Scott Who'snotinlovewithme

BRACE YOURSELVES... This may come as a shock to you... It certainly did me. Scott Who'snotinlovewithme, is in fact NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

I guess I need to recap... I think I call him HOT BEER MAN some or maybe Mr CoorsLight. We had a phone call that I am pretty sure I knew in that moment it had changed my life. I remember every detail of our first 4 hour conversation like it was yesterday. But it was April 28th. 

We followed up our 5 hour download of each others lives with a first date. In true sunshine fashion... a weekend together at the lake. I write about him Here. I have started to write about him since but really I've just had so many other things going this story line seems to have been coasting along until today. 

I will give you the very abridged recap of this romance.... We went to the lake for the weekend had a good time, talked for another week and then when it came time to make plans for the next weekend he ended it. He said I was a cool girl and I would make someone really happy but I wasn't for him. I handled this with grace and poise, not always my standard. Played it off as no biggie and went two weeks without talking to him. 

On his birthday, which is the day before mine I sent him a quick text wishing him well and happy birthday to my birthday buddy. He said thanks and apologized for being such a douche. I told him ending things with me with honesty was never a douche move and I would always be his friend. He asked me to spend the weekend with him and so began our casual, no strings, affair. 

We saw each other maybe once a month, sometimes less depending on how busy we were. He would every so often go silent and I would force a response but never was I my usual crazy self. We did this for months. 

I actually believed it was for the best. 

You see, during the time I met Scott, I was still in the toxic nightmare that is the handyman. Scott was actually the one man that distracted me deep in the throws of emotional abuse and manipulation. Scott may not have been in love with me but he valued me. He was honest with me. He disclosed expectations. He never left me wondering where I stood. He was not in the business of hurting me, he wasn't playing me, or using me, or testing his player skills seeing what he could get away with. He just wasn't in a place to date me. 

There were a lot of conversations about this. He told me he was busy and that was true, his work life is a solid 60 hours a week. His mother is not necessarily in good health. His passion is hunting and the outdoors; he was going to be a phantom for a while and I was ok with it. 

In our usual pattern of communication I was keeping lines open and he was slow to respond. But today for some reason I woke up this morning and I was like, hey... whats going on... are you not speaking to me? Am I in silent treatment mode? What did I do to deserve this stonewall? I sent this text at 6:30am. Nothing. 

I wasn't worried or concerned about it, he works from like 5:30-5:30 every day. Not responding to me when I wake up is pretty normal. But for some reason today I did something I never do... I called. 

See he had been on my mind all day, I even talked to him with Mr. Concrete (an ex from like 13 years ago that I also do some work with) today. I told him I was loving being really, really single accept for Scott Whosnotinlovewithme. If Scott Who'snotinlovewithme would just wife me already... we laughed. So when he didn't answer I sent a text that I knew would get him to realize he was lacking in response and trigger a quick convo. I have done this a million times before with him. 

"I have questions so can we like communicate or did you get a wife and not tell me? or is something majorly wrong? Like is your mom ok? is this normal work/pre-elk season busy?" I followed that up with... "Those aren't even my questions... those are my why are we doing that no talk thing questions. I still have other questions." 

He sent a pic in a deer blind and said deer hunting this evening. 

"Ok. I feel better. Thank you. Carry on."

"Unless you got a wife and its deer season then imma be pissy. (laughing faces)"

I did not anticipate his response... I was thinking this was just like every other week over the last 6ish months. But it wasn't... 

He sends "You haven't done anything wrong. Mom is good." Then he continues with, "I am not over my ex and thats why I've been radio silent. Her nephew just died three weeks after her dad so I saw her and talked to her at both of the funerals. Stirred up a bunch of old feelings. I've decided that I'm not going to date or even be casual with anyone until after I get a chance to work things out with her. I'm willing to wait on her as long as it takes. I'm sorry."

To say I was shocked was an understatement. I don't even know what ex he could be referring to, this eternal bachelor hasn't had anything significant in at least a year maybe more.

"Oh helllllll" followed by "Man, emotionally unavailable is an understatement. I.Had.No.Idea." To which he says, "Me either."

I pause and know all of my words are coming. But here is the thing with Scott- I don't have a bone in my body that doesn't want him to be the happiest man on the planet. From the very first time I saw his hippie Jesus looking face standing in my doorway, I was hooked. But not in a codependent anxious kind of way. In fact, I would say I have followed the least of my patterns, in this casual on and off, undefined love affair. 

No matter how many times distance is created I never worry. I wasn't ever afraid he would actually ghost me and just stop talking. I never sent him a string of crazy. I have patiently and naturally gone with the flow with him and every moment together is awesome and every time apart doesn't leave me feeling like I need to communicate or be paid attention to or validated. 

I have actually said, Jesus keeps Scott from falling for me because I am not ready for him. If we tried to have anything even remotely real right now, I would wreck it. Their is no way our timing is right. So I just was fine with whatever role he was comfortable playing in my life because the long term love of my life position was not open at this time. 

I mentioned I was still wrapped up in all the heartbreak and toxicity of the handyman. Well that was true. I was still sleeping with him. I was still trying to decide if I can make it work and the moments that made me feel like I was worth more than the way the handyman treated me, were the moments I was with Scott. It wasn't the guy in Fayetteville that is so nice I don't even know how to handle it. It wasn't the smoking hot army guy that looked like Scott but with more tattoos and muscles. It wasn't the Software Company guy who knew that I had a friend named Scott who I called Scott Who'snotinlovewithme and if Scott Who'snotinlovewithme decided to become In Love With Me, no man stood a chance. 

Moving on from the handyman wasn't moving to a new shiny thing to fixate all my emotions on... I wasn't using Scott to ease my ego. In my moments with Scott I was all in on Scott and nothing else mattered. But in my moments home, Scott was never my motivating factor. Everything was playing out for me like he wasn't a factor at all, because he wasn't. I wasn't co-dependent me with Scott. I was just me, and nothing else mattered. 

So I read his words and I calmly paused... then wrote him a white box good bye text. I told him I wanted him to have everything he could ever want in the world and if it was meant to be it would happen. To trust and believe that. I told him I would never be upset because he had always been honest. I finally told him how important he had been on a journey he didn't even know I was on. 

Then I hit send and I cried. 

I can't believe I cried. I am not losing a man that was ever mine. I am not losing someone that I built a dream house with in my mind, or had a 5 year plan in my head, we never had a single "if we end up together" conversation of what that would look like. The only thing I knew about Scott was that he was important to me and a vital character in my story. 

I told Scott that although he wasn't privy to my struggles and heartbreak and all the drama going on in my life because my sole goal was to keep things light and airy and easy with him; he was still impactful. I told him of the strides I had made while he wasn't even paying attention. I told him the healing I had done and the boundaries I had set for myself with other men. I told him thank you for being more to me than you knew. Then I told him good bye. 

Scott is the closest thing I have ever seen to the man of my dreams. When I read him the description of this man from this post a year before he paused. He said I don't take compliments well, and I don't know how to respond to this, thank you for sharing and I think I could be this man. I knew it. In my gut I knew this was the closest I had ever come to the real life manifestation of my dream guy and future. 

So as I sit here writing, processing what the last 6 months have meant to me and how this person has played a supporting role he wasn't even aware he was in, sometimes, I wasn't even aware he was in it. I cried. 

But I don't feel like I am losing anything, like I said Scott was never mine to lose. 

I feel like I was just getting there. I feel like I was becoming the version of me that I wanted him to really see. The version I was excited for him to learn and know. I felt like the last month of change and growth was so important. I felt like the reasons "Jesus was keeping Scott from falling in love with me" were finally changing for the better. I think that is where this sadness is coming from, I was working on me. Not for him by any stretch but I was working on me and the whole time I have known him, I have thought when it is right this man will not be able to do anything but fall for me. Because I am perfect for him. Literally. In every possible way. 

I know that sounds cocky and frankly, if it were true why would he have been so distant and hesitant. But it is... I still believe that when I told him all about me when he said... "If someone asked me what I thought the perfect woman would be I would just copy and paste what you just said." That was 100% true. It was confirmed for me every single weekend. No matter how many walls were up. No matter how emotionally unavailable we both have been, I thought it was for a reason, for the best. I thought that this one, was destined for more. That I wasn't supposed to settle and neither was he. 

So I am sad, more so than I would have thought because Scott dating other people never felt like a threat to me. I wasn't ever jealous and lord knows I am the jealous kind. I really just relaxed and somehow believed it would all work out; if it was supposed to, it would work. 

But this resolve he has to wait for her. To not try anything else until he can give it one more chance with her. To be a partner and a lover and a friend to someone, not just a selfish emotionally distant workaholic. That she is going to get the effort I know is in there. The words, "I am going to work every day to keep that smile on your face." Will be for real and for her... not just words of excitement about the thought of something new. That stings. 

Do I think they will work? I don't know but I care for him enough to cheer them on and find happiness. If she fulfills him and excites him and challenges him and makes him want to be the best version of himself and loves him the way he needs to be loved. Then I hope so. 

I won't pretend that I hope he doesn't just shut me out. I hope we keep talking. That we keep the friendship we have going. I hope this isn't goodbye. I hope he stays in my life in some capacity. Having him as a friend that is in love with someone else doesn't feel painful. I think it is the fear that I wasn't more to him too that I am afraid of. The fear that I genuinely wanted to be in his life regardless of sex and good times. I wanted to know him. I wanted to be his friend. But what if he didn't want that. What if I was just a once a month booty call. What if I connected with his personality, heart, and mind; and he just liked fucking me. 

I think that is where the sadness and fear come from... because in my time knowing him I have changed. I have set new boundaries. I didn't so much with him because it didn't feel necessary but every other man vying for my attention wasn't getting sexual intimacy as a factor for wanting to be around me. I was asserting that I had value without fucking and I am weaning out the Handyman's instead of allowing them to exploit my vulnerabilities. 

I haven't slept with anyone but Scott in months. I know that shouldn't be like a pat on the back thing but lets all be honest. Men expect sex when dating more than ever before. The third date being for sex is pretty standard and joked about on all social media platforms. Its an unwritten rule and all of a sudden, my self worth had gotten back to a place where I don't need to play by those rules. If a man doesn't want me because I don't put out quickly then I do not want him at all ever. 

Scott is going on his path to find love with someone he thought he lost and was over. I am going down mine expanding upon the growth he didn't even realize he was contributing to. 

The lack of stress, the lack of drama, the ease in our interactions, the way we connected on day one, and how not having his full attention felt like it was good for my journey to a better me. I learned a lot from Scott Who'snotinlovewithme. 

I don't even think I understood how much until today.