I've Met HIM, I Have Really Met Him, Well... I Haven't Actually Met Him Yet.

I PROBABLY OWE YOU SOME CLOSURE on the Fireman... Turns out, not the love of my life. But it was an eye opening few weeks. He is a good one. One of the very few good ones and I think I placed so much emphasis on how important that is for me moving forward in relationships that I forgot, we should probably be compatible too. 

Well we aren't. He was all netflix and chill, dinners in, working out, and a three beer max. I think we would have continued having fun doing things we both enjoyed. But long term, it wasn't there. He knew it. I knew it but would have let it drag on longer but it was never going to work. I am A LOT for someone. A whole heck of a lot. I like to go, go, go. You gotta keep up.... He will be a good friend some day. 

So back into the world of online dating I went. Swiping right, getting matches, witty banter, see what sticks, who jumps out, and there he was... my newest interest. 

I almost missed it. I had gone on a few dates with someone else, nice guy. Not sure how I felt about him... He was still online, so I was too.

But I read this and it stops me:

46/Travel Director/Meeting Planner at Self Employed. Traveler, Love the mountains as much as the ocean. 6'3". Ex-College football player. Country boy from the farm, working in a business world... Work takes me around the world. Home base is Tulsa. 

I messaged him, boldly: I am so interested in getting to know you! Travelling country boy in the business world. Sign me up! LOL

All I got back was a hi. 

So I said Hey...

"Not sure where to begin. So I will tell you about me. I'm Sunshine. I have a 16 year old daughter and since she'll be off to college in two short years I probably ought to get back out there or start buying cats."

The back and forth begins both of us taking time between the other, certainly texting a handful of people. I guess I waited a while and got a "something I said" message. Which honestly I had just gotten busy. But we got into a convo about work and from there it just kept going. 

This man has me thinking. The more we talk, the more questions I ask the more boxes he checks. The more I stalk his social media and I am exposed to his character the more boxes he is checking. 

So I decided I needed to write it down. What do I want? What is my ideal man. The man of my dreams. I have made this list in my head a million times, it has evolved over time with my life experiences, and I tick through it every time I meet someone new, it's crazy how detailed I am but I feel like I will find him. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MAN: 

I am in love with the country. I want a little piece of land with a porch swing and the stars. I want a man with some working man hands. I'm not specific, I don't need a cowboy but if he understands, bull riding and horse training, cattle, wants to hunt, fish, camp, load his big truck bed full of pillows and take me under the stars in the middle of no where - listens to country love songs and makes me feel like he is a strong steadfast, grounded man of moral and value... I am IN. I want a country man.

BUT I WANT MORE... I want a business man, that knows his way around clients. Customer events, is polished, educated, outgoing, confident, and well rounded enough to carry on a conversation with a super nerdy IT guy. Someone with ambition and drive. That wears a suit and can command a room. 

I want a passion for travel and adventure, some one that wants to see the world. To experience new cultures, new things and run around with me. That is just as comfortable in a major metropolis as he is on the backside of a mountain with no cell service. 

I want someone with a thirst for knowledge, with goals, with an entrepreneurial spirit. That sees me. That digs in and sees my worth and what I bring to the table and they want that. They want to work with that, I want to build something with someone. A business, a home, a platform. I want to dig in and get dirty with the love of my life and accomplish something. 

I want a big tall, beefy, man. An athletic man. A man that grew up playing sports and understands discipline. I want a man that will push me to be the healthiest version of myself but loves me soft too. I want a man that will watch football, basketball, baseball, golf, the pbr, and the Olympics. That wants to experience and enjoys the competitive nature of sports. If he is tall with a beard that is a bonus too. 

I want a lover of music and the arts. That can listen to every genre and find the beauty in all of it. A love of country music is a must because I need someone to dance me when i need dancing. Two Step me around a country bar or maybe just our kitchen island when we have had too much wine and we feel all in love with each other like it is the very first time. 

I want a man that kisses me and it takes my breath away. That I pause in the moment after because I still feel it. I still feel that between us and I want a man that will never stop kissing me. That kisses my forehead when he leaves for work and I am still in bed. That holds my hand pretty much all the time. That touches my back and introduces me always and is PROUD. Like damn proud that I am his and he is mine. I want the affection. 

And I want the sex. I want passion, I want it all the time. I want us to never give it up. I want to buy sexy panties and I want to send him dirty messages. I want to know I can turn him on, on the other side of the world. I want him to know me. All of me, intimately, and that we become one on a level we have never ever had with anyone else. I want to be open and I want to be consumed. I want to be his. 

I want it all. I want the final love with an imperfect person that can handle, the tears I have just praying and manifesting that he is ON HIS WAY TO ME. That he can handle the ugly. The broken shattered parts of me. The cracks of love past that have made me who I am. The healing I have done and the brokenness, I have experienced. I want a man that can take all of that and be sure without a shadow of a doubt I am secure, I know I am loved, I am his, and he is never giving up what so many others took for granted. I want a love so strong it heals the deepest parts of me I still haven't been able to fix on my own. 

I want this man so much I ache for him. I can't explain it. But I have this desire for this partner, this specific person. That I have never let myself feel before. My life is rapidly changing. My daughter, my anchor, she's getting her wings. The angel baby is about to stop blessing just this house and go bless the whole damn world. AND IT IS TIME. It is time that I look, that I search, that I don't settle for convenient, or easy or most of the man I am describing but I find HIM. The one my soul is seeking. 

I want a man of integrity, of faith. That prays for me. That believes in me. That puts family first. That has a respect for my family but also his own. That wants to fold deeply into my tribe, of people who love me. He also wants me deep within his and I want us to be a strong pillar that our families can always rely upon. 

I want this man to be a force. A gentle giant, a brilliant, sarcastic, hilarious, lover of my soul. That sees me and I am the ONLY one in the room for just a second. I want to take his breath away because this man - this man is everything to me. He lights me up, he sparks my joy, he inspires me to get up and work my ass off to make every single dream come true, not just for us but for everyone we touch. 

I am trying so hard to be patient for you. I think I will know immediately that you are mine. I push and I desire and I worry. But this man, he will get this... He will someday read this and say before you ever met me you knew me. You manifested the love you wanted and I was created.... most likely before I was ever born because I like an older maturity in a man. I believe I am an old soul, and he will be too. 

I just want you now. I want you to be all of this. I want you while Maddie is still home so you can learn to love the most important part of me. So you can have a relationship with her too. So she can fold into us because she is so important. I want you here because I want you to cheer her on as she accomplishes these next few milestones. As we look for colleges, competes at state and nationals in a sport she loves but may not continue, as the first boyfriend crushes her heart, or better yet she breaks his. I want you here for the hard messy stuff. Because I want you to love her like she was your own, and support her like you do me. But also because she deserves to see this. This once in a lifetime, I have waited for you for a thousand years and walked a million miles and made it to the other side to get to you kind of love. That is somehow still simple and somehow so undeniable people literally feel it when they meet us. 

I want her to see that all my mistakes, all the heartbreak, all the exes, were worth getting to you. Becoming the unbreakable, hard ass, that can do it all: buy her car, pay for her pom, take her on trips, make a good living, maintain a gorgeous house, that has gotten up every single time a man has knocked her down. I want her to see you and go damn, that is what its all about. Being someone's person but not because you need them but because your soul deeply desires them. Because I have already a built a full wonderful life on my own. I want her to see there is more than making all your own dreams come true, some one to share it all with is important too. 

I have made a lot of mistakes in relationships, I have chosen a lot of bad guys. I have forgiven far more than I should but I think I finally figured out exactly who you are and I am ready.... I am ready to meet you in some fairy tale way that someday we tell our grand kids. The way my grandparents sat me down and told me how they fell in love and how my grandpa always knew it was her. She married someone else first but it was always her... I want that. I want you. 

So maybe just maybe this tall bald man on the other side of the world will end up being this man. I don't know yet but I am hopeful, we shall see. 

There are tears in my eyes and a rawness in my words, and a hope in my heart. 
If it isn't him, that's ok. I know he is coming. I will find him someday. 

They Call Him The Fireman

I GREW UP IN A FIRE STATION. My dad was class of 1990 joining the Tulsa Fire Department when I was 6 years old. He has 30 years of "Fighting Fires and Saving Lives" come this next February and is considering retirement. 

My dad and I have always had an interesting relationship. We are pretty similar which has led to some pretty major clashes over the years but one thing that has always been consistent is how proud I am to be his #1 baby girl. 

I loved the station as a kid. Heck, I loved it as an adult. I would go weekly if not more to have lunch or dinner with him and the guys. I got in water fights with firefighter, learned to play Texas hold 'em, got to watch HBO because we didn't have it at home growing up. I knew the station phone number by heart from the time he joined and actually recited it accurately this last week. 

Some of my favorite memories and close friends are Fireman. More than one car emergency has been handled by an Engine from a nearby station. Water to my house turned off when a pipe busted, there were even a few that helped me move out of my first husbands house at 22 and into my own apartment. 

The one rule I have always had for myself was I WILL NEVER DATE A FIREMAN. It wasn't because they were bad guys, although I knew a few of them to be less than desirable life partners at moments of their lives. It wasn't that my dad didn't want me to, he has never told me who to date or been overly involved in my love life. I just never wanted him to have to hear about his little girl dating a co worker in the big fraternity that is the Fire Department. 

Well wouldn't you know 30 years in a fire station and saying hi to more firefighters than I can count, I am breaking my own rule. 

I met him at the Farmers Market. It was cute. We started talking, he is from a station downtown. Turns out we had some mutual friends. In fact, one of the aforementioned Firefighters that moved me out of my Fabulous Ex Husbands house at the ripe age of 22 worked closely with him, so I had a way to vet him. 

He knew my dad and told a story of how they had a joke about "back when they were Navy Seals" at the station they both worked at several years back. So I decided to let the conversations continue and check him out. 

The first call was to the mutual friend. He let me know that this was a GOOD GUY. Like a really good guy. I said to him "You know me! I only date assholes!" "What am I going to do with a god guy?" Sadly this was a pretty serious question... To which the response was "You need to date this guy, this is going to be a good change, this will be good for you." So with that advice from a trusted buddy, I decided i was going to see where this went. 

My next convo, had to be with my father. Telling things to my good buddy, is kind of like taking out a billboard and announcing it to all who will listen. So instead of my dear old dad hearing this from anyone else, i figured it would be best to tell him myself. 

"Dad, do you know, the Firefighter?" 
"Well, yes. We both worked at station 23 but I don't know him well, why?..."
"I think I am going to date him."
"I have never told you who you can and cannot date, I am not going to start now. I hear he is a good guy and I just want you to be happy. "

That was easy...

So I am a few weeks in on dating a really good guy and I have to tell you it is unlike anything I have ever experienced. 

Its considerate, he communicates well, he wants me to be healthy and happy. HE rubs my back and kisses my forehead. It isn't all about sex in fact that is even less of a focus for us than with anyone else. Don't get me wrong the attracting is insane and he is incredible. But it's conversations about growing up, raising kids, losing his parents, past relationships, future plans. Goals, dreams. He makes me want to keep a cleaner house, make the bed, get back in shape, drink less, work harder at my career, be better with money, focus on a future and what i contribute instead of what I can gain from my partner. He isn't overcompensating for lies and cheating. He just is who he is and I have never been in anything like this. 

It is a struggle for me to not want to be all in, but for the first time in my life, I want to be patient. I want to let it develop. I want to see how we do with all the first seasons. I am facing some health issues and I don't want to burden him with that, but I also appreciate his support as I navigate through some pretty heavy stuff. 

He is just a good good man. For the first time ever, it isn't presents and trips, fancy dinners and binge drinking. It's baseball games, dinner with my parents, swimming laps for hours, encouraging him as he trains for another Iron Man. Setting goals for myself of mini triathlons. Running and having sore muscles. Weekend nights without wine. Healthy cooking, interesting conversations, and a love of nature and history. He impresses me. He makes me believe I could be happy with a whole lot less. That i spent a lot of time dating narcissistic assholes until I finally found a man that was worth living up to my full potential for because he deserves nothing less. 

I wanted to write today, sitting at the lake while he ran his few miles and biked for 2 hours. Because this is my love. This is what I want in the future, these are my goals to write, share my stories. Let you all know about how I struggled and then how I survived. I wanted to document the beginning because I am so excited about a future with this one. 

But I always am... so as always.... We shall see.