I Knew You'd Say It First!

I have started sharing this blogsite with a few friends and family. Basically giving you an invitation into my head, to judge and laugh at my crazy. I have also shared every post with New Guy. He is really supportive of my writing and thinks it is a great thing for me to do. He loves hearing the way I process our relationship, at least so far. But today is the day I write my first post I do not intend to share with him. Kudos to me for never telling him how to look at this himself.

I keep referring to this constant pattern that my romantic relationships follow. This one is dangerously close to going from the exception to the rule. Last night New Guy said it, the dreaded thing that all guys I date say, way to soon before they can possibly mean it. He said it. I knew he would say it first. I don't think he even meant to say it. If my "Law and Order" knowledge is correct, technically this could be considered an "excited utterance" which would be admissible in court as a hearsay exception. Although I am not sure what part of drinking with me at the bar is a startling or shocking event.

I wish I had a picture of his face when those three little words rolled off his tongue. We were laughing and drinking beers and having an all around fantastic time together when he just blurts it out. Then his eyes get big with this deer in the headlights look and I think I am losing my mind.

Since date one, his joke has been to say, "you are going to say it first" whenever things are going really well between us. To which I adamantly respond, "Will Not." In this fog of, did I just hear that right? I ask "What did you say?" and he reluctantly replies "you heard me." So I throw my hands up like a football ref signalling a touchdown and yell "I knew you'd say it first!!!"

After the laughter dies down, I tell him it's ok, I know he has had too many beers to be held accountable for letting those three words fly. He comforts me with a line about not saying things he doesn't mean even when he's drunk. I appreciate that he is falling for me and would love to reciprocate these affections especially after the amount we have drank. But I have this sinking suspicion that this accidental outburst of feelings is going to do more damage than good. Without too much of a discussion we head to the house and go to sleep.

I want to break this pattern, I want to have a man tell me he loves me when he actually loves me. I think New Guy loves being around me. We are seemingly compatible so far but I cannot allow myself to be all consumed by the appealing prospect of being loved. So maybe it isn't that I have always found the wrong man, maybe its that I have not responded to them correctly.

I wake up this morning and the first thing I think of is how he really said it last night. Lying there I go over the pros and cons of if I should bring it up, offering him a chance to take it back. I decide against reliving last nights conversations in the harsh light of day (and sobriety). 

The choice to not over analyze the meaning of his loving declaration this early in the game is a new one. Maintaining focus on getting my life together, instead of inserting myself into his, is also new. So maybe we aren't so far into the destructive pattern that dooms us to failure.

So here I am 18 hours later with the knowledge that at least last night we were having a good enough time to extract an  "I Love You", out of him. Writing this all down, processing how I feel and evaluating my next step, might actually be working. I don't expect to hear those three little words for awhile, but know that if it is really how he feels he will say it again. When we've been dating longer than 12 days.

Ode to The Double Standard!

First I would like to dedicate this post to the New Guy, not only did he name it but he insisted it be written on the heels of "The Great Debate." Seeing as how last night I did EXACTLY what I had told him I would end things with him for doing. I went for beers with Hot Todd.


Let me paint this picture for you: I am pulling in the parking lot, on the phone with New Guy ranting about my ex-husband and needing a beer."I need to go, I'm an hour late to meet my friend Todd at Happy Hour." New Guy, paused and laughed, saying, "Is this Hot Todd? or another Todd?" Then it all comes flooding back to me, in a rush of fear and anxiety as I realize what I have done.


If I take you back to when, New Guy and I were talking about how my feelings would be hurt if he decided to go out with someone else. A little portion of that heated discussion went something like "Fine. If you decide to see someone else, I can guarantee I will do it. In fact, Hot Todd was texting me last night saying we should get together." His response was something like... "and that would be fine."


New Guy makes plans for Thursday night with his buddy, the guy he likes to play domestic partners with, although both completely heterosexual. It's the cooking classes and trading recipes that really gets people to question but they sure have fun drinking wine and making dinner together. So, I take this opportunity for cold beers with Hot Todd, not thinking of Hot Todd as Hot Todd, but as Funny Todd that I have known for 4 years. The moment I realized what I had done, I wanted to turn around and go home.


New guy swears up and down it is fine. Go have fun! Right. I wonder if he understands that by telling me it is ok to do the exact thing I would not want him to do, will not alleviate the issue of him actually doing it. And to make matters worse, should he ever decide to do this, I have no leg to stand on if (more like when) it upsets me. To add insult to injury, he adds that he will talk to me tomorrow, as opposed to later that night.


I really like New Guy, I don't want him to start forming interest in some one else. I don't want him putting effort into someone other than me. I don't want him to have dinner with his kids and parents with another girl. I want to see where this is going, without the added pressure of feeling like I have competition. I am scared that I have cracked open a door and if he chooses to let it swing open a little wider, the awesome relationship we are starting to build will be tainted. I want my mulligan! I need a do over...




Also, I wrote this little poem at about 4:30 the morning after.


O Double Standard, My Double Standard
How you have forsaken me.
Bringing confrontation and strife
And nothing real nice
To a relationship that is yet to be.


The standard I made, This standard I set
Something by which I did not abide.
Leaving me to sit here in fear
Of what could be near
Should equality choose to arrive.

The Great Debate On If We Should Date!

I am selfish. I can admit that I do not like to share, and I really don't like to share men. So from first kiss on, I am pretty much expecting to be the only women consuming a man's free time. This is not necessarily a realistic expectation, regardless it is mine. So on Day 7 of the new guy I decide to tell him about this... This was a HUGE mistake and spawned The Great Debate on If We Should Date!


The way this all got started was Facebook... O Sweet Relationship Devil Facebook how you taunt me. So I post this hilarious little ditty on New Guy's wall referencing our plans to "stay in tonight." He deletes this post and calls me. He says something about work people on his FB and not wanting to broadcast his personal life, that his posts were usually intended to be light hearted and funny not to personal. He knows this bothers me but I fake a smile and we hang up.


The little gears in my head are spinning into an over analytical paranoid haze. This simple act and explanation is consuming me. My thought is, you don't care about work, there is some one else on your FB that you don't want to have to explain yourself too. This could be the Crazy Ex that has yet to enter the picture although I am sure she exists, or the last long term girlfriend you are still "friends" with, but it isn't work. So in an effort to fully disclose where I am at, I call him back and the conversation goes something like this:


Me: "Hey! New Guy, that bothers me more than I thought it would"
New Guy: "Ok, Let's talk about it."
Me: "You are very possibly telling me the truth about your reasons behind deleting my post, but this is one of those situations where I don't believe you. Regardless, I want you to know something about me."
New Guy: (Really Hesitant) "Okaaaay..."
Me: " I know my insecurities and where they are derived from; one of the major ones is not wanting to be one of a few girls you are "seeing." I want to be with a guy who understands the mass amount of deception and manipulation I have endured over the past few years and will not feed these insecurities. Basically, if you decide for whatever reason you want to go out with someone else, then you have also made the decision you do not want to go out with me."
New Guy: "I need to process this, let's talk more about it later."
Me: "Ok."


Later that Day....


New Guy: "So I've processed and I don't think it is fair for you to ask for an exclusive commitment after a week. I am not prepared to tell you that I wont see other people."
Me: "Honey, I am not asking for a commitment, I am just telling you what will happen if you do decide to see other people."
NG: "But that is completely unfair to put that ultimatum out there. I get why you are doing it and I understand that you are just trying to protect yourself  but it just seems like an outlandish request."
Me:  "Aren't I suppose to be protecting myself, I am right out of crazy relationship. You know I am dealing and healing as well as trying to get to know a build something with you. But if you want to take the chance and get to know someone else, then I don't want to continue with you."
NG: "I really like you, and I am not actively pursuing anyone else, and in 90 Days, if you want to have this conversation and decide if we are going to date, I can do that, but not after a week."
Me: "Ok I am not telling you that you are tied to me, I am not telling you not to go, if you want to go out with someone else, just know that I no longer will want to go out with you."
NG: "I have a headache, come over for dinner later, we can talk about this more then."


That evening... Dinner was great he declined to talk about it when I brought it up while drinking wine over the fire. That was a really nice moment and a great conversation about our upbringings ensued instead. After I am several glasses in and the PG-13 makeout session has commenced, he decides we need to talk about this elephant in the room. Great.


We get into it still disagreeing and he makes some comment about wasting my time, if I put this on him, because he cannot say he wont have drinks or lunch or something with someone else. I say fine, it gets to me leaving and him saying so I guess this is it at the door and I stop. I say you know what, we have planned this night for 2 days and I have had more than a bottle of wine. I am not driving home and we are going to talk about this tomorrow, in the light of day when I am sober. He protests, saying it isn't a good idea and then his phone vibrates behind me. A text from the most recent ex. He says they started out as friends and have now ended up as friends. I don't have the energy to care. We go to bed.


The next day the issue is unresolved so doing what I do best I write him an email. I address my concern with the ex texting and the suspicious time line of him thinking it was best I go. Feeds right into my theory over the deleted fb post. I tell him I like him and I want to see where this goes so I will take what he refers to as my ultimatum off the table.


So here is the question: Am I an idiot? Or is my gut about the ex a product of the 'love of my life' having a girlfriend in another state or Mr. Taco breaking up with me to take back his Glenn Close ex-girlfriend? It really has only been a week, I regret bringing it up, should this bother me at all?

The 90 Day Rule!

Ladies, we are ruining the few good men that are still out there. Yes, I think it is time we take at least partial responsibility for our own heartache over the opposite sex. We want to be in love. No matter what you say, you do. You are a creature designed for companionship and sometimes the quickest easiest way to feel this connection we are animalisticly (I think I just made that word up) designed to want is physical intimacy. Yep. I'm about to talk about sex and how we have all turned into a bunch sluts.


For as long as I can remember girls have been complaining about the double standard of men and women in sexual promiscuity. "If a guy gets a bj in the parking lot he is rewarded with hi-fives if a girl is giving the bj she is a dirty whore." (I kind of think she is a dirty whore for giving a guy a bj in a parking lot but you get the point.) So some where along the way we, women decided, effe this male dominated stereotype. If I want to have sex just for the pleasure it brings, I am going to do it.


Well honey, this mentality that even I can admit to supporting at certain times in my life is why when you meet a seemingly nice guy and want to get to know him, he is looking to capitalize on the soonest moment he can get you into bed. Sometimes the combination of great conversation, wine and sexual chemistry will lead you straight to the "I've never done anything like this before" speech and sometimes it is a complete turn off he is even trying so soon.


So in my most recent dive into dating, the new guy and I drink a little too much and end up in the same bed. Both fully clothed because at the first sexual innuendo on probably the second date I said, "O honey, that's funny but you've got a 90 day waiting period on your hands." Knowing this he even states, "if you stay here I wont try anything I just want to snuggle." A grown man using the word snuggle makes me gag, but I digress.


Sleeping in the same bed with someone who is interested in you can be nice but regardless of the ground rules already made you still have to play defense all night. I've got hands up shirt headed for my right boob, one down my pants groping my ass, o now the left boob, not the panties, and so on... Where do all these freaking hands come from and how are they moving so fast. Where is this insane hand jive ability when the dishes need to be done, buddy! And how, no matter what, am I one step behind on thwarting him off? Why? Is he doing this, this is a nice guy! O wait... I know why... because he has heard before, "I don't sleep with guys I am just getting to know" and then some hoochy with just enough alcohol and a whole lot of hormones says to herself screw it. This is going to be fun! By doing this YOU ARE RUINING THESE MEN! They no longer take you at your word, knowing the likelihood is you will give it up anyway and the speech was just to save face.


I know, this isn't all your fault and I myself have contributed to the lack of respect a guy has for a female in his bed. I mean after all you are there. You did get in the bed. What is he suppose to think... I guess I just needed to bitch about the problem I helped create and I obviously have a lot of built up sexual tension since we are only on day 6 with the new guy, this seemed like the way to do it.


I just want to wait until I know him well enough to be comfortable, and that he is really into just me. If he is having sex with me, he is sure as hell not doing it with anyone else. But I hate the feeling that by holding out, it is going to push him to find a little tramp to pass the time. Just like women, men seek that same companionship the same moment of feel good pleasure a little night of passion (or sloppy sex) can bring.

Same Trap!

Have you ever read the book The Secret? It is all about the law of attraction, that whatever you put out into the universe with your words and thoughts will be brought to you. I am not sure how I feel about this whole "secret" but what I do know is there has to be some merit to it, I mean Oprah read it.

I bring this up because I feel like my love life is just a series of Deja Vu moments. Maybe I am putting out some sort of vibe to the universe to warrant these failed relationships. For instance, we all know that Mr. Taco (or Mr. MexicanFood if you prefer) fell in and out of love with me in the course of let's say 3 weeks. This 'zero to common-law' relationship ended last week late Wednesday. So it should be no surprise that on Tuesday, six whole days later, I would run into an old acquaintance at the bar.

This acquaintance and I have some mutual frienemies. We discuss them over a beer and I leave. Now maybe it was my fault adding him on facebook when I got home but I did add the other guy I was sitting with at the bar too. So, I SWEAR, I was not thinking anything of it when I sent him a request to join the ranks of the other 654 "friends" who know my every move through this brilliant social networking website. Apparently, he did not take it that way... So let's see, does this man fit the pattern? Older? Check but only by 12ish years. Successful? Check but works for 'the man' so it isn't multi-millionaire to my knowledge. Crazy Ex? Most Likely but unconfirmed. Children? Check. So we are still sticking to, but veering slightly away from the standard.

I don't feel like this is Mr. Toilet 3.0 but I do still see enough of a similarity to pause. I mean the body of Mr. Taco isn't even cold yet! I've already had a lunch date with the kids! (What Am I Doing?) Did I mention his son is in my daughter's class? Yes, that's right a whole new fire danger! Kids are already friends and this guy is interested. O boy is he interested so I took a new approach, or rather an old approach I stole from a FWB back in '07. I gave him The Don't Fall In Love with Me Speech.

The 2007 version of the Don't Fall In Love with Me Speech went something like:

I am in no mood for an actual committed relationship, my girl friends will always come before you, and as soon as this ceases to be fun for me I am done. Basically, no emotions you are just occupying any free time I may have.

The 2011 speech was more:

I am not at a place in my life to have the kind of relationship I ultimately want to end up in. You and I can take things slow and get to know each other but I am not going to jump in with both feet and have the few pieces of my heart still intact chipped away at by you. So please understand that I am so flattered you like me and I like you too... but only a little bit.

So I guess we shall see how good I am at sticking to my own rules, because as always "I really like this new guy!"

Time to Blog

I want to start a blog but not one of those ‘my life is that of a Disney Princess’ blog. More of a ‘my life is ridiculous and a touch out of control so maybe if I put it in writing I can gain a little perspective’ kind of blogs.

Don’t get me wrong I like my little world. I love my champagne drinking best friends and my hilarious little girl. I find humor in my laughable love life and my awesome family.
I think it is time I write things down. Get'em out there, think about it, have you laugh with (or at) me. It is time to blog.

The past several years have yielded some pretty unbelievable stories but what finally prompted the need for a little talk therapy (I totally just googled the Psychology of Blogging- more on that later) would be my most recent love interest. The Horrific Tale of Mr. MexicanFood. We will call him that as an attempt disguise his identity so as not to get me sued or stalked (again).

Mr. MexicanFood had all the makings of a standard disastrous relationship for me. By all accounts I date a very specific type: Older (like 15ish years), Successful (generally owning your own company), Divorced (with a crazy ex- that may not be your wife), and a Parent (no negative connotations there). Basically if you are a middle aged, narcissistic, a-hole, business owner in the greater Tulsa area I am probably the girl of your dreams for at least 3 weeks.

Mr. MexicanFood fit the criteria to a T. So why would I continue the same idiotic relationship that I have failed at with Mr. Jewelry, Mr. Concrete, Mr. Toilets, Mr. Cowboy, Mr. Electricity, and now Mr. MexicanFood. I do not know… That is why I am here, blogging.

All starts out the same… Boy meets Girl, Boy loves Girl and yes, I mean love. I get these idiots falling so fast my head spins at how quickly we are naming babies. Once, I am convinced they love me, because they are usually telling me so frequently, I allow myself to become consumed with their life. I sort of leave mine in whatever stage of disarray it was in and become their “personal assistant”. Making every moment of every day as simple as possible… It’s like I think Super Mom is a real job. We can thank Mr. Toilet for really honing in on this talent. Then something happens… It’s too much to quick, a crazy ex makes our lives so hellish that their crazy becomes my crazy, or they just decide to start sleeping with someone new. Regardless of how, most likely a combination of all three, it ends just as quickly as it began and I am heartbroken and dumbfounded that I have allowed this to happen to me…. AGAIN!
Well not with Mr. MexicanFood, the moment my phone rang at 11pm on a Wednesday night after several hours of uncharacteristic radio silence and the words “I haven’t been completely honest with you…” came out of his mouth. I didn’t think ‘wow, why is the happening to me?’ I thought ‘Damn. I saw this coming!’ I knew it! I knew it! I TOTALLY KNEW IT!!! I knew it was happening… it was time for him to fess up to the lies and the other girlfriend. I wasn’t surprised. I was calm. I’ve been here before… a few times and it wasn’t anger or sadness it was alright, I am going back to bed now. Thanks for waking me for this… I will address my feelings later.

When I look at it I am more mad at myself for reliving this cycle of codependency than I am that this guy lied, cheated, and broke up with me. I'm mad at me for being in this situation. There is no use in blaming him. This is my pattern of behavior. I am the one who has to stop choosing this kind of man to allow into my heart... Now, how do I go about that?...