JFK and I met back in February, we had a coffee meeting, some failed Saturday night plans, and a few Happy Hours. Communication was sporadic until the very end of April when we set a business lunch, which led to another Saturday night plan, which has now led to us being something more than just friends... I don't really know what this something is but it's been going on for 6 weeks, to the day actually and I am needing to find out... What better way than... An Open Letter to JFK
My darling JFK,
We need to talk (insert cringe here- every guy hates these words)... I have been thinking about a few things. I need to address them and once I get it all on the table I am going to feel so much better. For the last couple weeks but mostly the last several days I have been a little frustrated with our situation.
First, I should say that this isn't some speech about me wanting more of a relationship. I am slightly frustrated with our lack of time together but honestly this one night a week thing and one lunch a week thing works for me. I like talking to you almost daily but to be clear this isn't intended to be some whiny needy push for a more serious relationship. I just want to explain my frustration, what I am hoping to accomplish and then find out where you are...
and where ever that is will be fine.
I get that we both have these insanely busy schedules. I am confident they are not going to get much better but currently, I feel like this weird obligation. Something you have to squeeze in to appease me. I hate that, if you don't want to see me or spend time with me then don't. I'll get over it, I promise. I just don't like feeling like an appointment that fits into a neat little time slot.
The whole reason I have yet to really force a conversation about "us" is because more than anything I don't want to lose what we have. I respect you so much and I think you are absolutely amazing. Your work ethic is remarkable. The way you motivate me to push further and work harder in my career is unprecedented. Your understanding of outside sales and your ability to celebrate or commiserate with what's going on in my day is what draws me to you. This is the most attractive thing about you. The thought of losing you in that capacity is devastating and I really want to insure that it never happens.
But... We lack definition and I need definition because with out clear lines and
boundaries we are both moving forward in a this relationship (friendship, FWB, business contacts, or whatever it is) without knowing the others' expectations. If we do not establish anything and just take on the whole go with the flow attitude which may seem easiest in your head, we are risking hurting the other persons' feelings unintentionally. Aside from the fact my mind wonders where ever it may so please and obviously,
that is never a good idea. We need to figure out what this is, please.
If I take the current aspects of our scenario and just line them out it looks like this:
- We talk almost everyday
- We go out once a week for drinks or dinner and you always pay (by the way thank you)
- We sleep together, once a week but more times than not it is at a time other than when we go out for dinner or drinks. I state this because I want to be clear that every time we are together is not motivated solely by a sexual encounter.
- You send me motivational text messages every Thursday morning for my call session which I loathe but your little gems of encouragement, really do push me through that 4 hours.
- You are the anti-PDA and our public greetings are awkward side hugs.
- If I am being honest, I initiate more than 50% of the communication between us.
- We go over our schedules at the beginning of the week to find the possible holes that line up to see each other and then event invitations on our calendars are exchanged.
To me, this seems like we are dating. Not seriously dating, but dating. I'd like to think the slow progression is intentional and that we are forming a pretty tight little bond.
Since our free time is such a precious commodity, I want to know if you are doing this 'not serious dating' thing with anyone else. I also really want to know if you are sleeping with anyone else. I am not and I really don't want to sleep with someone who is sleeping with other people... That seems slutty and grosses me out.
I need a few little adjustments and a few questions answered to stave off this impending insecurity that is coming on full force. I am not insecure, well maybe I am but I try not to be. I am very independent and my life is very fulfilling without the need to be in a serious relationship.
With all that said, sorry for getting all bitchy tonight when plans didn't go my way.
xoxo
me
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Realistic Dreams and Wrong Assumptions
I had one of those super realistic dreams a few weeks ago, involving JFK. In my dream he had Googled and found this blog. I awoke from this dream almost in tears because I felt so betrayed. I couldn't believe that he would seek out my little 'dear diary' blog knowing full well I wouldn't want him to read my inner most thoughts. We just aren't at a place that I trust him with my crazy.
I woke up in this dazed panic trying to decipher reality. I quickly realized it was all a dream but in my experience, you don't just shrug off dreams that induce such an emotional response. I decide to tell him about it. He laughed at the ridiculousness of me being mad at him for something dream JFK did. He also assured me that he would never do this...
I've been a little hesitant to write all my crazy after that because in his affirmation of respect for my privacy he also assured me that he could find this whenever he wanted. The blog post from a month ago, was something I shared with him. He informed me that all he would have to do is put the post i sent him into Google and it would bring up my blog.
Well last week, I finally wrote. I've had all these moments of insecurities and a need for clarity in regards to JFK that I finally started writing again. Tonight, after finishing 50 Shades, I was feeling a bit inspired to write. I've been missing JFK and toying with the same questions I've had for weeks. So I got on this little sucker to write... But out of curiosity I decided to look at the traffic sources for my blog.
Low and behold, google and the second paragraph of my blog about JFK are a source for traffic on this blog. Immediately, I am crushed. How could he? I am so embarrassed, so vulnerable, so stupid. I want to call him and just scream! I realize how crazy it is to be so mad about him looking up a blog I post on the Internet for any ya-who to read but I am just so devastated by his betrayal. He lied to me!
I calm myself and decide I am going to confront him about this. I'll never be able to let this go. I want to know why he would do this and express how important this outlet is to me.
I decide not to call, I know he has had a busy day and this is probably the last thing he would want to deal with, it's going to be a bit petty and stupid to him. I still have to bring it up for my own peace of mind. In my head, this is the end. I am going to go a bit crazy on him over something that is important to me, that he could not possibly understand and that is going to be the end. He's 25 and is going to go running for the hills. I rationalize all of this and send him a text, cryptic enough to warrant an immediate response.
"You lied to me and I'm a bit upset so when you are not busy for a few minutes, give me a call." I debate for a millisecond but before I can talk myself out of it, I hit send. As I anticipated, response: "What are u talking about?"
Now there is no way I am going to have this as a conversation via text message. It is ridiculous enough that I am bringing it up anyway, but over text, that's just down right degrading. So I reply, "Just when you aren't busy, I don't want to interrupt your night. It's not hugely important." He promptly counters with "Hahaha... Alright I'll be finishing up with my stuff in a minute when Daniel leaves I'll call ya"
As I wait for this call processing my emotions, I know I need to calm down. I know I need to not come off as some raging lunatic. I start this entry as I game plan the conversation that is about to unfold, I decide disappointment is a better tactic than anger. I can feel the clarity coming back to me, I can feel the sanity returning... All of a sudden my hands hit my face realizing, I Googled my blog.
A little over a week ago, I decided to test his theory, so I Googled it. It was me, I am the one Google traffic source using that entry. I am mortified. Any moment he is going to call wondering what I am upset about and I am going to have to tell him this whole ridiculous story. I have lost my ever loving mind.
He calls, I start at the beginning, telling him I had sat down to write and clear my head, and before I can get to the would-be-accusation he says, "and you think I read your blog." I pause and say, yes but I now think that I Googled it myself. He assures me he has not read it and that I can write to my little hearts content. I apologize for my crazy, asking if at any point I scare him off when I overreact like this... he hesitates, mostly for drama (at least I hope) and says no, it's fine.
We continue to discuss our weekends and week. Searching for time to see each other. I miss him, even more. Our conversation is actually comforting to me, sort of relieving what I was initially getting on here to bitch about... I hang up thankful for his understanding, soothed by our brief conversation and able to cap off this entry with a smile. I'm a little nuts but I haven't quite scared him off yet.
I woke up in this dazed panic trying to decipher reality. I quickly realized it was all a dream but in my experience, you don't just shrug off dreams that induce such an emotional response. I decide to tell him about it. He laughed at the ridiculousness of me being mad at him for something dream JFK did. He also assured me that he would never do this...
I've been a little hesitant to write all my crazy after that because in his affirmation of respect for my privacy he also assured me that he could find this whenever he wanted. The blog post from a month ago, was something I shared with him. He informed me that all he would have to do is put the post i sent him into Google and it would bring up my blog.
Well last week, I finally wrote. I've had all these moments of insecurities and a need for clarity in regards to JFK that I finally started writing again. Tonight, after finishing 50 Shades, I was feeling a bit inspired to write. I've been missing JFK and toying with the same questions I've had for weeks. So I got on this little sucker to write... But out of curiosity I decided to look at the traffic sources for my blog.
Low and behold, google and the second paragraph of my blog about JFK are a source for traffic on this blog. Immediately, I am crushed. How could he? I am so embarrassed, so vulnerable, so stupid. I want to call him and just scream! I realize how crazy it is to be so mad about him looking up a blog I post on the Internet for any ya-who to read but I am just so devastated by his betrayal. He lied to me!
I calm myself and decide I am going to confront him about this. I'll never be able to let this go. I want to know why he would do this and express how important this outlet is to me.
I decide not to call, I know he has had a busy day and this is probably the last thing he would want to deal with, it's going to be a bit petty and stupid to him. I still have to bring it up for my own peace of mind. In my head, this is the end. I am going to go a bit crazy on him over something that is important to me, that he could not possibly understand and that is going to be the end. He's 25 and is going to go running for the hills. I rationalize all of this and send him a text, cryptic enough to warrant an immediate response.
"You lied to me and I'm a bit upset so when you are not busy for a few minutes, give me a call." I debate for a millisecond but before I can talk myself out of it, I hit send. As I anticipated, response: "What are u talking about?"
Now there is no way I am going to have this as a conversation via text message. It is ridiculous enough that I am bringing it up anyway, but over text, that's just down right degrading. So I reply, "Just when you aren't busy, I don't want to interrupt your night. It's not hugely important." He promptly counters with "Hahaha... Alright I'll be finishing up with my stuff in a minute when Daniel leaves I'll call ya"
As I wait for this call processing my emotions, I know I need to calm down. I know I need to not come off as some raging lunatic. I start this entry as I game plan the conversation that is about to unfold, I decide disappointment is a better tactic than anger. I can feel the clarity coming back to me, I can feel the sanity returning... All of a sudden my hands hit my face realizing, I Googled my blog.
A little over a week ago, I decided to test his theory, so I Googled it. It was me, I am the one Google traffic source using that entry. I am mortified. Any moment he is going to call wondering what I am upset about and I am going to have to tell him this whole ridiculous story. I have lost my ever loving mind.
He calls, I start at the beginning, telling him I had sat down to write and clear my head, and before I can get to the would-be-accusation he says, "and you think I read your blog." I pause and say, yes but I now think that I Googled it myself. He assures me he has not read it and that I can write to my little hearts content. I apologize for my crazy, asking if at any point I scare him off when I overreact like this... he hesitates, mostly for drama (at least I hope) and says no, it's fine.
We continue to discuss our weekends and week. Searching for time to see each other. I miss him, even more. Our conversation is actually comforting to me, sort of relieving what I was initially getting on here to bitch about... I hang up thankful for his understanding, soothed by our brief conversation and able to cap off this entry with a smile. I'm a little nuts but I haven't quite scared him off yet.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
The Twenty-Five Year Old "Something"
Do you ever feel
like you are consciously setting yourself up for disappointment? I know
this decision is probably going to hurt in the long run but right now it
feels good enough that I just don't care. I think I do this a lot with
boys and perhaps in relationships in general.
For instance, I caught you up on the initial meeting and flirtatious banter with my financial planner when I wrote a month ago. Well a lot has happened in the last 30+ days, but rather than write every moment that has made me swoon; let's get to the current issue at hand:
This boy is going to break my heart.
Things have progressed at a slow and easy pace. I still trying to decide if 'slow and easy' is just a positive way at looking at mildly interested. I hate when relationships feel lopsided or when you just don't know what's going on.
The lack of definition here, has been plaguing me for several days. The more I chat up my crush with my girl friends or get asked at Cheers about JFK, every one seems to have the same question... What's going on with you two?
To which, I have no idea.
So over my pre-date therapy session/beer with Sam Malone, we dive into the vagueness that is this new relationship. We have great chemistry; we get along really well. It's always fun and light-hearted. But I feel like I am in this anxious state of wondering what's going to happen next... I do not have "go with the flow" in me.
This is not a comfortable place for me. As Sam Malone pointed out tonight. "You aren't use to this casually dating thing" No sir, I am not. I like clearly defined "relationships." If you like me and want to get to know me, then you do so but I require undivided attention and a lot of it. I am pretty up front about this expectation but not in this case.
We are in some uncharted territory here. There's been no DTR (Defining The Relationship). There is no expectation of exclusivity. I am "something" (dating, seeing, talking to, sleeping with... something) a twenty-five year old. I've never something'd a twenty-five year old, not even when I was twenty-five. In fact when I was his age, I was a stay-at-home mom planning on marrying Mr. Toilet. I have no idea how to be in this... whatever this is.
It's exciting at best but for the most part nerve racking. I like this guy, I think he is one of the coolest people I have ever met. He's well spoken, educated, driven, well-rounded, and completely put together. Did I mention he looks damn good in a suit? This kid, and yes I call him kid, is the total package. He makes me nervous and giddy. I love spending time with him and I am excited to talk to him every chance I get. I'm kind of smitten but I can't shake the feeling that this kid's going to break my little heart... That's being a bit dramatic but at the very least he might possibly bruise my ego.
So tonight, Sam tells me I have to some how talk about this. I need some sort of definition because I don't want to get my feelings hurt and end up hating him. Sam knows me well. But I am a total wuss. I don't really want to bring this up because I like how things are, I like the way it is progressing but to me I think it is progressing, I don't know what it is to him. I don't want to ruin it, I don't want it to stop; I want it to move forward but I definitely don't want to be an idiot about things.
If this kid is like, "hey this girl is cool, she is a good connection as far as people and networking business wise and sleeping with her on occasion seems like a fun way to pass the time." I want to know that... I also want to know if there is some other girl that is cool, that sleeping with on occasion is fun. I don't want to conform to the constraints of a serious committed relationship. I just want to know what this is... I don't like calling it a "something."
Some of our past conversations have touched on long term plans and not being compatible in the future. Which is a little scary to me but as a twenty-five year old guy, the future still seems like this distant place. He's got all the time in the world to meet some one, fall in love get married and have kids... his 10 year plan does not align with mine. In ten years, I'm like 40. How do people do this? How do you not over analyze something that is so far so good? How do you control the neurotic desire to define a relationship?
I need something so I know what this something is!
The best I could muster tonight was this little wimpy conversation... There was a couple at the restaurant, sitting on the same side of the booth. I jokingly said I wish we sat on the same side of the booth. He knew I was kidding and laughed, that's not going to happen. This opens the door for me to bring up how completely anti-PDA he is... He agrees he's not, yet defends himself with the whole not cuddly affectionate person speech, which I get. I am not super lovey-dovey either, unless I'm drunk. His comfort level and mine really aren't that far off but I am going to need him to graduate from awkward side hug to actual kiss when he sees me. He laughs, concurs and says, "You know what this is? Progress"
He doesn't want some crazy, intense, fast-paced relationship nor do I for that matter. He expresses that he likes what this is and brings up my joke about 3 week relationships. He asks me, some what seriously, when I am going to get mad and be done with him, which usually happens within a three week time frame. I explain that this is moving differently than anything I have had in the past and I am not really worried about it. We end the conversation, promising to be honest with each other and to be respectful enough that we can always maintain a working relationship and a friendship.
This conversation gave me a little peace of mind, at least enough to not force him into some drawn out conversation about his feelings. He knows I like what we have and want it to continue but with a little more substance, a little more attachment. But I still want things to move at this nice leisurely pace.
I am still not ready for something super serious. I am focused on my career more than ever and watching my daughter grow up before my eyes. I am not financially as stable as I would like to be but I am working towards some good goals that need to take priority over a boy.
I really like JFK even though this is all so different for me. I usually date these older guys and there aren't many questions as to if they dig me. There is however quite a bit of deceit, at least in my experience. So hopefully this is a good change. JFK does have the one thing I always look for in a guy: Someone who makes me want to be better. He challenges me and I respect him. I want to be this best version of myself, the version of me I love the most, the version I should strive to be all the time. Some times a little motivation can be found in crushing on your financial planner.
For instance, I caught you up on the initial meeting and flirtatious banter with my financial planner when I wrote a month ago. Well a lot has happened in the last 30+ days, but rather than write every moment that has made me swoon; let's get to the current issue at hand:
This boy is going to break my heart.
Things have progressed at a slow and easy pace. I still trying to decide if 'slow and easy' is just a positive way at looking at mildly interested. I hate when relationships feel lopsided or when you just don't know what's going on.
The lack of definition here, has been plaguing me for several days. The more I chat up my crush with my girl friends or get asked at Cheers about JFK, every one seems to have the same question... What's going on with you two?
To which, I have no idea.
So over my pre-date therapy session/beer with Sam Malone, we dive into the vagueness that is this new relationship. We have great chemistry; we get along really well. It's always fun and light-hearted. But I feel like I am in this anxious state of wondering what's going to happen next... I do not have "go with the flow" in me.
This is not a comfortable place for me. As Sam Malone pointed out tonight. "You aren't use to this casually dating thing" No sir, I am not. I like clearly defined "relationships." If you like me and want to get to know me, then you do so but I require undivided attention and a lot of it. I am pretty up front about this expectation but not in this case.
We are in some uncharted territory here. There's been no DTR (Defining The Relationship). There is no expectation of exclusivity. I am "something" (dating, seeing, talking to, sleeping with... something) a twenty-five year old. I've never something'd a twenty-five year old, not even when I was twenty-five. In fact when I was his age, I was a stay-at-home mom planning on marrying Mr. Toilet. I have no idea how to be in this... whatever this is.
It's exciting at best but for the most part nerve racking. I like this guy, I think he is one of the coolest people I have ever met. He's well spoken, educated, driven, well-rounded, and completely put together. Did I mention he looks damn good in a suit? This kid, and yes I call him kid, is the total package. He makes me nervous and giddy. I love spending time with him and I am excited to talk to him every chance I get. I'm kind of smitten but I can't shake the feeling that this kid's going to break my little heart... That's being a bit dramatic but at the very least he might possibly bruise my ego.
So tonight, Sam tells me I have to some how talk about this. I need some sort of definition because I don't want to get my feelings hurt and end up hating him. Sam knows me well. But I am a total wuss. I don't really want to bring this up because I like how things are, I like the way it is progressing but to me I think it is progressing, I don't know what it is to him. I don't want to ruin it, I don't want it to stop; I want it to move forward but I definitely don't want to be an idiot about things.
If this kid is like, "hey this girl is cool, she is a good connection as far as people and networking business wise and sleeping with her on occasion seems like a fun way to pass the time." I want to know that... I also want to know if there is some other girl that is cool, that sleeping with on occasion is fun. I don't want to conform to the constraints of a serious committed relationship. I just want to know what this is... I don't like calling it a "something."
Some of our past conversations have touched on long term plans and not being compatible in the future. Which is a little scary to me but as a twenty-five year old guy, the future still seems like this distant place. He's got all the time in the world to meet some one, fall in love get married and have kids... his 10 year plan does not align with mine. In ten years, I'm like 40. How do people do this? How do you not over analyze something that is so far so good? How do you control the neurotic desire to define a relationship?
I need something so I know what this something is!
The best I could muster tonight was this little wimpy conversation... There was a couple at the restaurant, sitting on the same side of the booth. I jokingly said I wish we sat on the same side of the booth. He knew I was kidding and laughed, that's not going to happen. This opens the door for me to bring up how completely anti-PDA he is... He agrees he's not, yet defends himself with the whole not cuddly affectionate person speech, which I get. I am not super lovey-dovey either, unless I'm drunk. His comfort level and mine really aren't that far off but I am going to need him to graduate from awkward side hug to actual kiss when he sees me. He laughs, concurs and says, "You know what this is? Progress"
He doesn't want some crazy, intense, fast-paced relationship nor do I for that matter. He expresses that he likes what this is and brings up my joke about 3 week relationships. He asks me, some what seriously, when I am going to get mad and be done with him, which usually happens within a three week time frame. I explain that this is moving differently than anything I have had in the past and I am not really worried about it. We end the conversation, promising to be honest with each other and to be respectful enough that we can always maintain a working relationship and a friendship.
This conversation gave me a little peace of mind, at least enough to not force him into some drawn out conversation about his feelings. He knows I like what we have and want it to continue but with a little more substance, a little more attachment. But I still want things to move at this nice leisurely pace.
I am still not ready for something super serious. I am focused on my career more than ever and watching my daughter grow up before my eyes. I am not financially as stable as I would like to be but I am working towards some good goals that need to take priority over a boy.
I really like JFK even though this is all so different for me. I usually date these older guys and there aren't many questions as to if they dig me. There is however quite a bit of deceit, at least in my experience. So hopefully this is a good change. JFK does have the one thing I always look for in a guy: Someone who makes me want to be better. He challenges me and I respect him. I want to be this best version of myself, the version of me I love the most, the version I should strive to be all the time. Some times a little motivation can be found in crushing on your financial planner.
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