This feeling of anxiety this nauseating, heart racing, tears welling in the back of my eyes feeling is all too familiar and all too awful and no longer worth it. I cannot do this. I cannot be the girl who would do anything for you, that is absolutely crazy about you, the girl who was actually falling for you and is more devastated than appreciated on a daily basis.
I can't do this. I cannot be ignored and reduced to some one so insignificant you can't even be bothered to return a text message. To answer a phone call, or to communicate your plans.
You have gone to such great lengths to exclude me from almost every aspect of your life. Your friends, even mutual acquaintances have no clue you were in a relationship. You refuse to allow me to meet anyone important to you. You have me in my own compartment that is only accessed when it is convenient for you and it hurts.
This is probably the most rejected and unwelcome I have ever felt in some one's life and I can't do it anymore.
What I don't think you understand is that before you came along I had a very full life. I still have a very full life. I have an amazing daughter that between her social schedule and extra curricular activities keeps me very busy. I have a close nit loving family and the circle of friends I surround myself with are solid people, some of the most solid people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. I am on a great career path and have proven myself resilient through the changes that has brought on and although the weakest portion of my life has always been financial stability, I have finally disciplined myself enough to be caught up and completely self sustainable in the next 30 days. I have a very full wonderful life and I MADE ROOM FOR YOU IN IT.
That's right I made room for you. You weren't filling some restless needy void. I was whole and healed when I met you. I was emotionally available and in a place that I could be open and vulnerable to you. I took care and caution in getting to know you. I took time to understand you as a person before bringing in the other facets of my life. I fell for you, I saw potential and knew that it would take patience and understanding to build something that could hopefully be lasting.
But this I can no longer do. I can no longer be told more times than not how I am NOT your girl friend. This is not a relationship. You are not "going to be good" when I am not around, you are going to do whatever you want to do with out any regard for my feelings. I no longer want to be reduced to the girl you answer when it is convenient, you schedule in if there isn't something better. I am not going to patiently await the moment you decide I am worth your time and affection. I cannot do this.
I cannot be with someone who wants to reduce me to something so disposable while I give more of myself every day.
I have gotten to know you, since February I have gotten to know different aspects of who you are as a person and I have loved and accepted every single one, until this. The part of you that refuses to treat me as something important in your life. The part of you that thrives on hurting my feelings under the pretense of a joke. I cannot be with a person who does not appreciate what I have to offer and does not respect me. You do not respect me. You do not even know how to show a person that you care for any type of affection or emotion.
We've finally gotten to my breaking point, this weekend was my breaking point. You tear me down, you chip away at my security and confidence in what I thought we had. Your priority is everything but me. And every time I feel like we are getting some where, every time I get a glimpse of you putting forth effort to be a part of my life it ends up like this. It ends with me angry, frustrated and hurt because partying, drinking and golf are all so important you can't be bothered with me.
I imagine this out pour of aggression is some what shocking I assume you are not even quite sure what you did. So let me tell you specifically the straw that broke the camels back here. Your refusal to return a text or call Wednesday and Thursday until the afternoon resulted in a similar conversation. Where I asked that you just show me the common courtesy of a reply even if it was a can't talk now, call you tomorrow. Our conversation Friday night a continuation of you telling me how not committed you are to our relationship and that you wanted me to call you less. Do you have any idea how much "I am not your boyfriend" and you call me too much hurts me. Because last I checked, I was exclusively sleeping with and dating you, so to be told the opposite is pretty demoralizing. You like to say things that cut me the deepest, that play on my insecurities the most under the pretense that you are kidding. It is not a joke. I do not find it fun or funny that you tell me you are seeing other girls, or if you spend a holiday with me that wouldn't be fair to your other girlfriends. All fun and games to you until you eventually have taken the friendship we based this relationship on and have beaten it to death with your sarcasm and indifference.
You knew I had plans on Saturday that I wanted you to try and be apart of, you knew it was important to me. I understood your family coming into town and your need to find a costume for your office party at Steve's. A party you planned on getting so wasted you would actually stay the night there. So imagine my surprise when I awake to pictures of you in a costume that took about 45 seconds of effort and at a club. I feel pretty lied to about your intentions for the evening, but your arms thrown around some girl and a beer in your hand definitely made light of where I stand with you.
You couldn't be bothered to answer my call before your parents got to town, you couldn't respond to any of my texts before your little party but you sure found the time to get wasted with your friends. And this continues into today, instead of calling and talking to me this morning, or answering any of my text messages, you wait until I am so vehemently angry to tell me you are on the mother fucking golf course and you will call me when you leave.
At least you finally told me that, I have been waiting for that courteous text message for months.
You know I am trying to be patient, you know that I am willing to give you all the space you need to do whatever you want. You know that the only thing I require to feel happy and secure in our relationship is communication but you refuse. It's like something you hang on to ensuring you always have your way, the upper hand.
So here we are, I am finally done. I am finally sick of looking like the idiot girl who fell for a guy who actually couldn't careless about her. I am done being disrespected by you. Done looking for clues that you care about me instead of knowing.
And I am heartbroken. I am devastatingly crushed over this because I did fall for you. I overlooked your inability to be intimate because I loved everything about you, even your flawed often ill timed sense of humor. I was encouraged by your drive to be successful and your willingness to work hard. I love your confidence and the ease in which you carry yourself. I loved when you kissed me like you meant it because it was the greatest feeling in the world to be desired by you. I liked your jokes, taste in music, movies, love of sports, desire to be low key. The closeness of your family, your character, your respect of my parents and the effort you put forth with my friends and my daughter. I fell for the man that I know you are, the one that made me want to be the best possible version of myself because that is what I thought you deserved. I wanted to be a success in my own right, to carry myself in a manner of which you could be proud I was a significant part of your life, I even wanted to cook perfectly for you. I loved having sex with you and being physically close to you and I didn't mind that you hate to cuddle and I understand a need for alone time- I identified with those things. I wanted you to have everything you wanted out of life. But I can't be so neglected at this stage. I can't give you these pieces of me anymore because you don't cherish and respect them. I can't give that to someone who doesn't want me.
So this one is for real, I can't say no to you wanting to just be friends. I don't want to be friends, not right now. I am sure at some point I will. I will get over this too and then lunches and beers will be fine but right now, I am heartbroken. I found a person that I loved even their flaws and respected every single part of, a person that encompassed what I wanted in a partner and that person told me one too many times that I wasn't good enough.
I had to write it down and get it out because I can't articulate my feelings in conversation the way I can in writing and even though me telling you all of this is for my peace and my closure. Given the disregard you show me, I cannot help be know this isn't heart breaking to you. This isn't something you are going to lose sleep over or be devastated by because there are tons of girls out there who will give you the satisfaction of a couple weeks and you don't have to be emotionally vested in them. You don't have to think about a future or how they fit into your life. I know what you want is not me and that some waitress will fill the spot I have been holding for the last 6 months. I feel so stupid, I thought we were actually working. I thought we were getting some where these last few weeks.
I don't think I have ever loved someone so recklessly knowing the reality was, he felt nothing for me. Thanks for the dinners and the drinks, I really enjoyed getting to know you.
Goodbye, JFK.
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