What I Have To Give

A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO I MADE A LIST. I wrote a blog detailing what I wanted in "My Person". It was ridiculously detailed and can be found HERE. The picture I paint of the man I want to be with is precise. From height to, interests, religious views, family dynamic, how I want them to make me feel. It is raw and well thought out. Probably a little overwhelming when shared with a man trying to determine if he meets this criteria I created. But it really is the desires of my heart expressed as eloquently as I can, with my gift of so many words.  

But today... In my morning reading and processing of all my thoughts and feelings; which can be a lot. I realized I have not set out, in writing, with the same detail and thoughtfulness WHO I WILL BE to another person. I looked at this like, here is what I want and I know I will be a good match for this kind of man... But Today. I want to give this some intention. I want to highlight my goals, what is valuable to me, the desires of the heart that I want to bring to the table. Let's look at this from the other side. Let's give some purpose to, who I will be, to this man I am seeking. 

I will be a faith-filled partner. I will seek God first wholeheartedly every single day. I will give priority to my relationship with Jesus. I will spend my mornings in prayer, meditation, and devotionals. I say, "I will" but this is something I already do. This is a habit I have cultivated. I will continue to be a student of the Lord. A worthy partner in prayer and I will seek God alongside you, continually renewing my mind and transforming my spirit every day. 

I will be a nurturer and a mother. Not only will I continue to work hard at having a healthy relationship with my daughter but I will cultivate relationships with your children as well. I will be respectful of their mother and understand my place as a bonus member of their family. I will step into whatever role is asked of me in blending a family. 

I will work, hard and always. I will never rely on you to solely support me or my family. I will use my gifts and talents to create an income and I will contribute. Whether it is a traditional 9-5, or through my consulting company and personal opportunities. Or as I launch this blog, platform, and eventual book for real. I will contribute, and I will be irrationally generous with the abundance provided to me, to us. 

I will be a team player. I will prioritize the health and wellbeing of our family as a whole. I will love, and serve, being an example of submissive servitude because I want to be with a leader. I desire to have a protector, provider, leader of the household and I will support that equally. 

I know... that sounds super old fashioned from a woman that has been single the majority of her adult life. I have made decisions, raised a daughter, battled through a whole heck of a lot all by myself. I have proven I am absolutely capable of anything. I can lead. I will lead. I don't want to have to be that at home... You will know I am more than capable of pretty much anything I want, all by myself. But you will feel empowered everyday to be our leader. 

I will be the most fun you have ever had in your life. I will stay adventurous and seeking new experiences. I will be up for anything and down for whatever. You will have a best friend in me. Want to golf Sunday, I'm in. Feel like spending 8 hours on the couch watching football, done. Concert night and dancing, sign me up! Steak dinner and an over priced bottle of wine, yes please. Night in the middle of the woods by a fire, 100%. I want to go and do and experience everything this beautiful life has to offer with you. 

I will continue to work on myself. To identify strengths and weaknesses. I will be a good steward of the gifts I have been given. I will never stop learning. I will always be growing and working to be the very best version of myself. I can promise the person you are getting is better than anyone before you has ever gotten. That will be true forever. 

I will prioritize my health. Physically I will stay in the gym and make sure I am challenging myself to be the strongest I can. I will be mindful of my heart, literally. So that I can be on this planet as long as possible with you. I will stay mindful of my medical conditions. Follow up on doctors visits, actively fight any obstacle placed before me. I will not get wrapped up in complacency now that I have you but I will be better for it. And I will push you in the same way... to do the same. To stay on track and on target so we are both as able bodied as possible. 

My spiritual health already comes first, but my mental health and growth will stay top of mind as well. When I see the deep dark scary place on the horizon. I will not shut down. I will lean into you. I will let you see my brokenness trusting, in my weakest moments, you will be our strength. I will do my best to be the same for you. 

I will cherish the intimacy and vulnerability between us. I will do my best to lead with love in all situations. I will not take the secrets that you intrust in me and use them against you. I will not weaponize your vulnerability or withhold affection as a form of manipulation. I will be aware of the health of our relationship and work diligently at maintaining our connection long term. I will water the grass on this side of the fence always. 

You will have no need to question my faithfulness, loyalty, or steadfastness. I will be the Proverbs 31 woman - a wife of noble character. You will have "full confidence" in me. I will "bring [you] good and not harm, all the days of [my] life." I will "work with eager hands" I will "get up while it is still dark; [providing] food for our family and portions for those we serve." I will "set about [my] work vigorously; arms strong for my tasks." I will "open [my] arms to the poor and extend hands to the needy." I will make it a goal to be "clothed in strength and dignity; to laugh at the days to come." "To speak with wisdom, and faithful instruction." I will "watch over the affairs of the household, and not eat the bread of idleness." I will fear the Lord. 

You see, I won't value things the way the world does. I will not forget the lessons I have learned the hard way. I will not bring past pain to you to heal. I will seek to do the work on myself so you are getting the very best version of me. I have finally found the kind of woman I truly want to be. 

I might cuss too much, and you may have to watch me on whisky drinkin' nights. I might tell stories of lovers past that make you uncomfortable, but I do it so I can connect with other women. The generation that comes behind me navigating the heartbreaking world of dating. I will never try to hurt you or stir up jealousy. I will ensure that you feel loved and chosen every single day. 

I will maintain my independence and my friendships. I will never put the burden of my happiness on you. But just like Ruth, "Do not urge me to leave you or turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if anything but death separates you and me."

I will probably always be a walking contradiction of simple and high maintenance; of over the top and super chill. But trust me, I know how to find contentment on my own and will just seek to be your partner. I hope you are as self aware and open to communication as I am because I see what I bring to the table and want to be "equally yoked" with someone long term. 

Also, I think I accidentally may have written some wedding vows here. So, Man I am currently giving my time an attention to, don't freak out when/if you see this... I may or may not be for you. That is yet to be determined. But I won't push you or change you or try to rush anything I will learn you. If we seamlessly fit together and this is my longterm... then I hope you feel as lucky as me to find what you have always been looking for... and if I am not your woman... well I hope you feel loved, and cared for in the time we are together.

A Season of Solitude

I HAVE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE IN PURSUIT OF A RELATIONSHIP. I wish this was an exaggeration but it is not. 

A little boy taught me how to tie my shoes when I was two at Miss Helens Nursery and Dance School back in 1985. I think my first diary entry when I could write was somewhere around 6 years old and at that time, Adam Granis "didn't know I was even alive." I had a crush on the same boy from Kindergarten until I was probably damn near 30. 

My first kiss was an older boy from church who I had pined after since he caught me running down a way too steep incline at a church retreat in 1994. In 1998 when I was a sophomore and he was a senior in high school; I was his little brother's date to a winter formal. There, he asked me to dance, and gave me my first real kiss. 

My mom still laughs about when I was "too young to date" as a freshman in high school, what seemed like the entire baseball team came to pick me up to take me to the fair. I wasn't allowed to date; but I was always good with working the system to my advantage.

I have gone from relationship, to crush, or pursuit of relationship my entire life. 

If I am honest with myself, the 20s when I was basically single raising Maddie; I was always dating someone. There has been a man interested in me or me in him at every moment of my life from what seems like infancy to now. 

As I reluctant as I have been to embrace the months of healing and singleness post The Handyman aka the Most Toxic Relationship of My Life (and that is saying something). I can see how I have slowly become more and more in-tune with the necessity of solitude in healing. 

I pretty firmly believe you cannot get under one to get over another, no matter how much I tried in my 20s. You cannot simply replace the object of your affection with a new version when you have felt the sting of rejection. You cannot heal the wounds of lovers past by pouring yourself into someone new; no matter how good those attachment hormones feel in the beginning. 

You CANNOT become who you are supposed to be without some sort of season of solitude in self reflection. Or maybe more accurately - I CANNOT. 

I cannot keep repeating the patterns that you can literally read the last 12 years of in this blog; and expect a different result. But this season of solitude I am finally embracing - it is for more. 

One of the main focuses of 2021 for me has been to reduce my alcohol consumption; increase my time in devotionals, scripture, and prayer; fill my mind with positive and affirming ideas that motivate, challenge, and encourage me - less TV more books; and be the strongest version of myself physically, comfortable in my own skin for the long term. 

I am proud to say I am actually in a rhythm with this. The reduction in drinking has really cleared my mind and made a 5:30am wake up time routine. 

I start my day in the Word which is a habit of mine very few know anything about. I have watched my mother sit at the kitchen table for as long as I can remember spending hours pouring over the Bible and in prayer for friends and family. This has become such a routine; I swear Jesus hears my little momma first in his line of requests on a daily basis.  

A few scriptures that have encouraged me to keep this momentum going are Proverbs 31:15 "She gets up while it is still dark" and Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

The other scriptures that have really spoken to me about this Season of Solitude have been in my studies of Jesus himself. When he went off into the wilderness to pray for 40 days and 40 nights before he was crucified. He had his own "season of solitude" wrestling with the task before him. The great sacrifice he was called to make.

How important is the Season of Solitude when being called into my next chapter of life? In my mind it is INSANELY important and for the first time EVER I am willing to embrace it. In fact, I am ready for it. 

Relationships are exhausting and for me; the last one was particularly traumatic. Although I tried with all my might to let my usual routine of avoidance walk me through the hard parts; this one I couldn't. I had to face it. I had to face the violence, the lies, the literal Psychopath that slept next to me for months. The man who stole from me, and abused me. He emotionally tortured me, and he enjoyed it. He went so far as to compliment me "emotional abuse looks good on you" referencing my dramatic weight loss; heavily encouraged (demanded) by him. 

When I went into my old patterns, finding someone new that I liked more than him to take my mind off him; some one new to build something with - I don't even do this intentionally. I actually convince myself I am over it; and then begin the process of stepping back out there after a few days or weeks of mourning. I even try to remain friends with exes as I move on, like I am proving to them (and myself) that I am ok with whatever transpired. 

This time - I was broken. For real broken. I no longer trusted myself; let alone anyone else. I no longer could believe what my intuition was telling me about another person's intentions or the motives behind actions. This one shattered me. It wasn't what he did to me; all though that was horrific. It was what I DID TO MYSELF. I stayed. I came back. I feel for the cycle of abuse, the alienation of affection that pushed me to make changes to earn the lavish love I was once shown back; followed by the damage of trusts and promises to change from him. 

He showed me just enough good, just enough potential, just enough of what he knew I wanted - and I stayed. 

The ending made me stronger. I stood up to him in a way that will help any other girl faced with his temper, and abuse escape - when she is ready. But also, I learned a whole lot more about me. 

This time, the men I met on apps or through friends they weren't appealing to me. And the one, who was... was mature enough to let me know He wasn't ready and in turn, I realized how not ready I am too. 

I played with the idea of finding someone, I gripped tightly to Scott Who'snotinlovewithme for affection and to fill the gap. I went on dates, I had conversations... I TRIED to do things the same old way. I TRIED. Trust me. I battled this tooth and nail for as long as I could... and then... Finally, I gave in. 

This is it: This is my Season of Solitude. The time to really focus on the desires of my heart and what I want moving forward. To build the entrepreneurial business of my dreams, to start the new blog, podcast, and Facebook Group; to dedicate 2 hours of my morning to time with God and myself. To be intentional with prayer and manifestation. To be healthy physically and spend several hours of my week running, in yoga, and lifting weights. This is the last 6 months of having a child. In June she is officially an adult; headed off to college. This is the season that I focus on what I will do with my time when it isn't spent being a mom 7 days a week. 

I deeply desire a life partner. You know that, that has not changed. I would give just about anything to slap Scott Who'snotinlovewithme into the realm of understanding how utterly perfect we would be together. I want the man of my dreams I articulated in detail years ago on this very blog. I yearn for him; whoever he maybe. My soul aches for this person who is meant to be my partner in life. I would do anything to meet him, and I have. I have tried everything... But ONE.

Not looking. Working solely on me. Becoming the Woman I was called to be outside of any man. Building the empire I want... All on my own. Not with someone else carrying weight. This is the time that I let God, the Universe, whatever higher power you believe in; this is the time that I let Him do what needs to be done in me. I am in a season of preparation for the next great thing. Whether it is a business venture, or personal adventures I am not sure - I would bet a bit of both. 

I am ushering it in. I am a magnet for all the good things God is wanting to do in my life. And I am going to document this in many ways as I push forward in 2021.

I have my prayer journal, which contains scriptures, gratitudes, and affirmations. I have a workout and food journal holding me accountable to my health and fitness goals. I have a handful of girlfriends who are listening to my stories and watching me wrestle reluctantly into this season of solitude when I would much rather have a hot cowboy taking me to two step. I am keeping a calendar of alcohol consumption to be sure I am breaking the generational dependency on booze as a form of self medication. I deleted the apps that I turn to in moments of boredom, mindlessly swiping left and right looking for connections that will not fulfill the desires of my heart. I am finally, finally doing this thing. 

I guess I have been for a while but now, I am doing it intentionally. 

I literally cannot wait to see what is in store for me this year. 2021 although not perfect by any stretch, full of spinning plates in the air; its already such a peaceful fulfilling year for me. 

I hope it is for you too.