Day 4 and 5: No Really, It's Over

I AM TERRIBLE AT THIS... I am terrible at not talking to JFK. In the last 4 days I have talked to him multiple times each day. Some times there is an underlying break conversation and some times it is just our daily BS. He still seems to be sticking to his guns that we are over and I am just kind of acting like we are not. 

When I think back over all I accomplished emotionally before JFK and I dated, I remember vowing something like this would not happen. I would not cling to a relationship with someone who no longer wanted it. I am doing that... I am refusing to let go. I think it is sufficient to say that every day you keep holding on to this you lose it just a little bit more. Every day I try and bring it back to where it was I push him further away but in the moment that short term contact is so fulfilling.


Yesterday, I called him after a long day of meetings and some frustration towards an account I want badly but may not be getting. He asked what was up and I said well when I called you earlier it was sort of to vent but I think I have calmed down. Without missing a beat he said, "You know those accounts that tell you it will be 6 months or a year, maybe longer? That is ok, because in 6 months or a year, we are still going to need to eat, we are still going to have bills to pay. That account will still be good then." I was kind of astonished, I didn't even tell him what I was so frustrated about and I asked where that little nugget of wisdom came from. He told me it was a speaker at his office and he said "when I heard it I thought, Sunshine, needs to hear this."

He was right I needed to hear that and to talk about how rough it is to have a loss even if it isn't forever and the potential gain long term is even greater. It is hard to be patient when in my line of work we are so focused on what is happening right now. 

This little chat made me happy to still have him in my life and sad that he is no longer playing the role of boyfriend. Today I need to regain control of this situation. I need to make the actual effort to stop. Today I stop taking short term satisfaction at the price of long term happiness. I know I will still want him as a person in my life in 6 months or a year but I need to take the time to heal so I am satisfied with him as just a friend. 

I am not there yet, you know where else I am not? I am not ready for anybody else. I am a pretty cool chick and so the fact that the man friends are already coming out of the woodwork should be flattering. Break Up on Sunday and the requests for my company have rolled in by Thursday. 

I am not ready for that at all... I am not ready to hang out with anyone who sees me as a potential relationship. I want some girl time and some time to bitch about my loss talk about how much more I deserve and move forward. Weekends partying with a guy who wants to get in my pants or dinner dates with someone who has always wanted a chance at something more, are not appealing at all. Flattering yes, actionable no. 

I want to give JFK his space and for him to come back realizing how big of an idiot he is.... If that is still my primary dream. I am not ready for any one else. 

 
  

The Break Up Day 3: Resistance is Futile

Whenever any of my girl friends are going through the end of a relationship I constantly preach, cut ties. Just cut it off, no more communication. I am absolutely certain a clean break will do one of two things. 1) He will miss you, or me in this case so terribly that he is forced to realize what a vital role I play in his life and he will come back OR 2) I will just get over it. Both of these are viable options.

Just like every girl I know this is the hardest thing to do. It is so hard to cut yourself off from someone you have been in pretty constant communication with for an extended period of time. JFK and I use to go a day or the weekend without talking but I just kind of saved up everything I wanted to say to him for our conversation when he got home from camping or hunting or drinking like he is 19 again. Just stopping all of the little things you share with a person is difficult. Hell, I can't even do it.

That's right, I woke up with all that resolve to just move forward, let him live with his decision. I woke up strong and ready to just take on the day. So I did, I set a meeting and had a lunch downtown. Low and behold, I am turning to head back towards my office and there he is, sitting at the stoplight next to me... I hate this town.

So what do I do, I call... Of course I call, he has to see me and know I am passing his office building. So, I call. He answers with a joyful tone and asks if I just whistled at him walking to his car. I tell him no I was next to him at the stoplight. He tells me where he is going, we chat about our days. The conversation is normal and light. It's comfortable, I miss it. He runs in to do his errand and says he will call me right back. He does, we continue our pointless exchange about work and monthly goals. The stuff we bonded over initially. Until he gets to his destination and says he has to go but he will call me later. This is where I stop him. I say matter of factly, "I don't know how to do this, if we just keep talking like normal you will never be forced to realize what an idiot you are and what a vital part of your life I have become." To this he actually laughs and says, " 'M', You are awesome. You are f'ing awesome, I really do have to go and I don't know how to do this either but we will figure it out."

When we get off the phone I get this off color picture of a political t-shirt. I literally start laughing out loud and no THE only person I know who would remotely appreciate this crude sense of humor is JFK. I send it to him. He responds with a text of appreciation.

This has to be it. Lighthearted conversation and joking around is the part of the relationship he wants to keep. That is the part of me he was so drawn to in the beginning. That is how this whole thing got started. But I can't keep doing this, I can't act like his friend when I just miss him and want to kiss him. I love all the same stuff he loves about our relationship, I just want more. 

So, I have to resist and that is hard. Because even writing this I can come up with a handful of excuses to talk to him. I have to stop. I am trying so hard to stay busy enough to stop wanting to text him, to flirt with him and see how his day is. 

Yesterday's goal was to stop crying. I succeeded. Today: I must resist the urge to maintain some form of communication. Today we stop talking! Wish me luck...  

The Break Up Day 2: No More Tears and The Stages of Grief

Good News: I am done crying. Yesterday I was just a tearful mess. A sad weeping heartbroken little girl. Do I strike you as a sad weeping heartbroken little girl? No! I have given birth for crying out loud, I am one tough cookie. So, I stopped crying. 

I was laying in bed bawling and I mean ugly crying myself to sleep and I literally said out loud get it out because this is the last time you will cry over this boy and this situation. It's over. I might just be a smidge on the crazy side for talking to myself out loud through my tears but it stirred something in me, something I needed, resolve. The resolve to get over this.

I could be sad over JFK for a long time. This relationship was my first real dive into dating since I gave up douche bags in early 2011. Honestly, it was fantastic. JFK is an amazing man. Our relationship had long term potential. We got each other in a way that is not usual. He understood me better than most of my closest friends. If I wrote down every detail of the kind of man I wanted to end up with, he was the walking manifest of that list. I absolutely adored everything about him. But sometimes things just end. 

I travel back and forth through The Stages of Grief when going through a break up. Sunday, I was Angry and sort of ended the night in Denial and Bargaining but woke up in Depression. I barely functioned yesterday because the Depression was thick but then came the actual Bargaining Stage- The residual break up conversations about if this is fixable.

We talked for what seemed like hours last night, starting as lighthearted normal conversation and going into my desire to go back to the way things were before I got mad and suggested we end this little love affair. He wasn't buying it. In his mind we are staving off the inevitable and he will just hurt me more in the long run. This is not worth saving or fixing to him, no matter how hurt he is that he has crushed me. So, I hung up mad (back in Anger) and crying (Depression).

I also hung up with the realization that I wasn't going to convince him he wanted this to work as much as I did. Even if I could convince him, I didn't want to. Who wants to have to convince someone they want a relationship? This isn't a sales pitch or a test of my abilities to persuade. This is a relationship, you either want it or you don't. Pick one and I will move forward accordingly. 

I think I may have actually said those very words, and he chose. He thanked me for not pushing it any further and being entitled to his choice, which was weird but knowing me, I can kind of drag things on until I get what I want, so he appreciated his god given right to choose. I was in tears as I hung up but it was clear. He was done and I am not desperate. 

Last night was my last cry. I mourned the loss of the person that had quickly grown to be one of my best friends. I miss him already and I know these next few weeks of adjusting to life without him are going to be difficult but my life is going great right now. I am in love with my job. The Monster is thriving in school and socially. I am on my own two feet financially and it feels amazing. I am just really on top of the world. JFK was the icing on the cake, I had a boyfriend I was just crazy about it was all a little too perfect. If the other shoe had to drop, I am glad it was this. Of all the things I have going for me right now, losing JFK is by far the most tolerable.

I really do think Kubler-Ross had the stages of grief correct, you go through all five but I don't believe there is an order, at least not in the beginning or maybe just not for me. I haven't cried while writing this and I am actually in a surprisingly good mood. I know it is going to take some discipline not to call him every time I think something I want to say but I can do it. I can push through this grief and come out solid on the other side. I learned a lot and I am thankful for the relationship. Silver lining: He wasn't a douche bag. I had one of the good ones. Maybe not forever, but long enough to know they are out there and I am not settling for anything less. He really was perfect for me, I guess I wish he felt the same about me.

The Break Up Day 1: I Can't Stop Crying

Like every other almost 30 year old in the world I have been heartbroken by the end of a relationship. I have experienced the pain of a divorce, the betrayal of an affair, the confusion of the end but I've always made it to the other side. 

I have come to realize these experiences, the moving on of love stays with you. I can vividly describe the day I found out about Mr. Toilet's affair in Albuquerque. Just after lunch on February 26, 2009. I remember his joyful text that he was on his way home and him asking about dinner and greeting him at the gate in calm rage after my phone call with the woman who later became his wife. Several years have passed and although I am thankful I wasn't the one who lives in constant wonder of her husbands fidelity, it still effects me. He still effects me. 

My Fabulous Ex-Husband is on the verge of marrying his long time girl friend. We had our usual Monday conversation about the monster's plans for the week. His giddy, "What can I do for you today, Princess?" Still makes me laugh and smile. I have resolved that a small part of me will always love him, after all we did create a human together. 

As I reflect on those break ups and the pain I endured I also remember the betrayal and the anger. There was a lot of hurt that could never be recovered from, there was a lot of pain due to lies and deception. I was devastated but there was a clear end. The relationship was dead and I could accept that and move forward. 

This feels different. This isn't the same heartbreak because some one did something wrong. He didn't cheat on me, there isn't another women he would rather date. He isn't angry and temperamental and our fights are never violent. This ending is just sad and I can't stop crying. 

In the past I have had the anger to cling to, to get me through the moments. It's easy to be tough when you are pissed. But I am not mad, at least not any more and what I was so mad about doesn't seem worth the pain of losing JFK. 

I know my expectations for our relationship were reasonable. I know I didn't really demand much from him and he still couldn't take the steps towards compromise but this is a different kind of hurt. The kind when the only issue could be easily resolved if both parties wanted to work on it. I want to, he knows that, he knows I am devastated by the end of us. He does not and I just have to deal with that. 

But it's the crying, why can I not stop crying? I tossed all night long, I cried myself to sleep, I woke up in tears, I cried in bed all morning until I re-exhausted myself and barely got Maddie up in time for school. I changed the radio a million times and every song brought me to tears. I teared up at my desk checking my emails and every person that stops and says hello has to see the swollen puffy red eyes from a solid 24 hours of crying. I can't stop crying. I hate crying, I resist crying. 

I know I need space to move on and to get over this. I know that if he wanted it to work he would make it work because I am all too willing to do whatever it takes to fix our slightly skewed relationship. But I miss him already. I miss having him to tell everything to, our camaraderie over work, any time I see something funny or something I think he would like. I miss his support and his presence. I already miss him.

So, on Day 1 of my most recent heartbreak I can't stop crying. I am lucky I work in sales and working from home the majority of the day is acceptable. I am really lucky I killed it this month and that the only client I have to see isn't until 3.

I understand mourning a relationship and if I were giving advice to a friend, I would tell her it's OK to cry. Get it out, give yourself a timeline to get it all out. When my Bestie and I talked this morning she told me to take the day and cry it out, so I could start fresh tomorrow. I thought I would power through and keep busy but it's hard to be on your 'a' game when you can't stop crying. So maybe I need a few hours today to mourn the loss of what I thought had so much potential. The boy that became a friend and then a boyfriend, the way I always thought it was suppose to happen.

The Break Up is Coming and This is What I Need to Say.

This feeling of anxiety this nauseating, heart racing, tears welling in the back of my eyes feeling is all too familiar and all too awful and no longer worth it. I cannot do this. I cannot be the girl who would do anything for you, that is absolutely crazy about you, the girl who was actually falling for you and is more devastated than appreciated on a daily basis. 

I can't do this. I cannot be ignored and reduced to some one so insignificant you can't even be bothered to return a text message. To answer a phone call, or to communicate your plans. 

You have gone to such great lengths to exclude me from almost every aspect of your life. Your friends, even mutual acquaintances have no clue you were in a relationship. You refuse to allow me to meet anyone important to you. You have me in my own compartment that is only accessed when it is convenient for you and it hurts. 

This is probably the most rejected and unwelcome I have ever felt in some one's life and I can't do it anymore. 

What I don't think you understand is that before you came along I had a very full life. I still have a very full life. I have an amazing daughter that between her social schedule and extra curricular activities keeps me very busy. I have a close nit loving family and the circle of friends I surround myself with are solid people, some of the most solid people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. I am on a great career path and have proven myself resilient through the changes that has brought on and although the weakest portion of my life has always been financial stability, I have finally disciplined myself enough to be caught up and completely self sustainable in the next 30 days. I have a very full wonderful life and I MADE ROOM FOR YOU IN IT.

That's right I made room for you. You weren't filling some restless needy void. I was whole and healed when I met you. I was emotionally available and in a place that I could be open and vulnerable to you. I took care and caution in getting to know you. I took time to understand you as a person before bringing in the other facets of my life. I fell for you, I saw potential and knew that it would take patience and understanding to build something that could hopefully be lasting. 

But this I can no longer do. I can no longer be told more times than not how I am NOT your girl friend. This is not a relationship. You are not "going to be good" when I am not around, you are going to do whatever you want to do with out any regard for my feelings. I no longer want to be reduced to the girl you answer when it is convenient, you schedule in if there isn't something better. I am not going to patiently await the moment you decide I am worth your time and affection. I cannot do this. 

I cannot be with someone who wants to reduce me to something so disposable while I give more of myself every day.

I have gotten to know you, since February I have gotten to know different aspects of who you are as a person and I have loved and accepted every single one, until this. The part of you that refuses to treat me as something important in your life. The part of you that thrives on hurting my feelings under the pretense of a joke. I cannot be with a person who does not appreciate what I have to offer and does not respect me. You do not respect me. You do not even know how to show a person that you care for any type of affection or emotion. 

We've finally gotten to my breaking point, this weekend was my breaking point. You tear me down, you chip away at my security and confidence in what I thought we had. Your priority is everything but me. And every time I feel like we are getting some where, every time I get a glimpse of you putting forth effort to be a part of my life it ends up like this. It ends with me angry, frustrated and hurt because partying, drinking and golf are all so important you can't be bothered with me. 

I imagine this out pour of aggression is some what shocking I assume you are not even quite sure what you did. So let me tell you specifically the straw that broke the camels back here. Your refusal to return a text or call Wednesday and Thursday until the afternoon resulted in a similar conversation. Where I asked that you just show me the common courtesy of a reply even if it was a can't talk now, call you tomorrow. Our conversation Friday night a continuation of you telling me how not committed you are to our relationship and that you wanted me to call you less. Do you have any idea how much "I am not your boyfriend" and you call me too much hurts me. Because last I checked, I was exclusively sleeping with and dating you, so to be told the opposite is pretty demoralizing. You like to say things that cut me the deepest, that play on my insecurities the most under the pretense that you are kidding. It is not a joke. I do not find it fun or funny that you tell me you are seeing other girls, or if you spend a holiday with me that wouldn't be fair to your other girlfriends. All fun and games to you until you eventually have taken the friendship we based this relationship on and have beaten it to death with your sarcasm and indifference.

You knew I had plans on Saturday that I wanted you to try and be apart of, you knew it was important to me. I understood your family coming into town and your need to find a costume for your office party at Steve's. A party you planned on getting so wasted you would actually stay the night there. So imagine my surprise when I awake to pictures of you in a costume that took about 45 seconds of effort and at a club. I feel pretty lied to about your intentions for the evening, but your arms thrown around some girl and a beer in your hand definitely made light of where I stand with you. 

You couldn't be bothered to answer my call before your parents got to town, you couldn't respond to any of my texts before your little party but you sure found the time to get wasted with your friends. And this continues into today, instead of calling and talking to me this morning, or answering any of my text messages, you wait until I am so vehemently angry to tell me you are on the mother fucking golf course and you will call me when you leave. 

At least you finally told me that, I have been waiting for that courteous text message for months. 

You know I am trying to be patient, you know that I am willing to give you all the space you need to do whatever you want. You know that the only thing I require to feel happy and secure in our relationship is communication but you refuse. It's like something you hang on to ensuring you always have your way, the upper hand.

So here we are, I am finally done. I am finally sick of looking like the idiot girl who fell for a guy who actually couldn't careless about her. I am done being disrespected by you. Done looking for clues that you care about me instead of knowing. 

And I am heartbroken. I am devastatingly crushed over this because I did fall for you. I overlooked your inability to be intimate because I loved everything about you, even your flawed often ill timed sense of humor. I was encouraged by your drive to be successful and your willingness to work hard. I love your confidence and the ease in which you carry yourself. I loved when you kissed me like you meant it because it was the greatest feeling in the world to be desired by you. I liked your jokes, taste in music, movies, love of sports, desire to be low key. The closeness of your family, your character, your respect of my parents and the effort you put forth with my friends and my daughter. I fell for the man that I know you are, the one that made me want to be the best possible version of myself because that is what I thought you deserved. I wanted to be a success in my own right, to carry myself in a manner of which you could be proud I was a significant part of your life, I even wanted to cook perfectly for you. I loved having sex with you and being physically close to you and I didn't mind that you hate to cuddle and I understand a need for alone time- I identified with those things. I wanted you to have everything you wanted out of life. But I can't be so neglected at this stage. I can't give you these pieces of me anymore because you don't cherish and respect them. I can't give that to someone who doesn't want me. 

So this one is for real, I can't say no to you wanting to just be friends. I don't want to be friends, not right now. I am sure at some point I will. I will get over this too and then lunches and beers will be fine but right now, I am heartbroken. I found a person that I loved even their flaws and respected every single part of, a person that encompassed what I wanted in a partner and that person told me one too many times that I wasn't good enough. 

I had to write it down and get it out because I can't articulate my feelings in conversation the way I can in writing and even though me telling you all of this is for my peace and my closure. Given the disregard you show me, I cannot help be know this isn't heart breaking to you. This isn't something you are going to lose sleep over or be devastated by because there are tons of girls out there who will give you the satisfaction of a couple weeks and you don't have to be emotionally vested in them. You don't have to think about a future or how they fit into your life. I know what you want is not me and that some waitress will fill the spot I have been holding for the last 6 months. I feel so stupid, I thought we were actually working. I thought we were getting some where these last few weeks.

I don't think I have ever loved someone so recklessly knowing the reality was, he felt nothing for me. Thanks for the dinners and the drinks, I really enjoyed getting to know you.

Goodbye, JFK. 

The Suffering and Redemption

If you have kept up with this blog even remotely over the past few months, you know a few things:
       1) I am head over heals for my boyfriend JFK.
       2) He likes to live in a state of denial of the seriousness of our relationship.
       3) I put up with his immaturity and occasional distance. 

The last time we had a serious issue, I damn near killed him or more accurately it damn near killed us. He went off the grid without warning and I went ballistic. Every girl I know would have been upset- if the guy you've been dating for months just chooses not to call or answer texts for a day you're seeing red. 

We eventually had a talk about it... It's been a month now and I don't know exactly what was said but I was faced with a decision. I either accept the fact that he is not quite ready to be in a serious relationship and these little outbursts of rebellion are going to happen from time to time OR I end it. 

My roommate The Loric having listen to my outrage and rants about how done I was sort of saved the day with one simple revelation. "He's not ready for this level of commitment, no matter how much he wants to be ready, he's just not." 

I know this, he has told me this. He is very upfront with how he thinks he is a shitty boyfriend because he wants to be selfish and this is the time in his life he really can be. He has blatantly told me that when it gets to be too much he pulls away. That every other girl he has tried to date has gotten too serious and through no real fault of their own, he ends it. He hates being the bad guy and he hasn't ever taken things as slowly as he is with me. 

So September was kind of a rocky road, a lot happen he casually met my brother and my parents, stated spending time around my daughter and my couple best friends. He went off the grid and brought the "are we better as friends" card into the mix. He had a tough month at the office, I was out of work for half of it. Money was tight. We were frustrated and just hanging by a thread. 

He admitted his mistake and acknowledged a change and I was not willing to let this be the end of us. Although, I realize for every two steps forward there seems to be a giant leap back. He just encompasses all I've ever wanted... So I am being patient or at least trying.

We just past the 5 month mark and it seems we've turned a corner in October. He is getting a little more use to being referred to as my boyfriend. We are make plans for future stuff, not far off future but Christmas parties have been a topic. I am giving him all the leeway I can stomach in his quest to be a balanced 25 year old. He has become slightly more communicative and his playful flirtatious nature is still intact. 

I am in awe that I have spent the last FIVE whole months with him and that we are still seemingly moving forward. I am really happy and he seems pretty content as well. Even though the growing pains are many and more often than I am use to, we are figuring this out and it is so worth it.  

The Weekend JFK Reminded Me, He's Only 25!

THIS WEEKEND WAS ROUGH not only in the relationship department but just all around sucked. I had such high expectations going into it and I never hesitate doing so, but I was so off base this weekend it's shocking. 

Let's start on Thursday Night... Fashion's Night Out in the thriving metropolis of Tulsa, Oklahoma. JFK has been geared up for this event for a few weeks, knowing full well the big brother introduction is inevitable. Despite his hesitation at points to be in a real live relationship, he handled it very well. He even met my mother... The night was good until dinner- without much thought he told me his plans to cook out with some co-workers on Saturday. Hmmm.... That's funny, we have plans for Saturday. 

This brings on a bit of a heated conversation, in which I express had he acknowledged the  change but said this was something he really wanted/needed to do and offered up an alternative to the time we would have been together-NBD. Anyway, night goes on, ends fine. 

Friday... We talk and I know he has a golf game but it's Kiki's Birthday and there is a big party. I asked him weeks in advance to go with me. He said he would call and meet up after golf. Rainstorm and a nap later, I bail on the party myself. Being recently unemployed and trying to have a little sense with the few dollars I have until I start a new job, bar hopping is not the wisest move for me. JFK is MIA anyway, so I just relax at the house and go to be early. 

1:15am, the phone rings it's JFK. He has no idea I bailed on the party and is wondering where I am, we were going to "meet up" remember... Bars close in 30 minutes. I am dead to the world until this revelation that he's been out all night partying with the guys. So much for our plans, because when I hear "I'll call you after my golf game" and the golf game gets rained out by 7:45, I expected him to call well before 1am. 

"Pick your battles, Sunshine, this is not where you want to put your flag in the sand," says the voice in my head that sounds remarkably like my best friend Tia. Since, I am now wide awake and assume he is on Brookside a block from my house, I call him at 2 to tell him to come over. When he calls back 10 minutes later, he is already crossing the bridge to his house, so that's out. We chat for a few and the last thing he says to me is "I'll call you in the morning. We'll figure out tomorrow." 

Saturday... I wake up in a decent mood. Text JFK a Good Morning text at 10:30, thinking I can make breakfast we can knock out some time together this gorgeous day and he can be free for his cook out later. I'm such a sweet girlfriend. 11:30 no response, I think I will call this is a great idea. No answer, left a funny message. 1:30 and I have still not heard anything, at this point I am a little frustrated and wonder what he is doing that he isn't responding to me. I send the text, he knows I am on the verge of anger, a wise man would take heed this warning, "Seriously, call me back." 

FOUR THIRTY in the afternoon, still nothing... This kid has a god damn death wish at this point. Now, I am not an idiot, I know I should have text one time and never reached out again but I thought I was pretty cool to be some what OK with the fact that he completely blew off our weekend plans, so calling when he said he would isn't that much to ask. Last call, voicemail, "J-F-K this is SUNSHINE, you need to return my call." NOTHING.

My high school best friend comes in town, drags me off my couch for a few drinks at a couple bars. I get home, I am still livid but have had enough to sleep. Wake up, 8am and I am on the verge of a freaking panic attack. I cannot believe this dickhead has had the audacity to fucking ignore me. I'm done. I now just want to talk so I can tell him how done I am with his immature ridiculous ass.

I have to get out of this house, I need to clear my head, the walls are closing in the tears are forming, the disrespect with which I have been treated over the past 24 hours is at the forefront of my mind as well as the certainty that this relationship is OVER. Take a xanex, get in the car, head to the river, I need to walk and get my thoughts together. 

Then, to add insult to injury on my quest for serenity, I fucking hit something in the middle of the road, dead on, didn't see it. Pull over and my car is jacked! It pulled this plastic piece off which is now dragging, I can see how to put it on but the trusty pink screw driver is not in my car. Dammit. Call JFK, he answers and I literally say, "I am so fucking pissed at you but I can't deal with that right now, I just hit something and need some help." After a short conversation about where I am and what I hit and a few idiotic suggestions of what I do about it later, I finally say, "or you can drag your lazy ass out of bed grab a Phillip's head screw driver and come fucking help me." 

As soon as I see him I am in a rage, I am beyond frustrated by the car situation, and the fact that JFK has been such a dick I want to stab him with a screw driver.  He fixes my car and I ask, what the hell happened to him yesterday. He literally owns up to the fact that he knew I was mad and it was a real chicken-shit move but he just chose not to call me back. I let him know how utterly disrespectful that is pointing out that he would never treat his friends that way, so why is it ok to do that to me. 

This whole thing spawns the beginning of a conversation we don't have time to finish because of his impending tee time. So I will have to wait until later... 

Slow and Steady: A Tale of Relationships Present

Relationships move at all different speeds. More times than not I find myself in the "zero to common law" paced relationship. I have a tendency to go from hello to playing house without much time in between and in my experience, these end as quickly as they begin.

My current relationship with JFK is quickly approaching the 4 month mark. Although, he only came to grips with the fact we are dating about a week and a half ago. The progression has been slow and for me a little trying because I have this tendency to want to get to the next step. 

JFK and I met in mid February, became friends, and he finally asked me out on what could have been deemed a date on May 1st and kissed me for the first time standing in his apartment wearing a cowboy hat on Cinco de Mayo. Thus began the consistency of time together, communication and kissing. 

At this same time 2 of my other good girl friends started dating boys too. Kiki began a whirlwind romance with a boy we shall call Carl, he reminds me of a grumpy old man a lot of the time so I think Carl is pretty fitting. My other girl friend needs a real sultry nickname or maybe I will just stick with stripper names for them... Jasmine! So, Jasmine started dating William, like the prince.

The first week of May was a good one for my little circle of girl friends. By the second week of may Kiki and Carl were in love. That may not be a literal time line; it may have been the third week but it was most definitely before Memorial Weekend. Jasmine and William started dropping the L-bomb about 3 weeks ago and the coordination of life plans and career plans quickly followed. JFK is on the complete other end of the spectrum, I got mad at him on Wednesday for yelling, "you are not my girlfriend," into the phone. He was partially saying it to get a reaction out of me but mostly because labels and this relationship scare the bageesus out of him. So we are far, far from the I love you's.

All this set up to talk about where we all are RIGHT NOW!... Kiki ended things with Carl last night. She is utterly heartbroken and destroyed. We haven't had a chance to talk about it but this relationship has had issues from the beginning. JFK deemed them "The Most Mismatched Couple on Earth." The differences in personality and the inability to communicate through difficult situations ultimately led to their demise. Kiki has slowly been pulling away but this final ripping off of the proverbial bandaid is crushing. What she is going through right now, I have been through several times before and it is something I never hope to experience again. 

Prince William and Jasmine have started the co-habitation routine. They are staying together every night and he has essentially moved himself in... She likes her girl time though, so kicking him out at least once maybe twice a week is how she keeps her sanity. I think this little budding romance has some staying power if they can keep some semblance of separate lives. 

JFK and I are the complete opposite. In 4 months we have stayed together overnight, three times. I think there were three other times we could have but didn't. I have met, um none of his friends and he has met Kiki and my couple best friends. So, the major players have been introduced but really that is within the last week. Our biggest fights come from me being mad at him because I am not even sure he likes me half the time. I bring this up once a month or so, but it has been a topic of conversation several times this week. 

Of the three relationships, for the first time ever, I think mine has the best foundation. I have been so concerned for Kiki jumping into this thing the way she did and overlooking the red flags along the way. I think she got so caught up in the emotion and was so immediately in love with Carl that every thing she would have turned and walked away from immediately was covered in the blanket of unconditional love. If they weren't so busy looking at a future together, they would have noticed the characteristics that make them incompatible. It isn't really that he is a bad guy, it is that they are just not good together. But in 4 months they have gotten involved in each others families and circle of friends. So Kiki is going to field break up questions for weeks from all angles. 

Prince William has a daughter and although Jasmine is totally cool with that, the daughter has a mother. A mother who has begun her quest to get her man back. This is just a relationship killer, no matter how you slice it, he has to keep peace with the mother of his child. They have to be able to co-parent, so more important than Jasmine is the well-being of his little girl. I think, she thinks, she gets that and is prepared but the stress and pressure and unhappy slightly crazy baby mama, can place on a relationship is unlike anything else in the world. It's relationship chriptonite, trust me, I've used it myself and so has My Fabulous Ex-Husband. 

My slow and steady relationship seems to be the most balanced. Although, I am pretty sure I am falling in love with JFK and as much as I would like to assume that is mutual, finding an indicator that he is falling for me too is proving to be a tough task. I just take stock in the rare moments that he lets his guard down and I get a glimpse of venerability from him.

This week I have been on him about being committed to this or just letting me go. I have harped on him telling me how he feels and on Saturday got so mad, I was actually ready to let him walk away. I know I pushed him but I needed to know he was in this, that he is afraid of me breaking his heart, that he wants to be sure we are going last. He actually responded to one of my "when we are married in 5 years" jokes with, "We probably will be married in five years." (I think there was a "but" followed by something I needed to quit doing, like calling him honey in public. But I stopped listening to soak in that little gem.)

I wish I was  a little more secure in what we have, I think the security I should focus on is in how deliberate the process of being in this relationship has been. It wasn't a surge of emotions, it was a conscious decision to start something. It has been cared for with the hope of sustainability. He is all I have ever wanted in partner. I love the person I have become since dating him. He makes me better, he pushes me without even realizing it. I absolutely adore him and everything about him is perfect for me. 

If slow and steady really wins the race, I am in. I am right where I want to be with an amazing person. I am terrified because he could shatter my heart but I know if by some chance that happened I would survive. We have a real shot. I have a real shot at a relationship I have worked hard to protect and have cherished every moment of its creation. 

Cheers, to being the tortoise!
 

Juggling... Work, Motherhood and a 25 Year Old Something

I AM SO FRUSTRATED! It's 75% job, 15% motherhood and 10% boy. Does that add up to 100? The major stress really is work... I am so unbelievably frustrated with my job. I work for a dickhead, who employs a bunch of dickheads that would be a little more secure in his position as an authority figure if he wasn't such a shitty manager. But hey, that is just my opinion. 

I am pissed at how I have been treated, I am pissed at the blatantly unfair double standard I am being held to and I am SUPER pissed at the closed door meetings with my direct report so he can probe into my conversations with his superior. God! I am so pissed!

The kind of job I have takes a lot of mental resiliency. An ability to let things just, go. I am not good at this, never have been, I am way too emotional, but I am good at my job. I do well with people at least initially, I always joke about how well I interview. I have honed an innate ability to make you (or anyone for that matter) feel like a friend. I can build rapport faster than most and with a genuine level of sincerity. 

I am frustrated with my environment and I am having a hard time blocking it out so I can function on all cylinders. I have resolved to try, that is all I can do. 


The 15% motherhood is a combination of frustration and guilt. I miss the monster when she is gone. We are like two peas in a pod but as with every year the 2 weeks right before school starts are the hardest. Summer camps are over so we don't really have anything structured to do with her. My fabulous ex-husband and I both work early and long hours. We have gotten to where we rely heavily on his fiance or as I like to call her, "the nanny." 

Every year I am torn between keeping her on my regularly scheduled nights all night and letting her stay with her dad. If she stays with him her last few weeks of summer don't involve waking up at 6:30 to get back to her dad's by 7ish. So, in an effort to be a good mom, our normal schedule goes out the window and I see her less. It's only temporary but it drives me crazy. I miss her like mad. She's fine, I know she is fine. The guilt comes in because I know it isn't extra daddy time she is getting when these weeks happen. It is extra nanny time. His schedule rarely varies from 60 hours a week so I feel bad that I am not in a better position to take time off for her in these last precious moments of summer. 

The 10% boy is mostly in my head. JFK amazes me. He is such a great supporter in all things. He has been a steady ear through my stressful uncertainty at the office trying to push me to the other side. I know he has gone above and beyond in his moments of motivation. I really am so lucky to have him in my life. 

My new found fear is probably ridiculous but a source of anxiety nonetheless. I am terrified the uncertainty and negativity spewing from the instability that is my career is going to have an adverse effect on my relationship. In no way do I want my work life to spill over into my personal life in a manner at which it might damage this great thing JFK and I have going.

I want to be able to seek his advice and confide in him my frustrations but I never want my fear of the unknown to be an unattractive flaw of my character. I am human but I still want to seem like I magically have everything under control. I just don't want all this to have a negative impact on the ease dating JFK has been over the past few months. 

I am worried about this, it adds to my anxiety and I want to bring it up with out sounding insecure because it's not insecurity it is a protective instinct. I know regardless of what happens at this current company I will land "up and to the right." I am being more proactive than reactive, I have committed to trying my best to make my current position sustainable. I don't want to come off as needy even though I really do look to him as a positive outlet for my stress.

I love being able to vent to him, I just don't want to overstep that courtesy. His career is so important and I am his biggest fan. I think he is incredible at what he does and I want his focus to be on reaching his goals. I never want to be a distraction. I don't want my current instability career-wise to be the demise of our perfectly healthy relationship. So, I hope he takes it all for what it is, he knows how much I appreciate his support and opinions. 

In all aspects life is a juggling act. I feel like the balls of career, parenthood and relationship are in constant motion and I am just doing the best I can not to drop one. I really am in the place I want to be, I just have to figure out how to lighten the load a bit. How to not have my career a watermelon and the other two golf balls. It's hard to juggle without balance. I need my balance back... I know this is temporary, I know I am taking the necessary steps to insulate myself from catastrophe but really, life is hard. Being an adult is not nearly all it's cracked up to be.

JFK breaks my heart, sooner rather than later... How is that better?

I really do know how to play the game. I really could do this whole back and forth girl manipulation thing that is encoded in my DNA. I don't want to... I want to tell you exactly how I feel and that be OK. I want the same results from my honesty as I would get if I just blew you off and "regained control." I don't want to mess around... I want this relationship to work as it is... Why is that so hard?

JFK and I, well I guess we ended it. After, probably the most honest emotional conversation he has ever had, we called it quits. He called it quits. This is going to sound like a cop-out, like a scene from that stupid movie, "He's Just Not That into You!" The part where the girls give each other all the uplifting excuses for why they got dumped. 

Here goes: HE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT ME. I am dead fucking serious. He doesn't want to disappoint me and he can't stand the thought of hurting me in the long run, so maybe just cutting it off now we can salvage a friendship. 

O I am pissed... You know I hadn't pressed this subject, I hadn't forced to much of an emotional connection because this is what I was afraid of, I was afraid his fear of hurting me would lead to him, actually hurting me and sooner, rather than later. I get it... You don't like being the bad guy. No one does but what we have is really fucking awesome. It's good and surprisingly healthy based on an actual friendship and mutual respect. Neither one of us, have had relationships like this and as far as I can tell, this one is working and working well. 

But NO. You want to bow out gracefully because you care for me and you don't want to fucking hurt me. This little bit of discomfort I feel now is far better than 4, 5, 6, 10 months from now, when you do something to screw it up. FUCK YOU! 

Like I said, I know how to play the game. When the gantlet came down and the decision was made, we should "just be friends" I should have turned around and walked away. I shouldn't have continued to try and figure out why, or if this was a reversible verdict. I should have just said OK and walked away. I should have left you to stew in those, feelings- Your Feelings, but I didn't.

By the time I did walk away, we were both just emotionally exhausted, neither getting an outcome they were actually happy with. I had that about to cry knot in my throat and emotions pooling around my eyes, so I just walked away. But there is something about you, that makes it impossible for me to cry. I couldn't muster a damn tear once I was on my own. I paced the kitchen and all I could think is, I know he cares for me, I know he likes what we have, why is he doing this?

I made mistake number 2, I called... This conversation continued where it left off, talking in circles. Both parties hurt and for the same reason, we are simultaneously living what we were both afraid of and we are doing it by choice. Instead of living we have let the "what if" dictate the end of the perfectly wonderful connection we have.

I realize I am tired and crawl into bed but I know that you are thinking about how you hurt me and all the things you have to get done. I know you're stress level is through the roof and it hurts me even more to think that I am a part of the cause as opposed to the solution. So I text you and it's a pretty playful text. I'm being lighthearted and funny. You are reciprocating... I fall asleep. I never cry and I just sleep. 

I woke up this morning thinking about coffee and how I wanted to see you and if I had my way, you would just apologize and say you're a dickhead, which we both know to be true. But I don't have my way, I don't know what all this means... I do know this:

I know you want to maintain our friendship, you think we can still have and do all the same things, minus the sex, which you admittedly want too but will abstain from to avoid further confusion. You want us still have dinner and drinks and talk and be friends, like nothing ever happened. I can't do that at least not right now. 

I don't want this unnecessary ending to virtually the healthiest relationship I have been in, maybe ever. I can go through the motions. I can act like we are bff and pretend to be OK without the sex and the commitment to not see other people-naked or with the intent of seeing them naked. But all that I feel for you and all that I want will still be there. It's not just going to go away. I am not a guy, there is not a magic switch that goes from caring about someone in a romantic way to strictly platonic. 

So if this is what you, so be it. I am not going to try and sell you on the positives of being in this relationship, I can't. I tried. But I can't be your friend either. So that space I would need to get over you screwing up at some distant point in the future. I will have to have now. I will need to move on from you before I can be your friend, or nothing will have changed at least not on my end and then you really are at risk of actually hurting me. 

We can do this now, or do it later, or maybe, just maybe not do it at all. You might look at this little thing we have going and realize I am not your last two girl friends, or that waitress you were screwing. You just might remember that all this started months ago and has been pretty great. You get to be selfish and have lots of time to yourself to lay on your couch or go see your parents or be an idiot with the guys. And I get to focus on work, being more sound financially, reaching the goals I have set for myself as an independent and still have this amazing guy in my life. I still get to go on dates and have some one to cheer me on as I become more accomplished. We get the comfort of this friendship, of having someone who honestly cares about the other person's needs and feelings. You get me, the biggest cheerleader you will ever know, that wants you to be as successful as you want to be and I get you to motivate me when I just don't want to do the daily grind. I think what we have is absolutely perfect and if it means being OK with you going into "phone off mode" for a weekend to study or go on a golf trip, so be it. 

I am willing to make some compromises, not the big stuff that would make me feel like I am settling but little shit, that makes you more comfortable, I will do that. Just like you do on occasion for me. That's what it's all about. 

But if it's done and it is really just done... I gotta move on. I gotta find the resolve to let the feelings I do have for you go and put you in the friend zone. I can't just go from dating to not dating and have the only difference be you don't feel like you are going to disappoint me and I'm not getting laid. That's not fair... I can pretend to do it but in the long run, I really will hate you.  

Casually Dating

CASUALLY DATING it's suppose to be fun and easy, low maintenance, relaxed without a lot of obligations and expectations. It is the simple time when you are first getting to know a person. You casually date. No pressure. No agenda. Just you and the person you are mildly attracted to enough to want to see on occasion.

I have been casually dating JFK for months now. Yes real, live, whole, plural MONTHS. This isn't one of those Zero to Common Law Relationships with a 3 to 6 week life span, ending in deception and anger. This is a slow moving, mildly paced, getting to know you relationship. 

I do not know how to casually date but I am trying. I am trying so hard and maybe that is a part of the problem, I am having to try to be this easy going girl that I, innately am not. I think all this trying to be laid back is actually having the opposite effect on me. In fact, I know it is not working for me because I went plum-crazy on JFK today. 

Short story long... JFK lives in this massive apartment complex you can see off the highway. I pass it, frequently driving 55 mph and every time I pass I glance over... I don't know why I do this. I just do. It's kind of like how I can't pass 15th and New Haven without checking out the childhood house I grew up in, or how I can see if my Dad's second wife is at home flying down cherry street. I look, I always know if Mr. Taco's car is at his restaurant when I cross the bridge. I have been to JFK's apartment enough times to have the general idea of where his apartment would be from the highway view. That is just how my cognitive schema works.


Today, I pass his apartment, glance to my right and I see his truck. My mind goes into over drive:
'He was out of town when I talked to him this morning, he said nothing about coming back to Tulsa... Wait, No. Nothing.'
'He has one appointment and two phone calls this afternoon but nothing about being home.'
'Oh My God, he lied to me.'
'Why would he lie to me, does he seriously not want to see me so desperately that he thought he should lie and say he was at his parents when he is really right here in town?'


Needless to say this neurotic flood of emotions triggers an even more outlandish response: an anxiety attack. My chest is tight. I'm on the verge of tears. I can't focus on anything other than if that is really his truck. I just need to either be mad and be done with his ass, or figure out what is going on. So, I call him. No answer. Wait a few minutes, head on to my 2:00 appointment. Calm my nerves and think I can get through this, that has to be the most popular color for the most popular truck in America. It's fine. 

At my 2:00 appointment I function just fine. I am probably a little more to the point with a lot less, cheesy getting to know you bullshit but I handle myself. I am after all a functioning member of society. I have about 30 mins to kill before my next need for professionalism and this need for clarity is making me a wreck. I need to know. 

I text the "call me, now if possible" ominous text message.
He responds immediately, "I can call you in about 30." 
"If I do not answer I will call you after my 3:00. But we do need to talk the sooner the better."
Three dings at once, "What's Up?" "Ok" "Everything Ok?"
"No. I don't know." an honest response from me but elusive for sure. 
"What? Hold on I will just call these people back."


Reading this is the first moment my terrified rage turns to shame and I think about what I am doing. I still have to know, it is over powering me, but I now start thinking of what will happen if this bit of crazy is too much for him. He really is amazing. These thoughts begin battling with my accusations of deception and before I can come up with a reply, he calls. 


I answer with, I am so sorry, I didn't mean for you to get off the phone with work. He explains who it was and that it was no big deal. I then say something along the lines of, "Answer me honestly, are you in Tulsa?" He says, "Yes. I am at my apartment." So matter-of-fact-ly I am just pissed. "You didn't tell me you were coming home and I was driving to my appointment and looked over and saw your truck from the highway." I explained the entire thought process, he told me he was home, sitting on his couch, working, in his underwear and to chill out. He is heading back out of town but he had meetings today, he told me that, just not that they were in Tulsa. 


I calm down and try to explain myself although I am somewhere between embarrassed and scared of the consequences of my outburst. But F*ck. This is me. I even know where this crazy tendency stems from. I know why this gave me such a heightened emotional response. I know whose fault this is!... Mr. Toilet! AND I HATE HIM FOR IT!!

I hate that I put the transgressions of men from my past onto JFK. I hate that there is this new quirky insecurity that is there because of what a specific person once did to break me. I hate that I cannot control it enough to get past it and the best I have been able to do, to date is recognize when I am acting this way and hope the person I am with can handle it. 

I keep calling myself crazy, but in reality I am not crazy. I am experienced. Some of those experiences are good and some are bad but all have shaped me. I am a confident, independent fun loving women, with a lot going for me. Some times I need an hour conversation with one of my best guy friends to remind me, that not only do I have game (I landed JFK) but I am totally amazing and he knows it, because he is dating me. 

Freaking out over JFK being in town and not telling me is just one of my many quirks I am sure but hopefully this was just a learning experience. There is a lot we don't know about each other. A lot I hope to learn as this moves forward. I am hoping this lapse in communication gave him a little insight. He seems to know how to deal with me, so far. 




 

The Do's and Dont's of Divorce

I am "friends" with this couple on Facebook. By friends I mean they have a son the same age as my daughter. We cheered for the football team he played for last season. We are more accurately passing acquaintances through the school our children go to, than actual friends. 

This couple is going through a divorce, which by all accounts is tragic but I have never and I mean NEVER seen such immature behavior from two grown adults. I feel so strongly about this public display of break up maddness that I am writing The Do's and Dont's of Divorce, maybe more appropriately, Just the Dont's.

This little blog post is an open letter to the Canadian Couple about how screwed up their situation has become:

Dear Mr. and Mrs Canada (they are both originally from Canada hence the nickname),

In recent months my Facebook news feed has become bombarded with the drama that has consumed your relationship. First, I would like to say, I realize I have the power to delete you as friends, or hide your posts from my timeline but in all honesty, it's like a reality TV series I have become addicted to keeping up with... That being said, I will completely understand your desire to remove me as soon as you finish this letter because I am about to give you a big ol' dose of "My Opinion."

Since this separation has been so well documented for your 800 collective friends I think it is fair you blatantly see what other people have the privilege of judging throughout their days. I haven't spoken to either of you more than a handful of times, ever. But look at all I know about your relationship!

The Beginning: A few months back, the posting of passive aggressive Internet ecards and posters began directed at each other. Mostly about believing whatever you want and not giving a damn about what any one else thinks. Lots of quotes I consider of the "more power to me" and "your opinion of me has no effect on my life" variety.

Then comes the overly descriptive status up dates about Mr. Canada needing help with his anger issues. Ultimately eluding to his abusive tendencies. As well as, the son (the poor, poor NINE year old son) choosing sides, not wanting to be around his father and that this will all be over soon. As the mom thanks her close friends for their support and mentions this all coming out when The Son has to testify, we now know this kid is in for the worst possible kind of divorce- custody issues and witness testimony.

I draw the conclusion that at some point Mr. Canada thought Mrs. Canada was screwing around but whether or not she actually was is not yet published. What we do know is that in recent weeks there is a guy hanging around with her. He may or may not have started a marriage ending torrid love affair but a new male presence has been detected.

In the midst of "under directions from my attorney posts" we have come to see that this man, is accompanying her to her home for "protection" or as I like to think of it, "the severe pissing off of her future ex-husband."

We know she lost her job and has no money and has wrecked her car... all of which are Mr. Canada's fault in some way or another. Maybe not the car wreck part but totally the money and job, he sabotaged for her.

He changed the alarm codes on the house, so she wouldn't know them. She put the house on the market, as quickly as possible. He's getting a "man cave" for him and his son. She is looking for a job and a new place to live. He didn't make his bed before the inspections of the house that is now under contract... blah, blah, blah...

The "I miss my son" posts from both parties, although probably from a genuine place are the most ridiculous to me. They left their kid for the summer with relatives in Canada, while they hash this out. Father of the year over there, cut the kid off from his Facebook a few months into this feud so no permanent damage might be done. First of all, the kid, going into forth grade mind you, HAS A FREAKING FACEBOOK. What is wrong with you people!!! I really am not wanting to judge your parenting but the whole reason to get divorced is to save the kid from a miserable childhood. You guys are ruining his life.

While he is undoubtedly enjoying the surplus of time with his extended family, he must know that his parents are going through a very messy, public divorce. So instead of being face to face to reassure him of the positive aspects in his change in his life. They leave him with a lot of unknowns and what would personally, send me into a childhood anxiety disorder. 

You all are fucking this whole thing up BIG TIME. Pardon my language, I try not cuss on my blog but HOLY FUCK!... This is America. The divorce rate is pretty astronomical, the fact that is it happening to him and his family is not that big of a deal. Kids know about it, they are actually quite use to it. The gargantuan mistake You are making is in how you are treating each other and the public outlet you are using to air this filthy nasty dirty laundry.

I am no Facebook saint, I found out my Douche of a boyfriend was cheating on me back in April of 2011 and let that mo-fo have it in a embarrassing display of immaturity and with a little help from my friends, all over my Facebook wall. I even mentioned his need for Viagra... It was vindictive but classic.
Then again, he was out of my life forever. My daughter had no idea what was going on, she can't get any where near a Facebook page without fearing the wrath of her father. Really, no harm to the kid, just a ding on my image and within 24 hours of clarity (and a blog post) I took it down.
You will also notice I have never, not even once, made a derogatory comment about my ex-husband. We had our own mess of a divorce (I was only 22 and a fire ball of rage, emotions, hurt and hormones) but in all honesty our relationship is stronger now than ever, solely for our precious daughters sake. I love that man, I couldn't do this parenting thing without him. He's a bad ass. I am glad we aren't married, but I picked a great guy to procreate with... Yay! Me!

I have some advice for you both... Delete your Facebooks the damage is done, cut your losses, and get out. Your attorneys are going to take every last cent they can letting you fight this thing out in court creating more issues and ammunition to throw at each other.

No matter what happened to make the marriage end, you two have to learn how to co-parent. It is going to be real difficult to show a united front against the transgressions of a teenage boy when he has this bull-shit excuse for parenting to throw back in your face.

You are role models, that kid looks up to you and every horrible thing you say about the other parent is a reflection on him. The last thing you would ever want to do is hurt your child. So remembering, that he is HALF the other person, they are HALF his identity, might curb those public jabs, just a smidgen. Next, get that kid home. The unknown is by far the scariest part of a divorce for a child. Trust me, I was 8, I remember.

The absolute best piece of advise My Fabulous Ex-Husband and I ever received was from some one who said, "If you two were so hell bent on making each others lives miserable, you should have stayed married."  TRUTH. It's done, you are both hurt, that is no ones business but your own and maybe a confidant you rely on to help you through such a tragic time.

Divorce is the death of a family unit, mourn it with grace and dignity. It is the least you can do out of respect for what you once had or maybe just out of respect for the great son you created.

By all accounts I wish you the best and hope you figure this whole thing out. I have always assumed you were great parents, you have a wonderful son from the brief encounters I have had with him. I hope I wasn't too terribly inappropriate with this letter. I have made so many, SO MANY mistakes in my short 29 years of life. I am merely hoping you can just learn from some of them as opposed to repeating them to your own detriment.
Again, I know this is your personal life and it is none of my business. I am not trying to bash you, so much as, maybe enlighten you to what people you don't even know, know about you.

All the Luck, Peace, and Love in the World,

Sunshine 

An Open Letter to My JFK

JFK and I met back in February, we had a coffee meeting, some failed Saturday night plans, and a few Happy Hours. Communication was sporadic until the very end of April when we set a business lunch, which led to another Saturday night plan, which has now led to us being something more than just friends... I don't really know what this something is but it's been going on for 6 weeks, to the day actually and I am needing to find out... What better way than... An Open Letter to JFK


My darling JFK,

We need to talk (insert cringe here- every guy hates these words)... I have been thinking about a few things. I need to address them and once I get it all on the table I am going to feel so much better. For the last couple weeks but mostly the last several days I have been a little frustrated with our situation. 

First, I should say that this isn't some speech about me wanting more of a relationship. I am slightly frustrated with our lack of time together but honestly this one night a week thing and one lunch a week thing works for me. I like talking to you almost daily but to be clear this isn't intended to be some whiny needy push for a more serious relationship. I just want to explain my frustration, what I am hoping to accomplish and then find out where you are...  and where ever that is will be fine.


I get that we both have these insanely busy schedules. I am confident they are not going to get much better but currently, I feel like this weird obligation. Something you have to squeeze in to appease me. I hate that, if you don't want to see me or spend time with me then don't. I'll get over it, I promise. I just don't like feeling like an appointment that fits into a neat little time slot.

The whole reason I have yet to really force a conversation about "us" is because more than anything I don't want to lose what we have. I respect you so much and I think you are absolutely amazing. Your work ethic is remarkable. The way you motivate me to push further and work harder in my career is unprecedented. Your understanding of outside sales and your ability to celebrate or commiserate with what's going on in my day is what draws me to you. This is the most attractive thing about you. The thought of losing you in that capacity is devastating and I really want to insure that it never happens. 

But... We lack definition and I need definition because with out clear lines and boundaries we are both moving forward in a this relationship (friendship, FWB, business contacts, or whatever it is) without knowing the others' expectations. If we do not establish anything and just take on the whole go with the flow attitude which may seem easiest in your head, we are risking hurting the other persons' feelings unintentionally. Aside from the fact my mind wonders where ever it may so please and obviously, that is never a good idea. We need to figure out what this is, please.

If I take the current aspects of our scenario and just line them out it looks like this:
- We talk almost everyday
- We go out once a week for drinks or dinner and you always pay (by the way thank you)
- We sleep together, once a week but more times than not it is at a time other than when we go out for dinner or drinks. I state this because I want to be clear that every time we are together is not motivated solely by a sexual encounter.
- You send me motivational text messages every Thursday morning for my call session which I loathe but your little gems of encouragement, really do push me through that 4 hours.
- You are the anti-PDA and our public greetings are awkward side hugs. 
- If I am being honest, I initiate more than 50% of the communication between us. 
- We go over our schedules at the beginning of the week to find the possible holes that line up to see each other and then event invitations on our calendars are exchanged.

To me, this seems like we are dating. Not seriously dating, but dating. I'd like to think the slow progression is intentional and that we are forming a pretty tight little bond. 

Since our free time is such a precious commodity, I want to know if you are doing this 'not serious dating' thing with anyone else. I also really want to know if you are sleeping with anyone else. I am not and I really don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people... That seems slutty and grosses me out.  


I need a few little adjustments and a few questions answered to stave off this impending insecurity that is coming on full force. I am not insecure, well maybe I am but I try not to be. I am very independent and my life is very fulfilling without the need to be in a serious relationship. 


With all that said, sorry for getting all bitchy tonight when plans didn't go my way. 


xoxo


me
 

Realistic Dreams and Wrong Assumptions

I had one of those super realistic dreams a few weeks ago, involving JFK. In my dream he had Googled and found this blog. I awoke from this dream almost in tears because I felt so betrayed. I couldn't believe that he would seek out my little 'dear diary' blog knowing full well I wouldn't want him to read my inner most thoughts. We just aren't at a place that I trust him with my crazy.

I woke up in this dazed panic trying to decipher reality. I quickly realized it was all a dream but in my experience, you don't just shrug off dreams that induce such an emotional response. I decide to tell him about it. He laughed at the ridiculousness of me being mad at him for something dream JFK did. He also assured me that he would never do this...

I've been a little hesitant to write all my crazy after that because in his affirmation of respect for my privacy he also assured me that he could find this whenever he wanted. The blog post from a month ago, was something I shared with him. He informed me that all he would have to do is put the post i sent him into Google and it would bring up my blog. 

Well last week, I finally wrote. I've had all these moments of insecurities and a need for clarity in regards to JFK that I finally started writing again. Tonight, after finishing 50 Shades, I was feeling a bit inspired to write. I've been missing JFK and toying with the same questions I've had for weeks. So I got on this little sucker to write... But out of curiosity I decided to look at the traffic sources for my blog. 

Low and behold, google and the second paragraph of my blog about JFK are a source for traffic on this blog. Immediately, I am crushed. How could he? I am so embarrassed, so vulnerable, so stupid. I want to call him and just scream! I realize how crazy it is to be so mad about him looking up a blog I post on the Internet for any ya-who to read but I am just so devastated by his betrayal. He lied to me!

I calm myself and decide I am going to confront him about this. I'll never be able to let this go. I want to know why he would do this and express how important this outlet is to me. 

I decide not to call, I know he has had a busy day and this is probably the last thing he would want to deal with, it's going to be a bit petty and stupid to him. I still have to bring it up for my own peace of mind. In my head, this is the end. I am going to go a bit crazy on him over something that is important to me, that he could not possibly understand and that is going to be the end. He's 25 and is going to go running for the hills. I rationalize all of this and send him a text, cryptic enough to warrant an immediate response. 

"You lied to me and I'm a bit upset so when you are not busy for a few minutes, give me a call." I debate for a millisecond but before I can talk myself out of it, I hit send. As I anticipated, response: "What are u talking about?" 

Now there is no way I am going to have this as a conversation via text message. It is ridiculous enough that I am bringing it up anyway, but over text, that's just down right degrading. So I reply, "Just when you aren't busy, I don't want to interrupt your night. It's not hugely important." He promptly counters with "Hahaha... Alright I'll be finishing up with my stuff in a minute when Daniel leaves I'll call ya"

As I wait for this call processing my emotions, I know I need to calm down. I know I need to not come off as some raging lunatic. I start this entry as I game plan the conversation that is about to unfold, I decide disappointment is a better tactic than anger. I can feel the clarity coming back to me, I can feel the sanity returning... All of a sudden my hands hit my face realizing, I Googled my blog. 

A little over a week ago, I decided to test his theory, so I Googled it. It was me, I am the one Google traffic source using that entry. I am mortified. Any moment he is going to call wondering what I am upset about and I am going to have to tell him this whole ridiculous story. I have lost my ever loving mind. 

He calls, I start at the beginning, telling him I had sat down to write and clear my head, and before I can get to the would-be-accusation he says, "and you think I read your blog." I pause and say, yes but I now think that I Googled it myself. He assures me he has not read it and that I can write to my little hearts content. I apologize for my crazy, asking if at any point I scare him off when I overreact like this... he hesitates, mostly for drama (at least I hope) and says no, it's fine. 

We continue to discuss our weekends and week. Searching for time to see each other. I miss him, even more. Our conversation is actually comforting to me, sort of relieving what I was initially getting on here to bitch about... I hang up thankful for his understanding, soothed by our brief conversation and able to cap off this entry with a smile. I'm a little nuts but I haven't quite scared him off yet.

The Twenty-Five Year Old "Something"

Do you ever feel like you are consciously setting yourself up for disappointment? I know this decision is probably going to hurt in the long run but right now it feels good enough that I just don't care. I think I do this a lot with boys and perhaps in relationships in general.


For instance, I caught you up on the initial meeting and flirtatious banter with my financial planner when I wrote a month ago. Well a lot has happened in the last 30+ days, but rather than write every moment that has made me swoon; let's get to the current issue at hand:
This boy is going to break my heart.

Things have progressed at a slow and easy pace. I still trying to decide if 'slow and easy' is just a positive way at looking at mildly interested. I hate when relationships feel lopsided or when you just don't know what's going on. 

The lack of definition here, has been plaguing me for several days. The more I chat up my crush with my girl friends or get asked at Cheers about JFK, every one seems to have the same question... What's going on with you two?

To which, I have no idea. 

So over my pre-date therapy session/beer with Sam Malone, we dive into the vagueness that is this new relationship. We have great chemistry; we get along really well. It's always fun and light-hearted. But I feel like I am in this anxious state of wondering what's going to happen next... I do not have "go with the flow" in me. 


This is not a comfortable place for me. As Sam Malone pointed out tonight. "You aren't use to this casually dating thing" No sir, I am not. I like clearly defined "relationships." If you like me and want to get to know me, then you do so but I require undivided attention and a lot of it. I am pretty up front about this expectation but not in this case. 

We are in some uncharted territory here. There's been no DTR (Defining The Relationship). There is no expectation of exclusivity. I am "something" (dating, seeing, talking to, sleeping with... something) a twenty-five year old. I've never something'd a twenty-five year old, not even when I was twenty-five. In fact when I was his age, I was a stay-at-home mom planning on marrying Mr. Toilet. I have no idea how to be in this... whatever this is.



It's exciting at best but for the most part nerve racking. I like this guy, I think he is one of the coolest people I have ever met. He's well spoken, educated, driven, well-rounded, and completely put together. Did I mention he looks damn good in a suit? This kid, and yes I call him kid, is the total package. He makes me nervous and giddy. I love spending time with him and I am excited to talk to him every chance I get. I'm kind of smitten but I can't shake the feeling that this kid's going to break my little heart... That's being a bit dramatic but at the very least he might possibly bruise my ego. 

So tonight, Sam tells me I have to some how talk about this. I need some sort of definition because I don't want to get my feelings hurt and end up hating him. Sam knows me well. But I am a total wuss. I don't really want to bring this up because I like how things are, I like the way it is progressing but to me I think it is progressing, I don't know what it is to him. I don't want to ruin it, I don't want it to stop; I want it to move forward but I definitely don't want to be an idiot about things. 

If this kid is like, "hey this girl is cool, she is a good connection as far as people and networking business wise and sleeping with her on occasion seems like a fun way to pass the time." I want to know that... I also want to know if there is some other girl that is cool, that sleeping with on occasion is fun. I don't want to conform to the constraints of a serious committed relationship. I just want to know what this is... I don't like calling it a "something."

Some of our past conversations have touched on long term plans and not being compatible in the future. Which is a little scary to me but as a twenty-five year old guy, the future still seems like this distant place. He's got all the time in the world to meet some one, fall in love get married and have kids... his 10 year plan does not align with mine. In ten years, I'm like 40. How do people do this? How do you not over analyze something that is so far so good? How do you control the neurotic desire to define a relationship? 

I need something so I know what this something is!

The best I could muster tonight was this little wimpy conversation... There was a couple at the restaurant, sitting on the same side of the booth. I jokingly said I wish we sat on the same side of the booth. He knew I was kidding and laughed, that's not going to happen. This opens the door for me to bring up how completely anti-PDA he is... He agrees he's not, yet defends himself with the whole not cuddly affectionate person speech, which I get. I am not super lovey-dovey either, unless I'm drunk. His comfort level and mine really aren't that far off but I am going to need him to graduate from awkward side hug to actual kiss when he sees me. He laughs, concurs and says, "You know what this is? Progress"


He doesn't want some crazy, intense, fast-paced relationship nor do I for that matter. He expresses that he likes what this is and brings up my joke about 3 week relationships. He asks me, some what seriously, when I am going to get mad and be done with him, which usually happens within a three week time frame. I explain that this is moving differently than anything I have had in the past and I am not really worried about it. We end the conversation, promising to be honest with each other and to be respectful enough that we can always maintain a working relationship and a friendship. 

This conversation gave me a little peace of mind, at least enough to not force him into some drawn out conversation about his feelings. He knows I like what we have and want it to continue but with a little more substance, a little more attachment. But I still want things to move at this nice leisurely pace. 

I am still not ready for something super serious. I am focused on my career more than ever and watching my daughter grow up before my eyes. I am not financially as stable as I would like to be but I am working towards some good goals that need to take priority over a boy.


I really like JFK even though this is all so different for me. I usually date these older guys and there aren't many questions as to if they dig me. There is however quite a bit of deceit, at least in my experience. So hopefully this is a good change. JFK does have the one thing I always look for in a guy: Someone who makes me want to be better. He challenges me and I respect him. I want to be this best version of myself, the version of me I love the most, the version I should strive to be all the time. Some times a little motivation can be found in crushing on your financial planner.