I AM TERRIBLE AT THIS... I am terrible at not talking to JFK. In the last 4 days I have talked to him multiple times each day. Some times there is an underlying break conversation and some times it is just our daily BS. He still seems to be sticking to his guns that we are over and I am just kind of acting like we are not.
When I think back over all I accomplished emotionally before JFK and I dated, I remember vowing something like this would not happen. I would not cling to a relationship with someone who no longer wanted it. I am doing that... I am refusing to let go. I think it is
sufficient to say that every day you keep holding on to this you lose it
just a little bit more. Every day I try and bring it back to where it
was I push him further away but in the moment that short term contact is
so fulfilling.
Yesterday, I called him after a long day of meetings and some frustration towards an account I want badly but may not be getting. He asked what was up and I said well when I called you earlier it was sort of to vent but I think I have calmed down. Without missing a beat he said, "You know those accounts that tell you it will be 6 months or a year, maybe longer? That is ok, because in 6 months or a year, we are still going to need to eat, we are still going to have bills to pay. That account will still be good then." I was kind of astonished, I didn't even tell him what I was so frustrated about and I asked where that little nugget of wisdom came from. He told me it was a speaker at his office and he said "when I heard it I thought, Sunshine, needs to hear this."
He was right I needed to hear that and to talk about how rough it is to have a loss even if it isn't forever and the potential gain long term is even greater. It is hard to be patient when in my line of work we are so focused on what is happening right now.
This little chat made me happy to still have him in my life and sad that he is no longer playing the role of boyfriend. Today I need to regain control of this situation. I need to make the actual effort to stop. Today I stop taking short term satisfaction at the price of long
term happiness. I know I will still want him as a person in my life in 6 months or a year but I need to take the time to heal so I am satisfied with him as just a friend.
I am not there yet, you know where else I am not? I am not ready for anybody else. I am a pretty cool chick and so the fact that the man friends are already coming out of the woodwork should be flattering. Break Up on Sunday and the requests for my company have rolled in by Thursday.
I am not ready for that at all... I am not ready to hang out with anyone who sees me as a potential relationship. I want some girl time and some time to bitch about my loss talk about how much more I deserve and move forward. Weekends partying with a guy who wants to get in my pants or dinner dates with someone who has always wanted a chance at something more, are not appealing at all. Flattering yes, actionable no.
I want to give JFK his space and for him to come back realizing how big of an idiot he is.... If that is still my primary dream. I am not ready for any one else.
