The Break Up Day 2: No More Tears and The Stages of Grief

Good News: I am done crying. Yesterday I was just a tearful mess. A sad weeping heartbroken little girl. Do I strike you as a sad weeping heartbroken little girl? No! I have given birth for crying out loud, I am one tough cookie. So, I stopped crying. 

I was laying in bed bawling and I mean ugly crying myself to sleep and I literally said out loud get it out because this is the last time you will cry over this boy and this situation. It's over. I might just be a smidge on the crazy side for talking to myself out loud through my tears but it stirred something in me, something I needed, resolve. The resolve to get over this.

I could be sad over JFK for a long time. This relationship was my first real dive into dating since I gave up douche bags in early 2011. Honestly, it was fantastic. JFK is an amazing man. Our relationship had long term potential. We got each other in a way that is not usual. He understood me better than most of my closest friends. If I wrote down every detail of the kind of man I wanted to end up with, he was the walking manifest of that list. I absolutely adored everything about him. But sometimes things just end. 

I travel back and forth through The Stages of Grief when going through a break up. Sunday, I was Angry and sort of ended the night in Denial and Bargaining but woke up in Depression. I barely functioned yesterday because the Depression was thick but then came the actual Bargaining Stage- The residual break up conversations about if this is fixable.

We talked for what seemed like hours last night, starting as lighthearted normal conversation and going into my desire to go back to the way things were before I got mad and suggested we end this little love affair. He wasn't buying it. In his mind we are staving off the inevitable and he will just hurt me more in the long run. This is not worth saving or fixing to him, no matter how hurt he is that he has crushed me. So, I hung up mad (back in Anger) and crying (Depression).

I also hung up with the realization that I wasn't going to convince him he wanted this to work as much as I did. Even if I could convince him, I didn't want to. Who wants to have to convince someone they want a relationship? This isn't a sales pitch or a test of my abilities to persuade. This is a relationship, you either want it or you don't. Pick one and I will move forward accordingly. 

I think I may have actually said those very words, and he chose. He thanked me for not pushing it any further and being entitled to his choice, which was weird but knowing me, I can kind of drag things on until I get what I want, so he appreciated his god given right to choose. I was in tears as I hung up but it was clear. He was done and I am not desperate. 

Last night was my last cry. I mourned the loss of the person that had quickly grown to be one of my best friends. I miss him already and I know these next few weeks of adjusting to life without him are going to be difficult but my life is going great right now. I am in love with my job. The Monster is thriving in school and socially. I am on my own two feet financially and it feels amazing. I am just really on top of the world. JFK was the icing on the cake, I had a boyfriend I was just crazy about it was all a little too perfect. If the other shoe had to drop, I am glad it was this. Of all the things I have going for me right now, losing JFK is by far the most tolerable.

I really do think Kubler-Ross had the stages of grief correct, you go through all five but I don't believe there is an order, at least not in the beginning or maybe just not for me. I haven't cried while writing this and I am actually in a surprisingly good mood. I know it is going to take some discipline not to call him every time I think something I want to say but I can do it. I can push through this grief and come out solid on the other side. I learned a lot and I am thankful for the relationship. Silver lining: He wasn't a douche bag. I had one of the good ones. Maybe not forever, but long enough to know they are out there and I am not settling for anything less. He really was perfect for me, I guess I wish he felt the same about me.