The Suffering and Redemption

If you have kept up with this blog even remotely over the past few months, you know a few things:
       1) I am head over heals for my boyfriend JFK.
       2) He likes to live in a state of denial of the seriousness of our relationship.
       3) I put up with his immaturity and occasional distance. 

The last time we had a serious issue, I damn near killed him or more accurately it damn near killed us. He went off the grid without warning and I went ballistic. Every girl I know would have been upset- if the guy you've been dating for months just chooses not to call or answer texts for a day you're seeing red. 

We eventually had a talk about it... It's been a month now and I don't know exactly what was said but I was faced with a decision. I either accept the fact that he is not quite ready to be in a serious relationship and these little outbursts of rebellion are going to happen from time to time OR I end it. 

My roommate The Loric having listen to my outrage and rants about how done I was sort of saved the day with one simple revelation. "He's not ready for this level of commitment, no matter how much he wants to be ready, he's just not." 

I know this, he has told me this. He is very upfront with how he thinks he is a shitty boyfriend because he wants to be selfish and this is the time in his life he really can be. He has blatantly told me that when it gets to be too much he pulls away. That every other girl he has tried to date has gotten too serious and through no real fault of their own, he ends it. He hates being the bad guy and he hasn't ever taken things as slowly as he is with me. 

So September was kind of a rocky road, a lot happen he casually met my brother and my parents, stated spending time around my daughter and my couple best friends. He went off the grid and brought the "are we better as friends" card into the mix. He had a tough month at the office, I was out of work for half of it. Money was tight. We were frustrated and just hanging by a thread. 

He admitted his mistake and acknowledged a change and I was not willing to let this be the end of us. Although, I realize for every two steps forward there seems to be a giant leap back. He just encompasses all I've ever wanted... So I am being patient or at least trying.

We just past the 5 month mark and it seems we've turned a corner in October. He is getting a little more use to being referred to as my boyfriend. We are make plans for future stuff, not far off future but Christmas parties have been a topic. I am giving him all the leeway I can stomach in his quest to be a balanced 25 year old. He has become slightly more communicative and his playful flirtatious nature is still intact. 

I am in awe that I have spent the last FIVE whole months with him and that we are still seemingly moving forward. I am really happy and he seems pretty content as well. Even though the growing pains are many and more often than I am use to, we are figuring this out and it is so worth it.