THIS WEEKEND WAS ROUGH not only in the relationship department but just all around sucked. I had such high expectations going into it and I never hesitate doing so, but I was so off base this weekend it's shocking.
Let's start on Thursday Night... Fashion's Night Out in the thriving metropolis of Tulsa, Oklahoma. JFK has been geared up for this event for a few weeks, knowing full well the big brother introduction is inevitable. Despite his hesitation at points to be in a real live relationship, he handled it very well. He even met my mother... The night was good until dinner- without much thought he told me his plans to cook out with some co-workers on Saturday. Hmmm.... That's funny, we have plans for Saturday.
This brings on a bit of a heated conversation, in which I express had he acknowledged the change but said this was something he really wanted/needed to do and offered up an alternative to the time we would have been together-NBD. Anyway, night goes on, ends fine.
Friday... We talk and I know he has a golf game but it's Kiki's Birthday and there is a big party. I asked him weeks in advance to go with me. He said he would call and meet up after golf. Rainstorm and a nap later, I bail on the party myself. Being recently unemployed and trying to have a little sense with the few dollars I have until I start a new job, bar hopping is not the wisest move for me. JFK is MIA anyway, so I just relax at the house and go to be early.
1:15am, the phone rings it's JFK. He has no idea I bailed on the party and is wondering where I am, we were going to "meet up" remember... Bars close in 30 minutes. I am dead to the world until this revelation that he's been out all night partying with the guys. So much for our plans, because when I hear "I'll call you after my golf game" and the golf game gets rained out by 7:45, I expected him to call well before 1am.
"Pick your battles, Sunshine, this is not where you want to put your flag in the sand," says the voice in my head that sounds remarkably like my best friend Tia. Since, I am now wide awake and assume he is on Brookside a block from my house, I call him at 2 to tell him to come over. When he calls back 10 minutes later, he is already crossing the bridge to his house, so that's out. We chat for a few and the last thing he says to me is "I'll call you in the morning. We'll figure out tomorrow."
Saturday... I wake up in a decent mood. Text JFK a Good Morning text at 10:30, thinking I can make breakfast we can knock out some time together this gorgeous day and he can be free for his cook out later. I'm such a sweet girlfriend. 11:30 no response, I think I will call this is a great idea. No answer, left a funny message. 1:30 and I have still not heard anything, at this point I am a little frustrated and wonder what he is doing that he isn't responding to me. I send the text, he knows I am on the verge of anger, a wise man would take heed this warning, "Seriously, call me back."
FOUR THIRTY in the afternoon, still nothing... This kid has a god damn death wish at this point. Now, I am not an idiot, I know I should have text one time and never reached out again but I thought I was pretty cool to be some what OK with the fact that he completely blew off our weekend plans, so calling when he said he would isn't that much to ask. Last call, voicemail, "J-F-K this is SUNSHINE, you need to return my call." NOTHING.
My high school best friend comes in town, drags me off my couch for a few drinks at a couple bars. I get home, I am still livid but have had enough to sleep. Wake up, 8am and I am on the verge of a freaking panic attack. I cannot believe this dickhead has had the audacity to fucking ignore me. I'm done. I now just want to talk so I can tell him how done I am with his immature ridiculous ass.
I have to get out of this house, I need to clear my head, the walls are closing in the tears are forming, the disrespect with which I have been treated over the past 24 hours is at the forefront of my mind as well as the certainty that this relationship is OVER. Take a xanex, get in the car, head to the river, I need to walk and get my thoughts together.
Then, to add insult to injury on my quest for serenity, I fucking hit something in the middle of the road, dead on, didn't see it. Pull over and my car is jacked! It pulled this plastic piece off which is now dragging, I can see how to put it on but the trusty pink screw driver is not in my car. Dammit. Call JFK, he answers and I literally say, "I am so fucking pissed at you but I can't deal with that right now, I just hit something and need some help." After a short conversation about where I am and what I hit and a few idiotic suggestions of what I do about it later, I finally say, "or you can drag your lazy ass out of bed grab a Phillip's head screw driver and come fucking help me."
As soon as I see him I am in a rage, I am beyond frustrated by the car situation, and the fact that JFK has been such a dick I want to stab him with a screw driver. He fixes my car and I ask, what the hell happened to him yesterday. He literally owns up to the fact that he knew I was mad and it was a real chicken-shit move but he just chose not to call me back. I let him know how utterly disrespectful that is pointing out that he would never treat his friends that way, so why is it ok to do that to me.
This whole thing spawns the beginning of a conversation we don't have time to finish because of his impending tee time. So I will have to wait until later...
Monday, September 10, 2012
Monday, August 27, 2012
Slow and Steady: A Tale of Relationships Present
Relationships move at all different speeds. More times than not I find myself in the "zero to common law" paced relationship. I have a tendency to go from hello to playing house without much time in between and in my experience, these end as quickly as they begin.
My current relationship with JFK is quickly approaching the 4 month mark. Although, he only came to grips with the fact we are dating about a week and a half ago. The progression has been slow and for me a little trying because I have this tendency to want to get to the next step.
JFK and I met in mid February, became friends, and he finally asked me out on what could have been deemed a date on May 1st and kissed me for the first time standing in his apartment wearing a cowboy hat on Cinco de Mayo. Thus began the consistency of time together, communication and kissing.
At this same time 2 of my other good girl friends started dating boys too. Kiki began a whirlwind romance with a boy we shall call Carl, he reminds me of a grumpy old man a lot of the time so I think Carl is pretty fitting. My other girl friend needs a real sultry nickname or maybe I will just stick with stripper names for them... Jasmine! So, Jasmine started dating William, like the prince.
The first week of May was a good one for my little circle of girl friends. By the second week of may Kiki and Carl were in love. That may not be a literal time line; it may have been the third week but it was most definitely before Memorial Weekend. Jasmine and William started dropping the L-bomb about 3 weeks ago and the coordination of life plans and career plans quickly followed. JFK is on the complete other end of the spectrum, I got mad at him on Wednesday for yelling, "you are not my girlfriend," into the phone. He was partially saying it to get a reaction out of me but mostly because labels and this relationship scare the bageesus out of him. So we are far, far from the I love you's.
All this set up to talk about where we all are RIGHT NOW!... Kiki ended things with Carl last night. She is utterly heartbroken and destroyed. We haven't had a chance to talk about it but this relationship has had issues from the beginning. JFK deemed them "The Most Mismatched Couple on Earth." The differences in personality and the inability to communicate through difficult situations ultimately led to their demise. Kiki has slowly been pulling away but this final ripping off of the proverbial bandaid is crushing. What she is going through right now, I have been through several times before and it is something I never hope to experience again.
Prince William and Jasmine have started the co-habitation routine. They are staying together every night and he has essentially moved himself in... She likes her girl time though, so kicking him out at least once maybe twice a week is how she keeps her sanity. I think this little budding romance has some staying power if they can keep some semblance of separate lives.
JFK and I are the complete opposite. In 4 months we have stayed together overnight, three times. I think there were three other times we could have but didn't. I have met, um none of his friends and he has met Kiki and my couple best friends. So, the major players have been introduced but really that is within the last week. Our biggest fights come from me being mad at him because I am not even sure he likes me half the time. I bring this up once a month or so, but it has been a topic of conversation several times this week.
Of the three relationships, for the first time ever, I think mine has the best foundation. I have been so concerned for Kiki jumping into this thing the way she did and overlooking the red flags along the way. I think she got so caught up in the emotion and was so immediately in love with Carl that every thing she would have turned and walked away from immediately was covered in the blanket of unconditional love. If they weren't so busy looking at a future together, they would have noticed the characteristics that make them incompatible. It isn't really that he is a bad guy, it is that they are just not good together. But in 4 months they have gotten involved in each others families and circle of friends. So Kiki is going to field break up questions for weeks from all angles.
Prince William has a daughter and although Jasmine is totally cool with that, the daughter has a mother. A mother who has begun her quest to get her man back. This is just a relationship killer, no matter how you slice it, he has to keep peace with the mother of his child. They have to be able to co-parent, so more important than Jasmine is the well-being of his little girl. I think, she thinks, she gets that and is prepared but the stress and pressure and unhappy slightly crazy baby mama, can place on a relationship is unlike anything else in the world. It's relationship chriptonite, trust me, I've used it myself and so has My Fabulous Ex-Husband.
My slow and steady relationship seems to be the most balanced. Although, I am pretty sure I am falling in love with JFK and as much as I would like to assume that is mutual, finding an indicator that he is falling for me too is proving to be a tough task. I just take stock in the rare moments that he lets his guard down and I get a glimpse of venerability from him.
This week I have been on him about being committed to this or just letting me go. I have harped on him telling me how he feels and on Saturday got so mad, I was actually ready to let him walk away. I know I pushed him but I needed to know he was in this, that he is afraid of me breaking his heart, that he wants to be sure we are going last. He actually responded to one of my "when we are married in 5 years" jokes with, "We probably will be married in five years." (I think there was a "but" followed by something I needed to quit doing, like calling him honey in public. But I stopped listening to soak in that little gem.)
I wish I was a little more secure in what we have, I think the security I should focus on is in how deliberate the process of being in this relationship has been. It wasn't a surge of emotions, it was a conscious decision to start something. It has been cared for with the hope of sustainability. He is all I have ever wanted in partner. I love the person I have become since dating him. He makes me better, he pushes me without even realizing it. I absolutely adore him and everything about him is perfect for me.
If slow and steady really wins the race, I am in. I am right where I want to be with an amazing person. I am terrified because he could shatter my heart but I know if by some chance that happened I would survive. We have a real shot. I have a real shot at a relationship I have worked hard to protect and have cherished every moment of its creation.
Cheers, to being the tortoise!
My current relationship with JFK is quickly approaching the 4 month mark. Although, he only came to grips with the fact we are dating about a week and a half ago. The progression has been slow and for me a little trying because I have this tendency to want to get to the next step.
JFK and I met in mid February, became friends, and he finally asked me out on what could have been deemed a date on May 1st and kissed me for the first time standing in his apartment wearing a cowboy hat on Cinco de Mayo. Thus began the consistency of time together, communication and kissing.
At this same time 2 of my other good girl friends started dating boys too. Kiki began a whirlwind romance with a boy we shall call Carl, he reminds me of a grumpy old man a lot of the time so I think Carl is pretty fitting. My other girl friend needs a real sultry nickname or maybe I will just stick with stripper names for them... Jasmine! So, Jasmine started dating William, like the prince.
The first week of May was a good one for my little circle of girl friends. By the second week of may Kiki and Carl were in love. That may not be a literal time line; it may have been the third week but it was most definitely before Memorial Weekend. Jasmine and William started dropping the L-bomb about 3 weeks ago and the coordination of life plans and career plans quickly followed. JFK is on the complete other end of the spectrum, I got mad at him on Wednesday for yelling, "you are not my girlfriend," into the phone. He was partially saying it to get a reaction out of me but mostly because labels and this relationship scare the bageesus out of him. So we are far, far from the I love you's.
All this set up to talk about where we all are RIGHT NOW!... Kiki ended things with Carl last night. She is utterly heartbroken and destroyed. We haven't had a chance to talk about it but this relationship has had issues from the beginning. JFK deemed them "The Most Mismatched Couple on Earth." The differences in personality and the inability to communicate through difficult situations ultimately led to their demise. Kiki has slowly been pulling away but this final ripping off of the proverbial bandaid is crushing. What she is going through right now, I have been through several times before and it is something I never hope to experience again.
Prince William and Jasmine have started the co-habitation routine. They are staying together every night and he has essentially moved himself in... She likes her girl time though, so kicking him out at least once maybe twice a week is how she keeps her sanity. I think this little budding romance has some staying power if they can keep some semblance of separate lives.
JFK and I are the complete opposite. In 4 months we have stayed together overnight, three times. I think there were three other times we could have but didn't. I have met, um none of his friends and he has met Kiki and my couple best friends. So, the major players have been introduced but really that is within the last week. Our biggest fights come from me being mad at him because I am not even sure he likes me half the time. I bring this up once a month or so, but it has been a topic of conversation several times this week.
Of the three relationships, for the first time ever, I think mine has the best foundation. I have been so concerned for Kiki jumping into this thing the way she did and overlooking the red flags along the way. I think she got so caught up in the emotion and was so immediately in love with Carl that every thing she would have turned and walked away from immediately was covered in the blanket of unconditional love. If they weren't so busy looking at a future together, they would have noticed the characteristics that make them incompatible. It isn't really that he is a bad guy, it is that they are just not good together. But in 4 months they have gotten involved in each others families and circle of friends. So Kiki is going to field break up questions for weeks from all angles.
Prince William has a daughter and although Jasmine is totally cool with that, the daughter has a mother. A mother who has begun her quest to get her man back. This is just a relationship killer, no matter how you slice it, he has to keep peace with the mother of his child. They have to be able to co-parent, so more important than Jasmine is the well-being of his little girl. I think, she thinks, she gets that and is prepared but the stress and pressure and unhappy slightly crazy baby mama, can place on a relationship is unlike anything else in the world. It's relationship chriptonite, trust me, I've used it myself and so has My Fabulous Ex-Husband.
My slow and steady relationship seems to be the most balanced. Although, I am pretty sure I am falling in love with JFK and as much as I would like to assume that is mutual, finding an indicator that he is falling for me too is proving to be a tough task. I just take stock in the rare moments that he lets his guard down and I get a glimpse of venerability from him.
This week I have been on him about being committed to this or just letting me go. I have harped on him telling me how he feels and on Saturday got so mad, I was actually ready to let him walk away. I know I pushed him but I needed to know he was in this, that he is afraid of me breaking his heart, that he wants to be sure we are going last. He actually responded to one of my "when we are married in 5 years" jokes with, "We probably will be married in five years." (I think there was a "but" followed by something I needed to quit doing, like calling him honey in public. But I stopped listening to soak in that little gem.)
I wish I was a little more secure in what we have, I think the security I should focus on is in how deliberate the process of being in this relationship has been. It wasn't a surge of emotions, it was a conscious decision to start something. It has been cared for with the hope of sustainability. He is all I have ever wanted in partner. I love the person I have become since dating him. He makes me better, he pushes me without even realizing it. I absolutely adore him and everything about him is perfect for me.
If slow and steady really wins the race, I am in. I am right where I want to be with an amazing person. I am terrified because he could shatter my heart but I know if by some chance that happened I would survive. We have a real shot. I have a real shot at a relationship I have worked hard to protect and have cherished every moment of its creation.
Cheers, to being the tortoise!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Juggling... Work, Motherhood and a 25 Year Old Something
I AM SO FRUSTRATED! It's 75% job, 15% motherhood and 10% boy. Does that add up to 100? The major stress really is work... I am so unbelievably frustrated with my job. I work for a dickhead, who employs a bunch of dickheads that would be a little more secure in his position as an authority figure if he wasn't such a shitty manager. But hey, that is just my opinion.
I am pissed at how I have been treated, I am pissed at the blatantly unfair double standard I am being held to and I am SUPER pissed at the closed door meetings with my direct report so he can probe into my conversations with his superior. God! I am so pissed!
The kind of job I have takes a lot of mental resiliency. An ability to let things just, go. I am not good at this, never have been, I am way too emotional, but I am good at my job. I do well with people at least initially, I always joke about how well I interview. I have honed an innate ability to make you (or anyone for that matter) feel like a friend. I can build rapport faster than most and with a genuine level of sincerity.
I am frustrated with my environment and I am having a hard time blocking it out so I can function on all cylinders. I have resolved to try, that is all I can do.
The 15% motherhood is a combination of frustration and guilt. I miss the monster when she is gone. We are like two peas in a pod but as with every year the 2 weeks right before school starts are the hardest. Summer camps are over so we don't really have anything structured to do with her. My fabulous ex-husband and I both work early and long hours. We have gotten to where we rely heavily on his fiance or as I like to call her, "the nanny."
Every year I am torn between keeping her on my regularly scheduled nights all night and letting her stay with her dad. If she stays with him her last few weeks of summer don't involve waking up at 6:30 to get back to her dad's by 7ish. So, in an effort to be a good mom, our normal schedule goes out the window and I see her less. It's only temporary but it drives me crazy. I miss her like mad. She's fine, I know she is fine. The guilt comes in because I know it isn't extra daddy time she is getting when these weeks happen. It is extra nanny time. His schedule rarely varies from 60 hours a week so I feel bad that I am not in a better position to take time off for her in these last precious moments of summer.
The 10% boy is mostly in my head. JFK amazes me. He is such a great supporter in all things. He has been a steady ear through my stressful uncertainty at the office trying to push me to the other side. I know he has gone above and beyond in his moments of motivation. I really am so lucky to have him in my life.
My new found fear is probably ridiculous but a source of anxiety nonetheless. I am terrified the uncertainty and negativity spewing from the instability that is my career is going to have an adverse effect on my relationship. In no way do I want my work life to spill over into my personal life in a manner at which it might damage this great thing JFK and I have going.
I want to be able to seek his advice and confide in him my frustrations but I never want my fear of the unknown to be an unattractive flaw of my character. I am human but I still want to seem like I magically have everything under control. I just don't want all this to have a negative impact on the ease dating JFK has been over the past few months.
I am worried about this, it adds to my anxiety and I want to bring it up with out sounding insecure because it's not insecurity it is a protective instinct. I know regardless of what happens at this current company I will land "up and to the right." I am being more proactive than reactive, I have committed to trying my best to make my current position sustainable. I don't want to come off as needy even though I really do look to him as a positive outlet for my stress.
I love being able to vent to him, I just don't want to overstep that courtesy. His career is so important and I am his biggest fan. I think he is incredible at what he does and I want his focus to be on reaching his goals. I never want to be a distraction. I don't want my current instability career-wise to be the demise of our perfectly healthy relationship. So, I hope he takes it all for what it is, he knows how much I appreciate his support and opinions.
In all aspects life is a juggling act. I feel like the balls of career, parenthood and relationship are in constant motion and I am just doing the best I can not to drop one. I really am in the place I want to be, I just have to figure out how to lighten the load a bit. How to not have my career a watermelon and the other two golf balls. It's hard to juggle without balance. I need my balance back... I know this is temporary, I know I am taking the necessary steps to insulate myself from catastrophe but really, life is hard. Being an adult is not nearly all it's cracked up to be.
I am pissed at how I have been treated, I am pissed at the blatantly unfair double standard I am being held to and I am SUPER pissed at the closed door meetings with my direct report so he can probe into my conversations with his superior. God! I am so pissed!
The kind of job I have takes a lot of mental resiliency. An ability to let things just, go. I am not good at this, never have been, I am way too emotional, but I am good at my job. I do well with people at least initially, I always joke about how well I interview. I have honed an innate ability to make you (or anyone for that matter) feel like a friend. I can build rapport faster than most and with a genuine level of sincerity.
I am frustrated with my environment and I am having a hard time blocking it out so I can function on all cylinders. I have resolved to try, that is all I can do.
The 15% motherhood is a combination of frustration and guilt. I miss the monster when she is gone. We are like two peas in a pod but as with every year the 2 weeks right before school starts are the hardest. Summer camps are over so we don't really have anything structured to do with her. My fabulous ex-husband and I both work early and long hours. We have gotten to where we rely heavily on his fiance or as I like to call her, "the nanny."
Every year I am torn between keeping her on my regularly scheduled nights all night and letting her stay with her dad. If she stays with him her last few weeks of summer don't involve waking up at 6:30 to get back to her dad's by 7ish. So, in an effort to be a good mom, our normal schedule goes out the window and I see her less. It's only temporary but it drives me crazy. I miss her like mad. She's fine, I know she is fine. The guilt comes in because I know it isn't extra daddy time she is getting when these weeks happen. It is extra nanny time. His schedule rarely varies from 60 hours a week so I feel bad that I am not in a better position to take time off for her in these last precious moments of summer.
The 10% boy is mostly in my head. JFK amazes me. He is such a great supporter in all things. He has been a steady ear through my stressful uncertainty at the office trying to push me to the other side. I know he has gone above and beyond in his moments of motivation. I really am so lucky to have him in my life.
My new found fear is probably ridiculous but a source of anxiety nonetheless. I am terrified the uncertainty and negativity spewing from the instability that is my career is going to have an adverse effect on my relationship. In no way do I want my work life to spill over into my personal life in a manner at which it might damage this great thing JFK and I have going.
I want to be able to seek his advice and confide in him my frustrations but I never want my fear of the unknown to be an unattractive flaw of my character. I am human but I still want to seem like I magically have everything under control. I just don't want all this to have a negative impact on the ease dating JFK has been over the past few months.
I am worried about this, it adds to my anxiety and I want to bring it up with out sounding insecure because it's not insecurity it is a protective instinct. I know regardless of what happens at this current company I will land "up and to the right." I am being more proactive than reactive, I have committed to trying my best to make my current position sustainable. I don't want to come off as needy even though I really do look to him as a positive outlet for my stress.
I love being able to vent to him, I just don't want to overstep that courtesy. His career is so important and I am his biggest fan. I think he is incredible at what he does and I want his focus to be on reaching his goals. I never want to be a distraction. I don't want my current instability career-wise to be the demise of our perfectly healthy relationship. So, I hope he takes it all for what it is, he knows how much I appreciate his support and opinions.
In all aspects life is a juggling act. I feel like the balls of career, parenthood and relationship are in constant motion and I am just doing the best I can not to drop one. I really am in the place I want to be, I just have to figure out how to lighten the load a bit. How to not have my career a watermelon and the other two golf balls. It's hard to juggle without balance. I need my balance back... I know this is temporary, I know I am taking the necessary steps to insulate myself from catastrophe but really, life is hard. Being an adult is not nearly all it's cracked up to be.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
JFK breaks my heart, sooner rather than later... How is that better?
I really do know how to play the game. I really could do this whole back and forth girl manipulation thing that is encoded in my DNA. I don't want to... I want to tell you exactly how I feel and that be OK. I want the same results from my honesty as I would get if I just blew you off and "regained control." I don't want to mess around... I want this relationship to work as it is... Why is that so hard?
JFK and I, well I guess we ended it. After, probably the most honest emotional conversation he has ever had, we called it quits. He called it quits. This is going to sound like a cop-out, like a scene from that stupid movie, "He's Just Not That into You!" The part where the girls give each other all the uplifting excuses for why they got dumped.
Here goes: HE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ME. I am dead fucking serious. He doesn't want to disappoint me and he can't stand the thought of hurting me in the long run, so maybe just cutting it off now we can salvage a friendship.
O I am pissed... You know I hadn't pressed this subject, I hadn't forced to much of an emotional connection because this is what I was afraid of, I was afraid his fear of hurting me would lead to him, actually hurting me and sooner, rather than later. I get it... You don't like being the bad guy. No one does but what we have is really fucking awesome. It's good and surprisingly healthy based on an actual friendship and mutual respect. Neither one of us, have had relationships like this and as far as I can tell, this one is working and working well.
But NO. You want to bow out gracefully because you care for me and you don't want to fucking hurt me. This little bit of discomfort I feel now is far better than 4, 5, 6, 10 months from now, when you do something to screw it up. FUCK YOU!
Like I said, I know how to play the game. When the gantlet came down and the decision was made, we should "just be friends" I should have turned around and walked away. I shouldn't have continued to try and figure out why, or if this was a reversible verdict. I should have just said OK and walked away. I should have left you to stew in those, feelings- Your Feelings, but I didn't.
By the time I did walk away, we were both just emotionally exhausted, neither getting an outcome they were actually happy with. I had that about to cry knot in my throat and emotions pooling around my eyes, so I just walked away. But there is something about you, that makes it impossible for me to cry. I couldn't muster a damn tear once I was on my own. I paced the kitchen and all I could think is, I know he cares for me, I know he likes what we have, why is he doing this?
I made mistake number 2, I called... This conversation continued where it left off, talking in circles. Both parties hurt and for the same reason, we are simultaneously living what we were both afraid of and we are doing it by choice. Instead of living we have let the "what if" dictate the end of the perfectly wonderful connection we have.
I realize I am tired and crawl into bed but I know that you are thinking about how you hurt me and all the things you have to get done. I know you're stress level is through the roof and it hurts me even more to think that I am a part of the cause as opposed to the solution. So I text you and it's a pretty playful text. I'm being lighthearted and funny. You are reciprocating... I fall asleep. I never cry and I just sleep.
I woke up this morning thinking about coffee and how I wanted to see you and if I had my way, you would just apologize and say you're a dickhead, which we both know to be true. But I don't have my way, I don't know what all this means... I do know this:
I know you want to maintain our friendship, you think we can still have and do all the same things, minus the sex, which you admittedly want too but will abstain from to avoid further confusion. You want us still have dinner and drinks and talk and be friends, like nothing ever happened. I can't do that at least not right now.
I don't want this unnecessary ending to virtually the healthiest relationship I have been in, maybe ever. I can go through the motions. I can act like we are bff and pretend to be OK without the sex and the commitment to not see other people-naked or with the intent of seeing them naked. But all that I feel for you and all that I want will still be there. It's not just going to go away. I am not a guy, there is not a magic switch that goes from caring about someone in a romantic way to strictly platonic.
So if this is what you, so be it. I am not going to try and sell you on the positives of being in this relationship, I can't. I tried. But I can't be your friend either. So that space I would need to get over you screwing up at some distant point in the future. I will have to have now. I will need to move on from you before I can be your friend, or nothing will have changed at least not on my end and then you really are at risk of actually hurting me.
We can do this now, or do it later, or maybe, just maybe not do it at all. You might look at this little thing we have going and realize I am not your last two girl friends, or that waitress you were screwing. You just might remember that all this started months ago and has been pretty great. You get to be selfish and have lots of time to yourself to lay on your couch or go see your parents or be an idiot with the guys. And I get to focus on work, being more sound financially, reaching the goals I have set for myself as an independent and still have this amazing guy in my life. I still get to go on dates and have some one to cheer me on as I become more accomplished. We get the comfort of this friendship, of having someone who honestly cares about the other person's needs and feelings. You get me, the biggest cheerleader you will ever know, that wants you to be as successful as you want to be and I get you to motivate me when I just don't want to do the daily grind. I think what we have is absolutely perfect and if it means being OK with you going into "phone off mode" for a weekend to study or go on a golf trip, so be it.
I am willing to make some compromises, not the big stuff that would make me feel like I am settling but little shit, that makes you more comfortable, I will do that. Just like you do on occasion for me. That's what it's all about.
But if it's done and it is really just done... I gotta move on. I gotta find the resolve to let the feelings I do have for you go and put you in the friend zone. I can't just go from dating to not dating and have the only difference be you don't feel like you are going to disappoint me and I'm not getting laid. That's not fair... I can pretend to do it but in the long run, I really will hate you.
JFK and I, well I guess we ended it. After, probably the most honest emotional conversation he has ever had, we called it quits. He called it quits. This is going to sound like a cop-out, like a scene from that stupid movie, "He's Just Not That into You!" The part where the girls give each other all the uplifting excuses for why they got dumped.
Here goes: HE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ME. I am dead fucking serious. He doesn't want to disappoint me and he can't stand the thought of hurting me in the long run, so maybe just cutting it off now we can salvage a friendship.
O I am pissed... You know I hadn't pressed this subject, I hadn't forced to much of an emotional connection because this is what I was afraid of, I was afraid his fear of hurting me would lead to him, actually hurting me and sooner, rather than later. I get it... You don't like being the bad guy. No one does but what we have is really fucking awesome. It's good and surprisingly healthy based on an actual friendship and mutual respect. Neither one of us, have had relationships like this and as far as I can tell, this one is working and working well.
But NO. You want to bow out gracefully because you care for me and you don't want to fucking hurt me. This little bit of discomfort I feel now is far better than 4, 5, 6, 10 months from now, when you do something to screw it up. FUCK YOU!
Like I said, I know how to play the game. When the gantlet came down and the decision was made, we should "just be friends" I should have turned around and walked away. I shouldn't have continued to try and figure out why, or if this was a reversible verdict. I should have just said OK and walked away. I should have left you to stew in those, feelings- Your Feelings, but I didn't.
By the time I did walk away, we were both just emotionally exhausted, neither getting an outcome they were actually happy with. I had that about to cry knot in my throat and emotions pooling around my eyes, so I just walked away. But there is something about you, that makes it impossible for me to cry. I couldn't muster a damn tear once I was on my own. I paced the kitchen and all I could think is, I know he cares for me, I know he likes what we have, why is he doing this?
I made mistake number 2, I called... This conversation continued where it left off, talking in circles. Both parties hurt and for the same reason, we are simultaneously living what we were both afraid of and we are doing it by choice. Instead of living we have let the "what if" dictate the end of the perfectly wonderful connection we have.
I realize I am tired and crawl into bed but I know that you are thinking about how you hurt me and all the things you have to get done. I know you're stress level is through the roof and it hurts me even more to think that I am a part of the cause as opposed to the solution. So I text you and it's a pretty playful text. I'm being lighthearted and funny. You are reciprocating... I fall asleep. I never cry and I just sleep.
I woke up this morning thinking about coffee and how I wanted to see you and if I had my way, you would just apologize and say you're a dickhead, which we both know to be true. But I don't have my way, I don't know what all this means... I do know this:
I know you want to maintain our friendship, you think we can still have and do all the same things, minus the sex, which you admittedly want too but will abstain from to avoid further confusion. You want us still have dinner and drinks and talk and be friends, like nothing ever happened. I can't do that at least not right now.
I don't want this unnecessary ending to virtually the healthiest relationship I have been in, maybe ever. I can go through the motions. I can act like we are bff and pretend to be OK without the sex and the commitment to not see other people-naked or with the intent of seeing them naked. But all that I feel for you and all that I want will still be there. It's not just going to go away. I am not a guy, there is not a magic switch that goes from caring about someone in a romantic way to strictly platonic.
So if this is what you, so be it. I am not going to try and sell you on the positives of being in this relationship, I can't. I tried. But I can't be your friend either. So that space I would need to get over you screwing up at some distant point in the future. I will have to have now. I will need to move on from you before I can be your friend, or nothing will have changed at least not on my end and then you really are at risk of actually hurting me.
We can do this now, or do it later, or maybe, just maybe not do it at all. You might look at this little thing we have going and realize I am not your last two girl friends, or that waitress you were screwing. You just might remember that all this started months ago and has been pretty great. You get to be selfish and have lots of time to yourself to lay on your couch or go see your parents or be an idiot with the guys. And I get to focus on work, being more sound financially, reaching the goals I have set for myself as an independent and still have this amazing guy in my life. I still get to go on dates and have some one to cheer me on as I become more accomplished. We get the comfort of this friendship, of having someone who honestly cares about the other person's needs and feelings. You get me, the biggest cheerleader you will ever know, that wants you to be as successful as you want to be and I get you to motivate me when I just don't want to do the daily grind. I think what we have is absolutely perfect and if it means being OK with you going into "phone off mode" for a weekend to study or go on a golf trip, so be it.
I am willing to make some compromises, not the big stuff that would make me feel like I am settling but little shit, that makes you more comfortable, I will do that. Just like you do on occasion for me. That's what it's all about.
But if it's done and it is really just done... I gotta move on. I gotta find the resolve to let the feelings I do have for you go and put you in the friend zone. I can't just go from dating to not dating and have the only difference be you don't feel like you are going to disappoint me and I'm not getting laid. That's not fair... I can pretend to do it but in the long run, I really will hate you.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Casually Dating
CASUALLY DATING it's suppose to be fun and easy, low maintenance, relaxed without a lot of obligations and expectations. It is the simple time when you are first getting to know a person. You casually date. No pressure. No agenda. Just you and the person you are mildly attracted to enough to want to see on occasion.
I have been casually dating JFK for months now. Yes real, live, whole, plural MONTHS. This isn't one of those Zero to Common Law Relationships with a 3 to 6 week life span, ending in deception and anger. This is a slow moving, mildly paced, getting to know you relationship.
I do not know how to casually date but I am trying. I am trying so hard and maybe that is a part of the problem, I am having to try to be this easy going girl that I, innately am not. I think all this trying to be laid back is actually having the opposite effect on me. In fact, I know it is not working for me because I went plum-crazy on JFK today.
Short story long... JFK lives in this massive apartment complex you can see off the highway. I pass it, frequently driving 55 mph and every time I pass I glance over... I don't know why I do this. I just do. It's kind of like how I can't pass 15th and New Haven without checking out the childhood house I grew up in, or how I can see if my Dad's second wife is at home flying down cherry street. I look, I always know if Mr. Taco's car is at his restaurant when I cross the bridge. I have been to JFK's apartment enough times to have the general idea of where his apartment would be from the highway view. That is just how my cognitive schema works.
Today, I pass his apartment, glance to my right and I see his truck. My mind goes into over drive:
'He was out of town when I talked to him this morning, he said nothing about coming back to Tulsa... Wait, No. Nothing.'
'He has one appointment and two phone calls this afternoon but nothing about being home.'
'Oh My God, he lied to me.'
'Why would he lie to me, does he seriously not want to see me so desperately that he thought he should lie and say he was at his parents when he is really right here in town?'
Needless to say this neurotic flood of emotions triggers an even more outlandish response: an anxiety attack. My chest is tight. I'm on the verge of tears. I can't focus on anything other than if that is really his truck. I just need to either be mad and be done with his ass, or figure out what is going on. So, I call him. No answer. Wait a few minutes, head on to my 2:00 appointment. Calm my nerves and think I can get through this, that has to be the most popular color for the most popular truck in America. It's fine.
At my 2:00 appointment I function just fine. I am probably a little more to the point with a lot less, cheesy getting to know you bullshit but I handle myself. I am after all a functioning member of society. I have about 30 mins to kill before my next need for professionalism and this need for clarity is making me a wreck. I need to know.
I text the "call me, now if possible" ominous text message.
He responds immediately, "I can call you in about 30."
"If I do not answer I will call you after my 3:00. But we do need to talk the sooner the better."
Three dings at once, "What's Up?" "Ok" "Everything Ok?"
"No. I don't know." an honest response from me but elusive for sure.
"What? Hold on I will just call these people back."
Reading this is the first moment my terrified rage turns to shame and I think about what I am doing. I still have to know, it is over powering me, but I now start thinking of what will happen if this bit of crazy is too much for him. He really is amazing. These thoughts begin battling with my accusations of deception and before I can come up with a reply, he calls.
I answer with, I am so sorry, I didn't mean for you to get off the phone with work. He explains who it was and that it was no big deal. I then say something along the lines of, "Answer me honestly, are you in Tulsa?" He says, "Yes. I am at my apartment." So matter-of-fact-ly I am just pissed. "You didn't tell me you were coming home and I was driving to my appointment and looked over and saw your truck from the highway." I explained the entire thought process, he told me he was home, sitting on his couch, working, in his underwear and to chill out. He is heading back out of town but he had meetings today, he told me that, just not that they were in Tulsa.
I calm down and try to explain myself although I am somewhere between embarrassed and scared of the consequences of my outburst. But F*ck. This is me. I even know where this crazy tendency stems from. I know why this gave me such a heightened emotional response. I know whose fault this is!... Mr. Toilet! AND I HATE HIM FOR IT!!
I hate that I put the transgressions of men from my past onto JFK. I hate that there is this new quirky insecurity that is there because of what a specific person once did to break me. I hate that I cannot control it enough to get past it and the best I have been able to do, to date is recognize when I am acting this way and hope the person I am with can handle it.
I keep calling myself crazy, but in reality I am not crazy. I am experienced. Some of those experiences are good and some are bad but all have shaped me. I am a confident, independent fun loving women, with a lot going for me. Some times I need an hour conversation with one of my best guy friends to remind me, that not only do I have game (I landed JFK) but I am totally amazing and he knows it, because he is dating me.
Freaking out over JFK being in town and not telling me is just one of my many quirks I am sure but hopefully this was just a learning experience. There is a lot we don't know about each other. A lot I hope to learn as this moves forward. I am hoping this lapse in communication gave him a little insight. He seems to know how to deal with me, so far.
I have been casually dating JFK for months now. Yes real, live, whole, plural MONTHS. This isn't one of those Zero to Common Law Relationships with a 3 to 6 week life span, ending in deception and anger. This is a slow moving, mildly paced, getting to know you relationship.
I do not know how to casually date but I am trying. I am trying so hard and maybe that is a part of the problem, I am having to try to be this easy going girl that I, innately am not. I think all this trying to be laid back is actually having the opposite effect on me. In fact, I know it is not working for me because I went plum-crazy on JFK today.
Short story long... JFK lives in this massive apartment complex you can see off the highway. I pass it, frequently driving 55 mph and every time I pass I glance over... I don't know why I do this. I just do. It's kind of like how I can't pass 15th and New Haven without checking out the childhood house I grew up in, or how I can see if my Dad's second wife is at home flying down cherry street. I look, I always know if Mr. Taco's car is at his restaurant when I cross the bridge. I have been to JFK's apartment enough times to have the general idea of where his apartment would be from the highway view. That is just how my cognitive schema works.
Today, I pass his apartment, glance to my right and I see his truck. My mind goes into over drive:
'He was out of town when I talked to him this morning, he said nothing about coming back to Tulsa... Wait, No. Nothing.'
'He has one appointment and two phone calls this afternoon but nothing about being home.'
'Oh My God, he lied to me.'
'Why would he lie to me, does he seriously not want to see me so desperately that he thought he should lie and say he was at his parents when he is really right here in town?'
Needless to say this neurotic flood of emotions triggers an even more outlandish response: an anxiety attack. My chest is tight. I'm on the verge of tears. I can't focus on anything other than if that is really his truck. I just need to either be mad and be done with his ass, or figure out what is going on. So, I call him. No answer. Wait a few minutes, head on to my 2:00 appointment. Calm my nerves and think I can get through this, that has to be the most popular color for the most popular truck in America. It's fine.
At my 2:00 appointment I function just fine. I am probably a little more to the point with a lot less, cheesy getting to know you bullshit but I handle myself. I am after all a functioning member of society. I have about 30 mins to kill before my next need for professionalism and this need for clarity is making me a wreck. I need to know.
I text the "call me, now if possible" ominous text message.
He responds immediately, "I can call you in about 30."
"If I do not answer I will call you after my 3:00. But we do need to talk the sooner the better."
Three dings at once, "What's Up?" "Ok" "Everything Ok?"
"No. I don't know." an honest response from me but elusive for sure.
"What? Hold on I will just call these people back."
Reading this is the first moment my terrified rage turns to shame and I think about what I am doing. I still have to know, it is over powering me, but I now start thinking of what will happen if this bit of crazy is too much for him. He really is amazing. These thoughts begin battling with my accusations of deception and before I can come up with a reply, he calls.
I answer with, I am so sorry, I didn't mean for you to get off the phone with work. He explains who it was and that it was no big deal. I then say something along the lines of, "Answer me honestly, are you in Tulsa?" He says, "Yes. I am at my apartment." So matter-of-fact-ly I am just pissed. "You didn't tell me you were coming home and I was driving to my appointment and looked over and saw your truck from the highway." I explained the entire thought process, he told me he was home, sitting on his couch, working, in his underwear and to chill out. He is heading back out of town but he had meetings today, he told me that, just not that they were in Tulsa.
I calm down and try to explain myself although I am somewhere between embarrassed and scared of the consequences of my outburst. But F*ck. This is me. I even know where this crazy tendency stems from. I know why this gave me such a heightened emotional response. I know whose fault this is!... Mr. Toilet! AND I HATE HIM FOR IT!!
I hate that I put the transgressions of men from my past onto JFK. I hate that there is this new quirky insecurity that is there because of what a specific person once did to break me. I hate that I cannot control it enough to get past it and the best I have been able to do, to date is recognize when I am acting this way and hope the person I am with can handle it.
I keep calling myself crazy, but in reality I am not crazy. I am experienced. Some of those experiences are good and some are bad but all have shaped me. I am a confident, independent fun loving women, with a lot going for me. Some times I need an hour conversation with one of my best guy friends to remind me, that not only do I have game (I landed JFK) but I am totally amazing and he knows it, because he is dating me.
Freaking out over JFK being in town and not telling me is just one of my many quirks I am sure but hopefully this was just a learning experience. There is a lot we don't know about each other. A lot I hope to learn as this moves forward. I am hoping this lapse in communication gave him a little insight. He seems to know how to deal with me, so far.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Do's and Dont's of Divorce
I am "friends" with this couple on Facebook. By friends I mean they have a son the same age as my daughter. We cheered for the football team he played for last season. We are more accurately passing acquaintances through the school our children go to, than actual friends.
This couple is going through a divorce, which by all accounts is tragic but I have never and I mean NEVER seen such immature behavior from two grown adults. I feel so strongly about this public display of break up maddness that I am writing The Do's and Dont's of Divorce, maybe more appropriately, Just the Dont's.
This little blog post is an open letter to the Canadian Couple about how screwed up their situation has become:
This little blog post is an open letter to the Canadian Couple about how screwed up their situation has become:
Dear Mr. and Mrs Canada (they are both originally from Canada hence the nickname),
In recent months my Facebook news feed has become bombarded with the drama that has consumed your relationship. First, I would like to say, I realize I have the power to delete you as friends, or hide your posts from my timeline but in all honesty, it's like a reality TV series I have become addicted to keeping up with... That being said, I will completely understand your desire to remove me as soon as you finish this letter because I am about to give you a big ol' dose of "My Opinion."
Since this separation has been so well documented for your 800 collective friends I think it is fair you blatantly see what other people have the privilege of judging throughout their days. I haven't spoken to either of you more than a handful of times, ever. But look at all I know about your relationship!
The Beginning: A few months back, the posting of passive aggressive Internet ecards and posters began directed at each other. Mostly about believing whatever you want and not giving a damn about what any one else thinks. Lots of quotes I consider of the "more power to me" and "your opinion of me has no effect on my life" variety.
Then comes the overly descriptive status up dates about Mr. Canada needing help with his anger issues. Ultimately eluding to his abusive tendencies. As well as, the son (the poor, poor NINE year old son) choosing sides, not wanting to be around his father and that this will all be over soon. As the mom thanks her close friends for their support and mentions this all coming out when The Son has to testify, we now know this kid is in for the worst possible kind of divorce- custody issues and witness testimony.
I draw the conclusion that at some point Mr. Canada thought Mrs. Canada was screwing around but whether or not she actually was is not yet published. What we do know is that in recent weeks there is a guy hanging around with her. He may or may not have started a marriage ending torrid love affair but a new male presence has been detected.
In the midst of "under directions from my attorney posts" we have come to see that this man, is accompanying her to her home for "protection" or as I like to think of it, "the severe pissing off of her future ex-husband."
We know she lost her job and has no money and has wrecked her car... all of which are Mr. Canada's fault in some way or another. Maybe not the car wreck part but totally the money and job, he sabotaged for her.
He changed the alarm codes on the house, so she wouldn't know them. She put the house on the market, as quickly as possible. He's getting a "man cave" for him and his son. She is looking for a job and a new place to live. He didn't make his bed before the inspections of the house that is now under contract... blah, blah, blah...
The "I miss my son" posts from both parties, although probably from a genuine place are the most ridiculous to me. They left their kid for the summer with relatives in Canada, while they hash this out. Father of the year over there, cut the kid off from his Facebook a few months into this feud so no permanent damage might be done. First of all, the kid, going into forth grade mind you, HAS A FREAKING FACEBOOK. What is wrong with you people!!! I really am not wanting to judge your parenting but the whole reason to get divorced is to save the kid from a miserable childhood. You guys are ruining his life.
While he is undoubtedly enjoying the surplus of time with his extended family, he must know that his parents are going through a very messy, public divorce. So instead of being face to face to reassure him of the positive aspects in his change in his life. They leave him with a lot of unknowns and what would personally, send me into a childhood anxiety disorder.
You all are fucking this whole thing up BIG TIME. Pardon my language, I try not cuss on my blog but HOLY FUCK!... This is America. The divorce rate is pretty astronomical, the fact that is it happening to him and his family is not that big of a deal. Kids know about it, they are actually quite use to it. The gargantuan mistake You are making is in how you are treating each other and the public outlet you are using to air this filthy nasty dirty laundry.
I am no Facebook saint, I found out my Douche of a boyfriend was cheating on me back in April of 2011 and let that mo-fo have it in a embarrassing display of immaturity and with a little help from my friends, all over my Facebook wall. I even mentioned his need for Viagra... It was vindictive but classic.
Then again, he was out of my life forever. My daughter had no idea what was going on, she can't get any where near a Facebook page without fearing the wrath of her father. Really, no harm to the kid, just a ding on my image and within 24 hours of clarity (and a blog post) I took it down.
You will also notice I have never, not even once, made a derogatory comment about my ex-husband. We had our own mess of a divorce (I was only 22 and a fire ball of rage, emotions, hurt and hormones) but in all honesty our relationship is stronger now than ever, solely for our precious daughters sake. I love that man, I couldn't do this parenting thing without him. He's a bad ass. I am glad we aren't married, but I picked a great guy to procreate with... Yay! Me!
I have some advice for you both... Delete your Facebooks the damage is done, cut your losses, and get out. Your attorneys are going to take every last cent they can letting you fight this thing out in court creating more issues and ammunition to throw at each other.
No matter what happened to make the marriage end, you two have to learn how to co-parent. It is going to be real difficult to show a united front against the transgressions of a teenage boy when he has this bull-shit excuse for parenting to throw back in your face.
You are role models, that kid looks up to you and every horrible thing you say about the other parent is a reflection on him. The last thing you would ever want to do is hurt your child. So remembering, that he is HALF the other person, they are HALF his identity, might curb those public jabs, just a smidgen. Next, get that kid home. The unknown is by far the scariest part of a divorce for a child. Trust me, I was 8, I remember.
The absolute best piece of advise My Fabulous Ex-Husband and I ever received was from some one who said, "If you two were so hell bent on making each others lives miserable, you should have stayed married." TRUTH. It's done, you are both hurt, that is no ones business but your own and maybe a confidant you rely on to help you through such a tragic time.
Divorce is the death of a family unit, mourn it with grace and dignity. It is the least you can do out of respect for what you once had or maybe just out of respect for the great son you created.
By all accounts I wish you the best and hope you figure this whole thing out. I have always assumed you were great parents, you have a wonderful son from the brief encounters I have had with him. I hope I wasn't too terribly inappropriate with this letter. I have made so many, SO MANY mistakes in my short 29 years of life. I am merely hoping you can just learn from some of them as opposed to repeating them to your own detriment.
Again, I know this is your personal life and it is none of my business. I am not trying to bash you, so much as, maybe enlighten you to what people you don't even know, know about you.
All the Luck, Peace, and Love in the World,
Sunshine
The Beginning: A few months back, the posting of passive aggressive Internet ecards and posters began directed at each other. Mostly about believing whatever you want and not giving a damn about what any one else thinks. Lots of quotes I consider of the "more power to me" and "your opinion of me has no effect on my life" variety.
Then comes the overly descriptive status up dates about Mr. Canada needing help with his anger issues. Ultimately eluding to his abusive tendencies. As well as, the son (the poor, poor NINE year old son) choosing sides, not wanting to be around his father and that this will all be over soon. As the mom thanks her close friends for their support and mentions this all coming out when The Son has to testify, we now know this kid is in for the worst possible kind of divorce- custody issues and witness testimony.
I draw the conclusion that at some point Mr. Canada thought Mrs. Canada was screwing around but whether or not she actually was is not yet published. What we do know is that in recent weeks there is a guy hanging around with her. He may or may not have started a marriage ending torrid love affair but a new male presence has been detected.
In the midst of "under directions from my attorney posts" we have come to see that this man, is accompanying her to her home for "protection" or as I like to think of it, "the severe pissing off of her future ex-husband."
We know she lost her job and has no money and has wrecked her car... all of which are Mr. Canada's fault in some way or another. Maybe not the car wreck part but totally the money and job, he sabotaged for her.
He changed the alarm codes on the house, so she wouldn't know them. She put the house on the market, as quickly as possible. He's getting a "man cave" for him and his son. She is looking for a job and a new place to live. He didn't make his bed before the inspections of the house that is now under contract... blah, blah, blah...
The "I miss my son" posts from both parties, although probably from a genuine place are the most ridiculous to me. They left their kid for the summer with relatives in Canada, while they hash this out. Father of the year over there, cut the kid off from his Facebook a few months into this feud so no permanent damage might be done. First of all, the kid, going into forth grade mind you, HAS A FREAKING FACEBOOK. What is wrong with you people!!! I really am not wanting to judge your parenting but the whole reason to get divorced is to save the kid from a miserable childhood. You guys are ruining his life.
While he is undoubtedly enjoying the surplus of time with his extended family, he must know that his parents are going through a very messy, public divorce. So instead of being face to face to reassure him of the positive aspects in his change in his life. They leave him with a lot of unknowns and what would personally, send me into a childhood anxiety disorder.
You all are fucking this whole thing up BIG TIME. Pardon my language, I try not cuss on my blog but HOLY FUCK!... This is America. The divorce rate is pretty astronomical, the fact that is it happening to him and his family is not that big of a deal. Kids know about it, they are actually quite use to it. The gargantuan mistake You are making is in how you are treating each other and the public outlet you are using to air this filthy nasty dirty laundry.
I am no Facebook saint, I found out my Douche of a boyfriend was cheating on me back in April of 2011 and let that mo-fo have it in a embarrassing display of immaturity and with a little help from my friends, all over my Facebook wall. I even mentioned his need for Viagra... It was vindictive but classic.
Then again, he was out of my life forever. My daughter had no idea what was going on, she can't get any where near a Facebook page without fearing the wrath of her father. Really, no harm to the kid, just a ding on my image and within 24 hours of clarity (and a blog post) I took it down.
You will also notice I have never, not even once, made a derogatory comment about my ex-husband. We had our own mess of a divorce (I was only 22 and a fire ball of rage, emotions, hurt and hormones) but in all honesty our relationship is stronger now than ever, solely for our precious daughters sake. I love that man, I couldn't do this parenting thing without him. He's a bad ass. I am glad we aren't married, but I picked a great guy to procreate with... Yay! Me!
I have some advice for you both... Delete your Facebooks the damage is done, cut your losses, and get out. Your attorneys are going to take every last cent they can letting you fight this thing out in court creating more issues and ammunition to throw at each other.
No matter what happened to make the marriage end, you two have to learn how to co-parent. It is going to be real difficult to show a united front against the transgressions of a teenage boy when he has this bull-shit excuse for parenting to throw back in your face.
You are role models, that kid looks up to you and every horrible thing you say about the other parent is a reflection on him. The last thing you would ever want to do is hurt your child. So remembering, that he is HALF the other person, they are HALF his identity, might curb those public jabs, just a smidgen. Next, get that kid home. The unknown is by far the scariest part of a divorce for a child. Trust me, I was 8, I remember.
The absolute best piece of advise My Fabulous Ex-Husband and I ever received was from some one who said, "If you two were so hell bent on making each others lives miserable, you should have stayed married." TRUTH. It's done, you are both hurt, that is no ones business but your own and maybe a confidant you rely on to help you through such a tragic time.
Divorce is the death of a family unit, mourn it with grace and dignity. It is the least you can do out of respect for what you once had or maybe just out of respect for the great son you created.
By all accounts I wish you the best and hope you figure this whole thing out. I have always assumed you were great parents, you have a wonderful son from the brief encounters I have had with him. I hope I wasn't too terribly inappropriate with this letter. I have made so many, SO MANY mistakes in my short 29 years of life. I am merely hoping you can just learn from some of them as opposed to repeating them to your own detriment.
Again, I know this is your personal life and it is none of my business. I am not trying to bash you, so much as, maybe enlighten you to what people you don't even know, know about you.
All the Luck, Peace, and Love in the World,
Sunshine
Saturday, June 16, 2012
An Open Letter to My JFK
JFK and I met back in February, we had a coffee meeting, some failed Saturday night plans, and a few Happy Hours. Communication was sporadic until the very end of April when we set a business lunch, which led to another Saturday night plan, which has now led to us being something more than just friends... I don't really know what this something is but it's been going on for 6 weeks, to the day actually and I am needing to find out... What better way than... An Open Letter to JFK
My darling JFK,
We need to talk (insert cringe here- every guy hates these words)... I have been thinking about a few things. I need to address them and once I get it all on the table I am going to feel so much better. For the last couple weeks but mostly the last several days I have been a little frustrated with our situation.
First, I should say that this isn't some speech about me wanting more of a relationship. I am slightly frustrated with our lack of time together but honestly this one night a week thing and one lunch a week thing works for me. I like talking to you almost daily but to be clear this isn't intended to be some whiny needy push for a more serious relationship. I just want to explain my frustration, what I am hoping to accomplish and then find out where you are... and where ever that is will be fine.
I get that we both have these insanely busy schedules. I am confident they are not going to get much better but currently, I feel like this weird obligation. Something you have to squeeze in to appease me. I hate that, if you don't want to see me or spend time with me then don't. I'll get over it, I promise. I just don't like feeling like an appointment that fits into a neat little time slot.
The whole reason I have yet to really force a conversation about "us" is because more than anything I don't want to lose what we have. I respect you so much and I think you are absolutely amazing. Your work ethic is remarkable. The way you motivate me to push further and work harder in my career is unprecedented. Your understanding of outside sales and your ability to celebrate or commiserate with what's going on in my day is what draws me to you. This is the most attractive thing about you. The thought of losing you in that capacity is devastating and I really want to insure that it never happens.
But... We lack definition and I need definition because with out clear lines and boundaries we are both moving forward in a this relationship (friendship, FWB, business contacts, or whatever it is) without knowing the others' expectations. If we do not establish anything and just take on the whole go with the flow attitude which may seem easiest in your head, we are risking hurting the other persons' feelings unintentionally. Aside from the fact my mind wonders where ever it may so please and obviously, that is never a good idea. We need to figure out what this is, please.
If I take the current aspects of our scenario and just line them out it looks like this:
- We talk almost everyday
- We go out once a week for drinks or dinner and you always pay (by the way thank you)
- We sleep together, once a week but more times than not it is at a time other than when we go out for dinner or drinks. I state this because I want to be clear that every time we are together is not motivated solely by a sexual encounter.
- You send me motivational text messages every Thursday morning for my call session which I loathe but your little gems of encouragement, really do push me through that 4 hours.
- You are the anti-PDA and our public greetings are awkward side hugs.
- If I am being honest, I initiate more than 50% of the communication between us.
- We go over our schedules at the beginning of the week to find the possible holes that line up to see each other and then event invitations on our calendars are exchanged.
To me, this seems like we are dating. Not seriously dating, but dating. I'd like to think the slow progression is intentional and that we are forming a pretty tight little bond.
Since our free time is such a precious commodity, I want to know if you are doing this 'not serious dating' thing with anyone else. I also really want to know if you are sleeping with anyone else. I am not and I really don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people... That seems slutty and grosses me out.
I need a few little adjustments and a few questions answered to stave off this impending insecurity that is coming on full force. I am not insecure, well maybe I am but I try not to be. I am very independent and my life is very fulfilling without the need to be in a serious relationship.
With all that said, sorry for getting all bitchy tonight when plans didn't go my way.
xoxo
me
My darling JFK,
We need to talk (insert cringe here- every guy hates these words)... I have been thinking about a few things. I need to address them and once I get it all on the table I am going to feel so much better. For the last couple weeks but mostly the last several days I have been a little frustrated with our situation.
First, I should say that this isn't some speech about me wanting more of a relationship. I am slightly frustrated with our lack of time together but honestly this one night a week thing and one lunch a week thing works for me. I like talking to you almost daily but to be clear this isn't intended to be some whiny needy push for a more serious relationship. I just want to explain my frustration, what I am hoping to accomplish and then find out where you are... and where ever that is will be fine.
I get that we both have these insanely busy schedules. I am confident they are not going to get much better but currently, I feel like this weird obligation. Something you have to squeeze in to appease me. I hate that, if you don't want to see me or spend time with me then don't. I'll get over it, I promise. I just don't like feeling like an appointment that fits into a neat little time slot.
The whole reason I have yet to really force a conversation about "us" is because more than anything I don't want to lose what we have. I respect you so much and I think you are absolutely amazing. Your work ethic is remarkable. The way you motivate me to push further and work harder in my career is unprecedented. Your understanding of outside sales and your ability to celebrate or commiserate with what's going on in my day is what draws me to you. This is the most attractive thing about you. The thought of losing you in that capacity is devastating and I really want to insure that it never happens.
But... We lack definition and I need definition because with out clear lines and boundaries we are both moving forward in a this relationship (friendship, FWB, business contacts, or whatever it is) without knowing the others' expectations. If we do not establish anything and just take on the whole go with the flow attitude which may seem easiest in your head, we are risking hurting the other persons' feelings unintentionally. Aside from the fact my mind wonders where ever it may so please and obviously, that is never a good idea. We need to figure out what this is, please.
If I take the current aspects of our scenario and just line them out it looks like this:
- We talk almost everyday
- We go out once a week for drinks or dinner and you always pay (by the way thank you)
- We sleep together, once a week but more times than not it is at a time other than when we go out for dinner or drinks. I state this because I want to be clear that every time we are together is not motivated solely by a sexual encounter.
- You send me motivational text messages every Thursday morning for my call session which I loathe but your little gems of encouragement, really do push me through that 4 hours.
- You are the anti-PDA and our public greetings are awkward side hugs.
- If I am being honest, I initiate more than 50% of the communication between us.
- We go over our schedules at the beginning of the week to find the possible holes that line up to see each other and then event invitations on our calendars are exchanged.
To me, this seems like we are dating. Not seriously dating, but dating. I'd like to think the slow progression is intentional and that we are forming a pretty tight little bond.
Since our free time is such a precious commodity, I want to know if you are doing this 'not serious dating' thing with anyone else. I also really want to know if you are sleeping with anyone else. I am not and I really don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people... That seems slutty and grosses me out.
I need a few little adjustments and a few questions answered to stave off this impending insecurity that is coming on full force. I am not insecure, well maybe I am but I try not to be. I am very independent and my life is very fulfilling without the need to be in a serious relationship.
With all that said, sorry for getting all bitchy tonight when plans didn't go my way.
xoxo
me
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)