I’VE BEEN KIND OF AN EMOTIONAL INTROSPECTIVE MESS THIS WEEK. Not sure where all my feelings are pouring from but I’m doing my best to manage and not heap every thought onto the people I love. Writing is becoming more consistent. Reading is becoming a much larger part of my life. I think I’m in a good headspace.
I use this blog to write about relationships and then men I date. Mostly towards the beginning or end. Recap or excitement, not a lot of deep self reflection in the midst of these love affairs.
Some times I go through some really heavy shit and it’s months or years later before I want to write about it. It takes me a while to unpack the the deception and abuse I’ve endured over the years. I think I might have trouble acknowledging my roll of allowing behavior to continue. I think I wrap it in the nobility of unconditional love and grace but really it’s not the way God or anyone who cares for me would ever intend I live.
But true to pattern, new relationship, lots of feelings and emotions rolling around, excitement and expectations. Hope of the promise of new and a different relationship so I have a lot to say, and process. Guess I’ll dive in:
Mr. Handyman is on a family vacation. His boys and parents up at the family condo in Created Butte. We are spending a week a part. Y’all I am good with distance. I am great with distance... I PREFER distance. I remember when I was married to my 2nd husband like wanting him to go on work trips or me to go on work trips just because I like my alone time. I take obnoxiously long baths reading and writing in the tub - but everyone leaves me alone. I liked my weekend boyfriend before he became my live in boyfriend. Granted the distance just made his sex addiction easier to feed and hide. I liked dating a guy in okc because he was only around to take me to dinner once a week and the rest of my time was mine. That was cool until his wife called to let me know he was married. I even liked that the last guy travelled for work because I basically wanted to travel more too.
I’m good with distance. I like space. I miss this man like I haven’t missed anyone maybe ever. It’s not like a boredom, wish he was here to do stuff with me. Or dependent, I can’t do stuff without someone. No this is like a real sincere I miss him. Like my heart misses him. Our closeness, our intimacy, the conversations that last entirely too long, the time we spend together. I just miss the hell out of this man and THAT is freaking me out.
So we should just go ahead and acknowledge that I’m pretty much head over heels in love with this man. He’s kind and patient and he works really hard to know me. He makes me feel seen and heard. He apologizes when he hurts me even if he isn’t wrong. He understands my point of view on absolutely everything. He gets deep in his own emotions and pain and he shares with me. He is intimately invested in our relationship. This man knows how to love, love hard and deeply care for people.
He has so much to give and I have so much to give and we are just the most obnoxious ball of build each other up, processing pain, no secrets, ugly cry, deep seeded insecurities, here are my flaws. Love me as I am and I’ll become the best version of me and love you back 10x over. This man clams me, he reads me, he sees me, he prays over me, he walks in faith with me and he tells me I’m gorgeous even though I’m soft and he has abs and a chest that make me bite my lip when he’s shirtless.
I’m insane over this man and I really didn’t want to be.
We said it would be fun and light. We gave eachother the don’t fall in love with me speeches. We made a plan. I knew when he kissed me at a corner table in doubleshot. When he just grabbed my face and kissed me, I was in love. But he was too. I could feel it.
I’m easy to know. I’m open and vulnerability is a trait I have honed and one I deeply desire. There isn’t a lot of armor or walls. I’m ok with letting people in. I’ve overcome some intense heartbreak. Like really insane stuff, so I’m not really afraid of being hurt. I can overcome pain, heartbreak and disappointment. I just don’t think I’ve found anyone with similar love languages, a similar past, that is so drawn to my empathetic nature and even though we’ve both been damaged; he’s open and vulnerable with me.
So I miss him. I haven’t missed a man maybe ever but I miss this one.
I’m so impressed by the foundation we are intentionally laying. The goals we have and the life we want together, someday. Not soon, but when it’s right and we have walked through seasons together. I love how he loves his kids, his parents, respects his ex wife, is so open and willing to be a part of my family. He loves my family, my monster and even has sent her crazy father business.
He embodies patience, kindness, loyalty, strength. He’s soft and open and his protective and passionate. I look at him and I sometimes tear up because I’m so thankful and loved so well. Sometimes he looks at me and I see his tears too. He said I love you first and abruptly and he meant it. He says it on accident and gets embarrassed when he hangs up the phone in front of his parents. He is thankful they like me and they’re open to me after all he’s been through. I appreciate him. I’m obsessed with him in all the best ways. I’m surprised and overwhelmed almost daily. He’s the man of God I’ve always wanted and never thought I could have. He’s too good for me and I plan to work really hard to love him as well as he does me.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Everyone Wants a Handyman
I AM BREAKING MY PATTERN AND WRITING AGAIN. I’m just in the mood to get it all out there. Savor the memories and lock them in time on my little online diary that gets shared with a very select few. I’m waking up this morning under my weighted blanket and I’m thankful, reflective, and hopeful of the future I’m manifesting.
The handyman and I are the literal healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and it was the most unintentional thing. So, I told you I had been over the world traveler, at least known he wasn’t my person since his first major meltdown while in Croatia. He had this habit that was like a beacon rescue light, bright red and flashing. He clears out his phone. Hear me out: I have met one man who has created the habit of deleting all of his back text messages. One. There is never a string of what you’ve talked about. He clears it all. The one man I met had that habit because he was a literal sex addict. He kind of broke it but that’s because he just gave the hookers a number from an app he used on his phone. So our 5th day in Europe drinking on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean, I look over and he is texting some girl and it is heart eye and kissy face emojis and an I miss you text. Like what the actual effe. You flew my ass to the other side of the world and your texting some chick you still are apparently talking to that you miss her and kissy face?!! Come the F*ck On!!!
I didn’t overreact at all. You know me. I’m cold and dead inside. Some dude feeding me bullshit and texting another girl, damn that’s just like home for me. I was just like “oh really...“ and I laughed. He was obviously upset and I let him throw his temper tantrum. He didn’t have much of an explanation and I wasn’t throwing anything in his face. I was just surprised. I literally didn’t even say anything. He lost his mind. It was in that moment I was like well fuck. This will never work but I had 6 days left on an island vacation and I was going to make the best of it.
All of this to say, we were over before we ever really had a chance to start. So when my passive aggressive distance and no sex since Athens finally wears him down and he breaks up with me. (I know, I’m horrible) I was back on bumble the moment he said “we should talk”.
So I match with this outrageously attractive ex firefighter. I remember looking at his profile thinking I am going to have to lose 50lbs before this hottie is going to be into me. Hope I still look enough like these pictures. He sends me a message that says hey - I’m super busy. I’m on my phone all day, here is my number and my name. You can check me out on social media, call me if you want to talk. So I text the number some snarky text like, “hey it’s Emily, I’m ok with skipping straight to texting and I’ll stalk you on social media in a few.” The text delivers as green and I am confused because like who doesn’t have an iPhone?
So I message him on bumble and say, I always get weirded out when texts aren’t iMessages. Like is this an app number you gave me to hide your dating life from your wife or something? Who doesn’t have an iPhone? He responds. Sorry wrong number... I fat fingered it. Here is my cell.
So I text his right number and said welp, thanks for that... some total stranger wants to know why Emily is stalking him now.
He dies laughing and immediately FaceTimes me.
I decline.
Whattttt.... I have on no make up, last nights ratty hair and an oversized firefighter tee with no bra. Lord. So I said hang on let me at least remove last nights mascara from under my eyes and brush my hair. I’ll call you back.
I do. I look rough, opt for dim lighting and hope my sparkling personality seals the deal. Call him back. He is in a full blown belly laugh at my stalking text to a wrong number. We talk while he’s in the pick up line at school. It’s effortless. We laugh nonstop.
The beginning he asks what I’m looking for and I said literally to date. I told him: I have 18 months left with my daughter under my roof. I’m not trying to move in and build a future with someone. I don’t want to be racing towards forever. I want a fancy dinner or a fun date night once a week. I want someone who will go to concerts or things that I needed be a couple for, other than that I don’t care. I have a great job, a full wonderful life, amazing friends and I’m not letting anything rock my baby girls last year and a half at home.
He replies good. I’m not looking for anything serious; let me tell you what’s wrong with me. I’m going through a nasty divorce that I hope won’t take forever but realistically it’s going to drag on for years. I built 3 companies in a short time with my ex wife. She started screwing one of my business partners. We tried to make it work, went back and forth for months. She kept cheating and lying. I even offered her an open marriage just desperate to make it work. Finally it got so bad my kids mom filed to take custody from me and I moved. So I had been staying with my parents during our back and forth and living with them was helping the boys mom feel comfortable with our custody arrangements. So I have decided I’m staying here a while. So if you’re cool with a 43 year old that lives with his parents and has a bat shot crazy ex wife trying to destroy his companies and life. I’m your man.
I said oh my god!... you aren’t going to be good for anyone for a while.
He said “nope, but I’m a lot of fun.”
So I said cool. I lived with my parents. Heck I’m still just a handful of bad decisions away from something like that. Also as I mentioned before, I don’t want to marry you, live with you, build a life with you. I basically want to find someone I like to hang out with that I’m hopefully attracted to that is a good time. Let’s keep talking.
We text and talk nonstop and then we meet for coffee. He walks in hugs me and I immediately have to take a conference call. He sits for 30 mins while I work. Then when I get off my call, he kisses me. Oh my god I melt. His lips are soft and his kisses are perfect. F*ck.
We make plans for Friday night. I have friends going to the concert at hard rock and I want to country dance after at track 5. We end up having dinner Wednesday and Thursday night too.
We have so much fun. He’s gorgeous and I can’t tell you how many women come up and want to dance with him and how perfectly all over me he is. “Sorry mam, all my dances are reserved for her.”
The 5 days of talking nonstop and one amazing kiss before this night I was already in trouble. We just align. Our faith, how it’s a priority and where we are with it. Our life experiences. My empathy in his divorce. How I understand his pain and the healing process. Our deep desire for trust and a real relationship even though we both are capable of just dating casually. Parenting styles. Co-parenting styles. Business goals. Long term plans. All of it. We fit.
Saturday we go to brunch and Monday we book a weekend getaway to Napa because that is how I roll.
I had to be in Sacramento for work anyway, I left Sunday and he didn’t have he kids that weekend before Christmas. No one was buying me a damn thing and my kid had stuff going with her dad so I said hey! Napa is an hour from Sacramento. Fly in Thursday and let’s stay until Sunday. We can say Merry Christmas to us in wine country this weekend. I used points for one of his flights. Hotels were cheap. Cars cheap. It was like under a grand to get him there and for the car rental and a hotel.
So he spends the week working. I work in Sacramento and we FaceTime every morning and every night. The night before my meetings laying in bed talking, he said I’m going to pray over your day tomorrow. He does, out loud on FaceTime this man prays for me. For wise words and understanding for the ability to articulate to open minds and hearts and do his work. I cry. Tears stream from my face listening to him speak affirmations and intercede on my behalf. This man knows my heart and nurtures my soul.
The day before he arrives I said, go to my house and bring me warm clothes let’s go to Tahoe for one night!!! I’ve never been. Let’s find snow on Christmas. So he does. He goes and gets clothes and packs a bag and brings them to me. We go to Tahoe. Have an amazing time. We laid in the room for hours talking. Learning so much and just creating this real raw intimacy. We had an amazing steak dinner and went to play craps. Lost out asses at the craps table but he turns to me with entirely too much alcohol in his system and says, Emily I am completely in love with you, shit, I wasn’t going to say that for a long time but I am in love with you.
I was SHOCKED. I mean, I knew it. He was fallingl for me the moment we met and the way he looked at me. But really it was the morning after we had gone out dancing. We made sweet perfect love and it wasn’t drunk sex. It was intentional and intimate and amazing and after he said, that doesn’t happen. I knew that he loved me then. I knew I was falling hard for that man then. I knew if the sex was good and it was great... I was in trouble.
Still completely in shock a whopping 10 days from our first FaceTime conversation- the L word had come out of his mouth. I hugged him and kissed and said I’m completely in love with you too and we are fucking morons.
The weekend was amazing. Wine country is stupid romantic. The food, drinks, and scenery. We are perfect and so happy. We get to the airport to come home and the internet to the entire airport had been knocked out so like 10 flights cancelled and 5 hours of delays with thousands of people missing flights.
He calmly rebooks us for the following day, finds and adorable Airbnb in old town Sacramento and takes me for Mexican food and margs. I was so amazed. No stress. Nothing he could do about the delay. He solved our problem and made the best of it. I could not ask for more.
Not to compare them as people but in contrast, when I was coming home from Europe and in line for customs with 45mins to get to my gate or miss my next flight, the world traveler was losing his shit. I mean cussing, blaming people around us for being slow, wanting to cut the line, it was embarrassing. I had a 300lb manchild throwing his at that point usual fit in an airport of strangers.
So my anxiety was high, knowing Mr Handyman has kids at home he wants to try and see and a company to run and fires to fight. He was so easy and calm and just kissed me and told me not to worry.
Where did this angel of a man come from and what kind of crack was his crazy ex smoking that she traded this lover in for a chance at private plane money and a bigger yacht? Thank you Jesus for other people’s stupidity. I know for a fact no amount of money is worth losing this man.
We have had a wonderful holiday together. I have loved knowing him and loving him and I see a future and I am not in a rush. It’s all in gods hands and on his timing. I just thank him every day that I get to have him in my life. That he loves me well and loved me fast and wants me to be happy and sees a life with me in the future too.
Plus he has abs. I thank god for those abs too.
The handyman and I are the literal healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and it was the most unintentional thing. So, I told you I had been over the world traveler, at least known he wasn’t my person since his first major meltdown while in Croatia. He had this habit that was like a beacon rescue light, bright red and flashing. He clears out his phone. Hear me out: I have met one man who has created the habit of deleting all of his back text messages. One. There is never a string of what you’ve talked about. He clears it all. The one man I met had that habit because he was a literal sex addict. He kind of broke it but that’s because he just gave the hookers a number from an app he used on his phone. So our 5th day in Europe drinking on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean, I look over and he is texting some girl and it is heart eye and kissy face emojis and an I miss you text. Like what the actual effe. You flew my ass to the other side of the world and your texting some chick you still are apparently talking to that you miss her and kissy face?!! Come the F*ck On!!!
I didn’t overreact at all. You know me. I’m cold and dead inside. Some dude feeding me bullshit and texting another girl, damn that’s just like home for me. I was just like “oh really...“ and I laughed. He was obviously upset and I let him throw his temper tantrum. He didn’t have much of an explanation and I wasn’t throwing anything in his face. I was just surprised. I literally didn’t even say anything. He lost his mind. It was in that moment I was like well fuck. This will never work but I had 6 days left on an island vacation and I was going to make the best of it.
All of this to say, we were over before we ever really had a chance to start. So when my passive aggressive distance and no sex since Athens finally wears him down and he breaks up with me. (I know, I’m horrible) I was back on bumble the moment he said “we should talk”.
So I match with this outrageously attractive ex firefighter. I remember looking at his profile thinking I am going to have to lose 50lbs before this hottie is going to be into me. Hope I still look enough like these pictures. He sends me a message that says hey - I’m super busy. I’m on my phone all day, here is my number and my name. You can check me out on social media, call me if you want to talk. So I text the number some snarky text like, “hey it’s Emily, I’m ok with skipping straight to texting and I’ll stalk you on social media in a few.” The text delivers as green and I am confused because like who doesn’t have an iPhone?
So I message him on bumble and say, I always get weirded out when texts aren’t iMessages. Like is this an app number you gave me to hide your dating life from your wife or something? Who doesn’t have an iPhone? He responds. Sorry wrong number... I fat fingered it. Here is my cell.
So I text his right number and said welp, thanks for that... some total stranger wants to know why Emily is stalking him now.
He dies laughing and immediately FaceTimes me.
I decline.
Whattttt.... I have on no make up, last nights ratty hair and an oversized firefighter tee with no bra. Lord. So I said hang on let me at least remove last nights mascara from under my eyes and brush my hair. I’ll call you back.
I do. I look rough, opt for dim lighting and hope my sparkling personality seals the deal. Call him back. He is in a full blown belly laugh at my stalking text to a wrong number. We talk while he’s in the pick up line at school. It’s effortless. We laugh nonstop.
The beginning he asks what I’m looking for and I said literally to date. I told him: I have 18 months left with my daughter under my roof. I’m not trying to move in and build a future with someone. I don’t want to be racing towards forever. I want a fancy dinner or a fun date night once a week. I want someone who will go to concerts or things that I needed be a couple for, other than that I don’t care. I have a great job, a full wonderful life, amazing friends and I’m not letting anything rock my baby girls last year and a half at home.
He replies good. I’m not looking for anything serious; let me tell you what’s wrong with me. I’m going through a nasty divorce that I hope won’t take forever but realistically it’s going to drag on for years. I built 3 companies in a short time with my ex wife. She started screwing one of my business partners. We tried to make it work, went back and forth for months. She kept cheating and lying. I even offered her an open marriage just desperate to make it work. Finally it got so bad my kids mom filed to take custody from me and I moved. So I had been staying with my parents during our back and forth and living with them was helping the boys mom feel comfortable with our custody arrangements. So I have decided I’m staying here a while. So if you’re cool with a 43 year old that lives with his parents and has a bat shot crazy ex wife trying to destroy his companies and life. I’m your man.
I said oh my god!... you aren’t going to be good for anyone for a while.
He said “nope, but I’m a lot of fun.”
So I said cool. I lived with my parents. Heck I’m still just a handful of bad decisions away from something like that. Also as I mentioned before, I don’t want to marry you, live with you, build a life with you. I basically want to find someone I like to hang out with that I’m hopefully attracted to that is a good time. Let’s keep talking.
We text and talk nonstop and then we meet for coffee. He walks in hugs me and I immediately have to take a conference call. He sits for 30 mins while I work. Then when I get off my call, he kisses me. Oh my god I melt. His lips are soft and his kisses are perfect. F*ck.
We make plans for Friday night. I have friends going to the concert at hard rock and I want to country dance after at track 5. We end up having dinner Wednesday and Thursday night too.
We have so much fun. He’s gorgeous and I can’t tell you how many women come up and want to dance with him and how perfectly all over me he is. “Sorry mam, all my dances are reserved for her.”
The 5 days of talking nonstop and one amazing kiss before this night I was already in trouble. We just align. Our faith, how it’s a priority and where we are with it. Our life experiences. My empathy in his divorce. How I understand his pain and the healing process. Our deep desire for trust and a real relationship even though we both are capable of just dating casually. Parenting styles. Co-parenting styles. Business goals. Long term plans. All of it. We fit.
Saturday we go to brunch and Monday we book a weekend getaway to Napa because that is how I roll.
I had to be in Sacramento for work anyway, I left Sunday and he didn’t have he kids that weekend before Christmas. No one was buying me a damn thing and my kid had stuff going with her dad so I said hey! Napa is an hour from Sacramento. Fly in Thursday and let’s stay until Sunday. We can say Merry Christmas to us in wine country this weekend. I used points for one of his flights. Hotels were cheap. Cars cheap. It was like under a grand to get him there and for the car rental and a hotel.
So he spends the week working. I work in Sacramento and we FaceTime every morning and every night. The night before my meetings laying in bed talking, he said I’m going to pray over your day tomorrow. He does, out loud on FaceTime this man prays for me. For wise words and understanding for the ability to articulate to open minds and hearts and do his work. I cry. Tears stream from my face listening to him speak affirmations and intercede on my behalf. This man knows my heart and nurtures my soul.
The day before he arrives I said, go to my house and bring me warm clothes let’s go to Tahoe for one night!!! I’ve never been. Let’s find snow on Christmas. So he does. He goes and gets clothes and packs a bag and brings them to me. We go to Tahoe. Have an amazing time. We laid in the room for hours talking. Learning so much and just creating this real raw intimacy. We had an amazing steak dinner and went to play craps. Lost out asses at the craps table but he turns to me with entirely too much alcohol in his system and says, Emily I am completely in love with you, shit, I wasn’t going to say that for a long time but I am in love with you.
I was SHOCKED. I mean, I knew it. He was fallingl for me the moment we met and the way he looked at me. But really it was the morning after we had gone out dancing. We made sweet perfect love and it wasn’t drunk sex. It was intentional and intimate and amazing and after he said, that doesn’t happen. I knew that he loved me then. I knew I was falling hard for that man then. I knew if the sex was good and it was great... I was in trouble.
Still completely in shock a whopping 10 days from our first FaceTime conversation- the L word had come out of his mouth. I hugged him and kissed and said I’m completely in love with you too and we are fucking morons.
The weekend was amazing. Wine country is stupid romantic. The food, drinks, and scenery. We are perfect and so happy. We get to the airport to come home and the internet to the entire airport had been knocked out so like 10 flights cancelled and 5 hours of delays with thousands of people missing flights.
He calmly rebooks us for the following day, finds and adorable Airbnb in old town Sacramento and takes me for Mexican food and margs. I was so amazed. No stress. Nothing he could do about the delay. He solved our problem and made the best of it. I could not ask for more.
Not to compare them as people but in contrast, when I was coming home from Europe and in line for customs with 45mins to get to my gate or miss my next flight, the world traveler was losing his shit. I mean cussing, blaming people around us for being slow, wanting to cut the line, it was embarrassing. I had a 300lb manchild throwing his at that point usual fit in an airport of strangers.
So my anxiety was high, knowing Mr Handyman has kids at home he wants to try and see and a company to run and fires to fight. He was so easy and calm and just kissed me and told me not to worry.
Where did this angel of a man come from and what kind of crack was his crazy ex smoking that she traded this lover in for a chance at private plane money and a bigger yacht? Thank you Jesus for other people’s stupidity. I know for a fact no amount of money is worth losing this man.
We have had a wonderful holiday together. I have loved knowing him and loving him and I see a future and I am not in a rush. It’s all in gods hands and on his timing. I just thank him every day that I get to have him in my life. That he loves me well and loved me fast and wants me to be happy and sees a life with me in the future too.
Plus he has abs. I thank god for those abs too.
Friday, December 27, 2019
My Weighted Blanket
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT MY DAY... As always, I gotta catch you up before I get to the story part. New boyfriend, who dis... yup. Record time. I don’t even get embarrassed about my turnaround on who I’m dating any more. And that’s not the point of this post; we can get into that later.
New man - Mr. Handyman - I’ve had that name picked out since we started talking... He is pretty much the man of my dreams and today solidified that in my mind.
Mr. Handyman has an ex wife a lot like my 2nd husband. A Kardashian marriage. The whole relationship to engagement and marriage couldn’t have been two whole years. The marriage was over before the 1st anniversary and she was banging his business partner and friends throughout it all. So to say that I understand this, that’s an understatement: I lived this.
Just like my ex, the divorce is going to be longer than the marriage was and it all has to do with assets. But it’s over and I can say that confidently and break my “never date a man going through a divorce” rule because he literally signed a court document that said he will never have his children around her. I mean it’s over when you would have to give up your kids for a crazy person... but I digress.
TODAY! We were at the car dealership. He needs a new truck for work so we found a super nice gmc for him. While we were looking he said, I wish Chucks mistress would let me refi the 2018 Ford F-250 platinum. She is threatening to file bankruptcy and that would be so much easier. So I said honestly, you should ask her.
So he texts and one million text responses come in about anything but the truck and if that’s an option. Him to take the debt over and leave her off of it. Nope. She wants to be sure he knows how he will never love anyone like her and blah blah how great she is and just normal narcissistic cheater/victim mentality vitriol.
I HATE THIS. I know it’s way over. I know in a divorce the most patient person wins. I’m the one coaching him never to settle. But I HATE THIS! I know his kids are his world. I know he regrets the damage done to his Co parenting relationship with their mom. Like he’s not looking back. He wasn’t looking for me but he isn’t going back to her. Just ask the judge who signed off on the aforementioned custody agreement.
Regardless of how confident I am in that being in his past - those calls still give me anxiety. Chucks mistress refuses to answer the truck question via text and made him call. So he did and after a few minutes of trying to get a straight answer she finally told him to buy a new truck.
He returns to me and I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I encouraged the communication. I AM A BALL OF ANXIETY. Lump in my throat, racing heart rate, tears behind my eyes, and I could have vomited on command. This new man reads me well and he picks up on this immediately.
Ok, so we gotta back up one more time... last weekend we went to Napa for a romantic weekend. You know, ridiculous second dates are my thing. In Napa one morning laying in bed, I’m all anxious again. I was tossing and turning and I couldn’t get comfortable. I was laying on my stomach and he rolls on top of me. All his body weight on mine. He lets his weight go dead and just smashes me. He did this for probably 10 mins and I basically fell back asleep.
Later in the day I explained that, that physical contact has some science behind it. That the brain releases chemicals that are calming like a really intense hug. It’s the reason weighted blankets are all the rage. If you are anxiety prone. Knowing this is a game changer.
So back to today, I’m a ball of stress, fear, anxiety and the story I’m telling myself is a whirlwind of illogical bullshit that is just furthering my frustration with his talk with chucks mistress.
He grabs me tight and hugs me hard, whispering in my ear: “I’m going to lay you down on that table right there and climb on top of you and just smash you. I think people may stare but when I tell them this is what I do to calm you down when you get all fidgety and anxious, it’ll be ok. I just need to smush you” In that moment I almost cried - he loves me so well.
But he’s right, when I get in my head and can’t control the story I’m telling myself - I need him to weigh me down and ground me. smash me.
I got a weighted blanket for Christmas and we call it stunt double Dave (his name... gasp) because he is better than being my person or my lobster - this man is my weighted blanket!!!
New man - Mr. Handyman - I’ve had that name picked out since we started talking... He is pretty much the man of my dreams and today solidified that in my mind.
Mr. Handyman has an ex wife a lot like my 2nd husband. A Kardashian marriage. The whole relationship to engagement and marriage couldn’t have been two whole years. The marriage was over before the 1st anniversary and she was banging his business partner and friends throughout it all. So to say that I understand this, that’s an understatement: I lived this.
Just like my ex, the divorce is going to be longer than the marriage was and it all has to do with assets. But it’s over and I can say that confidently and break my “never date a man going through a divorce” rule because he literally signed a court document that said he will never have his children around her. I mean it’s over when you would have to give up your kids for a crazy person... but I digress.
TODAY! We were at the car dealership. He needs a new truck for work so we found a super nice gmc for him. While we were looking he said, I wish Chucks mistress would let me refi the 2018 Ford F-250 platinum. She is threatening to file bankruptcy and that would be so much easier. So I said honestly, you should ask her.
So he texts and one million text responses come in about anything but the truck and if that’s an option. Him to take the debt over and leave her off of it. Nope. She wants to be sure he knows how he will never love anyone like her and blah blah how great she is and just normal narcissistic cheater/victim mentality vitriol.
I HATE THIS. I know it’s way over. I know in a divorce the most patient person wins. I’m the one coaching him never to settle. But I HATE THIS! I know his kids are his world. I know he regrets the damage done to his Co parenting relationship with their mom. Like he’s not looking back. He wasn’t looking for me but he isn’t going back to her. Just ask the judge who signed off on the aforementioned custody agreement.
Regardless of how confident I am in that being in his past - those calls still give me anxiety. Chucks mistress refuses to answer the truck question via text and made him call. So he did and after a few minutes of trying to get a straight answer she finally told him to buy a new truck.
He returns to me and I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I encouraged the communication. I AM A BALL OF ANXIETY. Lump in my throat, racing heart rate, tears behind my eyes, and I could have vomited on command. This new man reads me well and he picks up on this immediately.
Ok, so we gotta back up one more time... last weekend we went to Napa for a romantic weekend. You know, ridiculous second dates are my thing. In Napa one morning laying in bed, I’m all anxious again. I was tossing and turning and I couldn’t get comfortable. I was laying on my stomach and he rolls on top of me. All his body weight on mine. He lets his weight go dead and just smashes me. He did this for probably 10 mins and I basically fell back asleep.
Later in the day I explained that, that physical contact has some science behind it. That the brain releases chemicals that are calming like a really intense hug. It’s the reason weighted blankets are all the rage. If you are anxiety prone. Knowing this is a game changer.
So back to today, I’m a ball of stress, fear, anxiety and the story I’m telling myself is a whirlwind of illogical bullshit that is just furthering my frustration with his talk with chucks mistress.
He grabs me tight and hugs me hard, whispering in my ear: “I’m going to lay you down on that table right there and climb on top of you and just smash you. I think people may stare but when I tell them this is what I do to calm you down when you get all fidgety and anxious, it’ll be ok. I just need to smush you” In that moment I almost cried - he loves me so well.
But he’s right, when I get in my head and can’t control the story I’m telling myself - I need him to weigh me down and ground me. smash me.
I got a weighted blanket for Christmas and we call it stunt double Dave (his name... gasp) because he is better than being my person or my lobster - this man is my weighted blanket!!!
Saturday, December 14, 2019
It Wasn't Him....
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.... I have a tendency to use that phrase to justify some crazy sh*t. Like that time I met a guy on Bumble talked to him for 30 days, was sooooo excited to meet him. Flew to Greece, spent 12 days running around the islands of Croatia and came home - not nearly as excited as I was when we were just FaceTiming every day.
You really get to know a person when you are traveling in a foreign country with over packed bags. It went from excitement and romantic - to me backing wayyyy off by like the 3rd day. We came home and I thought we might spend some time together, see if we could make things work but we just never quite got back in sync.
No matter how much talking and trying it was just too hard. It wasn't the easy fun relationship I had hoped for and the man that was all "life is what you make it," full of positivity, he wasn't really that person. It was petty fights, and no real communication afterward. I was talked over, mansplained, and outright ignored and then expected to act like nothing had happened.
I think my emotional maturity, my ability to communicate, the level of respect I require. We didn't align. He didn't have kids and he didn't really gel with my girl. I don't think he is a bad person and I would never ask him to change. He just wasn't my person. He wasn't what I thought I was getting and I am sure in some ways I wasn't what he thought either.
We made a 4 month run at a relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I know he is hurting. I know he misses me. I know he isn't wanting to get back out there. I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy but I just knew it wasn't going to work anymore. We are in different places, with different goals. We have very different personalities and no matter how hard we tried, it really was better off with us just moving forward on our own.
So whenever a relationship ends I like to reflect on it. Find the lessons, enjoy the good moments. Think of him fondly, send him light and love, respect the path we walked together and keep moving.
I had some personal changes during my season with the World Traveller. I made a massive career change right at the beginning. I left a position at a company I had been with for years. I hadn't felt stable there for probably 18 months or so, I hadn't been compensated in what I would deem as the most fair for landing them a monster piece of business. It was always "what have you done for me lately" and I was drained. I wasn't serving my customers well. I wasn't serving myself. It was very much like that meme that references you being replaced upon your death without a hiccup by big corporations and not killing yourself for "the Man" because it isn't worth it. Also, I heard a speaker I admire say, she had never met a really happy person that was miserable in their career. There is too much of your life spent working to hate what you do. So I left. I took on a new opportunity and I have never looked back.
My new job isn't the point here - the point is that change. Removing that instability. Finding something to feel really content doing - well it kind of changed my thinking about a lot of things. For one, I reflected on the last year. The fear of not having a life partner or a safety net. The fear of providing all on my own for my kid. The fear of the unknown. All of that was really really terrifying. But a year later - I survived. I made some changes, I learned to trust myself again. I got back into the swing of really living for myself and I decided that a relationship for the sake of just having someone there was not what I wanted. I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I finally felt like I was in a position not to settle.
So I took a good look at what I wanted in the next one and for the first time in a long time, I came back to God. I have been doing this my way for a long time and it has not been working. So this time, I want a spiritual leader, I want a Godly man. I want someone who knows who they are in the Lord, that is seeking him out. That is held accountable to his actions by a power much greater than me... than what I have to offer. I want a man seeking God first.
I have settled for "spiritual" or a believer that isn't feeding his soul every day, or every week. That isn't make that relationship a priority. I think it took my 20 years almost exactly to figure out that I was never going to make it without trusting God and seeking him myself.
See this new little job of mine has some pretty amazing clients. We are in the Faith Based Media sector for a lot of it. So coming back to my roots, coming back to the heart of worship, the prodigal child returning - so to speak. It is changing me. I can feel it changing me. Reading a verse and reflecting on all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. It is inspiring me. I am remembering how I really want to live. A life full of love and joy.
So the next man I let into my life, into my heart and invest a piece of my soul in - that man is going to be seeking God first.
You really get to know a person when you are traveling in a foreign country with over packed bags. It went from excitement and romantic - to me backing wayyyy off by like the 3rd day. We came home and I thought we might spend some time together, see if we could make things work but we just never quite got back in sync.
No matter how much talking and trying it was just too hard. It wasn't the easy fun relationship I had hoped for and the man that was all "life is what you make it," full of positivity, he wasn't really that person. It was petty fights, and no real communication afterward. I was talked over, mansplained, and outright ignored and then expected to act like nothing had happened.
I think my emotional maturity, my ability to communicate, the level of respect I require. We didn't align. He didn't have kids and he didn't really gel with my girl. I don't think he is a bad person and I would never ask him to change. He just wasn't my person. He wasn't what I thought I was getting and I am sure in some ways I wasn't what he thought either.
We made a 4 month run at a relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I know he is hurting. I know he misses me. I know he isn't wanting to get back out there. I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy but I just knew it wasn't going to work anymore. We are in different places, with different goals. We have very different personalities and no matter how hard we tried, it really was better off with us just moving forward on our own.
So whenever a relationship ends I like to reflect on it. Find the lessons, enjoy the good moments. Think of him fondly, send him light and love, respect the path we walked together and keep moving.
I had some personal changes during my season with the World Traveller. I made a massive career change right at the beginning. I left a position at a company I had been with for years. I hadn't felt stable there for probably 18 months or so, I hadn't been compensated in what I would deem as the most fair for landing them a monster piece of business. It was always "what have you done for me lately" and I was drained. I wasn't serving my customers well. I wasn't serving myself. It was very much like that meme that references you being replaced upon your death without a hiccup by big corporations and not killing yourself for "the Man" because it isn't worth it. Also, I heard a speaker I admire say, she had never met a really happy person that was miserable in their career. There is too much of your life spent working to hate what you do. So I left. I took on a new opportunity and I have never looked back.
My new job isn't the point here - the point is that change. Removing that instability. Finding something to feel really content doing - well it kind of changed my thinking about a lot of things. For one, I reflected on the last year. The fear of not having a life partner or a safety net. The fear of providing all on my own for my kid. The fear of the unknown. All of that was really really terrifying. But a year later - I survived. I made some changes, I learned to trust myself again. I got back into the swing of really living for myself and I decided that a relationship for the sake of just having someone there was not what I wanted. I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I finally felt like I was in a position not to settle.
So I took a good look at what I wanted in the next one and for the first time in a long time, I came back to God. I have been doing this my way for a long time and it has not been working. So this time, I want a spiritual leader, I want a Godly man. I want someone who knows who they are in the Lord, that is seeking him out. That is held accountable to his actions by a power much greater than me... than what I have to offer. I want a man seeking God first.
I have settled for "spiritual" or a believer that isn't feeding his soul every day, or every week. That isn't make that relationship a priority. I think it took my 20 years almost exactly to figure out that I was never going to make it without trusting God and seeking him myself.
See this new little job of mine has some pretty amazing clients. We are in the Faith Based Media sector for a lot of it. So coming back to my roots, coming back to the heart of worship, the prodigal child returning - so to speak. It is changing me. I can feel it changing me. Reading a verse and reflecting on all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. It is inspiring me. I am remembering how I really want to live. A life full of love and joy.
So the next man I let into my life, into my heart and invest a piece of my soul in - that man is going to be seeking God first.
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