Relationships move at all different speeds. More times than not I find myself in the "zero to common law" paced relationship. I have a tendency to go from hello to playing house without much time in between and in my experience, these end as quickly as they begin.
My current relationship with JFK is quickly approaching the 4 month mark. Although, he only came to grips with the fact we are dating about a week and a half ago. The progression has been slow and for me a little trying because I have this tendency to want to get to the next step.
JFK and I met in mid February, became friends, and he finally asked me out on what could have been deemed a date on May 1st and kissed me for the first time standing in his apartment wearing a cowboy hat on Cinco de Mayo. Thus began the consistency of time together, communication and kissing.
At this same time 2 of my other good girl friends started dating boys too. Kiki began a whirlwind romance with a boy we shall call Carl, he reminds me of a grumpy old man a lot of the time so I think Carl is pretty fitting. My other girl friend needs a real sultry nickname or maybe I will just stick with stripper names for them... Jasmine! So, Jasmine started dating William, like the prince.
The first week of May was a good one for my little circle of girl friends. By the second week of may Kiki and Carl were in love. That may not be a literal time line; it may have been the third week but it was most definitely before Memorial Weekend. Jasmine and William started dropping the L-bomb about 3 weeks ago and the coordination of life plans and career plans quickly followed. JFK is on the complete other end of the spectrum, I got mad at him on Wednesday for yelling, "you are not my girlfriend," into the phone. He was partially saying it to get a reaction out of me but mostly because labels and this relationship scare the bageesus out of him. So we are far, far from the I love you's.
All this set up to talk about where we all are RIGHT NOW!... Kiki ended things with Carl last night. She is utterly heartbroken and destroyed. We haven't had a chance to talk about it but this relationship has had issues from the beginning. JFK deemed them "The Most Mismatched Couple on Earth." The differences in personality and the inability to communicate through difficult situations ultimately led to their demise. Kiki has slowly been pulling away but this final ripping off of the proverbial bandaid is crushing. What she is going through right now, I have been through several times before and it is something I never hope to experience again.
Prince William and Jasmine have started the co-habitation routine. They are staying together every night and he has essentially moved himself in... She likes her girl time though, so kicking him out at least once maybe twice a week is how she keeps her sanity. I think this little budding romance has some staying power if they can keep some semblance of separate lives.
JFK and I are the complete opposite. In 4 months we have stayed together overnight, three times. I think there were three other times we could have but didn't. I have met, um none of his friends and he has met Kiki and my couple best friends. So, the major players have been introduced but really that is within the last week. Our biggest fights come from me being mad at him because I am not even sure he likes me half the time. I bring this up once a month or so, but it has been a topic of conversation several times this week.
Of the three relationships, for the first time ever, I think mine has the best foundation. I have been so concerned for Kiki jumping into this thing the way she did and overlooking the red flags along the way. I think she got so caught up in the emotion and was so immediately in love with Carl that every thing she would have turned and walked away from immediately was covered in the blanket of unconditional love. If they weren't so busy looking at a future together, they would have noticed the characteristics that make them incompatible. It isn't really that he is a bad guy, it is that they are just not good together. But in 4 months they have gotten involved in each others families and circle of friends. So Kiki is going to field break up questions for weeks from all angles.
Prince William has a daughter and although Jasmine is totally cool with that, the daughter has a mother. A mother who has begun her quest to get her man back. This is just a relationship killer, no matter how you slice it, he has to keep peace with the mother of his child. They have to be able to co-parent, so more important than Jasmine is the well-being of his little girl. I think, she thinks, she gets that and is prepared but the stress and pressure and unhappy slightly crazy baby mama, can place on a relationship is unlike anything else in the world. It's relationship chriptonite, trust me, I've used it myself and so has My Fabulous Ex-Husband.
My slow and steady relationship seems to be the most balanced. Although, I am pretty sure I am falling in love with JFK and as much as I would like to assume that is mutual, finding an indicator that he is falling for me too is proving to be a tough task. I just take stock in the rare moments that he lets his guard down and I get a glimpse of venerability from him.
This week I have been on him about being committed to this or just letting me go. I have harped on him telling me how he feels and on Saturday got so mad, I was actually ready to let him walk away. I know I pushed him but I needed to know he was in this, that he is afraid of me breaking his heart, that he wants to be sure we are going last. He actually responded to one of my "when we are married in 5 years" jokes with, "We probably will be married in five years." (I think there was a "but" followed by something I needed to quit doing, like calling him honey in public. But I stopped listening to soak in that little gem.)
I wish I was a little more secure in what we have, I think the security I should focus on is in how deliberate the process of being in this relationship has been. It wasn't a surge of emotions, it was a conscious decision to start something. It has been cared for with the hope of sustainability. He is all I have ever wanted in partner. I love the person I have become since dating him. He makes me better, he pushes me without even realizing it. I absolutely adore him and everything about him is perfect for me.
If slow and steady really wins the race, I am in. I am right where I want to be with an amazing person. I am terrified because he could shatter my heart but I know if by some chance that happened I would survive. We have a real shot. I have a real shot at a relationship I have worked hard to protect and have cherished every moment of its creation.
Cheers, to being the tortoise!
Monday, August 27, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Juggling... Work, Motherhood and a 25 Year Old Something
I AM SO FRUSTRATED! It's 75% job, 15% motherhood and 10% boy. Does that add up to 100? The major stress really is work... I am so unbelievably frustrated with my job. I work for a dickhead, who employs a bunch of dickheads that would be a little more secure in his position as an authority figure if he wasn't such a shitty manager. But hey, that is just my opinion.
I am pissed at how I have been treated, I am pissed at the blatantly unfair double standard I am being held to and I am SUPER pissed at the closed door meetings with my direct report so he can probe into my conversations with his superior. God! I am so pissed!
The kind of job I have takes a lot of mental resiliency. An ability to let things just, go. I am not good at this, never have been, I am way too emotional, but I am good at my job. I do well with people at least initially, I always joke about how well I interview. I have honed an innate ability to make you (or anyone for that matter) feel like a friend. I can build rapport faster than most and with a genuine level of sincerity.
I am frustrated with my environment and I am having a hard time blocking it out so I can function on all cylinders. I have resolved to try, that is all I can do.
The 15% motherhood is a combination of frustration and guilt. I miss the monster when she is gone. We are like two peas in a pod but as with every year the 2 weeks right before school starts are the hardest. Summer camps are over so we don't really have anything structured to do with her. My fabulous ex-husband and I both work early and long hours. We have gotten to where we rely heavily on his fiance or as I like to call her, "the nanny."
Every year I am torn between keeping her on my regularly scheduled nights all night and letting her stay with her dad. If she stays with him her last few weeks of summer don't involve waking up at 6:30 to get back to her dad's by 7ish. So, in an effort to be a good mom, our normal schedule goes out the window and I see her less. It's only temporary but it drives me crazy. I miss her like mad. She's fine, I know she is fine. The guilt comes in because I know it isn't extra daddy time she is getting when these weeks happen. It is extra nanny time. His schedule rarely varies from 60 hours a week so I feel bad that I am not in a better position to take time off for her in these last precious moments of summer.
The 10% boy is mostly in my head. JFK amazes me. He is such a great supporter in all things. He has been a steady ear through my stressful uncertainty at the office trying to push me to the other side. I know he has gone above and beyond in his moments of motivation. I really am so lucky to have him in my life.
My new found fear is probably ridiculous but a source of anxiety nonetheless. I am terrified the uncertainty and negativity spewing from the instability that is my career is going to have an adverse effect on my relationship. In no way do I want my work life to spill over into my personal life in a manner at which it might damage this great thing JFK and I have going.
I want to be able to seek his advice and confide in him my frustrations but I never want my fear of the unknown to be an unattractive flaw of my character. I am human but I still want to seem like I magically have everything under control. I just don't want all this to have a negative impact on the ease dating JFK has been over the past few months.
I am worried about this, it adds to my anxiety and I want to bring it up with out sounding insecure because it's not insecurity it is a protective instinct. I know regardless of what happens at this current company I will land "up and to the right." I am being more proactive than reactive, I have committed to trying my best to make my current position sustainable. I don't want to come off as needy even though I really do look to him as a positive outlet for my stress.
I love being able to vent to him, I just don't want to overstep that courtesy. His career is so important and I am his biggest fan. I think he is incredible at what he does and I want his focus to be on reaching his goals. I never want to be a distraction. I don't want my current instability career-wise to be the demise of our perfectly healthy relationship. So, I hope he takes it all for what it is, he knows how much I appreciate his support and opinions.
In all aspects life is a juggling act. I feel like the balls of career, parenthood and relationship are in constant motion and I am just doing the best I can not to drop one. I really am in the place I want to be, I just have to figure out how to lighten the load a bit. How to not have my career a watermelon and the other two golf balls. It's hard to juggle without balance. I need my balance back... I know this is temporary, I know I am taking the necessary steps to insulate myself from catastrophe but really, life is hard. Being an adult is not nearly all it's cracked up to be.
I am pissed at how I have been treated, I am pissed at the blatantly unfair double standard I am being held to and I am SUPER pissed at the closed door meetings with my direct report so he can probe into my conversations with his superior. God! I am so pissed!
The kind of job I have takes a lot of mental resiliency. An ability to let things just, go. I am not good at this, never have been, I am way too emotional, but I am good at my job. I do well with people at least initially, I always joke about how well I interview. I have honed an innate ability to make you (or anyone for that matter) feel like a friend. I can build rapport faster than most and with a genuine level of sincerity.
I am frustrated with my environment and I am having a hard time blocking it out so I can function on all cylinders. I have resolved to try, that is all I can do.
The 15% motherhood is a combination of frustration and guilt. I miss the monster when she is gone. We are like two peas in a pod but as with every year the 2 weeks right before school starts are the hardest. Summer camps are over so we don't really have anything structured to do with her. My fabulous ex-husband and I both work early and long hours. We have gotten to where we rely heavily on his fiance or as I like to call her, "the nanny."
Every year I am torn between keeping her on my regularly scheduled nights all night and letting her stay with her dad. If she stays with him her last few weeks of summer don't involve waking up at 6:30 to get back to her dad's by 7ish. So, in an effort to be a good mom, our normal schedule goes out the window and I see her less. It's only temporary but it drives me crazy. I miss her like mad. She's fine, I know she is fine. The guilt comes in because I know it isn't extra daddy time she is getting when these weeks happen. It is extra nanny time. His schedule rarely varies from 60 hours a week so I feel bad that I am not in a better position to take time off for her in these last precious moments of summer.
The 10% boy is mostly in my head. JFK amazes me. He is such a great supporter in all things. He has been a steady ear through my stressful uncertainty at the office trying to push me to the other side. I know he has gone above and beyond in his moments of motivation. I really am so lucky to have him in my life.
My new found fear is probably ridiculous but a source of anxiety nonetheless. I am terrified the uncertainty and negativity spewing from the instability that is my career is going to have an adverse effect on my relationship. In no way do I want my work life to spill over into my personal life in a manner at which it might damage this great thing JFK and I have going.
I want to be able to seek his advice and confide in him my frustrations but I never want my fear of the unknown to be an unattractive flaw of my character. I am human but I still want to seem like I magically have everything under control. I just don't want all this to have a negative impact on the ease dating JFK has been over the past few months.
I am worried about this, it adds to my anxiety and I want to bring it up with out sounding insecure because it's not insecurity it is a protective instinct. I know regardless of what happens at this current company I will land "up and to the right." I am being more proactive than reactive, I have committed to trying my best to make my current position sustainable. I don't want to come off as needy even though I really do look to him as a positive outlet for my stress.
I love being able to vent to him, I just don't want to overstep that courtesy. His career is so important and I am his biggest fan. I think he is incredible at what he does and I want his focus to be on reaching his goals. I never want to be a distraction. I don't want my current instability career-wise to be the demise of our perfectly healthy relationship. So, I hope he takes it all for what it is, he knows how much I appreciate his support and opinions.
In all aspects life is a juggling act. I feel like the balls of career, parenthood and relationship are in constant motion and I am just doing the best I can not to drop one. I really am in the place I want to be, I just have to figure out how to lighten the load a bit. How to not have my career a watermelon and the other two golf balls. It's hard to juggle without balance. I need my balance back... I know this is temporary, I know I am taking the necessary steps to insulate myself from catastrophe but really, life is hard. Being an adult is not nearly all it's cracked up to be.
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