a' game when you can't stop crying. So maybe I need a few hours today to mourn the loss of what I thought had so much potential. The boy that became a friend and then a boyfriend, the way I always thought it was suppose to happen.