It's kind of the basis for my entire blog. My reason for writing. All
my best stories involve one and as humorous as I have learned to make
the ending of my crazy relationships, this one is hard. Breaking up with
a girl friend is not like ending a bad romance. Cutting people out of
your life because it's the best decision for all involved is painful.
To
understand this story, you need some history and our history is sorted.
I have had a falling out with this girl before; hateful hurtful words
have been exchanged. She has lashed out in a way that I have fought for
years to forget. Of course to blame her completely would be wrong but I
realize that the person I became in defending myself is someone I
hadn't seen before and I haven't seen since. I knew when we began
talking again and I was making the decision to allow her back into my
life, we would never be the same. She taught me the biggest lesson in
how what you say, you cannot take back and the damage can be permanent.
Now
I am not a girl friend kind of girl. The very few I have actually let
in, I really let in. I love, love my girl friends. I always want to be
there for them. I cannot imagine what the last year of my life would be
like without my champagne drinking best friend. She is so positive and
motivating. She knows when to put me in my place and when my wild ideas
are best ignored and they'll just go away. I respect her and who she is
constantly striving to be. She wont settle and she doesn't let me settle
for less then I deserve either.
A few years ago, when
the original fight took place, it was enough for me to write her off
forever. I didn't initiate a reconnection and it took several attempts
and a long conversation about what happened for me to want to maintain
any kind of friendship. But when it did come back around it wasn't the
same. I kept her at arms length for the most part. If I did confide in
her, it wasn't anything I wouldn't have written on this blog about.
Likewise,
she didn't call me unless she needed something or if I called her and
she ignored me for any period of time I knew she was hiding something.
It was either really bad and she didn't want me to know or going well
and she didn't need my support. It was constantly draining and I always
felt like I was giving and she was taking; there was nothing given in
return. Maybe it's because I wasn't actively seeking out a return but it
just didn't feel like there was anything positive being contributed to
my life.
Alright, this is starting to sound mean. I do
not mean for it too. I really hope that she gets everything she wants
out of life. But this life that she is living is not one that I would
choose, which is ok. I get that my opinion is just that, MY opinion. It
has no baring and should have no baring on how anyone lives their life.
I made the decision to completely disconnect from
this relationship after hearing a sermon at church (yes, I go to
church) on your five closest relationships. The gist was, show me the 5
people you are closest to and I will show you the direction your life
is heading. I got my 5 and I was happy to say, that they are some
quality cats. My life is looking good! But when I look at the reverse
and think about who I am closest to in my deep dark scary place; the
people who "don't judge" my poor decisions, I need to let them go.
I
am far from perfect, obviously. I spend lots of time dating the
completely wrong men over and over. I am finally in a career that I have
a shot at being successful. I am raising a little girl and I am sure I
have made mistakes as a parent. Financially I am just climbing out of
the hole I got myself into. I will be the first to admit... I am just as
flawed as the next person. I drink more than I should; I work out less
than I want; I date douche bags; I spend too much money on material
things; my credit is almost terrible. I am totally flawed BUT I try. I
have taken steps to better every aspect of my life, I realize my issues
and I work on them. I want to be around people who are the same way.
"If you're not growing you're dying."
"Deal and Heal."
"Live the life you dreamed of"
and all those other "be better than you are" quotes.
I
am sure there are people who have left my life for the same reason I am
leaving hers. It hurt me at first but it made me better. I took into
account the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I can be
proud of. I am thankful for the people that have been in my life at one
time or another. Sometimes you just have to let the things holding you
back go. It's selfishly about me and my life staying on course. It is
about protecting the emotional health I finally feel I am attaining.
