The Boy I Met at The Symphony Makes a Memorable Exit

ll is quiet on the boy front this week. The only thing occupying the part of my brain that desires to date is a slightly unhealthy obsession with My Future Husband. My mother likes to think of him as good motivation for reaching life goals. I like to day dream about weddings. Yep, I am that crazy but I cannot be alone in this insanity; why do you think Pinterest is such a huge success. Girls planning imaginary weddings to boys they have not actually gone on first dates with... Yet.

I have been catching up on my writing and thinking about past loves/mistakes. Referring back to A Short Update about My Need to Write   to remind me of what I have intended to tell you about but I'm pretty board with the Ghosts of Boys Past. I miss Milk a bit but our last encounter was a bad decision wrapped in OU/Texas weekend laced with Red Bull and Vodkas. 

I've been spending a lot of time with a childhood friend, Marcus. We have been close since I was in 6th grade. We met when I was 11, he was 12 and his brother was 14. The history there is sort of hilarious. His brother was My First Kiss when I was fifteen. Our parents are friends and Marcus and I have remained close off and on for the past 18 years. 

I have come to appreciate his friendship more than ever. There is a lot to be said for someone who you have known for this long. It's comfortable realizing you are sort of stuck with each other. I mean if I haven't done something to piss him off irreparably by now, chances are it's not gonna happen. 


This past weekend we ended up at the same Christmas Party. A group of Young Professionals in our city all getting together for a Christmas Eve, Eve Soiree. The Boy I Met at The Symphony has been texting me beforehand and ends up meeting me there.


Marcus is there with his date and she turns out to be a total doll, which I hardly ever expect because I am beyond critical of the girls he chooses to bring around. I like her though and he meets The Boy I Met at The Symphony. Night goes on, BIMATS is all over me which is nice because he is a good little piece of arm candy but when I turn out not to be just a piece of ass for him to take home later, he sort of loses interest.


Let's talk about this for a second... Come the effe on! I am a 28 year old single mom and I get that I date a lot but this guy and I have been talking for months and although, it isn't serious. We have gone out for drinks and meals and out of town to football games together, so dating, although not exclusive would apply here. I say this because the reason I have never dated a boy younger than me and went through such a substantial Old Guy phase is because of shit like this. 


I shoot down the automatic sleepover mostly because a good girl friend of mine is in town and staying with me. He seems fine at first but once he gets a few more Whiskeys in him his judgment fades and the slutty little girl we shall call Jessica steps into his view. I am allowed to call her slutty because the majority of the evening he was obviously with me. 


Marcus and I are having a chat and I look up to where people are dancing in the living room and see this kid straight making out with Jessislut. My reaction is a calm, "Well that's not very cool." Marcus's reaction is more of the 'O No He Diiiidn't' variety. Before, he can be stopped, he marches over there separates them, she walks away and he says something, who knows what but assume threatening and I decide to approach. 


The conversation went something like this, "Seriously, WTF? are you thinking?"
"Why would you be mad, all I am is a boy toy to you."
"You have got to be kidding me..." insert rant of meaningful things we have spent time doing together... "which is completely besides the point, because I don't care if you kiss half the freaking city, don't do it at a party, with my friends, where you have been kissing me all night. Don't make me look bad because you are an immature ass hole."
Interruption from Marcus, who has stormed out to find us... "I swear to god, if you ever disrespect her like this again, you will be unrecognizable. Do you hear me, I will destroy you."
I thank Marcus tell him I love him, he walks off and Immature Dumb Ass that I Met at The Symphony proceeds to apologize with all sorts of excuses about never having a real girl friend, not thinking I actually liked him, being drunk,  he can't imagine how he would react if someone did something like this to his sister... la di da di da... 
Re-enter Marcus: Ready to beat the ever living crap out of this Douche. "See this brick wall, I will paint this wall with your face. I will..." You get the picture. The dumb kid definitely gets it because he is apologizing to him as well. Marcus walks off, Jessislut walks out and I say to the dumbass... "I imagine she's a sure thing, go get her" and I walk back inside.


In the end I wasn't hurt he was kissing another girl, hell I have totally gone out with several guys since he and I first met. I was just mad he did it in front of people I knew. I don't want to look like an idiot in front of a bunch of acquaintances. The girl with the date who left with another girl... Awkward. But I do have the best guy friend who is willing to disfigure any man who disrespects me and walking away with that blatant understanding is worth a little embarrassment from a douche bag that wont find himself for another 10 years... Best of Luck Kid. 

New Rule: 30+ from now on for me... Or just waiting on My Future Husband! :)

My First Kiss

I love my first kiss story. I am not sure there is a better first kiss story in the whole world. I hope every girl feels this way about their first kiss. It should be so memorable that every detail stands ingrained in your mind forever. Don't get me wrong this is not a first love kind of story but more of a young dumb hilarious story. This is the story that will set the stage for the rest of my ridiculous love life.

My first kiss was at 15 years old. I was a Sophomore in High School and really involved with my church's youth group. At church I had a bunch of guy friends, in life I have always had a bunch of guy friends but we were all seriously just friends. For every formal function at any of our schools, they had a built in date and they could wait until the very last minute to ask me. 

It was Christmas time 1998 and as usual my good buddy Marcus was a Junior at another school and had his Christmas formal coming up. It was Saturday and he decided to secure me as his date the Sunday before. I of course said yes and we made plans to go. Marcus and I had been friends for four years and I had been nursing an insane crush on his older brother since the day we all met the summer before 6th grade. 


Saturday Night rolls around, Mark picks me up in a limo with some other friends of his, I am wearing a black velvet dress my mom bought me as a surprise and he is of course in a suit. We head to the dance and are having a great time. 


Now would be a good time to interject that Marcus asked me to go because he had recently broken up with his girlfriend and I was a pretty safe way of making her jealous and him not have to worry about a date. So at some point in the evening, he and this girl he had been on and off with for some time decide to have a conversation aka fight high school couple style. So, Marcus' older brother knowing I didn't know anyone else there asks me to dance.


A fast song turns to a slow song and we continue to dance. Marcus is no where in sight and I am thanking his brother for saving me from hanging in the bathroom. And then, it happens... He kisses me. My first real, his tongue in my mouth kiss! I could not believe it, I could recount the day I met him with freakish detail because he was (one of several I'm sure) my dream guy and he just kissed me. It was a long perfect kiss and I totally kissed him back. 


Then, coming too from the delusions of grandeur I have just experienced we look at each other, promise not to tell Marcus and say we will talk later. The night comes to a close, Marcus is none the wiser and I make it home safe and sound. He walks me to my door but a simple hug is all that's expected since we really are just friends. I go to bed with giddy butterflies in my stomach because as 15, I was finally kissed and that was that... or so I thought. 


A few weeks later, on Wednesday at Bible Study of all places with all of our church peers around, Marcus walks in with a chip on his shoulder sits next to me, waits for everyone to gather around and says with great confidence, "a funny thing happened at school today." I without thinking anything of it inquire as to what this hilarity may have been. 
"Well you know the guy with the camera who walks around taking 'Party Pics' at school dances?"
O Shit!... "Yeah" 
"Those pictures were posted in the commons today and guess what?! You KISSED MY BROTHER!"
I couldn't even get an apology out before he said, "Were you making out with him all night?"
"No! It was one kiss, he kissed me. I am so-"
"Well it was one kiss that was in three pictures! Must have been a hell of a kiss."
"I am so sorry... I am so so sorry," I am also mortified, we are having this conversation in front of a group of our closest peers. I am so ready to get out of there but, I can't drive, I'm 15. 


Marcus and I got passed this and remain close friends to this very day. Mostly because his little announcement embarrassed me about as much as he was being told all day that his date made out with his brother. We joke about the scenario now and even our parents find it pretty funny but that was the last time I was his date to a dance.

I Wish I Liked Girls

I write about boys all the time but today I feel the need to write about girls. I think it's time we figure out why I don't really like them.  Obviously, this isn't a confession into my new found lesbianism as the title could misread. It's about how even as a girl, I don't understand girls in relationships.

Starting around Sophomore year of high school I decided that I really disliked girls, more that girls didn't like me. Don't get me wrong I had like two girl friends that I hung out with all the time and high school would have completely sucked without them but at 15 I was pretty certain I wasn't a girlfriend kind of girl. 

Over the next decade my opinion on this would fluctuate. I have had periods where I have tried to have girl friends; buying into the idea that the only reason girls don't have girl friends is because they are slutty or bitchy or some other derogatory characteristic associated with females. I don't necessarily believe that now. I kind of think sluts are a pack animal but I digress.

If I look at my relationships with females the same way I began to analyze my male romantic relationships back in February I have to face the hard fact that I am the constant. So maybe the reason my friendships with other females have a year or two expiration, is just me. I would like to blame every other woman on the planet but that isn't very logical.

Every job I have ever had has come with female conflict. I never start out with a girl just excited and happy to meet me, no I start in the negative every single time. When I was working at summer camps, I just hung out with the boys. As a lifeguard and the coffee shop I just flirted with the boys. Until I became a waitress at a sports bar, then I got hit on by boys. That job was a blast, girls were nice because the owner loved me. It didn't hurt that my roommate (Liv) and I made the biggest tips and rang the largest checks.

Then, came big girl jobs. I actually had a boss at 22 tell me after we had become friends that she was surprised she liked me the day I interviewed. She confessed to making me wait while she went to the bathroom and discussed with the other girl I would be working with how big of a waste of time I was going to be. I confessed I already knew that; I could feel it when I sat down that I was starting in the negative. Every job until the one I have now has started with a bunch of bitches who hate me. Currently I work on a sales staff of all men and one other female, Mrs. Cop. We have an office Mom too. I haven't had an issue with anyone there. 

My brother and I discussed my lack of female friends and his opinion was very insightful. He said even with girls you consider very good friends there is this weird judgment you all pass on each other. Ding! Ding! Ding! How true is that?! Honestly, we do. I do it, I try not to but I am no better. I absolutely judge the boys my friends date, the way they handle relationships with their families, friends and romantic partners. It isn't fair but it happens.

It wasn't until I was faced with my most recent personal drama that I realized who I actually had let into my life. I have had the most amazing support. My therapist, my office mom and my childhood best friend, Thank God for Liv. The only other person 'in the know' of any real intimate details of my life, I regret which makes me sad.

Regardless, I feel like I am a really good friend. I am understanding through situations that warrant pure selfishness as a way to cope. I do what is asked, whether it be to be the party girl distraction or the tearful confidant. I have been around whenever I was needed. I never claim to make the best decisions or have my life totally together but I am a really good friend. I don't feel like I have really good friends in return. 

I remember this scene in Ally McBeal where Georgia asks Ally out of frustration, "What makes your issues so much bigger than everybody else's?" The answer was painfully honest, "They're mine." If that is what relationships with females are like; placing yourself above everyone else, I see why I don't have many female friends. I am fortunate enough to have  sisters, a mom and a best friend since I was 5 who unconditionally love me and I them. There is nothing and I mean nothing they could do to change that. I get that the family is sort of stuck with me but I am lucky there. I have an amazing group of women I am honored to be related to.

Lately, I am most thankful that I have been able to be here for Liv through the most difficult time in her life. I have cried with her, drank wine with her, packed boxes and reminisced over countless memories. I am thankful that in her weakest moments I have been able to hold her hand and do what ever was necessary to allow her the slightest bit of comfort. I am thankful that God gave me her and she takes care of me in the same manner. She has come to me out of love in every situation we have ever faced. I am thankful that instead of 5 girl friends in this life, at 5 years old He gave me one. One girl that would be a constant driving force. I am so much better for knowing her. I am blessed actually blessed by her.

I guess by the end of writing this blog I am no longer disappointed in my lack of female friends because at the end of the day I would rather be able to talk with my mother and my one good girl friend than anyone else in the world.

The Man of My Dreams at QT

I saw The Man of My Dreams at QT the other morning getting gas. I know, right! I just happen to glance in the general direction of a total stranger and decide he was the newest object of my affection. It isn't normal but it's me. Apparently it really is a good idea to never leave the house without being prepared to meet a dashing stranger... or an old enemy. 

I am not at my usual QT since I am house sitting for my best couple friends. I am rocking this dress I found in Tia's closet that is a LOUD floral print of hot pink, pink and brown. It hugs in all the right places and shows off my best feature, my legs! Thank you mom! It's almost 8am and I am running late, as usual. But I look good... almost as good as this...

Thirties, no ring, 6foot 3ish, dark hair, athletic build, strong jaw line- I love a nicely defined jaw line- wearing HOSPITAL SCRUBS! Ever since Grey's Anatomy, I don't even care if you are being a fake doctor on Halloween I love a man in scrubs. 90's pop group, TLC you were wrong, I actually do want scrubs!

Eye contact made several times in the store. He walks out first but I see him watch me walk to my car, we are parked next to each other at the pumps. I shoot him a flirty smile as I am getting gas. We both leave heading the same direction. He's in a new Avalanche with paper tags, I am crazy enough to notice this detail because had it been a real plate the only other girl at my office is married to a cop and you know what that means... Tax dollars at work stalking Hot Guys! Perks. 

By the time I get to work I am down right giddy and the first thing I do is tell Mrs. Cop my story. Before I can say "he had a paper tag," she says, "did you get his plate?" To which you have to laugh, because she knows me so well! 

The next week at our regularly scheduled dinner Wednesday Night. Tia and I are drinking Vodkas and I squeal, "I almost forgot! I saw the man of my dreams at QT last week when I was house sitting, pretty sure he was a doctor and gorgeous, maybe a surgeon! O and PS I stole your dress and I'm keeping it." 
She laughs, "He probably wasn't a doctor, you know my best friend from college? She is married to a surgical equipment sales rep and he wears scrubs every day."
"No, this is my dream guy, he was a doctor."
"How funny, you would think her husband was really hot. He is tall and very good looking but he's getting soft you know, beer gut, ha!"
"This guy was gorgeous, no gut he drove an Avalanche, too bad it had paper tags."
At this moment, the mischievous all-knowing grin on Tia's face is priceless, "Uh, was it silver?..."
"Oh My GAWD!"
Hysterical laughter ensues as she barely gets the words out!... "That is him! That is her husband, sorry sister 3 kids and very married."
"NO WAY!... Dammit! But he doesn't wear a ring." I hate when married men don't wear rings, it's false advertising. I guess it's the male pay back for the Miracle Bra.
"He is in surgeries all day. I cannot wait to tell her! Makes since though, they live down the street."
With a tinge of disappointment we get a good laugh.

The sad part is, I wasn't even surprised that the McDreamy look-a-like was married to her long time close friend. Nope, that is actually how my life goes. 
C'est la vie!

The End of The Not Dating Until 2012 Rule

This little blog was born after back-to-back down right stupid break ups. Both of which are so embarrassing and ridiculous that I was smacked in the face with reality- I have TERRIBLE, terrible (so bad I needed to say it twice) taste in Men. 

My Solution: I Am NOT Dating Until 2012 

Sounds all empowering and independent right? Right! But if you've read my blog you must be thinking "for not dating you sure do talk about a lot of boys." Yes, this is true. Although I have not been in a relationship of any substance I have still seen a lot of boys. Pretty sure I have had 2 Future Next Boyfriends and a Future Husband. I've met "The Man of My Dreams" on three separate occasions but mostly my focus has been just me. 

The pattern I was hell bent on breaking was my tendency to date Old Guys. I am 28. I know that is "so young" and I seem so "mature and wise" (HA!) with such great "life-experience." I can seriously attract Old Guys. Mr MexicanFood and Mr Baseball were both in their 40s with a couple kids and ex-wives who hated them (rightfully so). Mr. Toilet, who I almost married is 13ish years older than me. Even my ex husband is 36... I date Old Guys. This had to stop!

So in No Date 2011, I kinda just swore off old guys. I don't really want an Old Guy anyway. Sure, the stability is pretty nice and they are already house trained since they have at least one 10+ year failed marriage under their belt. But generally speaking, they are done having kids, look ridiculous dancing at a bar, and have some pretty odd ego issues since they are dating some one who was in kindergarten during their college years. 

Also, I am not mature, at all! I interview well... I can talk about any subject and I am fun, like really fun. Not to toot my own horn-but I'm going to anyway. I am kinda funny with very little "give a shit" left in me; I like beer and can talk about anything on ESPN, this makes me Real Fun! 

Mostly, it's that I can get these idiots to open up some old wounds. Usually in regards to their 'bitch of an ex wife' but sometimes their childhood and I make them feel better about themselves. I can literally be The Most Affirming Person in The World. Just ask my Champagne Drinking Best Friend. I am this mirage of put together that sucks them in and then my adorable charm takes hold but eventually... It just falls apart and we can all thank god for that! 


I finally said to myself, "I gotta quit playing house with these old guys and find myself a nice 30-something at the start of his career with similar interests that would make the mean girls blind with jealousy over our engagement photos."

Now, to snag one of these elusive majestic creatures, you have to throw out the right bait. A well dressed fit bod with a good job, decent car and cute little girlie pad should do the trick. I do not have all of these things and therefore I am not really ready to date My Future Husband- neither the one I've already picked out or some one I have yet to meet. I am not the person I want to be, to get the kind of guy I want to get, but I am a hell of a lot closer today than I was when I started this Blog. 


Old Guys have a tendency to cut me a little slack in the "put-together" section of life because I have potential. They sort of over look some pretty major flaws like unemployed or living with my parents because they don't need me to contribute financially per say and since I interview so well, those are just temporary set backs. Old Guys are a band aid that allow me to continue living a life without taking much responsibility for myself or my horrible decisions. Just like I make them feel better, they let me stay the same. 


ENOUGH... Let's get a job! Check. Got that back on track at the end of Mr. Baseball. Upgrade the ride, check. New responsible car since I have a good job! I am well dressed but now that I work, I am in a suit more often which is Hot! Fit Bod, is sort of a hang up but a work in progress. Operation Smokin' Hot is in effect and I expect to see results by Valentine's Day. A Cute New Little Girlie Pad is my goal within the next 6 months. By summer I will be READY! 


I still meet and flirt with boys. I go on the occasional date but lately it is with boys closer to my age that I keep at enough of a distance they don't interfere with the progress I have made. I like to maintain contact with one or two potentials just for motivation. A prime example would be the 26 year old insurance agent I met at the symphony. He is 6'8'' and beautiful but happens to work for my ex-brother-in-law so other than casually hanging out that isn't going to be anything. He sure is a nice piece of arm candy and I really like telling people we met at The Symphony. C'mon, how posh is that?

My Future Husband.... AKA The Most Embarrassing Moment of My Life.

In July of 2010 my Bad Ass Brother took on a new music project at his Studio. I was asked to help him for the day as a little assistant. I'm real good at that since I can basically read his mind.

On this fateful July day I walk into see THE most gorgeous man I have ever had the privilege of laying my eyes on personally. If you know me at all you realize I use the term "most gorgeous man" frequently but this time I mean it.

I walk over to my bro and this conversation actually happens:

Me: uh, who that? (you should picture my pupils dilated to the size of saucers and my tongue on the floor)

Brother: that's 'insert real name here'

Me: yeah... I think I'm going to marry him.

Brother: great...

This project of Brother's was pretty kick ass and watching the man of my dreams all day was quite fulfilling. But then when we wrapped for the night and got a few beers in us My Future Husband KISSED ME! Fire-freaking-works!

It was a nice little parking lot make out session and then we never talked again... Until...

My brother and this guy decided to go into business together. Hallelujah! So now he's around all the time. Did you catch that Hallelujah Chorus?

So we've become buds but I really only see him when he's with my Brother. We are friendly and I am in love, and calling him almost exclusively My Future Husband. I do this so much that even my family calls him that, mostly my Fabulous Sis-in-law, but everyone knows who I'm referring to.

So my bro and my husband-to-be have started a company. I like to hang out there, in fact I am writing this from there Right Now as they work, loudly. MFH just finished his work out. I watched. I have no shame.

Back to the point of this story...

One day I'm hanging at the Bros music studio and we are having a sibling convo about me and my issues. My Future Husband is not there, neither of us think he is coming by so we have safely ventured into my master plan for actually making him a member of the family.

This night MFH has a film project playing at a local theater and Brother is having to go as a supportive man best friend. I say in a normal tone "sure would've been cool if my husband had invited me to the premiere of his film." As soon as I finish the sentence I look up from my laptop to see him standing directly in front of me.

Are you Efffing kidding me?!!? My Future Husband has walked into this giant echoing room without either of us noticing and has just heard me refer to him as my husband, not even future, in a sentence that was so detailed it couldn't even be passed off as about ANYONE else.

To make matters just a smidge worse I am stand up to say hey and give him a hug then immediately walk out the door. I am obviously mortified. I can't even play this off. I text Brother from the bathroom as he is just trying not to laugh. By the time I get back in there, composed, we all just act like nothing happened. It was awful and awkward.

I still wanna marry him...

North Carolina Must Be A Magical Place

I should start by apologizing to my childhood best friend Liv. She is going to hate this little story, it kind of involves that one time... with her brother. Woops! So Liv, I am sorry that I had a crush on your hot older not actual step brother, brother for the better part of 20 years and I am sorry that I am going to use this blast from the past to segway into a newer boy story. 

I would call Thanksgiving 2006 the best holiday I have ever experienced. I was freshly divorced so my self esteem had taken quite the beating. Liv was living the college life at film school in NYC. I was single and spending my first Thanksgiving without my daughter, since it was her dad's holiday this year. I was so happy to have her in town, I rushed straight over to her mom's house to hang out with her and catch up on the year. 


We were laying on the bed gossiping about life when the cocky yet gorgeous JD strolled in spitting lines and making plans to go to the club with one of his old friends. He and I start the flirtatious banter and just like that Liv and I are heading out with them. 

I am not sure you can fully grasp the magnitude of the torch I have been carrying for this man. He's 6' in great shape with dark hair and piercing eyes. His smile and confidence made him quite literally the man of my dreams. He has a story for everything, always the center of attention. He can dance, is educated, and has the style of a well dressed gay man. He might actually be god's gift to women... and he has done his best to bless the masses. 


We head out and the night is incredible. We are dancing, drinking and laughing until 2 am. The 4 of us, JD and me, Liv and JD's bud head back to their mom's to cap off the night. JD woke me early in the morning before the parents got up so I would switch places with his bud. Here we are in our 20s (their 30s) and we are bed swapping to keep our co-ed slumber party as PG as possible. 


Shortly after the parents arise, Liv and I head into the boys room and the four of us lay their telling stories, laughing and making fun of each other for hours. Four fully grown adults in an antique full size bed. It was hilarious. 


JD and I flirted a bit more, kept in touch some when he went back to Sweet Carolina but he is married with children now and I have successfully remained just the friend of his kid sister without any real awkwardness at family functions.


This weekend I met a new boy from North Carolina. Basically a beach bum with a software company. He is adorable and funny and only in town for a few days. He smiled at me from across the crowded  bar on Saturday night. My Champagne Drinking Best Friend was deep in her third or forth conversation of the evening with random strangers. I guess we are all friends after 10pm. 


When I made my way over to this unfamiliar face a blond in her mid thirties was chatting him up while getting a drink. She walked away to rejoin her friends for what I can only assume was intended to be a quick update but in those few seconds I snagged the bar stool next to him and ordered another drink. He introduced himself, we began to talk, he wanted to go some where a little more casual. The mid-thirties blond came back and loitered a bit but it was obvious we were leaving together... I drag my CDBF out of the bar and to a whole in the wall down the street. 

We talked until early the next morning and then more the next day. Sweet getting to know you conversations. I always say I interview well because guys are most into me the first few weeks of dating. With his impending departure he wont have time to find any of the bad stuff! 

He and I have spent every possible moment together the past few days and when he leaves I will be a little sad. He makes comments about when he'll be back and inviting me to come to the beach for a visit. I am pretty sure we will keep in touch very little if at all once he is on his way back to The Land Where Hot Guys Live but it has felt pretty great to get to know someone who thinks I'm gorgeous and will drop just about everything to spend time with me. 

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do!

It's kind of the basis for my entire blog. My reason for writing. All my best stories involve one and as humorous as I have learned to make the ending of my crazy relationships, this one is hard. Breaking up with a girl friend is not like ending a bad romance. Cutting people out of your life because it's the best decision for all involved is painful.

To understand this story, you need some history and our history is sorted. I have had a falling out with this girl before; hateful hurtful words have been exchanged. She has lashed out in a way that I have fought for years to forget. Of course to blame her completely would be wrong but I realize that the person I became in defending myself is someone I hadn't seen before and I haven't seen since.  I knew when we began talking again and I was making the decision to allow her back into my life, we would never be the same. She taught me the biggest lesson in how what you say, you cannot take back and the damage can be permanent.

Now I am not a girl friend kind of girl. The very few I have actually let in, I really let in. I love, love my girl friends. I always want to be there for them. I cannot imagine what the last year of my life would be like without my champagne drinking best friend. She is so positive and motivating. She knows when to put me in my place and when my wild ideas are best ignored and they'll just go away. I respect her and who she is constantly striving to be. She wont settle and she doesn't let me settle for less then I deserve either.

A few years ago, when the original fight took place, it was enough for me to write her off forever. I didn't initiate a reconnection and it took several attempts and a long conversation about what happened for me to want to maintain any kind of friendship. But when it did come back around it wasn't the same. I kept her at arms length for the most part. If I did confide in her, it wasn't anything I wouldn't have written on this blog about.

Likewise, she didn't call me unless she needed something or if I called her and she ignored me for any period of time I knew she was hiding something. It was either really bad and she didn't want me to know or going well and she didn't need my support. It was constantly draining and I always felt like I was giving and she was taking; there was nothing given in return. Maybe it's because I wasn't actively seeking out a return but it just didn't feel like there was anything positive being contributed to my life.

Alright, this is starting to sound mean. I do not mean for it too. I really hope that she gets everything she wants out of life. But this life that she is living is not one that I would choose, which is ok. I get that my opinion is just that, MY opinion. It has no baring and should have no baring on how anyone lives their life. 

I made the decision to completely disconnect from this relationship after hearing a sermon at church (yes, I go to church) on your five closest relationships. The gist was, show me the 5 people you are closest to and I will show you the direction your life is heading. I got my 5 and I was happy to say, that they are some quality cats. My life is looking good! But when I look at the reverse and think about who I am closest to in my deep dark scary place; the people who "don't judge" my poor decisions, I need to let them go. 

I am far from perfect, obviously. I spend lots of time dating the completely wrong men over and over. I am finally in a career that I have a shot at being successful. I am raising a little girl and I am sure I have made mistakes as a parent. Financially I am just climbing out of the hole I got myself into. I will be the first to admit... I am just as flawed as the next person. I drink more than I should; I work out less than I want; I date douche bags; I spend too much money on material things; my credit is almost terrible. I am totally flawed BUT I try. I have taken steps to better every aspect of my life, I realize my issues and I work on them. I want to be around people who are the same way.

"If you're not growing you're dying."

"Deal and Heal."

"Live the life you dreamed of"

and all those other "be better than you are" quotes.

I am sure there are people who have left my life for the same reason I am leaving hers. It hurt me at first but it made me better. I took into account the kind of person I want to be and the kind of life I can be proud of. I am thankful for the people that have been in my life at one time or another. Sometimes you just have to let the things holding you back go. It's selfishly about me and my life staying on course. It is about protecting the emotional health I finally feel I am attaining.

The Break Up Cure

Breaking Up is an inevitable part of dating. I date a lot, almost continuously, and therefore have been through a lot of break ups. Some times I do the breaking up, most of the time I don't, but either way someone leaves a relationship hurt. 

My method of healing is a combination of behaviors. I start by listening strictly to gangster rap because you aren't going to find Lil' Wayne singing a heart felt love ballad. Some retail therapy because a new purse or dress or panties (seriously, try it) gives you some instant gratification and something to look forward to. I also get all dressed up. Looking good makes you feel good and gives you an excuse to go get drunk. (I didn't say these were all healthy habits) A good night with your bestie drinking champagne in a crowded bar fully of pretty people to watch and flirt with is a nice distraction. Now I am a little old to be 'rolling home a reasor' to bed down as a rebound but I am not judging if you do, I have done it myself. I can't swear it will never happen again, but I do know that "you can't get under one to get over another." More appropriately I read a lot and write about how I feel, I process. You have to process the end of the relationship to move past it, however your process goes it just takes time. 

I have become fairly accustomed to the break up so getting over one is a shorter process now then when I was younger and actually thought I loved some of these ass holes. It's a longer process if you actual did love the ass hole. 


In the past few weeks I have had three friends all of whom I consider to be "best friends" but that is because I really liked elementary school and having a best friend and I refuse to give that up! Look out girls there are "Be Fri" "st end" broken heart necklaces in your Christmas stalkings this year! I digress, three of my best friends have all been having some major man issues this past month. 


First I have a girl friend that is desperately dating. I know that sounds negative but she is seeking the man of her dreams the only way she knows how, with hard work and determination. She is one of the smartest, quick witted girls I know. She is beautiful and funny and single. But she wants to get married and have babies. The trick is not being overly available, men like to chase. It is a fine balancing act between stroking their ego and playing coy. 

My mother's advice to me in my last break up is fitting here. Next time you meet a man you are interested in, you cannot give him all of you all at once. You shouldn't ever call but you should return calls. You shouldn't make the plans, he should. If a guy wants to see you, he will. Men aren't to shy to ask you out, and if they are well, that man can't keep up with you anyway. So don't be the aggressor. This is extremely difficult for me, I am so aggressive. It is difficult for her because with everything else in life if you go after it hard enough you can achieve it. 

I adore this girl, and hope she isn't mad reading this, but I want her to be happy. The good men are not all gone. You just have to know when to ease up, so you don't send them heading for the hills. I have sent a few running in my day with my co-dependent crazy. I hate to see her frustrated when all she should do is live her life for just her, because that is the only thing she really has control over. 

Friend number two is in one of those volatile relationships that is hot and cold. I always know when she is either really happy or in a really bad place because she doesn't talk to me. I don't think I would consider her a best friend but some one I care for very much. She is living her life and I just hope it is a life she loves. I am sure it is... Over the years I have just realized it is not a life I can really identify with. 


I battle with a tendency to become very co-dependent. But only once in my life have I allowed myself to become completely dependent on a man. Mr. Toilet supported me financially as well as emotionally. I think the major reason he went seeking another women was because I lost a part of myself in him. Things were always great between us when I was really focused on me and not on us. 


I realize that I think she is settling for a life that is less than she deserves but she may not see it that way. I see pieces of my own flawed nature in watching her stay in a relationship that is only really good some of the time. I know relationships have their ups and downs but sometimes the good really doesn't out weigh the bad, and failing is scary. I just hope she doesn't give so much of herself away that she is trapped in something she wakes up and realizes she is not where she wanted to be in her life. 

Finally, my third friend with a broken heart has lost the man she has dated off and on for 10 years. No. Seriously. This isn't even a bad episode of Sex and The City. My Champaigne drinking best friend through a course of events has broken up with her long time on again, off again boyfriend. Their history is sorted but essentially in the end, he cheated and isn't good enough for her.


Don't get me wrong she is devastated BUT she is focused on herself and healing. She has realized that this relationship is truly over and is just forcing herself through the pain. Just like any other girl who has ever lost a love, she fights the urge to pick up the phone and call him, to reopen the lines of communication, to make excues and forgive. She is fighting the desire to crack the door so he can slither back in, but she isn't allowing it. She is utterly determined to live the life he was holding her back from having. She looks better than ever due to the Zumba and lack of appetite. She is honed in on her career and making amazing strides at work. She is so disinterested in actually dating anyone that flirting with random boys when we hit the bar is sufficient. She is dealing and healing with books to better herself and some angry music. She is just doing what I wish every girl would do. She cried, then took a shower and is getting on with HER life.

Desperate Love

The story of Mr. Mexican Food (Mr. Taco, whatever) inspired the creation of this blog, you can catch up here if needed Time to Blog! Let's not get into the details because that relationship was just dumb. Quite possibly the most embarrassing decision I have made, ever. I seriously cannot think of a relationship I regret more or even a wardrobe choice that was more embarrassing and I grew up in the 80s.

The gist is for some strange reason my best friend Tia decides she knew someone I would really hit it off with, we talk about him, fb stalk him. He and I begin to chat. He tells her that he has been totally done and over his last girl friend for like three months and would love to get to know me. I don't even really know about this ex when we initially go out, just generic last girl friend BS.

For the record, I trust Tia with my life. She has known me for 10 years. She and her husband were mine and my fabulous ex-husbands best couple friends. She is literally family. So in no way could she have ever predicted the out come of Mr. Taco.

Screw it... You need the details to appreciate the outcome!

This relationship moves from zero to common law, as most of my unhealthy affairs. It's a Wednesday night, Maddie and I are headed to Tia's like we do every Wednesday. Mr. Taco is "not feeling well" and is going to eat and take a nap so he might be "out of pocket" for a few hours. A few hours pass, my phone rings, his name flashes, I answer with "Hey Babe! How are you feeling?" The voice on the other end is female.

Allow me to introduce Crazy and I mean CRAZY! I get that boys get in your head and make you do stupid things that you wouldn't normally do. You are reading this blog so not only are you hearing about the dumb decisions I have the tendency to make you are in my head with all my insecurities but this chick takes the cake. We will call her Kim because she looks like a pint size Kim Kardashian minus the money and the fame.

Kim has taken Mr. Taco's phone and gone to the bathroom at the restaurant where they are having dinner. I am taken aback by this call and everything she is saying just seems, well, crazy. So, like any confrontational aggressive women would do, I get in my car, drive the mile to the restaurant and walk into the bathroom.

When she turns to see who it is I have already hung up and say "I prefer to do things face to face." She is in a shaken state of shock, Mr. Taco has left the restaurant. I listen to her rant for about 10 minutes watching her crazy eyes, feeling nothing but pity for her. I can identify in part with the feelings of betrayal and complete loss of control.

As I was walking away and I will never forget this, she asked, "how do you get over this? over him" My response was sincere, "I'm not really sure, you just do, time really heals all I promise." Apparently, I didn't grasp what she was asking, she repeated herself saying, "No, how are YOU going to get over him." What that insinuated offended my competitive nature. "O honey, there is nothing for me to get over, this is something you will have to deal with..."

"You mean you are going to keep seeing him after this?"

"I am not sure. That is for me to decide. I can't wait for his explanation, it's probably really good."

"But after all I have told you!" she was on the verge of angry, but it was over shadowed by a tone of desperation.

As aloof as I could possibly sound, "Don't worry about me sweetheart, I'm a big girl, I'll figure it out."

This is the point in the story my gut said RUN! But I can justify almost anything so run, I did not. I get back to Tia's fill her in, meanwhile Mr. Taco has sent me a novel of an apology on my facebook. It said and I quote, including his use of caps lock but substituting the names:

        "Sunshine, for OUR benefit, I met with Kim tonight to beg her to leave me alone and move on with her life. I do not want you to think horribly of me because I lied to you about what I was doing tonight. This woman will not leave me alone and my lawyer, Matlock, has been contacted to issue a restraining order. I did change my number because she stole my phone and I want her out of my life. You MUST understand that this woman is CRAZY. I want her out of my life and I tried diplomatically and per my lawyers instructions to keep things civil but to no avail. I really really like you and can only imagine what she has done with my phone. My new number is 918-949-xxxx. ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS END THIS BULLSHIT WITH HER. I AM SO SORRY BABY AND I AM SURE YOU HATE ME BECAUSE I LIED AND I DON'T BLAME YOU BUT I WANT YOU TO UNDERSTAND ALL I WANT IS YOU. I HOPE TO GOD I HAVE NOT LOST YOU."

The weeks move on, we seem fine, charging through the steps of a relationship. Then he goes to the super bowl, and crazy emerges again. She hacks his facebook account, deletes me, ads herself as "in a relationship" with him and changes the password. Have I mentioned she is in her 30s and a court reporter, not even I can justify this frantic immature behavior.

At this point she has gotten a hold of my cell and is texting non stop. I am at my wits end, her crazy is officially rubbing off on me. But the passionate rage is something that peeks the interest of my overly competitive, antipathetic tendencies.

Then after I have spent the day playing with his daughter since school was out due to snow. He picks her up from me, and asks if he can have a night with just her. I think its a great idea, but in my gut I know something is just off. So when the phone call comes waking me up and he is telling me he hasn't been completely honest with me, I am not surprised. I know she must be listening and insisting that he confess his love for her to me right then. I am not going to give her the satisfaction of an emotional response and frankly there wasn't one.

I moved on to Mr. Baseball within the week and justice was served. You see, Karma is real. Just ask Mr. Taco. When we exchanged stuff, I said to him "I really wish you the best but this relationship with her that you are trying so desperately to hold on to, is not love. Assault, manipulation, lying, fighting, abusive behaviors, and torturing each other and the people you care about the most, is not love. And if you think this is what love looks like, we never had a chance anyway, because I would never be in a relationship like this. You have no idea what true love actually is, if this is what you aspire to be."

In the few months following they publicized their reunion. Then publicly broke up and got back together a couple times. I find humor in being so unbelievably right. I even got an apology from him for how disrespectful he was in the end to me. I ultimately took the high road, which is rare, but it really paid off. I went against my better judgement but learned in the end that my instincts are to be trusted.

Got Milk?

Do you ever sit there and think about how lucky you are? It is in really strange moments that I find myself thankful for all the people in my life.

Most recently, I was at my office Friday morning gushing over weekend plans and making jabs at my "office big brother" PotRoast, and the subject of baseball came up. We started talking about Ranger Games and my thoughts wondered to one of my Dallas buddies, Milk (B's best friend). I met B and Milk at the same time, B and I hit it off first but I've kept in touch with both.

To understand my relationship with Milk there are a few things you have to know. We communicate mostly over AIM and at work. It started when I was a Mortgage Lender in 2009. He sat at a computer all day and I did too, mostly. Somehow we started IMing and that is how we keep in touch.

You may think that it is extremely impersonal to talk almost exclusively over text but I would disagree. For example, one day I was ranting over something completely pointless but it had passionately enraged me. I was needing to vent and be affirmed of the validity of my opinion (over what I couldn't even tell you). I chose Milk as the person to listen. He willingly did this, via IM and as soon as I was done he asked, "Is it shark week?" Referring to my menstrual cycle. I hastily respond with, "why is that important?" He says, "So it is. OK I just needed to know how to respond." He followed with a completely irrational agreement to whatever it was I was in an uproar about and when I was good and calmed down he said, "I think I know you pretty well, when I can tell from Dallas, over IM, that you are hormonal." I laughed because it's true and he does.

Milk has a special place in my heart. He has given me love and career advice. He is the guy that will listen to me bitch about men and then give me a brutally honest opinion followed by a compliment to cushion the blow of reality.

The talk of Rangers brings him to mind so I log onto AIM just to say hi. He responds to my chipper "how are ya?" with a bland "ok, I guess" leaving me concerned. We delve into what's going on with him which is rare, that he vents to me.

He has committed to keeping his most recent ex's dog, while she goes away for the weekend. He is hurt because she isn't really responding to his texts, and when she does she seems distant, annoyed, or preoccupied, maybe a combination of them all. This hurts his feelings, which it should. So we go into him dealing with the solid move to the "buddy zone" and what he should do about it.

I did what any good girl friend would do, I offered to come to Dallas and take care of the dog with him, insuring her raging jealous and an even playing field. I knew he would laugh and not take me up on this, which is good 'cause I had plans. Then I said "let's say this is me and I am telling you this exact story, because let's face it this sounds like something I would do. What would you tell me?" He and I both answered with what his recommendations would be, acknowledging how difficult it is to follow your own sound advice. Understanding that she was taking advantage of his kindness. She knew he would offer to help her out and that her expectation of him was being fulfilled. I told him, he needed to be comfortable in being just friends. If he wasn't then it was time for some distance to get over her. We talked about how she would come home and communication would revert right back to her normal comfort level but it wasn't fair to have things solely on her terms. I am not sure how much help I was but I do know that I told him I loved him and that he deserved a great girl and that he was still really hot! All the things I would want to hear...

Listening to Milk and telling him how much I appreciate who he is and would do anything I could for him just showed me how blessed I am. I am lucky that I have people in my life I care for this much. He has read some of my blog, laughed at me but I know he wants me to be happy and find a good loving man to share my life with; he supports me. I am not sure he will be too happy as the subject of one of my blog posts and he might not like his nickname either.

Man of My Dreams!

I sure have been a slacker on this blog but since it is so driven by my dating there hasn't been much to say. After Mr. Baseball took the ex-girlfriend he assured me wasn't in the picture on the vacation we had planned I kind of swore off men until 2012. Mr. MexicanFood and Mr. Baseball in the first 4 months of this year is just a sign that I obviously have not figured out my major man issues. 

I may not be dating but I am not dead either. I met the most beautiful man on my birthday at this swanky rooftop bar downtown. I never go to places like this because I am a much simpler girl and the socialite scene is more than I care to keep up with but it was my birthday. So my champagne drinking best friend and my hilarious little sister take me out for some girls night fun. 

This tall extremely handsome guy was pacing past our table on his phone and I over hear his bitching about being at the bar alone. Since I am such a shy girl I turn around, interrupt his phone call and say "it's really OK buddy, we've all been there before, you are just suppose to own it." He laughs, gets off the phone and we continue to talk. A few minutes later three of his friends show up and join our table. I spend my evening laughing and drinking with the Man of My Dreams. 

He is gorgeous, has his Masters from Oregon State, works as the General Manager for the department at a University that seeks corporate sponsorships for the athletic department and he grew up in Northern California, my favorite place on Earth.  I could not have created him better myself. Did I mention he has no kids and is only 31!! Ding. Ding. Ding. 

So far I have played it pretty cool with emails and such surrounding work, there is communication but it's not like he is racing to ask me out and we haven't ventured into any real details about our personal lives. For all I know he is one of those married guys who doesn't wear a ring. I hate them... It must be how boys feel about wonder bras; false advertising. You get all excited and then BAM! Married. 

I will keep you all posted on the progress of the Man of My Dreams but I am sticking to not dating until 2012... At least for now!

In The Beginning...

I started this blog on the heels of Mr. Taco a short lived romance that had the mourning period of roughly 6 days. Then, I thrust myself straight into the next possible love of my life Mr. Baseball. Now, that has ended and although I pride myself on the ability to bounce back from these seemingly meaningless relationships, they are starting to take a toll. I call them "seemingly meaningless" because I am a believer you cannot break what is already broken. To understand where my heart became a shattered mess I am going to have to take this little diary of love back a few years and discuss The Great Love of My Life, Mr. Toilet.

It was one of those once in a lifetime kind of romances. Even given the disaster of an ending I can't help but sit here smiling thinking of how we began. The night we met I shook his hand smiled confidently and knew that he was special. I had met a friend for drinks on a Friday after work. It was March Madness and KU was in the Final Four, so I had no real plans but to be in front of a TV. Mr. Toilet walked in with a friend of his that was dating a friend of mine and we instantly connected. He was originally stopping in for one beer but that turned to dinner, to drinks at the bar, to sitting on a couch listening to music for hours and talking. He took me to my car hungover and exhausted at 7 the next morning. He had a golf tournament that he text me throughout and insisted we meet up after. We did... It was perfect. The first few weeks flew by and after months of dating we were still crazy in love. We had moved in together and were planning our lives.

The sad reality is, he didn't exist. The man I was in love with was just one side of his story. The other side belong to an attractive women in Albuquerque, New Mexico. We will call her Ruby. Ruby and Mr. Toilet met as kids on the beach in South Padre. With lots of family connections they grew up together, having several romances along the way. Some where in my fairy tale Ruby found an old phone with an old number and sent it a text. Reconnecting these childhood sweethearts with the one that got away. I am sure if you hear them tell the story of how they have come to be engaged it would melt your heart. The part I am sure they leave out is that he had already made that commitment to a little girl from Oklahoma that thought he hung the moon.

He was already planning and living this life with someone, me. So when the strain of his literal double life became too much and he could no longer keep my questions and frustrations at bay, he created a story of a possibly fatal illness to by him time. I could not make this up if I tried, he lied about having cancer and travelling to Houston to seek medical treatment. Brilliant really, I would never question something so unbelievably terrifying as the possibility of losing him to a disease that has touched my life and family in so many ways. It gave him the perfect alibi for short trips throughout the month.

Now, I know you are thinking how in the world can someone pull the wool over your eyes enough to have you believing they had cancer not a mistress? To answer this you have to know a little more about me. At 19, I was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer. I was pregnant with my daughter and married to my Fabulous Ex-Husband. I didn't talk about it much, if at all, and knowing the prognosis I put off the recommended treatment for almost a year. I literally ignored it until I couldn't anymore. So for him to use this, I understood. I never talked about it, he shouldn't have to either, it is a personal thing. It is a burden you don't want resting on the ones you love no matter how much they want to be there for you. And let's be honest, who in their right mind lies about having Cancer.

The other part of this equation leading to the belief of his outlandish lie is I wanted to believe him. I had finally found a man that I trusted whole heartily that every word from his mouth was absolute law. So I wasn't looking to prove him wrong. I was in love with him and he was everything I had ever wanted. Why would I look to mess that up? I had never trusted anyone the way I trusted him.

It ended over 2 years ago and if you ask me today I will tell you in all sincerity I will never love another man the way I loved Mr. Toilet. It fell apart in a heart breaking fashion and nearly destroyed me. I still wake up wishing that it was a dream and he and I were still spiraling towards happily ever after but we are not. I am not the future Mrs. Toilet, my prince has yet to be found. The men I have dated since have mirrored him in one way or another. Like I said originally, I am writing about this vicious cycle, hoping to find the end, knowing the common thread is me and that I am the only one who can fix it.

The Rubber Band Effect

Why do men have to be so damn predictable? Last Sunday afternoon New Guy and I were talking about our busy week ahead and how our schedules had both of us busy every night. I made some snide remark about maybe next week. Then, went into how maybe this forced separation would stave off the "Rubber Band Effect" that was sure to hit some time next week. Confused, he asked what I meant so I explained:
          The Rubber Band Effect happens in relationships where you start out with a great connection, great chemistry, wanting to be around each other all the time and then BAM! Something changes. The relationship all of a sudden slows down (or comes to a screeching halt). The guy does this retreat into his own camp using some version of the 'too much to quick' excuse. The women often responds with more pressure and wanting to talk about it, trying to maintain the established routine or see even more of the man which pushes him further away until... Rubber band Breaks.

New Guy "has never noticed this trend in his relationships" and is quick to offer assurance of his feelings. Plans change, the week frees up and we end up together... A lot. Talking all the time, seeing each other almost everyday, hanging with our kids together. It was a lot. He doesn't go out of town Saturday but makes plans with the guys, which is totally fine. I wanted to see my Champagne Drinking Best Friend anyway! But I can tell, it is the beginning of the Rubber Band Effect. 


So here we are Sunday, and our 14 phone calls a day have been 2 and our 40 texts have been 3, both initiated by me. He is in full pull away mode... Combination of justifications going on in his head but really this is par for the course. My mind races between, he has met someone new or is freaking out about how committed this relationship feels already. 


My urge is to call and address this change in behavior. This urge is wrong and will surely get me kicked to the curb, maybe not immediately but on my way. So, I am trying to follow the advice I give my girlfriends but some how rarely manage to listen to myself. I am leaving him the hell alone! 

If he wants to talk to me he will call. He is guy, a guy who likes you will make time for you. With this renewed since of 'he needs to chase me' comes the beginning of my emotional detachment. I don't want to drive myself insane thinking about what he is thinking or doing. I automatically go to dealing with it as if it is over. I know, it sounds extreme, and I know it isn't over. But it is easier to sort of move past him than to wait around until he decides to come back. 


I hate this game. I hate this theory, and how it is always correct and right on schedule. Three Weeks= Rubber band 


I will let you know when New Guy comes back (they always come back) or if he gets a nickname, Mr. Baseball perhaps and I move on to the next possible love of my life.

Houston, We Have A Problem!

I am not a big fan of Houston,TX. Just the name gives me anxiety. This is most likely attributed to Mr. Toilet's "cancer" in 2008. He would visit "Houston" at least once sometimes twice a month. Although it wasn't cancer it was another girlfriend and it wasn't in Houston, it was Albuquerque.

So New Guy is heading to Houston today for his Great Uncle's Surprise 90th Birthday Party. His father and uncle are already down there. He is just going for one maybe two nights. We are not in a place where this should bother me but it is driving me nuts.

Which brings me to my need to write today. I need to give New Guy the benefit of the doubt without being blind to anything he could be doing. I like what he and I have, I just need to trust that he isn't stringing me along to pass the time until the person he really wants to be with is ready for him.

How ridiculous is this fear? He says Houston and I automatically assume some elaborate lie to stay in Tulsa and meet up with his most recent ex. He wouldn't want me to know because he hasn't decided what he actually wants. The saddest part is this has played out, in my real life, count it, FOUR times, each one varying slightly and two of them using Houston.

New Guy and I have logged quite a few hours of relationship time over the past several weeks. There are real emotions and feelings getting involved at this point. I would be disappointed if he decided he didn't want to see me anymore and I would be hurt if he was seeing other people. But am I creating an attachment to him prematurely? Are we still in this limbo of getting to know each other, with no strings attached, and should I be more guarded?

I think he gets me, and my crazy. I think he wouldn't want to ruin our chances at least at a friendship by deceiving me. I think he is honest to a fault and if there was another agenda or another person he would tell me. But then again, I have thought this all before and been completely wrong.

I want New Guy to actually be the person I think he is, not just the next story in my laughable love life. I want him to be better than those who came before him.

I Knew You'd Say It First!

I have started sharing this blogsite with a few friends and family. Basically giving you an invitation into my head, to judge and laugh at my crazy. I have also shared every post with New Guy. He is really supportive of my writing and thinks it is a great thing for me to do. He loves hearing the way I process our relationship, at least so far. But today is the day I write my first post I do not intend to share with him. Kudos to me for never telling him how to look at this himself.

I keep referring to this constant pattern that my romantic relationships follow. This one is dangerously close to going from the exception to the rule. Last night New Guy said it, the dreaded thing that all guys I date say, way to soon before they can possibly mean it. He said it. I knew he would say it first. I don't think he even meant to say it. If my "Law and Order" knowledge is correct, technically this could be considered an "excited utterance" which would be admissible in court as a hearsay exception. Although I am not sure what part of drinking with me at the bar is a startling or shocking event.

I wish I had a picture of his face when those three little words rolled off his tongue. We were laughing and drinking beers and having an all around fantastic time together when he just blurts it out. Then his eyes get big with this deer in the headlights look and I think I am losing my mind.

Since date one, his joke has been to say, "you are going to say it first" whenever things are going really well between us. To which I adamantly respond, "Will Not." In this fog of, did I just hear that right? I ask "What did you say?" and he reluctantly replies "you heard me." So I throw my hands up like a football ref signalling a touchdown and yell "I knew you'd say it first!!!"

After the laughter dies down, I tell him it's ok, I know he has had too many beers to be held accountable for letting those three words fly. He comforts me with a line about not saying things he doesn't mean even when he's drunk. I appreciate that he is falling for me and would love to reciprocate these affections especially after the amount we have drank. But I have this sinking suspicion that this accidental outburst of feelings is going to do more damage than good. Without too much of a discussion we head to the house and go to sleep.

I want to break this pattern, I want to have a man tell me he loves me when he actually loves me. I think New Guy loves being around me. We are seemingly compatible so far but I cannot allow myself to be all consumed by the appealing prospect of being loved. So maybe it isn't that I have always found the wrong man, maybe its that I have not responded to them correctly.

I wake up this morning and the first thing I think of is how he really said it last night. Lying there I go over the pros and cons of if I should bring it up, offering him a chance to take it back. I decide against reliving last nights conversations in the harsh light of day (and sobriety). 

The choice to not over analyze the meaning of his loving declaration this early in the game is a new one. Maintaining focus on getting my life together, instead of inserting myself into his, is also new. So maybe we aren't so far into the destructive pattern that dooms us to failure.

So here I am 18 hours later with the knowledge that at least last night we were having a good enough time to extract an  "I Love You", out of him. Writing this all down, processing how I feel and evaluating my next step, might actually be working. I don't expect to hear those three little words for awhile, but know that if it is really how he feels he will say it again. When we've been dating longer than 12 days.

Ode to The Double Standard!

First I would like to dedicate this post to the New Guy, not only did he name it but he insisted it be written on the heels of "The Great Debate." Seeing as how last night I did EXACTLY what I had told him I would end things with him for doing. I went for beers with Hot Todd.


Let me paint this picture for you: I am pulling in the parking lot, on the phone with New Guy ranting about my ex-husband and needing a beer."I need to go, I'm an hour late to meet my friend Todd at Happy Hour." New Guy, paused and laughed, saying, "Is this Hot Todd? or another Todd?" Then it all comes flooding back to me, in a rush of fear and anxiety as I realize what I have done.


If I take you back to when, New Guy and I were talking about how my feelings would be hurt if he decided to go out with someone else. A little portion of that heated discussion went something like "Fine. If you decide to see someone else, I can guarantee I will do it. In fact, Hot Todd was texting me last night saying we should get together." His response was something like... "and that would be fine."


New Guy makes plans for Thursday night with his buddy, the guy he likes to play domestic partners with, although both completely heterosexual. It's the cooking classes and trading recipes that really gets people to question but they sure have fun drinking wine and making dinner together. So, I take this opportunity for cold beers with Hot Todd, not thinking of Hot Todd as Hot Todd, but as Funny Todd that I have known for 4 years. The moment I realized what I had done, I wanted to turn around and go home.


New guy swears up and down it is fine. Go have fun! Right. I wonder if he understands that by telling me it is ok to do the exact thing I would not want him to do, will not alleviate the issue of him actually doing it. And to make matters worse, should he ever decide to do this, I have no leg to stand on if (more like when) it upsets me. To add insult to injury, he adds that he will talk to me tomorrow, as opposed to later that night.


I really like New Guy, I don't want him to start forming interest in some one else. I don't want him putting effort into someone other than me. I don't want him to have dinner with his kids and parents with another girl. I want to see where this is going, without the added pressure of feeling like I have competition. I am scared that I have cracked open a door and if he chooses to let it swing open a little wider, the awesome relationship we are starting to build will be tainted. I want my mulligan! I need a do over...




Also, I wrote this little poem at about 4:30 the morning after.


O Double Standard, My Double Standard
How you have forsaken me.
Bringing confrontation and strife
And nothing real nice
To a relationship that is yet to be.


The standard I made, This standard I set
Something by which I did not abide.
Leaving me to sit here in fear
Of what could be near
Should equality choose to arrive.

The Great Debate On If We Should Date!

I am selfish. I can admit that I do not like to share, and I really don't like to share men. So from first kiss on, I am pretty much expecting to be the only women consuming a man's free time. This is not necessarily a realistic expectation, regardless it is mine. So on Day 7 of the new guy I decide to tell him about this... This was a HUGE mistake and spawned The Great Debate on If We Should Date!


The way this all got started was Facebook... O Sweet Relationship Devil Facebook how you taunt me. So I post this hilarious little ditty on New Guy's wall referencing our plans to "stay in tonight." He deletes this post and calls me. He says something about work people on his FB and not wanting to broadcast his personal life, that his posts were usually intended to be light hearted and funny not to personal. He knows this bothers me but I fake a smile and we hang up.


The little gears in my head are spinning into an over analytical paranoid haze. This simple act and explanation is consuming me. My thought is, you don't care about work, there is some one else on your FB that you don't want to have to explain yourself too. This could be the Crazy Ex that has yet to enter the picture although I am sure she exists, or the last long term girlfriend you are still "friends" with, but it isn't work. So in an effort to fully disclose where I am at, I call him back and the conversation goes something like this:


Me: "Hey! New Guy, that bothers me more than I thought it would"
New Guy: "Ok, Let's talk about it."
Me: "You are very possibly telling me the truth about your reasons behind deleting my post, but this is one of those situations where I don't believe you. Regardless, I want you to know something about me."
New Guy: (Really Hesitant) "Okaaaay..."
Me: " I know my insecurities and where they are derived from; one of the major ones is not wanting to be one of a few girls you are "seeing." I want to be with a guy who understands the mass amount of deception and manipulation I have endured over the past few years and will not feed these insecurities. Basically, if you decide for whatever reason you want to go out with someone else, then you have also made the decision you do not want to go out with me."
New Guy: "I need to process this, let's talk more about it later."
Me: "Ok."


Later that Day....


New Guy: "So I've processed and I don't think it is fair for you to ask for an exclusive commitment after a week. I am not prepared to tell you that I wont see other people."
Me: "Honey, I am not asking for a commitment, I am just telling you what will happen if you do decide to see other people."
NG: "But that is completely unfair to put that ultimatum out there. I get why you are doing it and I understand that you are just trying to protect yourself  but it just seems like an outlandish request."
Me:  "Aren't I suppose to be protecting myself, I am right out of crazy relationship. You know I am dealing and healing as well as trying to get to know a build something with you. But if you want to take the chance and get to know someone else, then I don't want to continue with you."
NG: "I really like you, and I am not actively pursuing anyone else, and in 90 Days, if you want to have this conversation and decide if we are going to date, I can do that, but not after a week."
Me: "Ok I am not telling you that you are tied to me, I am not telling you not to go, if you want to go out with someone else, just know that I no longer will want to go out with you."
NG: "I have a headache, come over for dinner later, we can talk about this more then."


That evening... Dinner was great he declined to talk about it when I brought it up while drinking wine over the fire. That was a really nice moment and a great conversation about our upbringings ensued instead. After I am several glasses in and the PG-13 makeout session has commenced, he decides we need to talk about this elephant in the room. Great.


We get into it still disagreeing and he makes some comment about wasting my time, if I put this on him, because he cannot say he wont have drinks or lunch or something with someone else. I say fine, it gets to me leaving and him saying so I guess this is it at the door and I stop. I say you know what, we have planned this night for 2 days and I have had more than a bottle of wine. I am not driving home and we are going to talk about this tomorrow, in the light of day when I am sober. He protests, saying it isn't a good idea and then his phone vibrates behind me. A text from the most recent ex. He says they started out as friends and have now ended up as friends. I don't have the energy to care. We go to bed.


The next day the issue is unresolved so doing what I do best I write him an email. I address my concern with the ex texting and the suspicious time line of him thinking it was best I go. Feeds right into my theory over the deleted fb post. I tell him I like him and I want to see where this goes so I will take what he refers to as my ultimatum off the table.


So here is the question: Am I an idiot? Or is my gut about the ex a product of the 'love of my life' having a girlfriend in another state or Mr. Taco breaking up with me to take back his Glenn Close ex-girlfriend? It really has only been a week, I regret bringing it up, should this bother me at all?