I have been analyzing my friendships with the opposite sex a lot lately. Let's start with JFK... We finally ended the grey dating but not dating we had been doing for months and then he was just sort of gone. It was good timing for him to pull the Houdini because my rebound boy came along all too quickly to take my mind off of him.
My rebound relationship came in the form of one of my oldest friends and isn't that just the most dangerous kind? Yes, my raw, heartbroken, bitter, angry brain decided that when a high school guy friend finally made his move after 13 years it would be a good idea to go for it. I'm an idiot.
I would be lying if I didn't confess that for the first 3ish weeks this relationship was perfect. We were having a blast, all of our mutual friends were in this weird state of shock that we got together but they loved it. We were a couple in a world of our peers that were all couples. We just sort of fell into this perfect little niche' group and we both loved it.
We have always really cared for each other and the only time the friendship line had been blurred, it wasn't pursued because of him, not me. This time he was just in awe of who I have become over the last two years and let's be honest- I have done some work on myself.
As far as being in a good position to start a relationship, I am there. I am in a stable career, I make fantastic money, like enough that I am no longer attracted to older rich men who could take care of me. I live in a gorgeous house, in a neighborhood I have always been in love with and I drive a decent car. My daughter is downright amazing. Her father and I have a great relationship so I don't have any baby daddy drama. I am even getting along with my father.
Right now, my life is so unbelievably good, I can see where Cherry (my high school friend) would totally want to date me. The thing he didn't know was how devastated I was over JFK. He couldn't have known because initially even I didn't realize it.
I am right when I say that when I decide it is over, it really is pushed out of my mind. JFK played such an intricate role in the my climb to functioning adulthood, I have had a really hard time letting go of him. Cherry didn't have a prayer for living up to the standard JFK had created.
The first few weeks with Cherry were total bliss but as real life sets in and his flaws come out, I wanted out. I wanted out well before he ever screwed up and gave me the out. I was looking for a way to bail for weeks! His lack of motivation in his career, his complacency and acceptance of mediocrity were hugely unattractive. ALMOST as unattractive as his massive alcohol problem, the snoring, the gut and the inability to know when things were appropriate. By the time I got my 'get out of jail free card' I was ready to kill him.
I was sure it wasn't going to last by about 3 weeks in but at that same moment he had gone all in and I didn't want to ruin the friendship I have honestly cherished for years. It really is true that you only know what people want you to know about them until you insert yourself into their day to day life.
Cherry, wasn't what I thought and he wasn't what I wanted. He finally got fed up with my bitchy attitude when he made a drunken ass of himself in front of my dearest friends on a vacation that I PAID FOR that he yelled "F- YOU!" at me. To be fair, I was being a raging bitch at this moment. Regardless, straw meet camel, camel this is straw. BOOM! I'm OUT!
He crossed a line that I would not allow any man to ever come back from. He disrespected me and not for the first time, but he verbally assaulted me in front of my friends and more importantly my daughter. It was that moment, I sighed with relief more than anger and knew I was home free.
This was the first time Miss Priss had ever been exposed to that kind of an outburst which brought on a whole knew parenting issue. It was a moment I am almost thankful for, it allowed me to explain how disrespectful that was and how I would not stand for it. She would never see me tolerate a man that disrespected me and also should never have a man in her life that sees it as acceptable to talk down to her in any way. I took it as a moment to be honest with my daughter about what she deserves.
Now, Cherry isn't a bad person, he isn't even a bad drunk. He just isn't as mindful of his behavior as he should be. He isn't husband material, he isn't even boyfriend material. I got out and I got out quick! Before we got too far into a relationship and couldn't salvage the friendship. He still calls and invites me to do stuff but we will never date again. Thank god!
The end of Cherry showed me a few things. 1) I am not over JFK and 2) it is going to take a hell of a man to live up to the standard I have created for a partner.
As soon as Cherry was officially out the door JFK and I began chatting again. It isn't the same back and forth dating conversation that drug on for so many months. We really are entering into the friend zone. I love that man with all my heart and if he asked me tomorrow if I wanted to try this again, I would say yes. But I am ready to move forward.
I realize that I want everything that JFK is but I want someone who thinks I am just as incredible even more. I see the mistakes I made in that relationship but I am thankful for it nevertheless. So as I venture back into a friendship with this glorious man, I am opening myself up to someone new. I am appreciating the insight he has into who I am as a person and his ability to just know me better than anyone else. I am also letting go of the idea that we will ever make it.
I am in a good place with these boys. I am believe that if men and women understand each others boundaries and weaknesses and they don't test or exploit either then they can make a friendship work. Even a friendship after a relationship.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Do You Know What 'IT' Is?
JFK finally made his exit from my life a few weeks ago. There had been this tug-o-war between us for months. Me trying to pull him back into our relationship and him protesting and warning that we were better as "just friends." This all came to a head the night we celebrated his birthday with my best friends.
I had recently turned 30 and my birthday marks the first time in 2013 we decided we could be friends who like to see each other naked. I have been all for this plan but his fear of living in the grey and ruining our friendship kept us pretty strictly in the friend zone. A few weeks later we seem to be doing fine and I am all happy with the prospect that we might actually figure out this whole thing.
His birthday celebration ends in too many cocktails and one giant conversation about his feelings that he initiated maybe for the first time ever. I am not sure I will ever forget the moment when the most unaffectionate man I have ever known pulled me towards him, ran his fingers through my hair, deeply gazing at me and said, "do you have any idea how amazing you are?" In true girl fashion, I drop eye contact and am awed by his words. So, he raises my chin, says look at me and begins to describe everything he loves about me. This started as one of the most romantic conversations of my life.
JFK in all seriousness said something I had known for almost a year but had never heard him say of his own accord, he told me he loved me. He said it more than once and then he said that one thing every person who has ever been open, vulnerable, and completely in love dreads to hear... "I love you and if I thought we would make it, that we could do this and it last long term, I would be ALL in, I would be all in but I don't FEEL IT. Do you know what 'it' is?"
That's right, I have been in this heartbreaking romantic comedy of a life for a year and a half and now, in this moment, for the first time, it isn't because you aren't ready or you don't want to date anyone and have this need to be selfish. It's because YOU DON"T FEEL IT.
I think I physically had to catch my breath at this revelation. I knew I had allowed him to slowly chip away at me and that I was loosing all of the strength I loved about myself. I knew I had begun sacrificing my own happiness in an effort to keep him in just about any capacity in my life. I knew I was slowly breaking, again. But in that moment, he finally broke me.
That was the end of us. The other selfish moments of that conversation with him were icing on the cake. The parts that gave me enough anger to be comfortable walking away. A few days later, our final sober conversation ended with, "the one thing that has become painfully clear, is that if I stop trying. If I stop putting effort into maintaining this relationship, it will cease to exist. That is heartbreaking."
He actually had the nerve to disagree with that statement. So, I just said that we shall see and with that we got off the phone. I haven't heard from him since. A year and a half of falling in love with the man that encompassed quite literally everything I have ever wanted in a partner had finally ended.
I fight for what I want, I hold on to things and people well past the point of no return. I give until there is nothing left to take BUT when I am done, I am really done. He flits in and out of my mind on occasion but it is nothing like it was. I have moments like this morning where processing the end causes me to want to get it out and get it over with but for the most part he is just gone.
I had recently turned 30 and my birthday marks the first time in 2013 we decided we could be friends who like to see each other naked. I have been all for this plan but his fear of living in the grey and ruining our friendship kept us pretty strictly in the friend zone. A few weeks later we seem to be doing fine and I am all happy with the prospect that we might actually figure out this whole thing.
His birthday celebration ends in too many cocktails and one giant conversation about his feelings that he initiated maybe for the first time ever. I am not sure I will ever forget the moment when the most unaffectionate man I have ever known pulled me towards him, ran his fingers through my hair, deeply gazing at me and said, "do you have any idea how amazing you are?" In true girl fashion, I drop eye contact and am awed by his words. So, he raises my chin, says look at me and begins to describe everything he loves about me. This started as one of the most romantic conversations of my life.
JFK in all seriousness said something I had known for almost a year but had never heard him say of his own accord, he told me he loved me. He said it more than once and then he said that one thing every person who has ever been open, vulnerable, and completely in love dreads to hear... "I love you and if I thought we would make it, that we could do this and it last long term, I would be ALL in, I would be all in but I don't FEEL IT. Do you know what 'it' is?"
That's right, I have been in this heartbreaking romantic comedy of a life for a year and a half and now, in this moment, for the first time, it isn't because you aren't ready or you don't want to date anyone and have this need to be selfish. It's because YOU DON"T FEEL IT.
I think I physically had to catch my breath at this revelation. I knew I had allowed him to slowly chip away at me and that I was loosing all of the strength I loved about myself. I knew I had begun sacrificing my own happiness in an effort to keep him in just about any capacity in my life. I knew I was slowly breaking, again. But in that moment, he finally broke me.
That was the end of us. The other selfish moments of that conversation with him were icing on the cake. The parts that gave me enough anger to be comfortable walking away. A few days later, our final sober conversation ended with, "the one thing that has become painfully clear, is that if I stop trying. If I stop putting effort into maintaining this relationship, it will cease to exist. That is heartbreaking."
He actually had the nerve to disagree with that statement. So, I just said that we shall see and with that we got off the phone. I haven't heard from him since. A year and a half of falling in love with the man that encompassed quite literally everything I have ever wanted in a partner had finally ended.
I fight for what I want, I hold on to things and people well past the point of no return. I give until there is nothing left to take BUT when I am done, I am really done. He flits in and out of my mind on occasion but it is nothing like it was. I have moments like this morning where processing the end causes me to want to get it out and get it over with but for the most part he is just gone.
Monday, June 17, 2013
My Inner Mean Girl
I HAVE ALWAYS KNOWN that I have the ability to be the most vindictive person on the planet. The creativity that goes into my revenge fantasies when someone does me wrong can be terrifying. I'd like to think that I don't hold grudges but every once in a while there is a perfect storm and my inner mean girl emerges.
This weekend she made an appearance and I can't decide if I feel guilty or if my indifference to the situation is acceptable. Hopefully we will figure that out by the end of my rant. So, let's introduce the players...
Remember when I had that Girl Friend Break Up back in 2011? I just cut this girl out of my life, she wasn't healthy for herself so it definitely wasn't healthy for me. Well, I ran into her a few weeks ago on Mother's Day. It had been almost two years since any real exchange had taken place between us. In our brief encounter we established that life was going really well. She was in a job she liked and had worked at for the last year and a half. She was doing well with one of her two babies daddy's but was successfully juggling single mom of 2. She was in the same little duplex and seemed very content with her life plan to eventually make it to nursing school. When she suggested we hang out some time, I thought it would be nice to reconnect.
Now, I believe it is important to know that this girl has a tendency to say a lot of angry hurtful things when she is mad. I have been on the receiving end of one of her tongue lashings and things have never been the same. Even when we were friends, I still didn't trust her too much with anything that made me vulnerable to her. The words "you are letting your ex-husband's girlfriend raise your daughter" as a criticism of my parenting skills was not only laughably false but the most hateful thing someone could thing to say. For me, words last forever. I forgive but they are impossible to forget.
So two weekends ago, we go to the park with the girls. This marks the first time I have stepped foot into her house since the Summer of 2011. The first warning sign, you can't walk through the front door. When I walk into her little side door I am greeted with a mountain of dishes in the sink and a mess that can be compared to the beginning stages of hoarding. She obviously is apologetic about the mess and the sticky fly paper hanging above the sink collecting the fruit fly infestation. I also notice the pile of laundry baskets and clothing literally half way up the front door. Sure 'nuff, you couldn't open that thing with a one of those things a SWAT team would use to break down your door.
The day goes fine, I offer to cook chicken at my house for dinner so the girls can play. We have a conversation about work, goals and life plans. She confesses she doesn't really like her job but wouldn't want to give it up because she is now established in a hospital. She isn't sure when nursing school will happen but probably not until her youngest starts pre-k in two years. I tell her to just keep grinding forward.
Two days later, she has quit her job and is heading to OKC to visit some high school flame who wants to marry her and give her the life she has never had (that is almost a direct quote). I get off the call sort of perplexed with how in 4 weeks she can digress from seemingly put together to this.
This week, Thursday I have a little too much fun and decide working remotely on my Friday is a good idea. So I want a cheeseburger for breakfast and think to myself, who can go eat a cheeseburger at 10am on a Friday? This girl! Call her up, she answers the phone laying in this mutual friend of ours bed. Tells me about her night which makes mine look like a bible study and thinks cheeseburgers are a great idea.
I roll over to the dudes house because I know him just as well as she does... He is a cutie and I am in shock that they stayed the night together. When I get there, he is cool and she is telling endless stories of baby daddy drama. I think to myself, this guy is hot, single, fun and funny... Why should he be off limits because this girl who I am not even that close to got wasted with him last night. Even if they made out, he's still fair game.
In the interest of good sportsmanship I make this thought process known, she thinks I am kidding. I half ass was but before we leave the house, I have this guy wearing a wedding ring pretending we are married.
The day and night go down hill from here. I remain fun and low key, every person who crosses ol' girls path gets a slice of her dramatic life story. I didn't even have to do anything to become the most desirable female in the room, she did it for me. He and I actually make plans for the next weekend before the sun goes down. I straight up took him from her... In fact at one point she said, "I am not sure how I woke up in his bed this morning and you are married to him." My response was classic! "I'm good at closing deals... that's why I am good at my job."
The moments of tension that arise between her and I are squashed and come out unscathed. It was mean though. If it were a girl friend I respected and thought this guy might have a genuine interest in, I never would have done it. Honestly, I felt like I was doing him a favor. You really think an unemployed single mother of two with no leads on school or a new job, that is fighting with one ex over custody who is literally married to a girl that was a lesbian before they met and between them they are expecting kid number 9, yes, NINE and the other ex fresh out of rehab for a drug and alcohol addiction he has battled for the better part of 15 years. Aside from the fact she can't help but only talk of dramatic conflicts in her past and present... Is this really the kind of girl you would let even an acquaintance get involved with? Let alone a high school buddy, you run into all the time and find attractive. I mean... What was I to do?
The bridge between her and I may be a little bit crispy. For the first time I can take the blame. She never would have dreamed I would have swooped in like that on someone she was blatantly interested in and I am a little surprised at myself for doing it. In the end, I am not sure the boy is going to be worth it but the friendship isn't really worth it either. Regardless, I have a date on Friday night and had a blast this weekend.
This weekend she made an appearance and I can't decide if I feel guilty or if my indifference to the situation is acceptable. Hopefully we will figure that out by the end of my rant. So, let's introduce the players...
Remember when I had that Girl Friend Break Up back in 2011? I just cut this girl out of my life, she wasn't healthy for herself so it definitely wasn't healthy for me. Well, I ran into her a few weeks ago on Mother's Day. It had been almost two years since any real exchange had taken place between us. In our brief encounter we established that life was going really well. She was in a job she liked and had worked at for the last year and a half. She was doing well with one of her two babies daddy's but was successfully juggling single mom of 2. She was in the same little duplex and seemed very content with her life plan to eventually make it to nursing school. When she suggested we hang out some time, I thought it would be nice to reconnect.
Now, I believe it is important to know that this girl has a tendency to say a lot of angry hurtful things when she is mad. I have been on the receiving end of one of her tongue lashings and things have never been the same. Even when we were friends, I still didn't trust her too much with anything that made me vulnerable to her. The words "you are letting your ex-husband's girlfriend raise your daughter" as a criticism of my parenting skills was not only laughably false but the most hateful thing someone could thing to say. For me, words last forever. I forgive but they are impossible to forget.
So two weekends ago, we go to the park with the girls. This marks the first time I have stepped foot into her house since the Summer of 2011. The first warning sign, you can't walk through the front door. When I walk into her little side door I am greeted with a mountain of dishes in the sink and a mess that can be compared to the beginning stages of hoarding. She obviously is apologetic about the mess and the sticky fly paper hanging above the sink collecting the fruit fly infestation. I also notice the pile of laundry baskets and clothing literally half way up the front door. Sure 'nuff, you couldn't open that thing with a one of those things a SWAT team would use to break down your door.
The day goes fine, I offer to cook chicken at my house for dinner so the girls can play. We have a conversation about work, goals and life plans. She confesses she doesn't really like her job but wouldn't want to give it up because she is now established in a hospital. She isn't sure when nursing school will happen but probably not until her youngest starts pre-k in two years. I tell her to just keep grinding forward.
Two days later, she has quit her job and is heading to OKC to visit some high school flame who wants to marry her and give her the life she has never had (that is almost a direct quote). I get off the call sort of perplexed with how in 4 weeks she can digress from seemingly put together to this.
This week, Thursday I have a little too much fun and decide working remotely on my Friday is a good idea. So I want a cheeseburger for breakfast and think to myself, who can go eat a cheeseburger at 10am on a Friday? This girl! Call her up, she answers the phone laying in this mutual friend of ours bed. Tells me about her night which makes mine look like a bible study and thinks cheeseburgers are a great idea.
I roll over to the dudes house because I know him just as well as she does... He is a cutie and I am in shock that they stayed the night together. When I get there, he is cool and she is telling endless stories of baby daddy drama. I think to myself, this guy is hot, single, fun and funny... Why should he be off limits because this girl who I am not even that close to got wasted with him last night. Even if they made out, he's still fair game.
In the interest of good sportsmanship I make this thought process known, she thinks I am kidding. I half ass was but before we leave the house, I have this guy wearing a wedding ring pretending we are married.
The day and night go down hill from here. I remain fun and low key, every person who crosses ol' girls path gets a slice of her dramatic life story. I didn't even have to do anything to become the most desirable female in the room, she did it for me. He and I actually make plans for the next weekend before the sun goes down. I straight up took him from her... In fact at one point she said, "I am not sure how I woke up in his bed this morning and you are married to him." My response was classic! "I'm good at closing deals... that's why I am good at my job."
The moments of tension that arise between her and I are squashed and come out unscathed. It was mean though. If it were a girl friend I respected and thought this guy might have a genuine interest in, I never would have done it. Honestly, I felt like I was doing him a favor. You really think an unemployed single mother of two with no leads on school or a new job, that is fighting with one ex over custody who is literally married to a girl that was a lesbian before they met and between them they are expecting kid number 9, yes, NINE and the other ex fresh out of rehab for a drug and alcohol addiction he has battled for the better part of 15 years. Aside from the fact she can't help but only talk of dramatic conflicts in her past and present... Is this really the kind of girl you would let even an acquaintance get involved with? Let alone a high school buddy, you run into all the time and find attractive. I mean... What was I to do?
The bridge between her and I may be a little bit crispy. For the first time I can take the blame. She never would have dreamed I would have swooped in like that on someone she was blatantly interested in and I am a little surprised at myself for doing it. In the end, I am not sure the boy is going to be worth it but the friendship isn't really worth it either. Regardless, I have a date on Friday night and had a blast this weekend.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Did We Ever Really End?
I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING since JFK and I officially broke up months ago. I say "officially" but I think we can more accurately call this a "technical" break up. I fell into the same cycle that I think a lot of women linger in after a relationship ends. I didn't let it.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this was right or healthy and it is obviously only possible if the man is on the same page but I really didn't let this relationship come to a screeching halt.
JFK chose to cut out the physical part of dating with only one real notable slip up but everything else stayed the same. He treats me exactly the way he did when we were dating, in fact he is a little better. We spend the same amount of time together, having at least one dinner and drinks date night a week. He sees my daughter and my friends when it works in with his schedule and he calls me every day. We talk multiple times a day and he never doesn't call me back. I am not frustrated because he goes off the grid, he just doesn't really do it as much.
He isn't dating anyone else, at least not that he admits and honestly with the amount of his spare time he spends on me, I tend to believe him. BUT we are not together and we haven't been since November.
Fast forward to March, we spend St. Patrick's Day together and a few things are changing in my life. I am moving into a new fantastic house, I have an amazing job and I have started dating someone else. JFK and I are successfully doing what we set out to do, remain friends.
Just a few little things about this "friendship" are giving me cause to write. I have some mixed emotions I need to get out into the world because I am in a real weird place. I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
You see the problem. We have gotten even closer, we are even better friends than we were. We cut out the physical but we didn't back off on the emotional at all and he sees that too. I have put this boy through more, 'Why aren't we dating?' conversations than any sane man could possibly stand. We have had tearful screaming fights and I have lashed out with anger at him on several occasions but he stayed. He always initiated the apology or offered a humerus voicemail to cut the tension and get us back on track. He never has never given up on wanting me in his life but he insists we are just friends.
Everyone I know, can see that he loves me too. Everyone knows he is young and scared but strangely committed even though he is pushing me to move on, he is encouraging me to start dating which I have reluctantly started to do...
Enter, Hot Doctor. That's right... I met someone and it was like the Universe smacked me in the face and said, here maybe this will help.
I have gone on the occasional date, no more than 2 with a single given guy. I met a hottie on a Girls Ski Trip in Park City, Utah and played boyfriend/girlfriend with him for 3 days but that's it... I was still just pseudo dating JFK and we were having a great time (most of the time).
Then, my childhood best friend Liv comes in town for a quick visit. We hit up a new bar my favorite bartender has just opened, I was actually there with JFK two days earlier. In walks an attractive man who at an 80% empty bar on a Wednesday night sits next to me and introduces himself. We proceed to chat for 4 hours and then he asks for my phone number. I give it to him, not sure if anything will come of this he gives me a polite hug and a peck on the cheek before leaving.
His stats are impressive: 33, never married, no kids. He has moved to Tulsa for his Cardiology Fellowship. That's right this hot guy who hit on me at a bar is a real live single cardiologist. Let that sink in for a second, first off, I didn't know single hot doctors existed outside of prime time TV dramas. Secondly, if this mystical creature does in fact exist they are not interested in me. I am WILD.
I will give myself some credit, since I began this blog in early 2011 I have taken my train wreck of a life and made something of myself. I am in a successful career I have had for over 2 years. I have dated one attractive, successful, respectful man (JFK) for about a year (if you count all the time he didn't realize we were dating). I reached some personal goals too: I bought a new car in 2011, I moved into a cute house and am on the verge of moving into an even nicer house. I am a better mother, in better shape (down 20+ lbs) and I am emotionally the most stable I have ever been. All that being said, I still spend too much money, I just thankfully make more and I drink too much which leads to hilarious antics at some of my favorite watering holes. You can see where a single mother with a sub par credit score and an affinity for boozing might not be the quintessential future wife of a cardiologist.
When he called the very next day and asked me out for Saturday Night, I couldn't say no. I would be an idiot to say no to a date with Hot Doctor.
The date went great, the whole month of dating is going great. He seems to really like me. He seems genuinely interested in most everything I say. He is polite and affectionate. He is passionate and caring. Gorgeous and utterly brilliant. He is a total catch. I am kind of the luckiest girl on the planet that my best friend planned a last minute visit which rearranged my schedule so I could go out with her but then those plans got cancelled so I had to improvise which led us to a casual bar where a Hot Doctor approached me.
The problem is JFK, since he is my best friend and everyone knows the best relationships are with your best friends. He and I have analyzed his fear of commitment and it finally made since in a matter of fact conversation on St. Patrick's Day. He didn't say anything he hadn't said 100 times before but this time it sunk in... "I know where this relationship leads, I know what happens if we start dating again, even casually. It eventually gets serious and I am not ready for that. I am not going to be ready for that, not in like a couple years, I may not be ready for that in like 10 years and I don't want to waste your time. I am wasting your time."
It makes since, in 10 years he could easily marry me and want to have a family... I will be 40 and I don't want to be starting my life with someone who wants and deserves children at 40. If babies are in my future, they are in the next 5 years. I know too much medically to be comfortable having children later in life, even if you can, I do not believe you necessarily should. Besides, I'd rather not be 60 with a teenager and a 40 year old daughter.
In our more recent conversations he has said stuff like, "You and HD are just a better fit." He has inquired as to why and how I can still be stuck on him even a little bit when I have "traded up" so significantly. I answered him honestly,"You are my best friend, I have always wanted to marry my best friend and I can tell you in my 15 years of dating and relationship experience, NO ONE has ever gotten me like you get me." He laughed and agreed with all of it. I get him in the same manner and I am his best friend too.
So, my bestie girl friend watching this saga unfold thinks the more space I put between JFK and myself and the more I open up to HD the more clear this will all become. Her theory is, JFK will either realize he wants this because I am actual perfect for him. OR he will let me go and I will continue to fall for HD.
I just hate that I know what I want, but I cannot have it. It's like being upgraded to First Class and you have to take it but by taking it, you don't get to sit next to your best friend. I am just waiting to see if the Hot Doctor I met in First Class will be who I continue the vacation with or if after our international flight apart, my best friend just can't wait to explore the world with me. (Now that is a good analogy, BOOM!)
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this was right or healthy and it is obviously only possible if the man is on the same page but I really didn't let this relationship come to a screeching halt.
JFK chose to cut out the physical part of dating with only one real notable slip up but everything else stayed the same. He treats me exactly the way he did when we were dating, in fact he is a little better. We spend the same amount of time together, having at least one dinner and drinks date night a week. He sees my daughter and my friends when it works in with his schedule and he calls me every day. We talk multiple times a day and he never doesn't call me back. I am not frustrated because he goes off the grid, he just doesn't really do it as much.
He isn't dating anyone else, at least not that he admits and honestly with the amount of his spare time he spends on me, I tend to believe him. BUT we are not together and we haven't been since November.
Fast forward to March, we spend St. Patrick's Day together and a few things are changing in my life. I am moving into a new fantastic house, I have an amazing job and I have started dating someone else. JFK and I are successfully doing what we set out to do, remain friends.
Just a few little things about this "friendship" are giving me cause to write. I have some mixed emotions I need to get out into the world because I am in a real weird place. I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
You see the problem. We have gotten even closer, we are even better friends than we were. We cut out the physical but we didn't back off on the emotional at all and he sees that too. I have put this boy through more, 'Why aren't we dating?' conversations than any sane man could possibly stand. We have had tearful screaming fights and I have lashed out with anger at him on several occasions but he stayed. He always initiated the apology or offered a humerus voicemail to cut the tension and get us back on track. He never has never given up on wanting me in his life but he insists we are just friends.
Everyone I know, can see that he loves me too. Everyone knows he is young and scared but strangely committed even though he is pushing me to move on, he is encouraging me to start dating which I have reluctantly started to do...
Enter, Hot Doctor. That's right... I met someone and it was like the Universe smacked me in the face and said, here maybe this will help.
I have gone on the occasional date, no more than 2 with a single given guy. I met a hottie on a Girls Ski Trip in Park City, Utah and played boyfriend/girlfriend with him for 3 days but that's it... I was still just pseudo dating JFK and we were having a great time (most of the time).
Then, my childhood best friend Liv comes in town for a quick visit. We hit up a new bar my favorite bartender has just opened, I was actually there with JFK two days earlier. In walks an attractive man who at an 80% empty bar on a Wednesday night sits next to me and introduces himself. We proceed to chat for 4 hours and then he asks for my phone number. I give it to him, not sure if anything will come of this he gives me a polite hug and a peck on the cheek before leaving.
His stats are impressive: 33, never married, no kids. He has moved to Tulsa for his Cardiology Fellowship. That's right this hot guy who hit on me at a bar is a real live single cardiologist. Let that sink in for a second, first off, I didn't know single hot doctors existed outside of prime time TV dramas. Secondly, if this mystical creature does in fact exist they are not interested in me. I am WILD.
I will give myself some credit, since I began this blog in early 2011 I have taken my train wreck of a life and made something of myself. I am in a successful career I have had for over 2 years. I have dated one attractive, successful, respectful man (JFK) for about a year (if you count all the time he didn't realize we were dating). I reached some personal goals too: I bought a new car in 2011, I moved into a cute house and am on the verge of moving into an even nicer house. I am a better mother, in better shape (down 20+ lbs) and I am emotionally the most stable I have ever been. All that being said, I still spend too much money, I just thankfully make more and I drink too much which leads to hilarious antics at some of my favorite watering holes. You can see where a single mother with a sub par credit score and an affinity for boozing might not be the quintessential future wife of a cardiologist.
When he called the very next day and asked me out for Saturday Night, I couldn't say no. I would be an idiot to say no to a date with Hot Doctor.
The date went great, the whole month of dating is going great. He seems to really like me. He seems genuinely interested in most everything I say. He is polite and affectionate. He is passionate and caring. Gorgeous and utterly brilliant. He is a total catch. I am kind of the luckiest girl on the planet that my best friend planned a last minute visit which rearranged my schedule so I could go out with her but then those plans got cancelled so I had to improvise which led us to a casual bar where a Hot Doctor approached me.
The problem is JFK, since he is my best friend and everyone knows the best relationships are with your best friends. He and I have analyzed his fear of commitment and it finally made since in a matter of fact conversation on St. Patrick's Day. He didn't say anything he hadn't said 100 times before but this time it sunk in... "I know where this relationship leads, I know what happens if we start dating again, even casually. It eventually gets serious and I am not ready for that. I am not going to be ready for that, not in like a couple years, I may not be ready for that in like 10 years and I don't want to waste your time. I am wasting your time."
It makes since, in 10 years he could easily marry me and want to have a family... I will be 40 and I don't want to be starting my life with someone who wants and deserves children at 40. If babies are in my future, they are in the next 5 years. I know too much medically to be comfortable having children later in life, even if you can, I do not believe you necessarily should. Besides, I'd rather not be 60 with a teenager and a 40 year old daughter.
In our more recent conversations he has said stuff like, "You and HD are just a better fit." He has inquired as to why and how I can still be stuck on him even a little bit when I have "traded up" so significantly. I answered him honestly,"You are my best friend, I have always wanted to marry my best friend and I can tell you in my 15 years of dating and relationship experience, NO ONE has ever gotten me like you get me." He laughed and agreed with all of it. I get him in the same manner and I am his best friend too.
So, my bestie girl friend watching this saga unfold thinks the more space I put between JFK and myself and the more I open up to HD the more clear this will all become. Her theory is, JFK will either realize he wants this because I am actual perfect for him. OR he will let me go and I will continue to fall for HD.
I just hate that I know what I want, but I cannot have it. It's like being upgraded to First Class and you have to take it but by taking it, you don't get to sit next to your best friend. I am just waiting to see if the Hot Doctor I met in First Class will be who I continue the vacation with or if after our international flight apart, my best friend just can't wait to explore the world with me. (Now that is a good analogy, BOOM!)
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