IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY....

Sing it with me now!... "IT CAN'T BE THAT BAAAAAAADDD."

I couldn't sleep last night... I was laying in bed trying to think through all the stuff going on in life... 

The real exciting stuff: 

Debt Consolidation.

Success at Work.

Hitting My Sales Goals.

Projects Flowing Smoothly. 

Existential Dread. 

The Sunday Scaries turned into Monday Insomnia. 

House Plans. 

Longterm Goals. 

Workout Plans. 

Meals for the Week. 

Thinking through what I would I do if I could do anything I wanted... What would my dream life look like? 

I have asked other people this question to try to better understand them. To get a glimpse of someone's hopes, dreams, interests, desire, motivations. But I am not sure I have ever actually asked myself. 

What would I do if I could do anything?

The answer is kind of lame... I would probably own a Boutique of some kind. Stay focused on health and wellness. Macros and fitness. Travel more. Flip furniture and go thrifting. Sell my treasures. Be a writer, tell stories, keep up with this blog. Share on social media, start an online eCommerce brand. 

When I think about what makes me happy, and who I would be if I could manage to be the best version of myself consistently. Every day. What would I be able to accomplish? 

I started this year wanting to do Dry January... I made it like 6 days. I then drank 21/29 days in February. I am about to hit my first day without Booze in March today... because its Monday 3/4. I drank 5 days in a row this last week. 

And here is a honest look at my drinking: 

Wednesday, Hockey Game in the Suite: 4:30pm Pregame 2 Espresso Martini's, a whiteclaw and a vodka soda before we leave for the 7p game. At the game Ultra, two Vodka Sodas, another Ultra = 8 cocktails

Thursday night was a wine tasting:

A White Claw and 1 glass of wine preparty

6 1 ounce pours which is about a glass, extra wine left over 2 more glasses, glass at Bird after, home to make dinner, two more glasses = 7 glasses of wine (4 is a bottle) and a white claw

Friday HH a carafe of wine which I think is 3 glasses. Home to porch party, 2 espresso martinis, 2 glasses of bubbles, red wine 3 glasses = 8 glasses of wine (2 bottles) and two cocktails

Saturday I cleaned the house all day... I worked on everything... Then at 3:00 I popped a bottle of champs and got into Mimosas (3) Chris came home from golf and made an espresso martini, so I had one here, then one at our friends, then a high noon. Two margaritas at dinner, 2 old fashions and two vodka sodas after dinner = 12 drinks 

Sunday hungover... or at least as hungover as someone like me gets... two mimosas, espresso martini, 3 vodka sodas, a red bull and vodka, a Paloma, a Vizzy, two glasses or wine = 11 drinks

So two sober days... and then 49 alcoholic beverages later... And to think... I have not even called this a problem yet, 

Lets look at my sober days: I hit my food macros, I worked out at PLNK one day and got a walk in the other. I read a book before bed two nights in a row. My skincare got done. I felt less bloated, less foggy. More reset and ready... Sober Sunday, Monday and Tuesday were really productive and happy days. 

The alcohol tolerance I have built since I was 16 years old with very few long term breaks have made it to where a week with this many cocktails doesn't even really set me back. I still wake up. I still workout, I get to work and get stuff done. I drank more than 6000 calories when you factor in the couple of Mambo Taxis on Saturday Night. That is roughly HALF of the calories I should be eating in a week. There goes my deficit. I am hurt so I am not lifting. I need a new gym because I finally got fed up with getting hurt and the mean girls at my old one. 

I am just not who I want to be... My ADHD is not being treated like it should because my meds are working to offset the alcohol imbalance from drinking not fix my real issues. I am gaining weight, unmotivated, and sick of my own shit... 

So Why am I still drinking?  I don't know what your definition of alcoholic is but mine has always been someone who can't miss a day, who drinks in the morning, or to get through the day. That throws up and has massive hangovers that keep them from functioning. I am none of those things. I function well. 

But we can all agree my alcohol consumption is definitely Alcohol Abuse. I am not having one glass of wine at a tasting, I am having several before during and after. It isn't a cocktail to relax after work its six but lets be clear I don't even feel 1,2, and 3. It takes that many to get me where I have any kind of noticeable affect. 

So what would my life look like if I didn't drink? Well for one... I would miss it. The great wine with a perfect dinner. Opening a bottle on a Friday with my love over a Dominos Pizza. I would miss Happy Hour catching up with my best friend... Not sure how Chris would even manage it... He doesn't drink like I do, unless he is drinking with me. But he has a chill mode... He can have a singular Bourbon and be good. Or one glass of wine not a bottle. He can have two glasses and not need to open another bottle for a 3rd. I do not... 

The whole Sober Curious movement is a thing... I have several friends adjacent, not like my good friends, but people I know who have given up drinking. Celebrating milestones and loving how they feel. 

What would I be like, would I be more focused? Would I read all the books I want to read? My diet and workouts would be way more beneficial. Would I build the dream business? Would my moodiness and seasonal depression decline? Would I run more consistently? See massively positive changes that make it all worth it? Yes. I am 100% sure I would... 

So why am I so entrenched in this habit. So hell bent on keeping myself in this really unhealthy cycle that is now taking its toll on my mental health. So many things I can think of to do but even writing this, a White Claw with my best friend after 5 days of drinking would be hard to say no too. So what is my plan? What do I want the most? 

How much discomfort am I willing to put myself through to reach long term health, wealth, wellness, and success goals? Will I live this life... that is good. It is a good life. I have a very nice life... OR will I strive for an extraordinary one? 

I HAVEN'T WRITTEN

 I HAVEN'T WRITTEN HERE IN SO LONG I kind of forgot what this blog was all about... That's not entirely true... It was an online diary of heartbreak and hopefulness. I have written (inconsistently) for the last 15 years. 

In that time, I have dated, fallen in like, in lust, and in love. I have gotten married and swiftly divorced. I have lived with a sex addict and tried to fix him with unconditional acceptance and therapy - neither worked. I have been abused, emotionally, mentally, and physically. I took over a year off dating and worked on my codependent attachment issues and healing. That "season of solitude" was the hardest, greatest gift I ever gave myself... which led me here. 

Healthy. Happy. Stable. And in my FOREVER Relationship. 

So why write now? What do I have to share? 

I really don't know... It has been on my heart to write on this blog again. To give new perspective to old pain and maybe share a little wisdom that came with lessons learned the hard way, and age. Now seems good because my daughter is in college, secure in her self worth and my dating stories will be less embarrassing to her now than as a teenager. 

Maybe because I want to talk to the lost girl desperately trying to find a way to give love but doing it in all the wrong ways to all the wrong people and let her know... This is something you can change. This is something you can overcome just like you have every heartbreaking romance since you were 16. I want to let her know there is a way to heal, to become who you want to be, to find love everywhere in your life that is NOT a romantic relationship and when you do... The good stuff isn't far behind. 

That Forever Relationship I mentioned, it is real. We are actually as happy in real life as we look on Instagram. We communicate well, we love and support, and forgive. We are patient with each other, and a team above all else. We share a life and we love every minute of it... well most minutes because after all we are human. But this person, he is really it for me and he has seen me, known me, and loves all the pieces of me. Even the broken ones I still consistently work at putting back together. 

I think now I want to write from a place of understanding that it took a lot of work to get to a place where I was ready for the love I was looking for... I stopped looking, because I had always had it. That love was always in me. And I am confident, it is in you too.