Whenever any of my girl friends are going through the end of a relationship I constantly preach, cut ties. Just cut it off, no more communication. I am absolutely certain a clean break will do one of two things. 1) He will miss you, or me in this case so terribly that he is forced to realize what a vital role I play in his life and he will come back OR 2) I will just get over it. Both of these are viable options.
Just like every girl I know this is the hardest thing to do. It is so hard to cut yourself off from someone you have been in pretty constant communication with for an extended period of time. JFK and I use to go a day or the weekend without talking but I just kind of saved up everything I wanted to say to him for our conversation when he got home from camping or hunting or drinking like he is 19 again. Just stopping all of the little things you share with a person is difficult. Hell, I can't even do it.
That's right, I woke up with all that resolve to just move forward, let him live with his decision. I woke up strong and ready to just take on the day. So I did, I set a meeting and had a lunch downtown. Low and behold, I am turning to head back towards my office and there he is, sitting at the stoplight next to me... I hate this town.
So what do I do, I call... Of course I call, he has to see me and know I am passing his office building. So, I call. He answers with a joyful tone and asks if I just whistled at him walking to his car. I tell him no I was next to him at the stoplight. He tells me where he is going, we chat about our days. The conversation is normal and light. It's comfortable, I miss it. He runs in to do his errand and says he will call me right back. He does, we continue our pointless exchange about work and monthly goals. The stuff we bonded over initially. Until he gets to his destination and says he has to go but he will call me later. This is where I stop him. I say matter of factly, "I don't know how to do this, if we just keep talking like normal you will never be forced to realize what an idiot you are and what a vital part of your life I have become." To this he actually laughs and says, " 'M', You are awesome. You are f'ing awesome, I really do have to go and I don't know how to do this either but we will figure it out."
When we get off the phone I get this off color picture of a political t-shirt. I literally start laughing out loud and no THE only person I know who would remotely appreciate this crude sense of humor is JFK. I send it to him. He responds with a text of appreciation.
This has to be it. Lighthearted conversation and joking around is the part of the relationship he wants to keep. That is the part of me he was so drawn to in the beginning. That is how this whole thing got started. But I can't keep doing this, I can't act like his friend when I just miss him and want to kiss him. I love all the same stuff he loves about our relationship, I just want more.
So, I have to resist and that is hard. Because even writing this I can come up with a handful of excuses to talk to him. I have to stop. I am trying so hard to stay busy enough to stop wanting to text him, to flirt with him and see how his day is.
Yesterday's goal was to stop crying. I succeeded. Today: I must resist the urge to maintain some form of communication. Today we stop talking! Wish me luck...
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
The Break Up Day 2: No More Tears and The Stages of Grief
Good News: I am done crying. Yesterday I was just a tearful mess. A sad weeping heartbroken little girl. Do I strike you as a sad weeping heartbroken little girl? No! I have given birth for crying out loud, I am one tough cookie. So, I stopped crying.
I was laying in bed bawling and I mean ugly crying myself to sleep and I literally said out loud get it out because this is the last time you will cry over this boy and this situation. It's over. I might just be a smidge on the crazy side for talking to myself out loud through my tears but it stirred something in me, something I needed, resolve. The resolve to get over this.
I could be sad over JFK for a long time. This relationship was my first real dive into dating since I gave up douche bags in early 2011. Honestly, it was fantastic. JFK is an amazing man. Our relationship had long term potential. We got each other in a way that is not usual. He understood me better than most of my closest friends. If I wrote down every detail of the kind of man I wanted to end up with, he was the walking manifest of that list. I absolutely adored everything about him. But sometimes things just end.
I travel back and forth through The Stages of Grief when going through a break up. Sunday, I was Angry and sort of ended the night in Denial and Bargaining but woke up in Depression. I barely functioned yesterday because the Depression was thick but then came the actual Bargaining Stage- The residual break up conversations about if this is fixable.
We talked for what seemed like hours last night, starting as lighthearted normal conversation and going into my desire to go back to the way things were before I got mad and suggested we end this little love affair. He wasn't buying it. In his mind we are staving off the inevitable and he will just hurt me more in the long run. This is not worth saving or fixing to him, no matter how hurt he is that he has crushed me. So, I hung up mad (back in Anger) and crying (Depression).
I also hung up with the realization that I wasn't going to convince him he wanted this to work as much as I did. Even if I could convince him, I didn't want to. Who wants to have to convince someone they want a relationship? This isn't a sales pitch or a test of my abilities to persuade. This is a relationship, you either want it or you don't. Pick one and I will move forward accordingly.
I think I may have actually said those very words, and he chose. He thanked me for not pushing it any further and being entitled to his choice, which was weird but knowing me, I can kind of drag things on until I get what I want, so he appreciated his god given right to choose. I was in tears as I hung up but it was clear. He was done and I am not desperate.
Last night was my last cry. I mourned the loss of the person that had quickly grown to be one of my best friends. I miss him already and I know these next few weeks of adjusting to life without him are going to be difficult but my life is going great right now. I am in love with my job. The Monster is thriving in school and socially. I am on my own two feet financially and it feels amazing. I am just really on top of the world. JFK was the icing on the cake, I had a boyfriend I was just crazy about it was all a little too perfect. If the other shoe had to drop, I am glad it was this. Of all the things I have going for me right now, losing JFK is by far the most tolerable.
I really do think Kubler-Ross had the stages of grief correct, you go through all five but I don't believe there is an order, at least not in the beginning or maybe just not for me. I haven't cried while writing this and I am actually in a surprisingly good mood. I know it is going to take some discipline not to call him every time I think something I want to say but I can do it. I can push through this grief and come out solid on the other side. I learned a lot and I am thankful for the relationship. Silver lining: He wasn't a douche bag. I had one of the good ones. Maybe not forever, but long enough to know they are out there and I am not settling for anything less. He really was perfect for me, I guess I wish he felt the same about me.
I was laying in bed bawling and I mean ugly crying myself to sleep and I literally said out loud get it out because this is the last time you will cry over this boy and this situation. It's over. I might just be a smidge on the crazy side for talking to myself out loud through my tears but it stirred something in me, something I needed, resolve. The resolve to get over this.
I could be sad over JFK for a long time. This relationship was my first real dive into dating since I gave up douche bags in early 2011. Honestly, it was fantastic. JFK is an amazing man. Our relationship had long term potential. We got each other in a way that is not usual. He understood me better than most of my closest friends. If I wrote down every detail of the kind of man I wanted to end up with, he was the walking manifest of that list. I absolutely adored everything about him. But sometimes things just end.
I travel back and forth through The Stages of Grief when going through a break up. Sunday, I was Angry and sort of ended the night in Denial and Bargaining but woke up in Depression. I barely functioned yesterday because the Depression was thick but then came the actual Bargaining Stage- The residual break up conversations about if this is fixable.
We talked for what seemed like hours last night, starting as lighthearted normal conversation and going into my desire to go back to the way things were before I got mad and suggested we end this little love affair. He wasn't buying it. In his mind we are staving off the inevitable and he will just hurt me more in the long run. This is not worth saving or fixing to him, no matter how hurt he is that he has crushed me. So, I hung up mad (back in Anger) and crying (Depression).
I also hung up with the realization that I wasn't going to convince him he wanted this to work as much as I did. Even if I could convince him, I didn't want to. Who wants to have to convince someone they want a relationship? This isn't a sales pitch or a test of my abilities to persuade. This is a relationship, you either want it or you don't. Pick one and I will move forward accordingly.
I think I may have actually said those very words, and he chose. He thanked me for not pushing it any further and being entitled to his choice, which was weird but knowing me, I can kind of drag things on until I get what I want, so he appreciated his god given right to choose. I was in tears as I hung up but it was clear. He was done and I am not desperate.
Last night was my last cry. I mourned the loss of the person that had quickly grown to be one of my best friends. I miss him already and I know these next few weeks of adjusting to life without him are going to be difficult but my life is going great right now. I am in love with my job. The Monster is thriving in school and socially. I am on my own two feet financially and it feels amazing. I am just really on top of the world. JFK was the icing on the cake, I had a boyfriend I was just crazy about it was all a little too perfect. If the other shoe had to drop, I am glad it was this. Of all the things I have going for me right now, losing JFK is by far the most tolerable.
I really do think Kubler-Ross had the stages of grief correct, you go through all five but I don't believe there is an order, at least not in the beginning or maybe just not for me. I haven't cried while writing this and I am actually in a surprisingly good mood. I know it is going to take some discipline not to call him every time I think something I want to say but I can do it. I can push through this grief and come out solid on the other side. I learned a lot and I am thankful for the relationship. Silver lining: He wasn't a douche bag. I had one of the good ones. Maybe not forever, but long enough to know they are out there and I am not settling for anything less. He really was perfect for me, I guess I wish he felt the same about me.
Monday, October 29, 2012
The Break Up Day 1: I Can't Stop Crying
Like every other almost 30 year old in the world I have been heartbroken by the end of a relationship. I have experienced the pain of a divorce, the betrayal of an affair, the confusion of the end but I've always made it to the other side.
I have come to realize these experiences, the moving on of love stays with you. I can vividly describe the day I found out about Mr. Toilet's affair in Albuquerque. Just after lunch on February 26, 2009. I remember his joyful text that he was on his way home and him asking about dinner and greeting him at the gate in calm rage after my phone call with the woman who later became his wife. Several years have passed and although I am thankful I wasn't the one who lives in constant wonder of her husbands fidelity, it still effects me. He still effects me.
My Fabulous Ex-Husband is on the verge of marrying his long time girl friend. We had our usual Monday conversation about the monster's plans for the week. His giddy, "What can I do for you today, Princess?" Still makes me laugh and smile. I have resolved that a small part of me will always love him, after all we did create a human together.
As I reflect on those break ups and the pain I endured I also remember the betrayal and the anger. There was a lot of hurt that could never be recovered from, there was a lot of pain due to lies and deception. I was devastated but there was a clear end. The relationship was dead and I could accept that and move forward.
This feels different. This isn't the same heartbreak because some one did something wrong. He didn't cheat on me, there isn't another women he would rather date. He isn't angry and temperamental and our fights are never violent. This ending is just sad and I can't stop crying.
In the past I have had the anger to cling to, to get me through the moments. It's easy to be tough when you are pissed. But I am not mad, at least not any more and what I was so mad about doesn't seem worth the pain of losing JFK.
I know my expectations for our relationship were reasonable. I know I didn't really demand much from him and he still couldn't take the steps towards compromise but this is a different kind of hurt. The kind when the only issue could be easily resolved if both parties wanted to work on it. I want to, he knows that, he knows I am devastated by the end of us. He does not and I just have to deal with that.
But it's the crying, why can I not stop crying? I tossed all night long, I cried myself to sleep, I woke up in tears, I cried in bed all morning until I re-exhausted myself and barely got Maddie up in time for school. I changed the radio a million times and every song brought me to tears. I teared up at my desk checking my emails and every person that stops and says hello has to see the swollen puffy red eyes from a solid 24 hours of crying. I can't stop crying. I hate crying, I resist crying.
I know I need space to move on and to get over this. I know that if he wanted it to work he would make it work because I am all too willing to do whatever it takes to fix our slightly skewed relationship. But I miss him already. I miss having him to tell everything to, our camaraderie over work, any time I see something funny or something I think he would like. I miss his support and his presence. I already miss him.
So, on Day 1 of my most recent heartbreak I can't stop crying. I am lucky I work in sales and working from home the majority of the day is acceptable. I am really lucky I killed it this month and that the only client I have to see isn't until 3.
I understand mourning a relationship and if I were giving advice to a friend, I would tell her it's OK to cry. Get it out, give yourself a timeline to get it all out. When my Bestie and I talked this morning she told me to take the day and cry it out, so I could start fresh tomorrow. I thought I would power through and keep busy but it's hard to be on your 'a' game when you can't stop crying. So maybe I need a few hours today to mourn the loss of what I thought had so much potential. The boy that became a friend and then a boyfriend, the way I always thought it was suppose to happen.
I have come to realize these experiences, the moving on of love stays with you. I can vividly describe the day I found out about Mr. Toilet's affair in Albuquerque. Just after lunch on February 26, 2009. I remember his joyful text that he was on his way home and him asking about dinner and greeting him at the gate in calm rage after my phone call with the woman who later became his wife. Several years have passed and although I am thankful I wasn't the one who lives in constant wonder of her husbands fidelity, it still effects me. He still effects me.
My Fabulous Ex-Husband is on the verge of marrying his long time girl friend. We had our usual Monday conversation about the monster's plans for the week. His giddy, "What can I do for you today, Princess?" Still makes me laugh and smile. I have resolved that a small part of me will always love him, after all we did create a human together.
As I reflect on those break ups and the pain I endured I also remember the betrayal and the anger. There was a lot of hurt that could never be recovered from, there was a lot of pain due to lies and deception. I was devastated but there was a clear end. The relationship was dead and I could accept that and move forward.
This feels different. This isn't the same heartbreak because some one did something wrong. He didn't cheat on me, there isn't another women he would rather date. He isn't angry and temperamental and our fights are never violent. This ending is just sad and I can't stop crying.
In the past I have had the anger to cling to, to get me through the moments. It's easy to be tough when you are pissed. But I am not mad, at least not any more and what I was so mad about doesn't seem worth the pain of losing JFK.
I know my expectations for our relationship were reasonable. I know I didn't really demand much from him and he still couldn't take the steps towards compromise but this is a different kind of hurt. The kind when the only issue could be easily resolved if both parties wanted to work on it. I want to, he knows that, he knows I am devastated by the end of us. He does not and I just have to deal with that.
But it's the crying, why can I not stop crying? I tossed all night long, I cried myself to sleep, I woke up in tears, I cried in bed all morning until I re-exhausted myself and barely got Maddie up in time for school. I changed the radio a million times and every song brought me to tears. I teared up at my desk checking my emails and every person that stops and says hello has to see the swollen puffy red eyes from a solid 24 hours of crying. I can't stop crying. I hate crying, I resist crying.
I know I need space to move on and to get over this. I know that if he wanted it to work he would make it work because I am all too willing to do whatever it takes to fix our slightly skewed relationship. But I miss him already. I miss having him to tell everything to, our camaraderie over work, any time I see something funny or something I think he would like. I miss his support and his presence. I already miss him.
So, on Day 1 of my most recent heartbreak I can't stop crying. I am lucky I work in sales and working from home the majority of the day is acceptable. I am really lucky I killed it this month and that the only client I have to see isn't until 3.
I understand mourning a relationship and if I were giving advice to a friend, I would tell her it's OK to cry. Get it out, give yourself a timeline to get it all out. When my Bestie and I talked this morning she told me to take the day and cry it out, so I could start fresh tomorrow. I thought I would power through and keep busy but it's hard to be on your 'a' game when you can't stop crying. So maybe I need a few hours today to mourn the loss of what I thought had so much potential. The boy that became a friend and then a boyfriend, the way I always thought it was suppose to happen.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
The Break Up is Coming and This is What I Need to Say.
This feeling of anxiety this nauseating, heart racing, tears welling in the back of my eyes feeling is all too familiar and all too awful and no longer worth it. I cannot do this. I cannot be the girl who would do anything for you, that is absolutely crazy about you, the girl who was actually falling for you and is more devastated than appreciated on a daily basis.
I can't do this. I cannot be ignored and reduced to some one so insignificant you can't even be bothered to return a text message. To answer a phone call, or to communicate your plans.
You have gone to such great lengths to exclude me from almost every aspect of your life. Your friends, even mutual acquaintances have no clue you were in a relationship. You refuse to allow me to meet anyone important to you. You have me in my own compartment that is only accessed when it is convenient for you and it hurts.
This is probably the most rejected and unwelcome I have ever felt in some one's life and I can't do it anymore.
What I don't think you understand is that before you came along I had a very full life. I still have a very full life. I have an amazing daughter that between her social schedule and extra curricular activities keeps me very busy. I have a close nit loving family and the circle of friends I surround myself with are solid people, some of the most solid people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. I am on a great career path and have proven myself resilient through the changes that has brought on and although the weakest portion of my life has always been financial stability, I have finally disciplined myself enough to be caught up and completely self sustainable in the next 30 days. I have a very full wonderful life and I MADE ROOM FOR YOU IN IT.
That's right I made room for you. You weren't filling some restless needy void. I was whole and healed when I met you. I was emotionally available and in a place that I could be open and vulnerable to you. I took care and caution in getting to know you. I took time to understand you as a person before bringing in the other facets of my life. I fell for you, I saw potential and knew that it would take patience and understanding to build something that could hopefully be lasting.
But this I can no longer do. I can no longer be told more times than not how I am NOT your girl friend. This is not a relationship. You are not "going to be good" when I am not around, you are going to do whatever you want to do with out any regard for my feelings. I no longer want to be reduced to the girl you answer when it is convenient, you schedule in if there isn't something better. I am not going to patiently await the moment you decide I am worth your time and affection. I cannot do this.
I cannot be with someone who wants to reduce me to something so disposable while I give more of myself every day.
I have gotten to know you, since February I have gotten to know different aspects of who you are as a person and I have loved and accepted every single one, until this. The part of you that refuses to treat me as something important in your life. The part of you that thrives on hurting my feelings under the pretense of a joke. I cannot be with a person who does not appreciate what I have to offer and does not respect me. You do not respect me. You do not even know how to show a person that you care for any type of affection or emotion.
We've finally gotten to my breaking point, this weekend was my breaking point. You tear me down, you chip away at my security and confidence in what I thought we had. Your priority is everything but me. And every time I feel like we are getting some where, every time I get a glimpse of you putting forth effort to be a part of my life it ends up like this. It ends with me angry, frustrated and hurt because partying, drinking and golf are all so important you can't be bothered with me.
I imagine this out pour of aggression is some what shocking I assume you are not even quite sure what you did. So let me tell you specifically the straw that broke the camels back here. Your refusal to return a text or call Wednesday and Thursday until the afternoon resulted in a similar conversation. Where I asked that you just show me the common courtesy of a reply even if it was a can't talk now, call you tomorrow. Our conversation Friday night a continuation of you telling me how not committed you are to our relationship and that you wanted me to call you less. Do you have any idea how much "I am not your boyfriend" and you call me too much hurts me. Because last I checked, I was exclusively sleeping with and dating you, so to be told the opposite is pretty demoralizing. You like to say things that cut me the deepest, that play on my insecurities the most under the pretense that you are kidding. It is not a joke. I do not find it fun or funny that you tell me you are seeing other girls, or if you spend a holiday with me that wouldn't be fair to your other girlfriends. All fun and games to you until you eventually have taken the friendship we based this relationship on and have beaten it to death with your sarcasm and indifference.
You knew I had plans on Saturday that I wanted you to try and be apart of, you knew it was important to me. I understood your family coming into town and your need to find a costume for your office party at Steve's. A party you planned on getting so wasted you would actually stay the night there. So imagine my surprise when I awake to pictures of you in a costume that took about 45 seconds of effort and at a club. I feel pretty lied to about your intentions for the evening, but your arms thrown around some girl and a beer in your hand definitely made light of where I stand with you.
You couldn't be bothered to answer my call before your parents got to town, you couldn't respond to any of my texts before your little party but you sure found the time to get wasted with your friends. And this continues into today, instead of calling and talking to me this morning, or answering any of my text messages, you wait until I am so vehemently angry to tell me you are on the mother fucking golf course and you will call me when you leave.
At least you finally told me that, I have been waiting for that courteous text message for months.
You know I am trying to be patient, you know that I am willing to give you all the space you need to do whatever you want. You know that the only thing I require to feel happy and secure in our relationship is communication but you refuse. It's like something you hang on to ensuring you always have your way, the upper hand.
So here we are, I am finally done. I am finally sick of looking like the idiot girl who fell for a guy who actually couldn't careless about her. I am done being disrespected by you. Done looking for clues that you care about me instead of knowing.
And I am heartbroken. I am devastatingly crushed over this because I did fall for you. I overlooked your inability to be intimate because I loved everything about you, even your flawed often ill timed sense of humor. I was encouraged by your drive to be successful and your willingness to work hard. I love your confidence and the ease in which you carry yourself. I loved when you kissed me like you meant it because it was the greatest feeling in the world to be desired by you. I liked your jokes, taste in music, movies, love of sports, desire to be low key. The closeness of your family, your character, your respect of my parents and the effort you put forth with my friends and my daughter. I fell for the man that I know you are, the one that made me want to be the best possible version of myself because that is what I thought you deserved. I wanted to be a success in my own right, to carry myself in a manner of which you could be proud I was a significant part of your life, I even wanted to cook perfectly for you. I loved having sex with you and being physically close to you and I didn't mind that you hate to cuddle and I understand a need for alone time- I identified with those things. I wanted you to have everything you wanted out of life. But I can't be so neglected at this stage. I can't give you these pieces of me anymore because you don't cherish and respect them. I can't give that to someone who doesn't want me.
So this one is for real, I can't say no to you wanting to just be friends. I don't want to be friends, not right now. I am sure at some point I will. I will get over this too and then lunches and beers will be fine but right now, I am heartbroken. I found a person that I loved even their flaws and respected every single part of, a person that encompassed what I wanted in a partner and that person told me one too many times that I wasn't good enough.
I had to write it down and get it out because I can't articulate my feelings in conversation the way I can in writing and even though me telling you all of this is for my peace and my closure. Given the disregard you show me, I cannot help be know this isn't heart breaking to you. This isn't something you are going to lose sleep over or be devastated by because there are tons of girls out there who will give you the satisfaction of a couple weeks and you don't have to be emotionally vested in them. You don't have to think about a future or how they fit into your life. I know what you want is not me and that some waitress will fill the spot I have been holding for the last 6 months. I feel so stupid, I thought we were actually working. I thought we were getting some where these last few weeks.
I don't think I have ever loved someone so recklessly knowing the reality was, he felt nothing for me. Thanks for the dinners and the drinks, I really enjoyed getting to know you.
Goodbye, JFK.
I can't do this. I cannot be ignored and reduced to some one so insignificant you can't even be bothered to return a text message. To answer a phone call, or to communicate your plans.
You have gone to such great lengths to exclude me from almost every aspect of your life. Your friends, even mutual acquaintances have no clue you were in a relationship. You refuse to allow me to meet anyone important to you. You have me in my own compartment that is only accessed when it is convenient for you and it hurts.
This is probably the most rejected and unwelcome I have ever felt in some one's life and I can't do it anymore.
What I don't think you understand is that before you came along I had a very full life. I still have a very full life. I have an amazing daughter that between her social schedule and extra curricular activities keeps me very busy. I have a close nit loving family and the circle of friends I surround myself with are solid people, some of the most solid people you will ever have the pleasure of meeting. I am on a great career path and have proven myself resilient through the changes that has brought on and although the weakest portion of my life has always been financial stability, I have finally disciplined myself enough to be caught up and completely self sustainable in the next 30 days. I have a very full wonderful life and I MADE ROOM FOR YOU IN IT.
That's right I made room for you. You weren't filling some restless needy void. I was whole and healed when I met you. I was emotionally available and in a place that I could be open and vulnerable to you. I took care and caution in getting to know you. I took time to understand you as a person before bringing in the other facets of my life. I fell for you, I saw potential and knew that it would take patience and understanding to build something that could hopefully be lasting.
But this I can no longer do. I can no longer be told more times than not how I am NOT your girl friend. This is not a relationship. You are not "going to be good" when I am not around, you are going to do whatever you want to do with out any regard for my feelings. I no longer want to be reduced to the girl you answer when it is convenient, you schedule in if there isn't something better. I am not going to patiently await the moment you decide I am worth your time and affection. I cannot do this.
I cannot be with someone who wants to reduce me to something so disposable while I give more of myself every day.
I have gotten to know you, since February I have gotten to know different aspects of who you are as a person and I have loved and accepted every single one, until this. The part of you that refuses to treat me as something important in your life. The part of you that thrives on hurting my feelings under the pretense of a joke. I cannot be with a person who does not appreciate what I have to offer and does not respect me. You do not respect me. You do not even know how to show a person that you care for any type of affection or emotion.
We've finally gotten to my breaking point, this weekend was my breaking point. You tear me down, you chip away at my security and confidence in what I thought we had. Your priority is everything but me. And every time I feel like we are getting some where, every time I get a glimpse of you putting forth effort to be a part of my life it ends up like this. It ends with me angry, frustrated and hurt because partying, drinking and golf are all so important you can't be bothered with me.
I imagine this out pour of aggression is some what shocking I assume you are not even quite sure what you did. So let me tell you specifically the straw that broke the camels back here. Your refusal to return a text or call Wednesday and Thursday until the afternoon resulted in a similar conversation. Where I asked that you just show me the common courtesy of a reply even if it was a can't talk now, call you tomorrow. Our conversation Friday night a continuation of you telling me how not committed you are to our relationship and that you wanted me to call you less. Do you have any idea how much "I am not your boyfriend" and you call me too much hurts me. Because last I checked, I was exclusively sleeping with and dating you, so to be told the opposite is pretty demoralizing. You like to say things that cut me the deepest, that play on my insecurities the most under the pretense that you are kidding. It is not a joke. I do not find it fun or funny that you tell me you are seeing other girls, or if you spend a holiday with me that wouldn't be fair to your other girlfriends. All fun and games to you until you eventually have taken the friendship we based this relationship on and have beaten it to death with your sarcasm and indifference.
You knew I had plans on Saturday that I wanted you to try and be apart of, you knew it was important to me. I understood your family coming into town and your need to find a costume for your office party at Steve's. A party you planned on getting so wasted you would actually stay the night there. So imagine my surprise when I awake to pictures of you in a costume that took about 45 seconds of effort and at a club. I feel pretty lied to about your intentions for the evening, but your arms thrown around some girl and a beer in your hand definitely made light of where I stand with you.
You couldn't be bothered to answer my call before your parents got to town, you couldn't respond to any of my texts before your little party but you sure found the time to get wasted with your friends. And this continues into today, instead of calling and talking to me this morning, or answering any of my text messages, you wait until I am so vehemently angry to tell me you are on the mother fucking golf course and you will call me when you leave.
At least you finally told me that, I have been waiting for that courteous text message for months.
You know I am trying to be patient, you know that I am willing to give you all the space you need to do whatever you want. You know that the only thing I require to feel happy and secure in our relationship is communication but you refuse. It's like something you hang on to ensuring you always have your way, the upper hand.
So here we are, I am finally done. I am finally sick of looking like the idiot girl who fell for a guy who actually couldn't careless about her. I am done being disrespected by you. Done looking for clues that you care about me instead of knowing.
And I am heartbroken. I am devastatingly crushed over this because I did fall for you. I overlooked your inability to be intimate because I loved everything about you, even your flawed often ill timed sense of humor. I was encouraged by your drive to be successful and your willingness to work hard. I love your confidence and the ease in which you carry yourself. I loved when you kissed me like you meant it because it was the greatest feeling in the world to be desired by you. I liked your jokes, taste in music, movies, love of sports, desire to be low key. The closeness of your family, your character, your respect of my parents and the effort you put forth with my friends and my daughter. I fell for the man that I know you are, the one that made me want to be the best possible version of myself because that is what I thought you deserved. I wanted to be a success in my own right, to carry myself in a manner of which you could be proud I was a significant part of your life, I even wanted to cook perfectly for you. I loved having sex with you and being physically close to you and I didn't mind that you hate to cuddle and I understand a need for alone time- I identified with those things. I wanted you to have everything you wanted out of life. But I can't be so neglected at this stage. I can't give you these pieces of me anymore because you don't cherish and respect them. I can't give that to someone who doesn't want me.
So this one is for real, I can't say no to you wanting to just be friends. I don't want to be friends, not right now. I am sure at some point I will. I will get over this too and then lunches and beers will be fine but right now, I am heartbroken. I found a person that I loved even their flaws and respected every single part of, a person that encompassed what I wanted in a partner and that person told me one too many times that I wasn't good enough.
I had to write it down and get it out because I can't articulate my feelings in conversation the way I can in writing and even though me telling you all of this is for my peace and my closure. Given the disregard you show me, I cannot help be know this isn't heart breaking to you. This isn't something you are going to lose sleep over or be devastated by because there are tons of girls out there who will give you the satisfaction of a couple weeks and you don't have to be emotionally vested in them. You don't have to think about a future or how they fit into your life. I know what you want is not me and that some waitress will fill the spot I have been holding for the last 6 months. I feel so stupid, I thought we were actually working. I thought we were getting some where these last few weeks.
I don't think I have ever loved someone so recklessly knowing the reality was, he felt nothing for me. Thanks for the dinners and the drinks, I really enjoyed getting to know you.
Goodbye, JFK.
Sunday, October 7, 2012
The Suffering and Redemption
If you have kept up with this blog even remotely over the past few months, you know a few things:
1) I am head over heals for my boyfriend JFK.
2) He likes to live in a state of denial of the seriousness of our relationship.
3) I put up with his immaturity and occasional distance.
The last time we had a serious issue, I damn near killed him or more accurately it damn near killed us. He went off the grid without warning and I went ballistic. Every girl I know would have been upset- if the guy you've been dating for months just chooses not to call or answer texts for a day you're seeing red.
We eventually had a talk about it... It's been a month now and I don't know exactly what was said but I was faced with a decision. I either accept the fact that he is not quite ready to be in a serious relationship and these little outbursts of rebellion are going to happen from time to time OR I end it.
My roommate The Loric having listen to my outrage and rants about how done I was sort of saved the day with one simple revelation. "He's not ready for this level of commitment, no matter how much he wants to be ready, he's just not."
I know this, he has told me this. He is very upfront with how he thinks he is a shitty boyfriend because he wants to be selfish and this is the time in his life he really can be. He has blatantly told me that when it gets to be too much he pulls away. That every other girl he has tried to date has gotten too serious and through no real fault of their own, he ends it. He hates being the bad guy and he hasn't ever taken things as slowly as he is with me.
So September was kind of a rocky road, a lot happen he casually met my brother and my parents, stated spending time around my daughter and my couple best friends. He went off the grid and brought the "are we better as friends" card into the mix. He had a tough month at the office, I was out of work for half of it. Money was tight. We were frustrated and just hanging by a thread.
He admitted his mistake and acknowledged a change and I was not willing to let this be the end of us. Although, I realize for every two steps forward there seems to be a giant leap back. He just encompasses all I've ever wanted... So I am being patient or at least trying.
We just past the 5 month mark and it seems we've turned a corner in October. He is getting a little more use to being referred to as my boyfriend. We are make plans for future stuff, not far off future but Christmas parties have been a topic. I am giving him all the leeway I can stomach in his quest to be a balanced 25 year old. He has become slightly more communicative and his playful flirtatious nature is still intact.
I am in awe that I have spent the last FIVE whole months with him and that we are still seemingly moving forward. I am really happy and he seems pretty content as well. Even though the growing pains are many and more often than I am use to, we are figuring this out and it is so worth it.
1) I am head over heals for my boyfriend JFK.
2) He likes to live in a state of denial of the seriousness of our relationship.
3) I put up with his immaturity and occasional distance.
The last time we had a serious issue, I damn near killed him or more accurately it damn near killed us. He went off the grid without warning and I went ballistic. Every girl I know would have been upset- if the guy you've been dating for months just chooses not to call or answer texts for a day you're seeing red.
We eventually had a talk about it... It's been a month now and I don't know exactly what was said but I was faced with a decision. I either accept the fact that he is not quite ready to be in a serious relationship and these little outbursts of rebellion are going to happen from time to time OR I end it.
My roommate The Loric having listen to my outrage and rants about how done I was sort of saved the day with one simple revelation. "He's not ready for this level of commitment, no matter how much he wants to be ready, he's just not."
I know this, he has told me this. He is very upfront with how he thinks he is a shitty boyfriend because he wants to be selfish and this is the time in his life he really can be. He has blatantly told me that when it gets to be too much he pulls away. That every other girl he has tried to date has gotten too serious and through no real fault of their own, he ends it. He hates being the bad guy and he hasn't ever taken things as slowly as he is with me.
So September was kind of a rocky road, a lot happen he casually met my brother and my parents, stated spending time around my daughter and my couple best friends. He went off the grid and brought the "are we better as friends" card into the mix. He had a tough month at the office, I was out of work for half of it. Money was tight. We were frustrated and just hanging by a thread.
He admitted his mistake and acknowledged a change and I was not willing to let this be the end of us. Although, I realize for every two steps forward there seems to be a giant leap back. He just encompasses all I've ever wanted... So I am being patient or at least trying.
We just past the 5 month mark and it seems we've turned a corner in October. He is getting a little more use to being referred to as my boyfriend. We are make plans for future stuff, not far off future but Christmas parties have been a topic. I am giving him all the leeway I can stomach in his quest to be a balanced 25 year old. He has become slightly more communicative and his playful flirtatious nature is still intact.
I am in awe that I have spent the last FIVE whole months with him and that we are still seemingly moving forward. I am really happy and he seems pretty content as well. Even though the growing pains are many and more often than I am use to, we are figuring this out and it is so worth it.
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