Scott Who'snotinlovewithme

BRACE YOURSELVES... This may come as a shock to you... It certainly did me. Scott Who'snotinlovewithme, is in fact NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

I guess I need to recap... I think I call him HOT BEER MAN some or maybe Mr CoorsLight. We had a phone call that I am pretty sure I knew in that moment it had changed my life. I remember every detail of our first 4 hour conversation like it was yesterday. But it was April 28th. 

We followed up our 5 hour download of each others lives with a first date. In true sunshine fashion... a weekend together at the lake. I write about him Here. I have started to write about him since but really I've just had so many other things going this story line seems to have been coasting along until today. 

I will give you the very abridged recap of this romance.... We went to the lake for the weekend had a good time, talked for another week and then when it came time to make plans for the next weekend he ended it. He said I was a cool girl and I would make someone really happy but I wasn't for him. I handled this with grace and poise, not always my standard. Played it off as no biggie and went two weeks without talking to him. 

On his birthday, which is the day before mine I sent him a quick text wishing him well and happy birthday to my birthday buddy. He said thanks and apologized for being such a douche. I told him ending things with me with honesty was never a douche move and I would always be his friend. He asked me to spend the weekend with him and so began our casual, no strings, affair. 

We saw each other maybe once a month, sometimes less depending on how busy we were. He would every so often go silent and I would force a response but never was I my usual crazy self. We did this for months. 

I actually believed it was for the best. 

You see, during the time I met Scott, I was still in the toxic nightmare that is the handyman. Scott was actually the one man that distracted me deep in the throws of emotional abuse and manipulation. Scott may not have been in love with me but he valued me. He was honest with me. He disclosed expectations. He never left me wondering where I stood. He was not in the business of hurting me, he wasn't playing me, or using me, or testing his player skills seeing what he could get away with. He just wasn't in a place to date me. 

There were a lot of conversations about this. He told me he was busy and that was true, his work life is a solid 60 hours a week. His mother is not necessarily in good health. His passion is hunting and the outdoors; he was going to be a phantom for a while and I was ok with it. 

In our usual pattern of communication I was keeping lines open and he was slow to respond. But today for some reason I woke up this morning and I was like, hey... whats going on... are you not speaking to me? Am I in silent treatment mode? What did I do to deserve this stonewall? I sent this text at 6:30am. Nothing. 

I wasn't worried or concerned about it, he works from like 5:30-5:30 every day. Not responding to me when I wake up is pretty normal. But for some reason today I did something I never do... I called. 

See he had been on my mind all day, I even talked to him with Mr. Concrete (an ex from like 13 years ago that I also do some work with) today. I told him I was loving being really, really single accept for Scott Whosnotinlovewithme. If Scott Who'snotinlovewithme would just wife me already... we laughed. So when he didn't answer I sent a text that I knew would get him to realize he was lacking in response and trigger a quick convo. I have done this a million times before with him. 

"I have questions so can we like communicate or did you get a wife and not tell me? or is something majorly wrong? Like is your mom ok? is this normal work/pre-elk season busy?" I followed that up with... "Those aren't even my questions... those are my why are we doing that no talk thing questions. I still have other questions." 

He sent a pic in a deer blind and said deer hunting this evening. 

"Ok. I feel better. Thank you. Carry on."

"Unless you got a wife and its deer season then imma be pissy. (laughing faces)"

I did not anticipate his response... I was thinking this was just like every other week over the last 6ish months. But it wasn't... 

He sends "You haven't done anything wrong. Mom is good." Then he continues with, "I am not over my ex and thats why I've been radio silent. Her nephew just died three weeks after her dad so I saw her and talked to her at both of the funerals. Stirred up a bunch of old feelings. I've decided that I'm not going to date or even be casual with anyone until after I get a chance to work things out with her. I'm willing to wait on her as long as it takes. I'm sorry."

To say I was shocked was an understatement. I don't even know what ex he could be referring to, this eternal bachelor hasn't had anything significant in at least a year maybe more.

"Oh helllllll" followed by "Man, emotionally unavailable is an understatement. I.Had.No.Idea." To which he says, "Me either."

I pause and know all of my words are coming. But here is the thing with Scott- I don't have a bone in my body that doesn't want him to be the happiest man on the planet. From the very first time I saw his hippie Jesus looking face standing in my doorway, I was hooked. But not in a codependent anxious kind of way. In fact, I would say I have followed the least of my patterns, in this casual on and off, undefined love affair. 

No matter how many times distance is created I never worry. I wasn't ever afraid he would actually ghost me and just stop talking. I never sent him a string of crazy. I have patiently and naturally gone with the flow with him and every moment together is awesome and every time apart doesn't leave me feeling like I need to communicate or be paid attention to or validated. 

I have actually said, Jesus keeps Scott from falling for me because I am not ready for him. If we tried to have anything even remotely real right now, I would wreck it. Their is no way our timing is right. So I just was fine with whatever role he was comfortable playing in my life because the long term love of my life position was not open at this time. 

I mentioned I was still wrapped up in all the heartbreak and toxicity of the handyman. Well that was true. I was still sleeping with him. I was still trying to decide if I can make it work and the moments that made me feel like I was worth more than the way the handyman treated me, were the moments I was with Scott. It wasn't the guy in Fayetteville that is so nice I don't even know how to handle it. It wasn't the smoking hot army guy that looked like Scott but with more tattoos and muscles. It wasn't the Software Company guy who knew that I had a friend named Scott who I called Scott Who'snotinlovewithme and if Scott Who'snotinlovewithme decided to become In Love With Me, no man stood a chance. 

Moving on from the handyman wasn't moving to a new shiny thing to fixate all my emotions on... I wasn't using Scott to ease my ego. In my moments with Scott I was all in on Scott and nothing else mattered. But in my moments home, Scott was never my motivating factor. Everything was playing out for me like he wasn't a factor at all, because he wasn't. I wasn't co-dependent me with Scott. I was just me, and nothing else mattered. 

So I read his words and I calmly paused... then wrote him a white box good bye text. I told him I wanted him to have everything he could ever want in the world and if it was meant to be it would happen. To trust and believe that. I told him I would never be upset because he had always been honest. I finally told him how important he had been on a journey he didn't even know I was on. 

Then I hit send and I cried. 

I can't believe I cried. I am not losing a man that was ever mine. I am not losing someone that I built a dream house with in my mind, or had a 5 year plan in my head, we never had a single "if we end up together" conversation of what that would look like. The only thing I knew about Scott was that he was important to me and a vital character in my story. 

I told Scott that although he wasn't privy to my struggles and heartbreak and all the drama going on in my life because my sole goal was to keep things light and airy and easy with him; he was still impactful. I told him of the strides I had made while he wasn't even paying attention. I told him the healing I had done and the boundaries I had set for myself with other men. I told him thank you for being more to me than you knew. Then I told him good bye. 

Scott is the closest thing I have ever seen to the man of my dreams. When I read him the description of this man from this post a year before he paused. He said I don't take compliments well, and I don't know how to respond to this, thank you for sharing and I think I could be this man. I knew it. In my gut I knew this was the closest I had ever come to the real life manifestation of my dream guy and future. 

So as I sit here writing, processing what the last 6 months have meant to me and how this person has played a supporting role he wasn't even aware he was in, sometimes, I wasn't even aware he was in it. I cried. 

But I don't feel like I am losing anything, like I said Scott was never mine to lose. 

I feel like I was just getting there. I feel like I was becoming the version of me that I wanted him to really see. The version I was excited for him to learn and know. I felt like the last month of change and growth was so important. I felt like the reasons "Jesus was keeping Scott from falling in love with me" were finally changing for the better. I think that is where this sadness is coming from, I was working on me. Not for him by any stretch but I was working on me and the whole time I have known him, I have thought when it is right this man will not be able to do anything but fall for me. Because I am perfect for him. Literally. In every possible way. 

I know that sounds cocky and frankly, if it were true why would he have been so distant and hesitant. But it is... I still believe that when I told him all about me when he said... "If someone asked me what I thought the perfect woman would be I would just copy and paste what you just said." That was 100% true. It was confirmed for me every single weekend. No matter how many walls were up. No matter how emotionally unavailable we both have been, I thought it was for a reason, for the best. I thought that this one, was destined for more. That I wasn't supposed to settle and neither was he. 

So I am sad, more so than I would have thought because Scott dating other people never felt like a threat to me. I wasn't ever jealous and lord knows I am the jealous kind. I really just relaxed and somehow believed it would all work out; if it was supposed to, it would work. 

But this resolve he has to wait for her. To not try anything else until he can give it one more chance with her. To be a partner and a lover and a friend to someone, not just a selfish emotionally distant workaholic. That she is going to get the effort I know is in there. The words, "I am going to work every day to keep that smile on your face." Will be for real and for her... not just words of excitement about the thought of something new. That stings. 

Do I think they will work? I don't know but I care for him enough to cheer them on and find happiness. If she fulfills him and excites him and challenges him and makes him want to be the best version of himself and loves him the way he needs to be loved. Then I hope so. 

I won't pretend that I hope he doesn't just shut me out. I hope we keep talking. That we keep the friendship we have going. I hope this isn't goodbye. I hope he stays in my life in some capacity. Having him as a friend that is in love with someone else doesn't feel painful. I think it is the fear that I wasn't more to him too that I am afraid of. The fear that I genuinely wanted to be in his life regardless of sex and good times. I wanted to know him. I wanted to be his friend. But what if he didn't want that. What if I was just a once a month booty call. What if I connected with his personality, heart, and mind; and he just liked fucking me. 

I think that is where the sadness and fear come from... because in my time knowing him I have changed. I have set new boundaries. I didn't so much with him because it didn't feel necessary but every other man vying for my attention wasn't getting sexual intimacy as a factor for wanting to be around me. I was asserting that I had value without fucking and I am weaning out the Handyman's instead of allowing them to exploit my vulnerabilities. 

I haven't slept with anyone but Scott in months. I know that shouldn't be like a pat on the back thing but lets all be honest. Men expect sex when dating more than ever before. The third date being for sex is pretty standard and joked about on all social media platforms. Its an unwritten rule and all of a sudden, my self worth had gotten back to a place where I don't need to play by those rules. If a man doesn't want me because I don't put out quickly then I do not want him at all ever. 

Scott is going on his path to find love with someone he thought he lost and was over. I am going down mine expanding upon the growth he didn't even realize he was contributing to. 

The lack of stress, the lack of drama, the ease in our interactions, the way we connected on day one, and how not having his full attention felt like it was good for my journey to a better me. I learned a lot from Scott Who'snotinlovewithme. 

I don't even think I understood how much until today. 

An Apology to the Character Previously Known as Chuck’s Mistress

I OWE THIS WOMAN ONE HELL OF AN APOLOGY. I don’t want to make excuses I was catty and I was rude. I took the “story” told to me by the Handyman as truth. I mean there is no reason to lie to me - at least in my fairly normal mind but alas not all men are wired that way. 

When I first met The Handyman a part of his story was an openness about how heartbroken he was at the loss of his marriage. How much he loved his family and life with her, but that she was unfaithful to him. He painted a picture of two wild players that both were seeing other people and finally fell in love and stopped and created a life together. In his version of the story, he stopped seeing other people and she continued to want an open marriage. 

I am going to pause here and acknowledge that I firmly believe there are two sides to every story and although to him, I was the Vice President of the HeMan Woman Hater’s Club he was forming. I wasn’t really judging her. I know people a little, and at the time I was falling into this trap, I was overly confident in my ability to read people and trust my intuition... More on that later. 

But when Chuck’s Mistress reached out to me at the beginning of March, after realizing The Handyman and I had broken up in February. I was really forthright and honest with her. I told her I was someone’s evil ex wife too and I take all the one sided versions of breakup stories with a grain of salt. So no need to explain herself. I also said, I appreciated her offer to talk or meet if I ever needed anything but that I was not going to be taking her up on that because I knew that would be the end of any chance with him, and I wasn’t ready to burn that bridge with something that would feel like such a betrayal. 

Let’s take a moment to rename her My Gemini Twin... It so happens we are two days apart. Same year. I knew we were close in age and birthdate because The Handyman almost didn’t go out with me when he heard my birthday. Whether you believe in that kind of pseudoscience or not, this girl and I have a lot in common, as I will come to find out. 

This conversation leads to The Handyman and I communicating again after our February break up. At the same time, My Gemini Twin is filing a harassment and stalking charge against The Handyman. She has 90 pages of texts and calls and emails from December. She has two Protective Orders against him. HE “misses me” misses his “best friend” and would like to see me. He needs someone to tell him he isn't the monster she is painting him to be with all these charges and accusations.

We spiral into this house playing happy family as Covid hits in March and quarantines begin. He tells me he isn’t wanting to be exclusive because he is “soooo broken by her” and he wants to justify his promiscuity as self care. Not being obligated to anyone. 

He also uses sex for work. He begins sleeping with a Client with a prominent last name - we will just call her Z here. He also has rekindled his relationship with The Cougar he cheated on me with when we were all in love and traveling and having a wonderful time in a committed (at least for me) relationship. So the cougar, Z, an EMSA paramedic who’s reputation is so stellar a man with a vasectomy uses a condom, and some chick he went to High School with are all making appearances in his bed. Z he is sleeping with solely for a commercial job and he literally cries about how bad he feels about this in moments of contrived vulnerability. Same with The Cougar - she moves to scoring him some remodel jobs and is back in his rotation. 

Then there is me... I AM AWARE of all of this and I am STILL around. I am seeing other people. I am emotionally detaching. I am living for the moments of goodness and normalcy. I am the one making dinner every night, helping with work, I am literally designing the projects and giving input and creating scopes for everything he is doing at the Z project. I AM A DESPERATE IDIOT. 

To be fair, to MYSELF. I will come to realize that I am dealing with not just a narcissist but one of the most impressive manipulators the police have ever come in contact with, that I am dealing with an actual psychopath by Psychology standards. I have no idea how far this man is willing to go. 

This new found, role of how important I am to him, I am not like the other girls. I am the one he doesn’t have to wear “the mask” as he refers to it. I am the one who sees the “real him.” I am the most important woman in his life and he is hopeful he will someday be ready to try and have a real relationship with me. This pathetic scenario plays right into the cycle of Affection and Affirmation followed by Alienation. 

The Handyman is a pro. He has me trying to figure out what I need to do to get him back. He has me sacrificing my own emotional wellbeing and making changes to myself to somehow win back the man who was so in love with me in the beginning. I have lost 30lbs at this point so the man who, and I quote “loves my heart, my mind and everything about my soul, will someday also love my body.” I am super woman and paying for things for him. Groceries, games, educational projects for his kids. Dinners are made, the boys are watched and their school work is monitored. I am the best babysitter and personal assistant on the planet for this man. 

I am hanging on to the part of him that is good and decent; the part I have convinced myself is real and this promiscuous broken man, that is the part that will heal and go away. WHY AM I SO STUPID? 

This man warns me. He tells me: 

“I am not good for you.” 

“I will hurt you.” 

“This is not healthy.” 

“You should have left the first time I cheated.”

“You need to create better boundaries for yourself”

“You are more fucked up than me, because you are still here.”

“Wonder what is wrong with you, that you stay?”

AND SO ON... These are just a few gems but not to be outdone by... “EMOTIONAL ABUSE LOOKS REALLY GOOD ON YOU.” In a conversation about me not being able to eat when I am so stressed. He acknowledged my weight loss and improved attractiveness in his eyes as a result of his emotional abuse. 

RUN.

Nope... I stay... I stay and I stay... Two instance happen before I finally leave for good. 

Beginning of April: in a moment of strength to see this chapter finally close. I meet him to collect my belongings. I log on to my computer he is borrowing and he has added his Apple ID to it so, I can see his texts. Facing the multitude of women all getting the same “good morning beautiful” texts, selfies, and photos of his day, and work - the same pictures I get checking in with me. Makes me sick. The gathering of all of my personal belongings. Clothes, shoes, toiletries, expensive wines from trips together. Things of value he has been using. In between that moments of apology and his fits of rage... this takes some time. I will go more into detail of this incident another time but for now lets just say he broke some valuables, threatened me physically, and I left his house with the majority of my things minus what I could not fit in my car and a shattered cell phone so I couldn’t call the police. 

Mid May - I come home from a cookout with him, covered in bruises. The sexual variety. The kind of bruising that has happened on my body one other time. The time I was raped at 17 at the lake. Very similar bruising to that traumatic experience 20 years ago... almost to the week. 

When these two instances happen, I reach out to my Gemini Twin. In April, I don’t tell her much. I just want to understand her story. I even said to her selfishly, I need to hear your side of things because I need to better understand what I am going through. They are still going through the divorce and at this point, I am not willing to divulge much that will confirm I am indeed in communication with her, because I am still not ready to lose him. I am attached... I have been love bombed and then I have been left trying to figure out how to fix myself to make him happy. 

The second instance, the bruising, the grey in how that came about and the pieces i remember that feel like a dream because how could he do that to me? That time. I asked her to meet me. I told her everything... I told her not to rat me out that I had been in communication with her until I was able to get a few things but at this point we have been communicating since March and when I finally remove the veil of “he is different with me” and tell her the WHOLE TRUTH. I find the pattern. 

I meet the woman before My Gemini Twin as well... The pattern of behavior is further revealed. I see this man. THIS MONSTER. She tells me a much more believable and logical tale that starts to match up with the educated guesses I was able to make regarding the failure of his first marriage. She tells me things her therapist has told her and gives me things to look for in my own behavior so I can process the ABUSE I have been enduring since December. 

I spend the end of June and most of July trying to get my things returned to me. Not wanting anything to do with him again ever. I just want my stuff. I want this chapter closed. He refuses. 

So I decide I am going to fire a warning shot... I make a post on Facebook about abusive relationships and how there is a legal way to have your personal property returned. I blast that I am going to file a Replevin to get a judge to sign off on a Writ. This will allow me to pay a Sheriff $50 to escort me to get my personal items. He undoubtedly sees this... from one of the many mutual friends.

He once made a post with photos and accusations on Facebook about my Gemini Twin and was swiftly served with ANOTHER Protective Order. In his mind you can "get a protective order against a ham sandwich." So, he decides to try and get a PO against ME... He makes some really low blows in his documentation, attacking me physically, writing that I weigh 20lbs more than I do and referencing stains on my teeth that are birth defect from my mother taking tetracycline while she was pregnant. So he writes that my distinguishing features are stains on my teeth and a wide face. 

His Protective Order is denied... As soon as I am aware of this. I file one of my own. Knowing his violent tendencies and understanding his pattern of assault and stalking. Mine is granted. I also file two Police Reports. One for the domestic assault, vandalization of personal property, and the other for sexual assault. Both of these are pending going to to the DA. Both of these I am heavily pursuing and both should have been done immediately following the incidents. 

I am out of the Fog at this point. I am realizing the manipulation he used. I am seeing the pattern. I am not the first, I am not the second, I am not even the third... So I KNOW this is not me. I know he is the monster. I know he used Church and prayer to make himself seem safe. I know he smothered me with affection and attention in the beginning all while sleeping around and lying to me. I realize his back and forth game. Maintaining ties to me to manage my perception of him. I see him as the full blown narcissist that he is and I am PISSED. 

I am so angry with myself. I am so angry for the position I put myself in, that I allowed him to hurt me, physically and emotionally. I am also terrified. I sit down with a Police Officer and as soon as I mention his name, he knows exactly who I am talking about. He tells me I am not afraid enough. That I need to know he is the most manipulative person he has seen and the countless times he has driven by my Gemini Twins house in an effort to intimidate her. He tells me how he would go and sit there at 3am. All I can think about is the firearm not registered to him and how when he snaps - he will kill us. 

I know he has massive anger issues. I have stood eye to eye with him, with a fist in my face. I know the stories of him attacking his children. Of punching my Gemini Twin. I have seen him reach out to strangers in an effort to get dirt on her, smear he reputation. I completely know the kind of emotional terrorist I am dealing with and I am not backing down. 

For once, I am standing front and center. I am standing up for the chorus of women saying this is not ok. We will not be treated like this. I am documenting his behavior so when the next girl googles this nice sweet charming retired firefighter that they meet online or at church or in home depot. They will see not one, but two women standing up to him. It is a lot harder to explain why you have 4 POs against you from multiple women than it was to justify it as lies and a strategy used in divorce. I am not divorcing him... I am taking my belongings and I am protecting myself. In the process I am hopefully protecting someone else. 

My Gemini Twin has been instrumental in my healing process. She has helped me step out of the cloud and see clearly where I was taken advantage of... She is a force and a survivor. She makes me feel seen, heard, understood and without her, I am not sure I would ever have the strength to move forward with holding this monster accountable for his actions. 

My PO has been extended through November. The Police are actively investigating the two reports I have filed against him. The DA will determine charges and a judge told him, he had to return my personal property to my father. All in all... I feel like no matter what the outcome of charges and punishment - I am still a winner. 

This man might think about his actions the next time... or he might not but at least the next woman will have a chance at seeing what they are getting into before it is too late. 

Overly Optimistic

I OWE CLOSURE ON THE HANDYMAN although it’s a story I am not sure has ended and I have been facing it without writing here. For the last month we have moved to being friends. He’s seeing other people. He’s still messed up from his divorce. He isn’t even completely divorced. He loves me but would rather have me as a a friend than hurt me. 

After about a month of processing. Negotiating. Hang on. Letting go. Adapting. Playing house. Breaking up in a big extravagant fashion. Taking space. Becoming friends. I have started looking for someone else to spend time with. The thing is... I keep looking for someone I’d rather talk to than the handyman. 

We broke up so he could find someone he didn’t really care for and I moved on looking for someone I love more. 

Best friend Kasey and I run up to the lake last weekend. It was a weekend full of girl talk and both of us playing on our bumble seeing who was around. Enter Mr. CoorsLight. 

Mr CoorsLight shows up at the lake. Has a couple standard pics that I swipe right on: camo and beard. I kick it off with just asking about the lake. He said he was up there getting the lake house ready. Then I asked where home was he said Lawton. I said ahhh... I’m in Tulsa. That was it. 

Two days later I get another read one message. Asking me if the waders in one of my pics were mine. I said yes... I’m kind of awesome. He said you are definitely awesome. To such my response was; I’m pretty cool you don’t know anything about me... how about I give you my highlight reel... then I sent him this:

I’m almost 37 and have a almost 17 year old daughter. She’s going to be a senior next year and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to handle life with her not under my roof. May have to move closer to where ever she goes to college. 😂 not even kidding.

I work in marketing. I’m a consultant for digital strategy for large media organizations. So I work with their departments to make best use of first party data and targeted advertising.
I love everything. My dad totally wanted a boy. So I am into all the dude stuff. I love to hike, camp, ski, fish, climb, I’ll sit in a deer stand, I can throw a pretty tight spiral and know more about all sports than most dudes. I can hit the ball every time I swing a golf club and rarely lose a ball. I love a medium rare steak and a great red wine. I wear shorts and boots as much as possible. I am an excellent cook, not just baker, I can throw down in the kitchen. Work out 5/6 times a week. Love to travel. Collect bourbons. Read a ton, mostly business Books or psychology. Super into people and connection. Love Jesus. Cuss like a sailor. Fuck on the first date if the chemistry is there. Straight shooter. Always honest to a fault. Appreciate that in others. And I unapologetically want a good looking best friend that I like to sleep with... that’s the goal. Not worried about marriage and don’t really care for more kids. So I’m kinda just go with the flow all the time.

I spend too much money. My house is only clean when I’m in a relationship. I don’t like scary movies or raw tomatoes. I have terrible taste in men. I’m an over communicator, over analyzing everything. My mind rarely slows down. I probably drink too much. I enjoy pot way more than I should. Not sure how I waited until it was legal but I did. Boom. Not much else to know... I’ll let you process all that. 😂🤣

His response was amazing: 

If someone asked me what I thought the perfect woman would be like I’d just copy and paste what you just sent me.

I’m 41 and divorced for over 10 years now. No kids but I’m one hell of an uncle. I’m the 3rd generation of that family business. We’re Coors distributors down here in SWOK. I’m currently the brand manager while also taking on more of my dads work load as he’s looking toward retirement. We have a family ranch in the Wichita mountains where I’ve spent lots of my life hunting, fishing, and raising hell. I love to ski as well and bought my first pair of custom fitted ski boots this year. Absolute game changer that I should have done 10 years ago. I’d wear boots, jeans, and a T-shirt everyday if I could but I’m just as comfortable in a suit. Love food but my perfect meal would have to be a rare+1 tomahawk with a nice bottle of cab sav to go along with it. I’m tired of doing awesome stuff and not having someone to share those adventures with.

I was impressed. He responded in kind; with his own highlight reel. My attention he grabbed. I responded to his diatribe with “I think I’m in love”. He said that he wanted to take me to dinner this weekend. I sent him my cell phone. 

Now this was Tuesday night. I had actually made plans with a different guy for Tuesday night but I was not in the mood to clean my house. We had spent some time on the phone and for some reason I didn’t feel like we completely meshed. He was cute. I dunno. Me. CoorsLight sends me a text. I return it with a phone call. 

Cancel my other plans. 

Four and a half hours later we have phone dated to the point I have to meet this man. The similarities are astonishing. Not just in personality but in like weird coincidental ways too. For instance; I ask his last name it starts with an E. I distinctly remember a conversation with my sis in law after my little sis got engaged. She said you’re going to need a man with an E last name. I was like whatttt... she was like yeah. That’s apparently the best luck in our family. Look, I’m Shannie S and Becca is about to be Becca B. You need to be Emily E. For some reason when Mr CoorsLight told me his name I flashed back to 2011 and that conversation which I don’t think I have thought of in almost a decade. 

The next moment I paused after many Frozen like, “finish each other’s sandwiches” moments I asked his birthday. May 27th. I’m the following day May 28th. He tells me his sisters names and my first and middle name are the same. As if that’s not enough. His sisters daughter has the same name as mine, same spelling. 

Let’s not forget we have literally everything in common. This man is gearing up to take over the family business. He goes to the lake all summer. The cabin in the fall where he grew up hunting and fishing. He skis in the winter and wants to spend New Years at his cabin in Beaver Creek. He played golf in high school. He doesn’t want kids but he has been married. Raised Methodist. Super close to his family. Talks about his friends. OU football season ticket holder. I mean he is 6’1” with a beard. I’m just floored at all the boxes he’s checking. His openness and letting me learn all about him. 

After 4.5 hours we come up with a plan. He’s coming to Tulsa Friday. If we hit it off; he said we can run up to the lake for the weekend. It’s going to be nice. By the time we finally hang up the phone - I’m just planning on him coming to get me and spending the weekend with him. 

I don’t know where my ability to connect with someone like this comes from. Maybe it is because I’m such an open book no know myself so well and I am unapologetic about what I’m looking for. You remember my post this summer: I have met him... well I haven’t actually met him yet. Where I put my hearts desire for a future partner in detail down. Manifesting him. Praying for him. Hoping I’d find him. 

I wrote that and I have been close to finding it. The handyman; flawed as he is came close. He wasn’t tall but the rest of it was there. I hung onto that longer than I should have. But I walked away feeling really ok with what was meant for me will be mine. That I loved myself enough to not keep on breaking my own heart with him. That I could keep him in my life as a friend. Hear the stories of the women he was filling the void of his ex wife and now me. I let go and chose myself at a faster rate than any time before. 

But Mr CoorsLight is saying all the right things. I’m captivated. I’m excited. I can’t wait to kiss him and see if it’s there. If we have that spark. The undeniable energy. If the chemistry I feel over FaceTime and texting and hours upon hours of conversation translates in person. Man, I’m in. 

No matter how many times my relationship fails I never cease to remain hopeful. That the man I deeply desire is coming to me. That the ones before have prepared me for him. The dreams and ideas I have for the future include a long term life partner. A best friend to do life, have adventures, and build something with is going to happen. That I am going to get the great love of my life that wants me for the next 40-50 years. 

Mr Coorslight has taken my focus from the Handyman. He has given me hope that there is a faithful, fun, steadfast man coming to love me. He’s as excited about me as I am him. He is as wowed by our similarities as I am and he is going to come pick me up, kiss my face, whisking me off to a weekend learning each other, just us. 

I’ll keep you up to date...  

Tell Me Your Secret

“Tell me your secret” was a comment on a Facebook photo of the handyman and me. An adorable couple picture from a trip we took to Napa when we first started dating. When I first read it I wanted to reply and say there is no secret. This man is a train wreck and all you see are happy photos because this is Facebook. You want to know the secret to dating near 40? People are broken. 

That’s the secret. Every person dating at my age is broken. Heart broken with some massive damage to trust and self esteem. Every one of us is carrying the burden of lovers lost. The mistakes of the ones me drove away. The heart ache of betrayal by a person we invested in, and trusted. We are all broken. 

The secret is love. Real love. Not the what can you do for me love but the kind of love that just says, I’m going to be the best version of myself for you. I’m going to love and respect you and navigate this relationship purposefully trying to do the very least amount of damage to you. I’m going to hope and pray we work out but I’m going to love you so much that if we don’t, I want what’s best for you and hope you find what you need. The secret is a selfless love with low expectations and a massive amount of commitment. 

Crazy right? Sounds like setting yourself up for heartbreak and failure. If I have no expectations for the handyman. For the time he allocates to me and this relationship. No expectations of the way he loves me, how he tells me he loves me, how he shows me he loves me. No expectations for his side of this, I just know I love him and I am committed. How can that possible work?! 

Frankly, I don’t know. I’ve not ever tried it this way. But my mother who is happily married to the love of her life and found him at 38; has always told me to lower my expectations and up my commitment. 

I think this kind of love takes a like minded person. A man with a relationship with God that holds him accountable to something much higher than his loyalty to a girl he’s been dating a few months. That he has to know how to lower his expectations of me too. That he isn’t expecting me to only do and act the way he needs but that he is allowing space for me to be who I am and honor what I want in life and love as well. I think it takes two people lowering expectations and upping there commitment in the hard times. 

That’s exactly what I did last week. When the pain and trauma and the world felt like too much crashing around the handyman. When the only part of life he felt he could exercise control over was our relationship and he demanded space. He wanted to end it so it wasn’t a burden. I didn’t walk away. I lowered my expectations and I upped my commitment. 

I stopped forcing my level of communication on him. I stopped expecting him to know and understand all of the thoughts running through this head. I paused my “so many words”. I stepped back in the day to day and only sought moments of convenience as how I could be in his life. I showed him my love and commitment by serving him. One of my most dominant love languages is acts of service. So instead of demanding time and attention from him. I gave him back his time and let him control his focus. 

The results were great for both of us. I was more focused at work. I had a greater sense of accomplishment in my day to day. I enjoyed the couple of coffees I dropped by and I solved a problem every time I stepped foot onto his job site. I made my presence as much as a help and benefit as possible. In return, I got a happy loving boyfriend. 

He slowly came out of his hardened shell. He slowly relaxed back into the space our relationship takes up in his life. He started to see the value and trust that we aren’t a depletion of time and resources. He saw my independence again. He took space and he looked forward to seeing me for an afternoon coffee. He took time to drink a glass of wine and unwind with me late night after a 12 hour long work day. He met me at the gym on Friday when I was going anyway. 

When I asked for a plan for Sunday and told him what I wanted and he said no because he already had an idea in his head but then he included me and Maddie in his day. I felt like that was how it was supposed to be. 

He stepped up for me too. He called in the morning and he called at night. He took on my need for communication in the times that I wanted it most. We had days to catch up on and full eachother in on. He listened and advised when I had problems arise. 

So the secret to my seemingly happy relationship is a whole lot of patience wrapped in even more trust, with an unwavering amount of commitment and persistence even when he is ready to toss in the towel and take a vow of celibacy as a beer making monk. It’s not always easy and it’s definitely not comfortable. It goes against every selfish human  instinct that comes naturally. But it’s worth it. This man I wish he saw himself the way I see him. I wish he understood his value and the way I love all his pieces. Maybe someday he will. But for now I’ll just take the moments we have together and be so thankful he is mine. 

The End of the Cougar... and Other Lessons.

THIS WEEKEND WAS PERFECT. This week was restorative. Last weekend was harder than it should be. This relationship has tested my resilience. This man has pressed all my boundaries. He has let his damage drive his decision making and he has TESTED me. 

Sunday the Cougar reared her ugly head for what I hope is the last time. But a part of me has to be kind of thankful. I am thankful for the 3 hours of emotional conversations that followed. The decision that the temptation of her wasn't nearly as appealing as he originally thought. I am thankful for the raw communication between us and the disapproving looks from his mother at the thought of being untrue to me. I am thankful it was a tipping point. 

I can't bring myself to get more into the details but basically, she contacted me again after reading a strategically placed facebook post. It might be beneficial to know that I create Digital Strategy for giant companies for a living. That I tell people how to use Facebook/Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, and all other forms of Google to drive their desired results. It probably also would make sense that I have used social media as a form of accountability when dating the sex addict. I know how to extract the information I am looking for; I am the reason you think Facebook can read your mind. 

So for as real, vulnerable, and on my heart the post about being chosen was... it was also public, and at an opportune time to be searched by someone checking to see if the Handyman was still with me. 

We had a good weekend. Our Saturday was amazing. I met his youngest son, who I get along with smashingly. We found lots of common ground and I know our time together made the Handyman's heart simultaneously sore, and leap out of his chest in terror. 

Decisions were made. My persistent, confident, no nonsense personalty took over and I decided that this relationship, was still worth it. But HE decided more than me. He realized what he was doing. The self sabotage, how much he loved me. He owned up to his mistakes. He tried to push me away. But ultimately, he gave me exactly what I needed. 

I think it is important to note, this is not the norm. That the calm manner I have been able to handle these fractures in our trust is nothing less than divine. I am not the jealous crazy person to the extent that I have known myself to be. I am forgiving. I am not interested in keeping score. I understand his thought process, his pain, and what pushed him to any point. I see his issues as his, and I am not owning them as my own. It was never for me to figure out. It was all about him and I can tell you I would certainly rather go through these growing pains early. I want the questions in our compatibility to come quick. I don't want to be a year in and be blindsided by this shit, and a lot of women are... 

If you are going to look for better, look for better sooner rather than later. AND by all means realize you are a moron. Just stop. 

So after that teary evening together, hashing out all our pain and fears. Monday he hit the therapist... Thank GOD. I was a little weary of what he might say. Too much too quick. This is too serious. What are you doing... But no, he was so encouraging of the finality and moving forward. He encouraged him to be happy. To not punish himself. Even better than that, he said stop being a shithead. That isn't you. You aren't Chuck's Mistress. Go be the man you want to be. 

That is what it took, because I could tell him until I am blue in the face, you are making decisions that are out of character. But it wouldn't matter. It doesn't have any weight coming from me: Don't be an unfaithful dick, not for me, but because that isn't you, and you have to live with you. Don't lie because lying makes you feel guilty and horrible and you are the one that lives with those horrific feelings of betrayal. 

It means nothing when I say it, but his trusted advisor... That is what we needed. 

So here we are a Disney vacation later and we are stupid happy. I am so confident in who he is and what we are doing. This is the man. This is the steadfast, loyal, capable, caretaker that I fell in love with instantly. This man that knows me and reads me, and manages my meltdowns, that feels my stress. He is exactly what I have hoped for and wanted my entire life. 

We are so obnoxiously in love people comment on it. A woman sitting across from us at a restaurant bar, after hours of watching us interact and talk, and kiss and just love on each other yelled; "you are a lucky girl." Before I could ever respond, he said, "no I am the lucky one." I just added, "I know, I am so unbelievably lucky. We are lucky. We know we are so lucky." 

It is that kind of connection I have always wanted. The one other people see and think, how? What do they have? Because the answer is, we built this thing on faith and Jesus. It was when I stopped trying to control it. When I became ok completely alone. It was when he stopped looking for superficial wins. Man, when we relinquished control and just said ok God, I see you. This feels right. That is when my heart was blessed by a man that quietly prays over me when I lay on his shoulder. That out loud lifts my baby's safety and security and happiness up before her big weekend. That tears up like a parent when she WINS. He loves me well and I have said that since day 1. Despite our growing pains, our questions, and our damage. He loves me like I have never been loved before and I am as #blessed as they come because of it. 

So it wasn't a perfect week. There were tears, it was a busy one. But damn we really made an effort, and a commitment to eachother this week. For that I am so grateful. 

Rollercoaster of Love

TODAY CAME WITH AN ARRAY OF EMOTIONS AND TONIGHT I CANT SLEEP. I gotta get some of this out of my head so my body can rest. 

The story I wrote this morning gave me some clarity. When I called the handyman to coordinate work stuff today and he asked how I was; I wasn’t fine. I was distant. I was hurt. I was uncomfortable with where we were but I wasn’t willing to leave him hanging. 

When we met it was similar. I wasn’t overly affectionate like a cat purring at his legs begging for attention. I was focused. I wanted to get some shit done. Make a plan and be sure we were moving his stuff in the right direction. I wanted to reduce his overall stress and get on with my day. 

He turned the conversation back to us. He apologized. He owned his failure. He reconciled. He acknowledged that reading the description of how he felt and what he was hoping for in 2017 when he really started dating chucks mistress - that same statement could be made about me and he knew it. He realized he was an idiot. He understood he was pushing me away; self sabotaging the good thing our relationship was in his life. 

He gave me what I needed validation and an apology with an assurance of changes behavior. Then he asked me to go to the gym and I happily agreed. 

When I took him back to the job site after these conversations- I said did we just get back together with out the caveat that you can’t be accountable to this real relationship. He said, I think we did. 

He thanked me for staying. For not letting him destroy us. 

So after work, we went to the gym. 

I loath the gym but he LOVES it. He’s like a kid in a playground. He could spend all damn day there. I can barely walk in the door without having a panic attack. But I love everything we do together and the gym is one of those things. The first time we went I was an anxious wreck. I complained. It hurt. He patiently made me keep going. The second time we went it was better. I was super self conscious of my arms in the mirror and the way I looked. But a week later, I wanted to go. 

I wanted to do this with him. I like the way he works out with me. We don’t go do our own things. I force him to do legs and he makes me really do squats. I am so proud to run around that place with my smoking hot man that lovingly smiles at me while I work out with him. 

I want the endorphins and the muscle definition and the slimmer waste line so bad. I want to show him my work ethic can be tailored into really good habits. That the way I’ve become complacent and lethargic with my physical health is something that I want to fix. That i will see his passion for fitness and be a worthy partner in that. 

I’ve needed someone to push me to this for a long long while. So the gym. The physical activity that we do together running around there for an hour and half was the bonding time I needed. It was what I wanted to do with my night. 

Then we ate salads and parted ways. Him to his house to spend some time with his boy and me to mine to take a hot bath and veg out. 

We’ve been texting and our conversation turned back to our good day. Then to my blog. He read it. Then he responded with more of a confession than I needed but I think he felt like I deserved some validation in being right even when it was something I didn’t want to be right about. He said he’d do whatever I need. So I told him. I need it gone. I need to never speak of it again. I need the cougar out of both of our lives. He said done. That he was done hurting me with his selfishness. No more of this. Then he said I choose you and I love you. 

That’s what I need. I need chosen. Today and tomorrow and the day after that. I need him to take one day at a time choosing me. Choosing joy. Choosing us. I need him to see our value past this season. 

So tonight and today and moving into tomorrow; we are still in this thing together. We are still pushing forward. Throwing away the broken bricks and building our foundation with the lessons learned and promises we plan to keep. 

Today was a good day and I’m glad I haven’t gotten off this ride too soon. 

Welcome to My Diary

WHAT HAVE I DONE!? I have been writing this blog since 2011. I have poured life lessons and huge mistakes into this thing. I have changed the url twice when it has accidentally been found. I have screenshot stories in the past and sent them to people. I have read them to men I was dating when I felt my written insight would best explain, well ME. But I have never NEVER given access of this to a man. 

In fact I know which girlfriends can read this. I am specific. I am intentional. This is the most vulnerable part of me. My writing. I tell you my patterns of behavior here. The way I love. The way I hurt. The way I have ended things or began things of royally fucked things up. This blog has anxiety and fear and life lessons. 

So why in the HELL did I send the website to the Handyman? Instant fear. Instant regret. 

So he’ll read this. Hi boo! But not just this, all of it. The pattern of older men in my twenties that has only been tweaked slightly in my 30s. The way I have loved and lost and been broken and rebuilt on the heels of one night stands, feeding my shattered ego, broken hearted. How Mr Toilet was the love of my life and the standard I held every man too until a year ago when I finally got the closure I’d been desperately seeking since I was 26.  There are high school stories. My first kiss and sexual assault. There are mean girl moments and friendships over in this blog. There are whole years I skip writing because I can’t even face the stories. I didn’t write a single post about my kardashian marriage or the sex addict until it was over. Years I skipped investing in my mental health by processing trauma this way. And now he can read it. 

When I said do you want to see my journal, laying in bed last night? The offer came because he was sharing his. He had screenshot some hand written pages about the end of his first marriage and the beginning of dating Chuck’s Mistress. The pain in parts and the excitement of new opportunities to fall in love and find your person. The desire for the partner to build his passions with, it was there. I love the vulnerability he shows me when he shares things like this and I feel the pain when I know he’s facing it. 

It only seemed fair to reciprocate. To open up my past and my heart and say here I am. You pretty much know all this but now you can see it in real time. Go back to 2011 and start this journey and see how my type hasn’t really changed. I still date extremely driven, mostly entrepreneurial minded men, older but not by like a decade. I keep it closer to my age. I have the same love language of acts of service and words of affirmation. I recently learned never married and no kids is a lack of life experience I would just prefer not to deal with; so still dads. I also don’t worry about crazy exes any more. I don’t like the drama. If an ex is crazy, I am more likely to ask what did YOU do than to believe she is just off her rocker. I’m someone’s “crazy ex” I’m sure. 

See my pattern of men falling in love with me, or at least thinking they do. Explore my fear of not trusting that because I hear it so often. All the things I tell him; he can now read for himself and I somehow will remain this open book mentally processing my fear and experiences for him to see. 

I need to wrap my head around some stuff and I truly don’t want to blog about it. I don’t want to write about how disappointing our weekend trip to ski was, or how the tagged posts of him on my page caused drama. It’s easy to explain the part that it gives him anxiety “being in a relationship” in public while still navigating a divorce. I understand that his attorney’s instructions were only posts about work, family, kids. But truly it’s the other woman/or maybe it’s women that he engages in conversation and most recently more with - that he doesn’t want me to find out. He doesn’t want them to know there is a girl he calls his girlfriend. And this weekend - she found me and she did what all women do when they feel wronged. She told me about them in hopes of hurting him back and driving us a part. 

The flash back of Facebook and Instagram requests and messages was a hard one. It was a consistent part of my relationship with the sex addict. I can’t tell you how many confessions of wrong doings I had to navigate. How many times i would ask, did you sleep with her? To listen to the “no” and know it was a yes. I can’t count the number of those times I was complicit in being lied to... and here I am again. 

The Handyman fell hard and fast. Classic. He fell too soon. Before he has journeyed through healing and processed his pain. He isn’t divorced. He still has his wife’s initial tattooed on his ring finger in a truly white trash way. He is deeply mourning the loss of his forever. The person he thought was his partner for the rest of his life. He’s facing the lies of her infidelity. He’s navigating the pain and trying to understand how someone he loves so much could do so much damage. He’s broken and there are just glimpses of his former self in there and a tiny indication of the way he will emerge from this trauma. 

He’s a good one. I know he is. I see it. He loves me well in a lot of ways I really don’t want to lose. We match in passion and language. We communicate calmly and effectively. When facing the hard conversations there is very little fight and mostly a back and forth battle of wits. It’s all I see you, I hear you, I understand how you feel, here is my take on that. Here is my desired outcome of this disagreement. We don’t say hurtful things. We don’t storm away in anger but sometimes take space so that hurtful words aren’t the reaction. 

But this trip. This trip broke my heart. It was dramatic and ugly. When he’s asked how was it, the lies just flow out. It was great skiing. Weather was good. House is nice. Blah blah blah. 

No I got literally dumped on a mountain when he had to face the lies he was telling me and some recently divorced client he finds “interesting”. He hurt me. He lied to me. Then he skied away from the half way point bar where we were having cocktails. Then he said I don’t want to do this, I can’t be in a relationship when I caught up to him. Then he left me on the mountain as he raced away saying - this is over. I’m done. I want out. Only to text a little later and say I need an hour to calm down. I’ll find you at 4. 

He didn’t care that I spent $200 of my single mom salary to be on that mountain. That I didn’t let him pay for my ticket of my skis because he already had paid for my meals and my gas to be there. He didn’t care it wasn’t me that didn’t do anything to him. That I wasn’t yelling, I wasn’t hateful. I was hurt. This man tells me he loves me. Then sometimes he doesn’t - he texts women who feed his ego and then this cougar comes along and god only knows. But she’s convinced he owes her a conversation to save their relationship. She’s convinced he is racing home to see her. And I am fucking devastated. 

See the man I fell for and reciprocated the love has a very similar past to mine. He’s been shattered by infidelity. He’s had trust irreparably damages. He’s been the significant other that had his world shaken by lies and deceit. He has felt this pain. So why? How? Could he do this to me. AND more importantly how do I let him? 

You see as he tells me I’m going to hurt you. I’m not myself. I love you as best I can and I’m really trying to be who you need and deserve but I’m just not. I miss chucks mistress. I am mad and still love the crazy bitch. I don’t know why I need my ego stroked by these other women. This isn’t me. This shouldn’t be me. 

Then my mind goes back to the pain and the trauma. My mind finds a way to allow him grace and forgiveness because I understand feeding your ego with sex and attention. My mind assured him this isn’t him long term. That these are traumatic responses trying to navigate the story he’s telling himself. It’s how he is needing to understand the pain and deception. He is walking and acting like the thing that hurt him most in the world trying to understand it because he needs closure and he can’t get that from her. She isn’t confessing her sins and explaining her past and pain to him. She isn’t begging for forgiveness and offering changes. Honest looks at who she is and why she hurts the men who love her. She isn’t examining her patterns. So he is becoming them in an effort to repair his broken psyche. His broken heart and his shattered ego. 

I know this well and I keep thinking this is a season. The shame you feel from lying to me and cheating on me. The heartbreak you feel by hurting me the same way you have been hurt - it means you aren’t a monster. The lies are because you can’t even face how bad you are going against every fiber of your being. The lies aren’t to protect me, so I don’t know you fucked this older women in her million dollars mansion you were “bidding”. The lies are because you can’t even face that you woke up at my house made love to me, told me you loved me, kissed me good bye, and went to work - that I spent hours of my day helping you with. Running errands. Running projects. Picking up things. Installing chandeliers. Cleaning up after sink installs. Finding parts and holding fans and keeping you focused and on task. That in the middle of that day - looking at the TRR bid - you fucked some other bitch behind my back. 

I should clarify - I don’t know that he did. He hasn’t admitted it. He’s a horrible liar with a tell. He stays silent when I’m right. He doesn’t defend himself. If forced to answer directly he says no. But it’s not true. Now the when, the how, the how long, it’s speculation based in the massive amount of time we spend together and how long this cougar has been in his life. A week maybe two. It’s gaging her response to finding out about me. It’s more than some flirty texts. It’s more than a kiss or a drink. Women don’t just freak out for no reason. 

So he is lying to me and I’m devastated. This man, although I knew he wasn’t truly ready. I thought he was a really good one. I thought he loved Jesus and loved people. I thought his promise to be careful with my heart as he navigated his own pain was real. I believed him when he cried and wanted all of this to be real. Wanted to believe I was who he thought I was. I read his actions. Buying a new truck for his business and giving his suburban while I was stressed for a car. Going to Napa and treating me like a princess. I believed the raw openness. In working together - I believed the desire for a future and a partnership with a real person that was fun and easy. I believed him and in less than a week he has wrecked us. 

He has stripped me of all security. He has told me he doesn’t trust himself. He isn’t even processing pain at this point; he’s actually creating more. He’s becoming a version of him that he can’t possibly respect. He isn’t in the word. He has some how gotten so far behind in work that he is stressed to the max and I don’t want to leave him hanging. I don’t want to leave him trying to get 6 bids out and working. He let go of his office staff which didn’t help with this much anyway but he kinda needs me and he needs to be able to pay me in hot sex and fancy dinners. While he rebuilds and gets this business back on track. 

But man I don’t know how much I can take. I don’t know how crazy I’ll get wondering where he is or who he’s with and reliving sexual encounters at job sites. I don’t know if I can stomach much more of this and that’s ok. He is pretty aware that I don’t have a lot in me. He knows he’s pushing me away. He says I’m everything he WILL want when he’s ready but right now he’s in survival mode and feeding me and investing in us. That’s not something he is capable of to the degree I want or need right now. 

Why am I in this? 

How did I get here? 

Men suck. He sucks. Women suck. Women who break men suck. Men who then turn around and break me suck. This cycle sucks. Why do I feel whole and healed and deserving and I choose fucking brokenness. I’m going to call my therapist. 

Love and Loss and Love Again

I AM STRUGGLING WITH THE HANDYMAN OR MAYBE HE IS STRUGGLING WITH ME. His ex is a combination of my last two significant relationships. She’s a narcissistic cheating sociopath with an incessant need for attention and a pattern of behavior he overlooked. 

Chuck’s Mistress has wrecked this man. She has taken all of his pieces and made him question everything. Who he is, what he knows, what he wants, what he is capable of. She took from him personally, in business, financially, and almost cost him his children. She’s the devil. 

I don’t even call her The Devil maliciously, it’s an accurate description. She is a pretty package. She’s obviously driven or they wouldn’t have built the companies they have and she’s continuing to run them albeit most likely into the ground. She is attractive. Good little figure, fake tits, classic face. She’s a mom. Surely she’s a good one. I feel like good mother can be a relative term, but that a whole other story. She has a lot of “friends” and acquaintances, he says she was so fun with a magnetic personality. 

She’s a pretty package but who she is under that; that’s what makes her the devil. You see the devil is a pretty package. In Christian faith we are taught that - you aren’t tempted into sin by things that aren’t attractive. You don’t go against your faith or hurt other people or yourself for something you don’t desire. It’s a pretty hot and tempting package - the devil. 

The devil comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Chuck’s mistress may not have set out to do those things but as the temptation for better or more presented itself she went for it. She fed her needs at the expense of others. She fed the wolf inside her that needed men to want her, that weaponized sex, the one that justified her satisfaction at the expense of her promises with, if he doesn’t know it doesn’t hurt. She got to the point where even if he did know it was ok; he wanted her happy. She compartmentalized who she was as a person. Part loving wife and mother; part out right whore and liar. 

As you can imagine; I get this. I lived this. I have been broken by this exact thing. She cloaks herself in righteousness, claiming God loves her and being a part of her church. She is a Jesus loving woman that will screw your friends husband. 

Enough about her; you get the picture and Devil is an accurate depiction. 

I don’t know who The Handyman was before her. I don’t know his patterns or what she used to justify her behavior. He’s a man. He isn’t perfect. I don’t know the trail of broken hearts or the women who fell hard for him that he didn’t reciprocate. I don’t know the dynamic. I know him now. 

This kind of betrayal, changes you. It is a humbling experience. It changes your perception of what you should value. You become more concerned about character, loyalty, faith, honesty, trustworthiness than you are about big tits and a good blow job. 

So I am getting the raw version of this man. The one that tears up when he feels really loved and connected to me. The one that carries the pain of disappointing and hurting his boys and family. The man that deeply desires a relationship with God and wants that as his foundation. The man that is working hard to rebuild and start over. 

He cares for me and calms me. He tries so hard to be what I need and what I want. He hates that his pain and healing isn’t complete. He hates that he is simultaneously getting past her and falling for me. 

He runs from me. He gets so worried about hurting me that he pushes me away. He comes back because it’s not like he’s not going to date. So what’s his plan, end things with me and find someone he likes LESS. Date a girl he doesn’t really connect with. 

He still gets sad. I know he misses the life he had. The family unit they had created. How could you not. He isn’t a monster. 

He asks me why I’m here; why I’m doing this to myself and I don’t have a good answer. I am not trying to fix him. I know I can’t. I have walked this process and it’s something he has to do for himself. I don’t see him as a project, I just see him. 

I know their relationship is over. It’s irreparable. I know he is wired for love and connection, that he is vulnerable and some lucky woman will have him and he will love her in the most passionate, selfless way. I know this because I know he loves me. He tells me but more importantly he shows me. So when he asks why am I here? My response is usually because I’m not losing what we have to the memory of Chucks mistress. 

I might be totally wrong but I do believe you can build a new relationship on top of the ruins of the last. I read this in an article and I can’t come up with a better way of articulating it “The importance of getting over someone is a myth.” “We should encourage each other to hold on to the good memories.” “It is possible, I think, to have a new relationship that builds on top of the gravelly ruins of the last using the old skills and affection to make the next one better, bigger.” “Good relationships can totally benefit from the reflection and melancholy that comes after heartbreak, and perfect relationships don’t always start at perfect times.” 

This man is working to heal. He didn’t mean to find me or to fall in love with me. I don’t know why this is the timing we were given. Our connection is undeniable. Our foundation is healthy. We communicate better than any couple I know. We are open and vulnerable and raw and broken. We don’t have expectations of forever. We don’t have plans for a while life together. We aren’t in a rush. I love him with patience I didn’t know I was capable of, a trust in him that I have never had. He is kind and has a servants heart. He wants to please me and provide and loves my mind and he literally makes me want to be the very best version of myself. 

So I’m not giving up this outrageously gorgeous man with kind eyes that are so blue you get lost and rock hard biceps that wrap around me. The softest lips and the most passionate kisses that melt me. That walks from the bed to the bathroom and looks like a Greek god. With a heart of gold that wants me healthy and happy and does whatever he can for me. He tells me everything even the parts that might hurt because he doesn’t ever want to lie to me. This man prays over me. He spoils my daughter and spends time with us. He’s happy to have me around his parents and is patiently waiting for the day when it’s appropriate to have me around his kids. 

I’m not giving up on this man that checks all my boxes and makes me want to be the most loving patient person on the planet. He brings out the best in me. I’m not losing him to the memory of chucks mistress. A life that doesn’t exist and a person that was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I’ll wait. I’ll hold his hand and kiss his neck and keep him calm and wait. I’ll slowly build with him the foundation of our future taking the good bricks from the lessons learned and throwing out the broken. 

I waited 36 years for a man that prayed over my days. I can wait a little more. 

The Constant Process

I REMEMBER VIVIDLY WHEN MY EX HUSBAND LEFT ME. I remember the process of grief. The absolute psychotic outbursts. The showing up to his office and telling him I will sit here and wait until you come talk to me. The crying in the car as I begged him to give our BRAND NEW marriage a chance. 

I was a kind of devastated I never imagined. A lost, broken shell of a woman. I was angry. I wanted to know why? Why make me fall in love with you. Why promise me forever. Why propose on Valentine’s Day with a private dinner on a beach in Cabo with the ring of my dreams; tears streaming down both our eyes with such detail you even had specifically found a way to buy me the dress I was wearing for the occasion. Why take this whole, healed badass of a woman and break her. 

When I met Mr. Greaseman my career in telecom had just taken off. I was about to hit my first 6 figure year. I had the most adorable house in a neighborhood I loved. I had a group of friends I adored and I was dating. I was put together. He found me, he fell in love quick. He wanted to give me the world. We moved in, got engaged, eloped and had a beautiful wedding. Bought the house of my dreams and moved in 10 days before Christmas. I had us completely unpacked and hosting our families for the holidays. He was my forever. We had it all. Good friends, a lake house, nice cars, a boat, lots of trips and I thought we were happy. 

Sure sex in his office at lunch had stopped and we had stress. We dumped all of savings into my ring, the two houses, and our new boat. His ex wife wasn’t easy to deal with and his daughter was in constant competition with mine and with me over daddy’s love. But it never felt like we had major problems but then again, I was in charge and had everything I ever wanted. 

I warned him about his assistant. I warned him about the girl who saw the name on the door and wanted it. I warned him about protecting our marriage in moments of weakness, not giving another woman the tools to come between us. Not emotionally confiding in another to fix what I didn’t even know was broken. I warned him about her the very day I met her. 

I was right. He failed me. He failed to protect our sacred vows. He failed to communicate with me. When he felt broken, emasculated and not worthy, he didn’t talk to me - he talked to her. I couldn’t compete with the bond of a women exacerbating my errors and fixing my mistakes. Giving him what I use to and without realizing it; no longer did. 

He left me. Shattered. A virtually suicidal shell of a woman that didn’t know how to recover from the man she waited her whole life for. I didn’t rush into this; I’d been single and dating for 8 years. I had 2 years of therapy under my belt dealing with my issues. I had done the work on me. I had a really healthy past relationship that ended and we had remained friends. I was ready. 

The pain was unbearable and here I am 5 years later two blocks away from the dream house he bought me that another woman calls hers; and I still think about him. I don’t usually let my mind process the good that was in those years. I don’t let myself focus on the bad. I have fleeting moments that I push away. But when I think about him, I think about what I learned, the mistakes I made, and how it changed me as a person. 

I learned how to be a wife from him. I may not have learned it until it was too late but my subsequent relationship benefitted from my ability to be a partner. I learned not to take but how to give. I learned how to be thankful for another person showing up for me and not expecting or demanding that of them. I learned how to make a man feel like a man. I learned the art of not correcting him, not belittling, not pointing out his flaws and fixing him. 

I can see where the broken person I was put me in the path of my next toxic love affair. I see how I stayed with the sex addict for 3 years. I know why I didn’t walk away two months in because I wanted to be in love and have a life with someone. I wanted to prove I was worthy. I needed my ex to see someone else wanted me even if he didn’t. 

In that relationship I learned patience, forgiveness, and how to set healthy boundaries. I learned how to be a really good step mother. How to know my roll and stay in my lane. How to love a little shit of a teenager through the years she didn’t even like me much until I became a person she could heavily rely on and wanted in her life. I put myself back together again in the next relationship. He dealt with tears and pain and me ending it on an almost weekly basis. He handled my angry outburst. He inflicted a new kind of damage on me but I was a willing participant. 

He ended up not being a good investment long term and I didn’t stick around. Those boundaries I learned I put into practice. The character flaws I saw, I knew to look for something different. 

In the year and a half following that relationship, I dated without much purpose. Or maybe with an evolving purpose. At first I wanted security again. I needed a worthy partner because this single mom stuff alone is terrifying. I don’t think it was a conscious way of dating but I can look at it now and say it was definitely what was happening. 

The first guy I met was good. He is a good man. He tried hard. He was being patient and saw my potential and he wanted a life with me. I toyed with him. I strung him along, dated other people, told him I wasn’t ready, told him I was, ghosted him, came back, I messed with him until he disappeared. He’s such a good guy though if I text him right now he would greet that with compassion and understanding. 

The next couple were similar. Good good guys. Liked me. I was a flighty mess. Processing my pain and just needing attention. I was taking from them. Then Mr AF1 came in - brilliant and promising the world. The “security” I thought I was looking for. After the closure of that train wreck - really putting my new found boundary skills into place. I wanted to try and fix things with joe. 

Joe and I made a good pair. Although I over looked a couple of warning signs and to this day will never know if the warnings were giant red flags or just personality differences. He tested the waters, assured himself he could have me back and then let me go. I deserved that. 

Then the fireman - best man I’ve dated in years. Not my person but an amazing guy. Mr toilet popped back up into my life and the universe gave me closure I had been desperately seeking for a decade. The world traveler showed me the same thing the fireman did in a different way: it doesn’t have to be forever and it’s ok if it doesn’t work. 

Now the Handyman. He checks all my boxes (except height, LOL) but I went back to the blog post from July in between the fireman and the world traveler where I wrote down exactly what I wanted and it’s him. It’s totally him. 

We have a whole new set of obstacles to overcome. He’s in a place very similar to where I was when Mr. Greaseman left me in pieces. I’m a lot better of a person to build a foundation with than my sex addict ex. It might be stupid but I’m giving it a chance. He could easily hurt me but I don’t know that he will and he is so very worth the risk.