I’VE BEEN KIND OF AN EMOTIONAL INTROSPECTIVE MESS THIS WEEK. Not sure where all my feelings are pouring from but I’m doing my best to manage and not heap every thought onto the people I love. Writing is becoming more consistent. Reading is becoming a much larger part of my life. I think I’m in a good headspace.
I use this blog to write about relationships and then men I date. Mostly towards the beginning or end. Recap or excitement, not a lot of deep self reflection in the midst of these love affairs.
Some times I go through some really heavy shit and it’s months or years later before I want to write about it. It takes me a while to unpack the the deception and abuse I’ve endured over the years. I think I might have trouble acknowledging my roll of allowing behavior to continue. I think I wrap it in the nobility of unconditional love and grace but really it’s not the way God or anyone who cares for me would ever intend I live.
But true to pattern, new relationship, lots of feelings and emotions rolling around, excitement and expectations. Hope of the promise of new and a different relationship so I have a lot to say, and process. Guess I’ll dive in:
Mr. Handyman is on a family vacation. His boys and parents up at the family condo in Created Butte. We are spending a week a part. Y’all I am good with distance. I am great with distance... I PREFER distance. I remember when I was married to my 2nd husband like wanting him to go on work trips or me to go on work trips just because I like my alone time. I take obnoxiously long baths reading and writing in the tub - but everyone leaves me alone. I liked my weekend boyfriend before he became my live in boyfriend. Granted the distance just made his sex addiction easier to feed and hide. I liked dating a guy in okc because he was only around to take me to dinner once a week and the rest of my time was mine. That was cool until his wife called to let me know he was married. I even liked that the last guy travelled for work because I basically wanted to travel more too.
I’m good with distance. I like space. I miss this man like I haven’t missed anyone maybe ever. It’s not like a boredom, wish he was here to do stuff with me. Or dependent, I can’t do stuff without someone. No this is like a real sincere I miss him. Like my heart misses him. Our closeness, our intimacy, the conversations that last entirely too long, the time we spend together. I just miss the hell out of this man and THAT is freaking me out.
So we should just go ahead and acknowledge that I’m pretty much head over heels in love with this man. He’s kind and patient and he works really hard to know me. He makes me feel seen and heard. He apologizes when he hurts me even if he isn’t wrong. He understands my point of view on absolutely everything. He gets deep in his own emotions and pain and he shares with me. He is intimately invested in our relationship. This man knows how to love, love hard and deeply care for people.
He has so much to give and I have so much to give and we are just the most obnoxious ball of build each other up, processing pain, no secrets, ugly cry, deep seeded insecurities, here are my flaws. Love me as I am and I’ll become the best version of me and love you back 10x over. This man clams me, he reads me, he sees me, he prays over me, he walks in faith with me and he tells me I’m gorgeous even though I’m soft and he has abs and a chest that make me bite my lip when he’s shirtless.
I’m insane over this man and I really didn’t want to be.
We said it would be fun and light. We gave eachother the don’t fall in love with me speeches. We made a plan. I knew when he kissed me at a corner table in doubleshot. When he just grabbed my face and kissed me, I was in love. But he was too. I could feel it.
I’m easy to know. I’m open and vulnerability is a trait I have honed and one I deeply desire. There isn’t a lot of armor or walls. I’m ok with letting people in. I’ve overcome some intense heartbreak. Like really insane stuff, so I’m not really afraid of being hurt. I can overcome pain, heartbreak and disappointment. I just don’t think I’ve found anyone with similar love languages, a similar past, that is so drawn to my empathetic nature and even though we’ve both been damaged; he’s open and vulnerable with me.
So I miss him. I haven’t missed a man maybe ever but I miss this one.
I’m so impressed by the foundation we are intentionally laying. The goals we have and the life we want together, someday. Not soon, but when it’s right and we have walked through seasons together. I love how he loves his kids, his parents, respects his ex wife, is so open and willing to be a part of my family. He loves my family, my monster and even has sent her crazy father business.
He embodies patience, kindness, loyalty, strength. He’s soft and open and his protective and passionate. I look at him and I sometimes tear up because I’m so thankful and loved so well. Sometimes he looks at me and I see his tears too. He said I love you first and abruptly and he meant it. He says it on accident and gets embarrassed when he hangs up the phone in front of his parents. He is thankful they like me and they’re open to me after all he’s been through. I appreciate him. I’m obsessed with him in all the best ways. I’m surprised and overwhelmed almost daily. He’s the man of God I’ve always wanted and never thought I could have. He’s too good for me and I plan to work really hard to love him as well as he does me.
Tuesday, December 31, 2019
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Everyone Wants a Handyman
I AM BREAKING MY PATTERN AND WRITING AGAIN. I’m just in the mood to get it all out there. Savor the memories and lock them in time on my little online diary that gets shared with a very select few. I’m waking up this morning under my weighted blanket and I’m thankful, reflective, and hopeful of the future I’m manifesting.
The handyman and I are the literal healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and it was the most unintentional thing. So, I told you I had been over the world traveler, at least known he wasn’t my person since his first major meltdown while in Croatia. He had this habit that was like a beacon rescue light, bright red and flashing. He clears out his phone. Hear me out: I have met one man who has created the habit of deleting all of his back text messages. One. There is never a string of what you’ve talked about. He clears it all. The one man I met had that habit because he was a literal sex addict. He kind of broke it but that’s because he just gave the hookers a number from an app he used on his phone. So our 5th day in Europe drinking on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean, I look over and he is texting some girl and it is heart eye and kissy face emojis and an I miss you text. Like what the actual effe. You flew my ass to the other side of the world and your texting some chick you still are apparently talking to that you miss her and kissy face?!! Come the F*ck On!!!
I didn’t overreact at all. You know me. I’m cold and dead inside. Some dude feeding me bullshit and texting another girl, damn that’s just like home for me. I was just like “oh really...“ and I laughed. He was obviously upset and I let him throw his temper tantrum. He didn’t have much of an explanation and I wasn’t throwing anything in his face. I was just surprised. I literally didn’t even say anything. He lost his mind. It was in that moment I was like well fuck. This will never work but I had 6 days left on an island vacation and I was going to make the best of it.
All of this to say, we were over before we ever really had a chance to start. So when my passive aggressive distance and no sex since Athens finally wears him down and he breaks up with me. (I know, I’m horrible) I was back on bumble the moment he said “we should talk”.
So I match with this outrageously attractive ex firefighter. I remember looking at his profile thinking I am going to have to lose 50lbs before this hottie is going to be into me. Hope I still look enough like these pictures. He sends me a message that says hey - I’m super busy. I’m on my phone all day, here is my number and my name. You can check me out on social media, call me if you want to talk. So I text the number some snarky text like, “hey it’s Emily, I’m ok with skipping straight to texting and I’ll stalk you on social media in a few.” The text delivers as green and I am confused because like who doesn’t have an iPhone?
So I message him on bumble and say, I always get weirded out when texts aren’t iMessages. Like is this an app number you gave me to hide your dating life from your wife or something? Who doesn’t have an iPhone? He responds. Sorry wrong number... I fat fingered it. Here is my cell.
So I text his right number and said welp, thanks for that... some total stranger wants to know why Emily is stalking him now.
He dies laughing and immediately FaceTimes me.
I decline.
Whattttt.... I have on no make up, last nights ratty hair and an oversized firefighter tee with no bra. Lord. So I said hang on let me at least remove last nights mascara from under my eyes and brush my hair. I’ll call you back.
I do. I look rough, opt for dim lighting and hope my sparkling personality seals the deal. Call him back. He is in a full blown belly laugh at my stalking text to a wrong number. We talk while he’s in the pick up line at school. It’s effortless. We laugh nonstop.
The beginning he asks what I’m looking for and I said literally to date. I told him: I have 18 months left with my daughter under my roof. I’m not trying to move in and build a future with someone. I don’t want to be racing towards forever. I want a fancy dinner or a fun date night once a week. I want someone who will go to concerts or things that I needed be a couple for, other than that I don’t care. I have a great job, a full wonderful life, amazing friends and I’m not letting anything rock my baby girls last year and a half at home.
He replies good. I’m not looking for anything serious; let me tell you what’s wrong with me. I’m going through a nasty divorce that I hope won’t take forever but realistically it’s going to drag on for years. I built 3 companies in a short time with my ex wife. She started screwing one of my business partners. We tried to make it work, went back and forth for months. She kept cheating and lying. I even offered her an open marriage just desperate to make it work. Finally it got so bad my kids mom filed to take custody from me and I moved. So I had been staying with my parents during our back and forth and living with them was helping the boys mom feel comfortable with our custody arrangements. So I have decided I’m staying here a while. So if you’re cool with a 43 year old that lives with his parents and has a bat shot crazy ex wife trying to destroy his companies and life. I’m your man.
I said oh my god!... you aren’t going to be good for anyone for a while.
He said “nope, but I’m a lot of fun.”
So I said cool. I lived with my parents. Heck I’m still just a handful of bad decisions away from something like that. Also as I mentioned before, I don’t want to marry you, live with you, build a life with you. I basically want to find someone I like to hang out with that I’m hopefully attracted to that is a good time. Let’s keep talking.
We text and talk nonstop and then we meet for coffee. He walks in hugs me and I immediately have to take a conference call. He sits for 30 mins while I work. Then when I get off my call, he kisses me. Oh my god I melt. His lips are soft and his kisses are perfect. F*ck.
We make plans for Friday night. I have friends going to the concert at hard rock and I want to country dance after at track 5. We end up having dinner Wednesday and Thursday night too.
We have so much fun. He’s gorgeous and I can’t tell you how many women come up and want to dance with him and how perfectly all over me he is. “Sorry mam, all my dances are reserved for her.”
The 5 days of talking nonstop and one amazing kiss before this night I was already in trouble. We just align. Our faith, how it’s a priority and where we are with it. Our life experiences. My empathy in his divorce. How I understand his pain and the healing process. Our deep desire for trust and a real relationship even though we both are capable of just dating casually. Parenting styles. Co-parenting styles. Business goals. Long term plans. All of it. We fit.
Saturday we go to brunch and Monday we book a weekend getaway to Napa because that is how I roll.
I had to be in Sacramento for work anyway, I left Sunday and he didn’t have he kids that weekend before Christmas. No one was buying me a damn thing and my kid had stuff going with her dad so I said hey! Napa is an hour from Sacramento. Fly in Thursday and let’s stay until Sunday. We can say Merry Christmas to us in wine country this weekend. I used points for one of his flights. Hotels were cheap. Cars cheap. It was like under a grand to get him there and for the car rental and a hotel.
So he spends the week working. I work in Sacramento and we FaceTime every morning and every night. The night before my meetings laying in bed talking, he said I’m going to pray over your day tomorrow. He does, out loud on FaceTime this man prays for me. For wise words and understanding for the ability to articulate to open minds and hearts and do his work. I cry. Tears stream from my face listening to him speak affirmations and intercede on my behalf. This man knows my heart and nurtures my soul.
The day before he arrives I said, go to my house and bring me warm clothes let’s go to Tahoe for one night!!! I’ve never been. Let’s find snow on Christmas. So he does. He goes and gets clothes and packs a bag and brings them to me. We go to Tahoe. Have an amazing time. We laid in the room for hours talking. Learning so much and just creating this real raw intimacy. We had an amazing steak dinner and went to play craps. Lost out asses at the craps table but he turns to me with entirely too much alcohol in his system and says, Emily I am completely in love with you, shit, I wasn’t going to say that for a long time but I am in love with you.
I was SHOCKED. I mean, I knew it. He was fallingl for me the moment we met and the way he looked at me. But really it was the morning after we had gone out dancing. We made sweet perfect love and it wasn’t drunk sex. It was intentional and intimate and amazing and after he said, that doesn’t happen. I knew that he loved me then. I knew I was falling hard for that man then. I knew if the sex was good and it was great... I was in trouble.
Still completely in shock a whopping 10 days from our first FaceTime conversation- the L word had come out of his mouth. I hugged him and kissed and said I’m completely in love with you too and we are fucking morons.
The weekend was amazing. Wine country is stupid romantic. The food, drinks, and scenery. We are perfect and so happy. We get to the airport to come home and the internet to the entire airport had been knocked out so like 10 flights cancelled and 5 hours of delays with thousands of people missing flights.
He calmly rebooks us for the following day, finds and adorable Airbnb in old town Sacramento and takes me for Mexican food and margs. I was so amazed. No stress. Nothing he could do about the delay. He solved our problem and made the best of it. I could not ask for more.
Not to compare them as people but in contrast, when I was coming home from Europe and in line for customs with 45mins to get to my gate or miss my next flight, the world traveler was losing his shit. I mean cussing, blaming people around us for being slow, wanting to cut the line, it was embarrassing. I had a 300lb manchild throwing his at that point usual fit in an airport of strangers.
So my anxiety was high, knowing Mr Handyman has kids at home he wants to try and see and a company to run and fires to fight. He was so easy and calm and just kissed me and told me not to worry.
Where did this angel of a man come from and what kind of crack was his crazy ex smoking that she traded this lover in for a chance at private plane money and a bigger yacht? Thank you Jesus for other people’s stupidity. I know for a fact no amount of money is worth losing this man.
We have had a wonderful holiday together. I have loved knowing him and loving him and I see a future and I am not in a rush. It’s all in gods hands and on his timing. I just thank him every day that I get to have him in my life. That he loves me well and loved me fast and wants me to be happy and sees a life with me in the future too.
Plus he has abs. I thank god for those abs too.
The handyman and I are the literal healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and it was the most unintentional thing. So, I told you I had been over the world traveler, at least known he wasn’t my person since his first major meltdown while in Croatia. He had this habit that was like a beacon rescue light, bright red and flashing. He clears out his phone. Hear me out: I have met one man who has created the habit of deleting all of his back text messages. One. There is never a string of what you’ve talked about. He clears it all. The one man I met had that habit because he was a literal sex addict. He kind of broke it but that’s because he just gave the hookers a number from an app he used on his phone. So our 5th day in Europe drinking on a boat in the middle of the Mediterranean, I look over and he is texting some girl and it is heart eye and kissy face emojis and an I miss you text. Like what the actual effe. You flew my ass to the other side of the world and your texting some chick you still are apparently talking to that you miss her and kissy face?!! Come the F*ck On!!!
I didn’t overreact at all. You know me. I’m cold and dead inside. Some dude feeding me bullshit and texting another girl, damn that’s just like home for me. I was just like “oh really...“ and I laughed. He was obviously upset and I let him throw his temper tantrum. He didn’t have much of an explanation and I wasn’t throwing anything in his face. I was just surprised. I literally didn’t even say anything. He lost his mind. It was in that moment I was like well fuck. This will never work but I had 6 days left on an island vacation and I was going to make the best of it.
All of this to say, we were over before we ever really had a chance to start. So when my passive aggressive distance and no sex since Athens finally wears him down and he breaks up with me. (I know, I’m horrible) I was back on bumble the moment he said “we should talk”.
So I match with this outrageously attractive ex firefighter. I remember looking at his profile thinking I am going to have to lose 50lbs before this hottie is going to be into me. Hope I still look enough like these pictures. He sends me a message that says hey - I’m super busy. I’m on my phone all day, here is my number and my name. You can check me out on social media, call me if you want to talk. So I text the number some snarky text like, “hey it’s Emily, I’m ok with skipping straight to texting and I’ll stalk you on social media in a few.” The text delivers as green and I am confused because like who doesn’t have an iPhone?
So I message him on bumble and say, I always get weirded out when texts aren’t iMessages. Like is this an app number you gave me to hide your dating life from your wife or something? Who doesn’t have an iPhone? He responds. Sorry wrong number... I fat fingered it. Here is my cell.
So I text his right number and said welp, thanks for that... some total stranger wants to know why Emily is stalking him now.
He dies laughing and immediately FaceTimes me.
I decline.
Whattttt.... I have on no make up, last nights ratty hair and an oversized firefighter tee with no bra. Lord. So I said hang on let me at least remove last nights mascara from under my eyes and brush my hair. I’ll call you back.
I do. I look rough, opt for dim lighting and hope my sparkling personality seals the deal. Call him back. He is in a full blown belly laugh at my stalking text to a wrong number. We talk while he’s in the pick up line at school. It’s effortless. We laugh nonstop.
The beginning he asks what I’m looking for and I said literally to date. I told him: I have 18 months left with my daughter under my roof. I’m not trying to move in and build a future with someone. I don’t want to be racing towards forever. I want a fancy dinner or a fun date night once a week. I want someone who will go to concerts or things that I needed be a couple for, other than that I don’t care. I have a great job, a full wonderful life, amazing friends and I’m not letting anything rock my baby girls last year and a half at home.
He replies good. I’m not looking for anything serious; let me tell you what’s wrong with me. I’m going through a nasty divorce that I hope won’t take forever but realistically it’s going to drag on for years. I built 3 companies in a short time with my ex wife. She started screwing one of my business partners. We tried to make it work, went back and forth for months. She kept cheating and lying. I even offered her an open marriage just desperate to make it work. Finally it got so bad my kids mom filed to take custody from me and I moved. So I had been staying with my parents during our back and forth and living with them was helping the boys mom feel comfortable with our custody arrangements. So I have decided I’m staying here a while. So if you’re cool with a 43 year old that lives with his parents and has a bat shot crazy ex wife trying to destroy his companies and life. I’m your man.
I said oh my god!... you aren’t going to be good for anyone for a while.
He said “nope, but I’m a lot of fun.”
So I said cool. I lived with my parents. Heck I’m still just a handful of bad decisions away from something like that. Also as I mentioned before, I don’t want to marry you, live with you, build a life with you. I basically want to find someone I like to hang out with that I’m hopefully attracted to that is a good time. Let’s keep talking.
We text and talk nonstop and then we meet for coffee. He walks in hugs me and I immediately have to take a conference call. He sits for 30 mins while I work. Then when I get off my call, he kisses me. Oh my god I melt. His lips are soft and his kisses are perfect. F*ck.
We make plans for Friday night. I have friends going to the concert at hard rock and I want to country dance after at track 5. We end up having dinner Wednesday and Thursday night too.
We have so much fun. He’s gorgeous and I can’t tell you how many women come up and want to dance with him and how perfectly all over me he is. “Sorry mam, all my dances are reserved for her.”
The 5 days of talking nonstop and one amazing kiss before this night I was already in trouble. We just align. Our faith, how it’s a priority and where we are with it. Our life experiences. My empathy in his divorce. How I understand his pain and the healing process. Our deep desire for trust and a real relationship even though we both are capable of just dating casually. Parenting styles. Co-parenting styles. Business goals. Long term plans. All of it. We fit.
Saturday we go to brunch and Monday we book a weekend getaway to Napa because that is how I roll.
I had to be in Sacramento for work anyway, I left Sunday and he didn’t have he kids that weekend before Christmas. No one was buying me a damn thing and my kid had stuff going with her dad so I said hey! Napa is an hour from Sacramento. Fly in Thursday and let’s stay until Sunday. We can say Merry Christmas to us in wine country this weekend. I used points for one of his flights. Hotels were cheap. Cars cheap. It was like under a grand to get him there and for the car rental and a hotel.
So he spends the week working. I work in Sacramento and we FaceTime every morning and every night. The night before my meetings laying in bed talking, he said I’m going to pray over your day tomorrow. He does, out loud on FaceTime this man prays for me. For wise words and understanding for the ability to articulate to open minds and hearts and do his work. I cry. Tears stream from my face listening to him speak affirmations and intercede on my behalf. This man knows my heart and nurtures my soul.
The day before he arrives I said, go to my house and bring me warm clothes let’s go to Tahoe for one night!!! I’ve never been. Let’s find snow on Christmas. So he does. He goes and gets clothes and packs a bag and brings them to me. We go to Tahoe. Have an amazing time. We laid in the room for hours talking. Learning so much and just creating this real raw intimacy. We had an amazing steak dinner and went to play craps. Lost out asses at the craps table but he turns to me with entirely too much alcohol in his system and says, Emily I am completely in love with you, shit, I wasn’t going to say that for a long time but I am in love with you.
I was SHOCKED. I mean, I knew it. He was fallingl for me the moment we met and the way he looked at me. But really it was the morning after we had gone out dancing. We made sweet perfect love and it wasn’t drunk sex. It was intentional and intimate and amazing and after he said, that doesn’t happen. I knew that he loved me then. I knew I was falling hard for that man then. I knew if the sex was good and it was great... I was in trouble.
Still completely in shock a whopping 10 days from our first FaceTime conversation- the L word had come out of his mouth. I hugged him and kissed and said I’m completely in love with you too and we are fucking morons.
The weekend was amazing. Wine country is stupid romantic. The food, drinks, and scenery. We are perfect and so happy. We get to the airport to come home and the internet to the entire airport had been knocked out so like 10 flights cancelled and 5 hours of delays with thousands of people missing flights.
He calmly rebooks us for the following day, finds and adorable Airbnb in old town Sacramento and takes me for Mexican food and margs. I was so amazed. No stress. Nothing he could do about the delay. He solved our problem and made the best of it. I could not ask for more.
Not to compare them as people but in contrast, when I was coming home from Europe and in line for customs with 45mins to get to my gate or miss my next flight, the world traveler was losing his shit. I mean cussing, blaming people around us for being slow, wanting to cut the line, it was embarrassing. I had a 300lb manchild throwing his at that point usual fit in an airport of strangers.
So my anxiety was high, knowing Mr Handyman has kids at home he wants to try and see and a company to run and fires to fight. He was so easy and calm and just kissed me and told me not to worry.
Where did this angel of a man come from and what kind of crack was his crazy ex smoking that she traded this lover in for a chance at private plane money and a bigger yacht? Thank you Jesus for other people’s stupidity. I know for a fact no amount of money is worth losing this man.
We have had a wonderful holiday together. I have loved knowing him and loving him and I see a future and I am not in a rush. It’s all in gods hands and on his timing. I just thank him every day that I get to have him in my life. That he loves me well and loved me fast and wants me to be happy and sees a life with me in the future too.
Plus he has abs. I thank god for those abs too.
Friday, December 27, 2019
My Weighted Blanket
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT MY DAY... As always, I gotta catch you up before I get to the story part. New boyfriend, who dis... yup. Record time. I don’t even get embarrassed about my turnaround on who I’m dating any more. And that’s not the point of this post; we can get into that later.
New man - Mr. Handyman - I’ve had that name picked out since we started talking... He is pretty much the man of my dreams and today solidified that in my mind.
Mr. Handyman has an ex wife a lot like my 2nd husband. A Kardashian marriage. The whole relationship to engagement and marriage couldn’t have been two whole years. The marriage was over before the 1st anniversary and she was banging his business partner and friends throughout it all. So to say that I understand this, that’s an understatement: I lived this.
Just like my ex, the divorce is going to be longer than the marriage was and it all has to do with assets. But it’s over and I can say that confidently and break my “never date a man going through a divorce” rule because he literally signed a court document that said he will never have his children around her. I mean it’s over when you would have to give up your kids for a crazy person... but I digress.
TODAY! We were at the car dealership. He needs a new truck for work so we found a super nice gmc for him. While we were looking he said, I wish Chucks mistress would let me refi the 2018 Ford F-250 platinum. She is threatening to file bankruptcy and that would be so much easier. So I said honestly, you should ask her.
So he texts and one million text responses come in about anything but the truck and if that’s an option. Him to take the debt over and leave her off of it. Nope. She wants to be sure he knows how he will never love anyone like her and blah blah how great she is and just normal narcissistic cheater/victim mentality vitriol.
I HATE THIS. I know it’s way over. I know in a divorce the most patient person wins. I’m the one coaching him never to settle. But I HATE THIS! I know his kids are his world. I know he regrets the damage done to his Co parenting relationship with their mom. Like he’s not looking back. He wasn’t looking for me but he isn’t going back to her. Just ask the judge who signed off on the aforementioned custody agreement.
Regardless of how confident I am in that being in his past - those calls still give me anxiety. Chucks mistress refuses to answer the truck question via text and made him call. So he did and after a few minutes of trying to get a straight answer she finally told him to buy a new truck.
He returns to me and I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I encouraged the communication. I AM A BALL OF ANXIETY. Lump in my throat, racing heart rate, tears behind my eyes, and I could have vomited on command. This new man reads me well and he picks up on this immediately.
Ok, so we gotta back up one more time... last weekend we went to Napa for a romantic weekend. You know, ridiculous second dates are my thing. In Napa one morning laying in bed, I’m all anxious again. I was tossing and turning and I couldn’t get comfortable. I was laying on my stomach and he rolls on top of me. All his body weight on mine. He lets his weight go dead and just smashes me. He did this for probably 10 mins and I basically fell back asleep.
Later in the day I explained that, that physical contact has some science behind it. That the brain releases chemicals that are calming like a really intense hug. It’s the reason weighted blankets are all the rage. If you are anxiety prone. Knowing this is a game changer.
So back to today, I’m a ball of stress, fear, anxiety and the story I’m telling myself is a whirlwind of illogical bullshit that is just furthering my frustration with his talk with chucks mistress.
He grabs me tight and hugs me hard, whispering in my ear: “I’m going to lay you down on that table right there and climb on top of you and just smash you. I think people may stare but when I tell them this is what I do to calm you down when you get all fidgety and anxious, it’ll be ok. I just need to smush you” In that moment I almost cried - he loves me so well.
But he’s right, when I get in my head and can’t control the story I’m telling myself - I need him to weigh me down and ground me. smash me.
I got a weighted blanket for Christmas and we call it stunt double Dave (his name... gasp) because he is better than being my person or my lobster - this man is my weighted blanket!!!
New man - Mr. Handyman - I’ve had that name picked out since we started talking... He is pretty much the man of my dreams and today solidified that in my mind.
Mr. Handyman has an ex wife a lot like my 2nd husband. A Kardashian marriage. The whole relationship to engagement and marriage couldn’t have been two whole years. The marriage was over before the 1st anniversary and she was banging his business partner and friends throughout it all. So to say that I understand this, that’s an understatement: I lived this.
Just like my ex, the divorce is going to be longer than the marriage was and it all has to do with assets. But it’s over and I can say that confidently and break my “never date a man going through a divorce” rule because he literally signed a court document that said he will never have his children around her. I mean it’s over when you would have to give up your kids for a crazy person... but I digress.
TODAY! We were at the car dealership. He needs a new truck for work so we found a super nice gmc for him. While we were looking he said, I wish Chucks mistress would let me refi the 2018 Ford F-250 platinum. She is threatening to file bankruptcy and that would be so much easier. So I said honestly, you should ask her.
So he texts and one million text responses come in about anything but the truck and if that’s an option. Him to take the debt over and leave her off of it. Nope. She wants to be sure he knows how he will never love anyone like her and blah blah how great she is and just normal narcissistic cheater/victim mentality vitriol.
I HATE THIS. I know it’s way over. I know in a divorce the most patient person wins. I’m the one coaching him never to settle. But I HATE THIS! I know his kids are his world. I know he regrets the damage done to his Co parenting relationship with their mom. Like he’s not looking back. He wasn’t looking for me but he isn’t going back to her. Just ask the judge who signed off on the aforementioned custody agreement.
Regardless of how confident I am in that being in his past - those calls still give me anxiety. Chucks mistress refuses to answer the truck question via text and made him call. So he did and after a few minutes of trying to get a straight answer she finally told him to buy a new truck.
He returns to me and I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I encouraged the communication. I AM A BALL OF ANXIETY. Lump in my throat, racing heart rate, tears behind my eyes, and I could have vomited on command. This new man reads me well and he picks up on this immediately.
Ok, so we gotta back up one more time... last weekend we went to Napa for a romantic weekend. You know, ridiculous second dates are my thing. In Napa one morning laying in bed, I’m all anxious again. I was tossing and turning and I couldn’t get comfortable. I was laying on my stomach and he rolls on top of me. All his body weight on mine. He lets his weight go dead and just smashes me. He did this for probably 10 mins and I basically fell back asleep.
Later in the day I explained that, that physical contact has some science behind it. That the brain releases chemicals that are calming like a really intense hug. It’s the reason weighted blankets are all the rage. If you are anxiety prone. Knowing this is a game changer.
So back to today, I’m a ball of stress, fear, anxiety and the story I’m telling myself is a whirlwind of illogical bullshit that is just furthering my frustration with his talk with chucks mistress.
He grabs me tight and hugs me hard, whispering in my ear: “I’m going to lay you down on that table right there and climb on top of you and just smash you. I think people may stare but when I tell them this is what I do to calm you down when you get all fidgety and anxious, it’ll be ok. I just need to smush you” In that moment I almost cried - he loves me so well.
But he’s right, when I get in my head and can’t control the story I’m telling myself - I need him to weigh me down and ground me. smash me.
I got a weighted blanket for Christmas and we call it stunt double Dave (his name... gasp) because he is better than being my person or my lobster - this man is my weighted blanket!!!
Saturday, December 14, 2019
It Wasn't Him....
YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.... I have a tendency to use that phrase to justify some crazy sh*t. Like that time I met a guy on Bumble talked to him for 30 days, was sooooo excited to meet him. Flew to Greece, spent 12 days running around the islands of Croatia and came home - not nearly as excited as I was when we were just FaceTiming every day.
You really get to know a person when you are traveling in a foreign country with over packed bags. It went from excitement and romantic - to me backing wayyyy off by like the 3rd day. We came home and I thought we might spend some time together, see if we could make things work but we just never quite got back in sync.
No matter how much talking and trying it was just too hard. It wasn't the easy fun relationship I had hoped for and the man that was all "life is what you make it," full of positivity, he wasn't really that person. It was petty fights, and no real communication afterward. I was talked over, mansplained, and outright ignored and then expected to act like nothing had happened.
I think my emotional maturity, my ability to communicate, the level of respect I require. We didn't align. He didn't have kids and he didn't really gel with my girl. I don't think he is a bad person and I would never ask him to change. He just wasn't my person. He wasn't what I thought I was getting and I am sure in some ways I wasn't what he thought either.
We made a 4 month run at a relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I know he is hurting. I know he misses me. I know he isn't wanting to get back out there. I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy but I just knew it wasn't going to work anymore. We are in different places, with different goals. We have very different personalities and no matter how hard we tried, it really was better off with us just moving forward on our own.
So whenever a relationship ends I like to reflect on it. Find the lessons, enjoy the good moments. Think of him fondly, send him light and love, respect the path we walked together and keep moving.
I had some personal changes during my season with the World Traveller. I made a massive career change right at the beginning. I left a position at a company I had been with for years. I hadn't felt stable there for probably 18 months or so, I hadn't been compensated in what I would deem as the most fair for landing them a monster piece of business. It was always "what have you done for me lately" and I was drained. I wasn't serving my customers well. I wasn't serving myself. It was very much like that meme that references you being replaced upon your death without a hiccup by big corporations and not killing yourself for "the Man" because it isn't worth it. Also, I heard a speaker I admire say, she had never met a really happy person that was miserable in their career. There is too much of your life spent working to hate what you do. So I left. I took on a new opportunity and I have never looked back.
My new job isn't the point here - the point is that change. Removing that instability. Finding something to feel really content doing - well it kind of changed my thinking about a lot of things. For one, I reflected on the last year. The fear of not having a life partner or a safety net. The fear of providing all on my own for my kid. The fear of the unknown. All of that was really really terrifying. But a year later - I survived. I made some changes, I learned to trust myself again. I got back into the swing of really living for myself and I decided that a relationship for the sake of just having someone there was not what I wanted. I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I finally felt like I was in a position not to settle.
So I took a good look at what I wanted in the next one and for the first time in a long time, I came back to God. I have been doing this my way for a long time and it has not been working. So this time, I want a spiritual leader, I want a Godly man. I want someone who knows who they are in the Lord, that is seeking him out. That is held accountable to his actions by a power much greater than me... than what I have to offer. I want a man seeking God first.
I have settled for "spiritual" or a believer that isn't feeding his soul every day, or every week. That isn't make that relationship a priority. I think it took my 20 years almost exactly to figure out that I was never going to make it without trusting God and seeking him myself.
See this new little job of mine has some pretty amazing clients. We are in the Faith Based Media sector for a lot of it. So coming back to my roots, coming back to the heart of worship, the prodigal child returning - so to speak. It is changing me. I can feel it changing me. Reading a verse and reflecting on all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. It is inspiring me. I am remembering how I really want to live. A life full of love and joy.
So the next man I let into my life, into my heart and invest a piece of my soul in - that man is going to be seeking God first.
You really get to know a person when you are traveling in a foreign country with over packed bags. It went from excitement and romantic - to me backing wayyyy off by like the 3rd day. We came home and I thought we might spend some time together, see if we could make things work but we just never quite got back in sync.
No matter how much talking and trying it was just too hard. It wasn't the easy fun relationship I had hoped for and the man that was all "life is what you make it," full of positivity, he wasn't really that person. It was petty fights, and no real communication afterward. I was talked over, mansplained, and outright ignored and then expected to act like nothing had happened.
I think my emotional maturity, my ability to communicate, the level of respect I require. We didn't align. He didn't have kids and he didn't really gel with my girl. I don't think he is a bad person and I would never ask him to change. He just wasn't my person. He wasn't what I thought I was getting and I am sure in some ways I wasn't what he thought either.
We made a 4 month run at a relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I know he is hurting. I know he misses me. I know he isn't wanting to get back out there. I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy but I just knew it wasn't going to work anymore. We are in different places, with different goals. We have very different personalities and no matter how hard we tried, it really was better off with us just moving forward on our own.
So whenever a relationship ends I like to reflect on it. Find the lessons, enjoy the good moments. Think of him fondly, send him light and love, respect the path we walked together and keep moving.
I had some personal changes during my season with the World Traveller. I made a massive career change right at the beginning. I left a position at a company I had been with for years. I hadn't felt stable there for probably 18 months or so, I hadn't been compensated in what I would deem as the most fair for landing them a monster piece of business. It was always "what have you done for me lately" and I was drained. I wasn't serving my customers well. I wasn't serving myself. It was very much like that meme that references you being replaced upon your death without a hiccup by big corporations and not killing yourself for "the Man" because it isn't worth it. Also, I heard a speaker I admire say, she had never met a really happy person that was miserable in their career. There is too much of your life spent working to hate what you do. So I left. I took on a new opportunity and I have never looked back.
My new job isn't the point here - the point is that change. Removing that instability. Finding something to feel really content doing - well it kind of changed my thinking about a lot of things. For one, I reflected on the last year. The fear of not having a life partner or a safety net. The fear of providing all on my own for my kid. The fear of the unknown. All of that was really really terrifying. But a year later - I survived. I made some changes, I learned to trust myself again. I got back into the swing of really living for myself and I decided that a relationship for the sake of just having someone there was not what I wanted. I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I finally felt like I was in a position not to settle.
So I took a good look at what I wanted in the next one and for the first time in a long time, I came back to God. I have been doing this my way for a long time and it has not been working. So this time, I want a spiritual leader, I want a Godly man. I want someone who knows who they are in the Lord, that is seeking him out. That is held accountable to his actions by a power much greater than me... than what I have to offer. I want a man seeking God first.
I have settled for "spiritual" or a believer that isn't feeding his soul every day, or every week. That isn't make that relationship a priority. I think it took my 20 years almost exactly to figure out that I was never going to make it without trusting God and seeking him myself.
See this new little job of mine has some pretty amazing clients. We are in the Faith Based Media sector for a lot of it. So coming back to my roots, coming back to the heart of worship, the prodigal child returning - so to speak. It is changing me. I can feel it changing me. Reading a verse and reflecting on all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. It is inspiring me. I am remembering how I really want to live. A life full of love and joy.
So the next man I let into my life, into my heart and invest a piece of my soul in - that man is going to be seeking God first.
Monday, September 16, 2019
So, I Dated A Sex Addict...
I USUALLY HAVE A TITLE IN MIND WHEN I START WRITING. My blog posts kind flow out of me. It's like telling a story to a good friend but this one feels different. It is time to tell the story of my abuse. Of years of lies and heartbreak. I need to share my story because I know I am not the only one.
It has been almost a year since I finally forced Picasso out of my life. The relationship lasted for three years but should have been over in the first two months. I was broken. I met Picasso online September 30, 2015. You might remember my husband left me over 4th of July for his office assistant he had been having an affair with for the majority of our marriage. I was going through a nasty divorce. Broken doesn't begin to describe what I was dealing with on the heels of him wrecking our lives. That is a story for another day...
Picasso was so adamant to meet me, he wanted me to come see him that day. I don't even know why I opened his message because he didn't have a picture. He said it was because he was from a small town and owned a business. I agreed to lunch in Stillwater the next day and we began talking non stop.
He sounded so perfect, he told me he had gone through a long divorce, from his wife of 13 years. That he gave up his horse farm, house and most other things to keep his business in tact. His ex wife was "crazy" and still wanted him back. He had an ex girlfriend that he was friends with, that use to work for him but they rarely spoke now. He was country and his daughter was a senior so his plan was to move back to grand lake where he was from when she graduated, so the long distance thing could be for a year.
Two months into this on a Sunday night after a weekend together, I had his phone in my hand and a text message from Lewis, comes up. I open it, and see that Lewis is clearly a woman, that he is lying to, that he is dating and telling her he is working when he is in town with me. I proceed to kick him out of my house.
But he is smooth and I was broken, he explains that it has been over, he doesn't know how to get away. He does care for her but doesn't see a future and he wants me. He picks me. She contacts me, she is devastated. She wanted to know how we met, she assumed it was online, she was right. I didn't tell her that but she was right. She warns me of what I am getting into and for the next couple of years would be a staple in my life. While he went back and forth between us. Mostly without me ever knowing.
That was the first incident. I started getting messages from his ex wife and her friends, they were pretty nice at first - you seem like you have your life together, keep your daughter away from this man. You have no idea what you are getting into, never put all your eggs in his basket.
Then the ones from women he was currently seeing started to come in, "Are you dating Picasso?" When I would respond with yes I would be sent their text messages. Fake Facebook profiles were created to send me info about where he was and who he was with. All of this he explained away by his crazy ex wife just wanting to ruin his life.
The women were a problem but somehow he convinced me it wasn't true, over and over, it wasn't true. But then the alcohol became the bigger problem. He said he never drank but he seemed to drink until he passed out every single night. Bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon.
He got drunk one night and we started arguing. I went to get my things out of his room, he blocked the door, still yelling. I started crying, where would I go. I was in Arkansas City, KS I literally knew no one. His daughter was at college. We had been drinking, where do I go. The fight escalates. He climbs on top of me wraps his hands around my neck and his eyes were dark and full of rage. I am smacking at his face, he snaps out of it and lets me up. Still trapped in this town, not able to drive home. I pack up my things, and cry on the couch until morning. I drove myself home and the apologies begin.
It isn't me, you know I wouldn't hurt you, I am sorry, I will stop drinking like that, I am so sorry, I love you. You are my world. Please let me see you.
This had happened another time, in the summer of 2016 at my house he accidentally elbowed me in the face in an argument by his truck. Then threw me up against my car, screaming he would kill me and holding the back of my neck. He left, we ended things and dated other people. He called and begged me to see him for months, I finally caved.
Things seemed to be getting better, he was working in Tulsa more, so we decided to get a house that was more comfortable for all of us. We moved in what we be "ours" in May of 2017.
August of 2017 we have our final physical altercation. Tuesday night, he gets drunk at the cigar box comes home, is on his phone, gets mad we start arguing. He started throwing things at me. First pillows, then whatever he can find, rips a painting that is hanging above the bed, puts two holes in the walls, and then takes the dresser drawer full of his clothes and chunks it at me, it shatters on me and the dresser legs.
I know how this goes. I warned him, if he didn't calm down I would call the police. I know not to let him near me. It was escalating, I just called. I walked outside he is screaming he will kill me, the dispatcher has it all recorded. I wait for the cops. They take him away.
One of the major fights was about where his cell phone was, I had no idea. I literally didn't, he was on it and then he put it somewhere. I went through the house with the officer and I swore up and down he was drunk and he had it somewhere but I hadn't touched his phone.
When he left I took my phone and called his until I finally found it. Hidden behind the nightstand. I opened it up, we always had each others passcode and as a show of trust, I was always allowed in his phone. After the other women stuff, it was the least he could do.This time there was an icon on his screen I did not recognize. Yahoo
In an email from an unidentified stranger, I had been told about an email address he stores all his hookups and prostitutes on, I never believed it but in this moment, I knew it was true. I open the app - and there it was 10 years of photos and videos of women. Notifications from an app Seeking Arrangements about messages. I download the app, log into it with the email, 100s of messages, using the name Aaron Waters, different career lies, pharmaceutical sales rep, horse ranch owner, all kinds of things. Picasso is in jail for the night and I am uncovering a world I could never imagine.
In one hour the morning this all happened he responded to or sent 120 messages to women on the Seeking Arrangement website. I saw cash app receipts, venmo messages, he was paying for pictures and sex with strangers. He had photos of the women, in his bed, while he was having sex with them. I can still vividly remember the tattoos under one of their breasts and his dick inside her, while he snapped a photo of her and she covered her face. That cost $50 apparently. There was a fake number they would use, it was an app he paid for as well. All of these things he would delete off his phone systematically when he was home with me. So if I picked it up he was never at risk. They didn't have his real name, his real number or know anything about him.
I was up all night, and all day researching trying to understand. 120 messages in an hour begging for introductions, pictures, conversations, meet ups - this was a sickness. This is an addiction. The pictures and emails went back a decade. A full blown 10 years of this behavior. It obviously is what ruined his marriage, even if she never knew it. Threesomes, with the girlfriend that worked for him that he apparently left his wife for. It was all there.
I kicked him out, he stayed in a hotel. I wanted him gone.
He begged, he pleaded. We had a life together, a house, building a business for him here. I was his family now, he loved our daughters together. He was so sorry. He will get help. It is a disease.
I know just enough psychology to be dangerous. He was right, this was an addiction. He had literally rewired his brain to need this sexual deviancy to feel pleasure. Regular sex didn't do it for him the way random sex did. The need to have many women wanting him, some of them thought they could date him, and they didn't even know his real name.
He begs me to see a counselor with him, he finds one that specializes in sex addiction and recovery. I agree.
We go and I am head first diving into his trauma, his inability to create true intimacy, his lies, he childhood, his addiction. We set a plan: one year, therapy, Sex Addict Anonymous Group for him, both seeing therapists, couples counseling and he agrees to lie detector tests.
My therapist and I sit down and in our first meeting she asks me obvious questions. I am young, attractive, successful, with my whole life together, why save this. All I can muster is I love him, I see the illness side of this and I am hoping he can get help. She says a few other important things to me this day. Lets not worry about getting him help, lets help you, so that in a year, if this isn't working you are all whole and healed and ready to move on. We will focus on you, your patterns, what you need to work on, and the PTSD because I was dealing with some massive PTSD after all of this.
FIFTEEN MONTHS go by, some good some rocky. About every 60 days, I kick him out for a day or two because he isn't going to counseling, or group, and he still hasn't taken the lie detector. In this time, I had created some really healthy boundaries for myself. Because I was not suppose to trust someone who kept hurting me and not doing what they said. I had outlined what would make me walk away and never look back. Written it down. Told him.
OSU homecoming weekend - end of October 2018. Such a good weekend, I had family Christmas photos scheduled at the Christmas Tree Farm. His daughter was coming home to have dinner and take pictures with us. Everyone was excited. On the drive from Stillwater to Tulsa, I get a message. Rayna- Are you Picassos girlfriend?
By girlfriend, if you mean live in life partner, that works with him in business, and raises our kids together, joint bank accounts, and a whole life recognized as a marriage by most who know us, yes - I am his GIRLFRIEND.
I turn to him, having been here before and I ask who she is... He makes up some story. I tell him to listen to me very carefully: If you lie to me now, we are over. If you do not have the decency to tell me to my face what I am about to see, we are over. You have one shot here. One chance and it is the truth. Tell me the truth. You know what she is about to send me. You know what she is going to say and what you have done/said to her. Tell me to my face, don't let this woman be the one to tell me. Man up.
Lies.
I get the screenshots of their most recent messages. He offered to fly her for the weekend to Louisville where he had been on a project. Where I had just been with him for a weekend. He told her he wanted to be with her, that he loved her.
Remember those boundaries I had created that I would walk away, they were pretty lean. I would have worked through anything but two things: him lying to my face when confronted in a situation just like this, and if he ever told another woman he loved her.
I love you is sacred. If he can rattle off I love you to every literal hooker that was getting money out of him to send him pictures or keep his secrets then what does I love you mean, when he says it to me. If you love her, you do NOT love me.
After a tense drive, we pull into the driveway, I tell him to grab a bag and what he needs for the night and leave, do not make a scene. My parents were swinging by with Maddie and props for our Christmas Photos scheduled for 2 hours from now. I call his 20 year old daughter and give her a very abridged version of why we would not be taking photos together and that he was moving out. She understood.
That was the end. I never looked back. I didn't cry or shed a single pound in the break up diet. It was done. It was a relief. It was 15 months of hell and fear of messages, and strange calls. It was 3 years of manipulation, it was physical abuse, it was mental abuse. It was being told "I didn't actually deserve a good guy" that I got him because he was the best I could do. It was him stripping me of my security, my sexuality, our intimacy and me hating myself for it. Hating what I had become. The person that put up with all of it, the idiot that wasted 3 years of my life. I still get mad. I still want to reach out and tell him what kind of a monster he is... But I have to believe he knows what he lost. I have to realize his demons didn't disappear because I was gone. He is not a changed person. I was not the problem. The years of sexual addiction stared a decade before I ever met him. It was probably a lifetime of this behavior in one facet or another. I can't own it. I have to forgive myself for the time wasted, the lessons I learned the hard way. I had to let go and move on....
But if you are dealing with this, with any of this. You aren't alone. You don't have to live it behind closed doors and put on the happy face. You don't have to find happiness in escaping your life by traveling or shopping or whatever else gives you instant gratification. You don't have to ignore what he is doing to keep your life together. I thank God that he finally made me see what I didn't want to face. That he forced me to understand my reality and on a day where I had to take pictures with just my daughter to document the moment forever. The day I finally forced the toxic man out of my life for good, is embodied in the most perfect mother daughter photos I have ever taken.
Be strong. You are loved. You are worthy. It is not your fault.
It has been almost a year since I finally forced Picasso out of my life. The relationship lasted for three years but should have been over in the first two months. I was broken. I met Picasso online September 30, 2015. You might remember my husband left me over 4th of July for his office assistant he had been having an affair with for the majority of our marriage. I was going through a nasty divorce. Broken doesn't begin to describe what I was dealing with on the heels of him wrecking our lives. That is a story for another day...
Picasso was so adamant to meet me, he wanted me to come see him that day. I don't even know why I opened his message because he didn't have a picture. He said it was because he was from a small town and owned a business. I agreed to lunch in Stillwater the next day and we began talking non stop.
He sounded so perfect, he told me he had gone through a long divorce, from his wife of 13 years. That he gave up his horse farm, house and most other things to keep his business in tact. His ex wife was "crazy" and still wanted him back. He had an ex girlfriend that he was friends with, that use to work for him but they rarely spoke now. He was country and his daughter was a senior so his plan was to move back to grand lake where he was from when she graduated, so the long distance thing could be for a year.
Two months into this on a Sunday night after a weekend together, I had his phone in my hand and a text message from Lewis, comes up. I open it, and see that Lewis is clearly a woman, that he is lying to, that he is dating and telling her he is working when he is in town with me. I proceed to kick him out of my house.
But he is smooth and I was broken, he explains that it has been over, he doesn't know how to get away. He does care for her but doesn't see a future and he wants me. He picks me. She contacts me, she is devastated. She wanted to know how we met, she assumed it was online, she was right. I didn't tell her that but she was right. She warns me of what I am getting into and for the next couple of years would be a staple in my life. While he went back and forth between us. Mostly without me ever knowing.
That was the first incident. I started getting messages from his ex wife and her friends, they were pretty nice at first - you seem like you have your life together, keep your daughter away from this man. You have no idea what you are getting into, never put all your eggs in his basket.
Then the ones from women he was currently seeing started to come in, "Are you dating Picasso?" When I would respond with yes I would be sent their text messages. Fake Facebook profiles were created to send me info about where he was and who he was with. All of this he explained away by his crazy ex wife just wanting to ruin his life.
The women were a problem but somehow he convinced me it wasn't true, over and over, it wasn't true. But then the alcohol became the bigger problem. He said he never drank but he seemed to drink until he passed out every single night. Bourbon. Lots and lots of bourbon.
He got drunk one night and we started arguing. I went to get my things out of his room, he blocked the door, still yelling. I started crying, where would I go. I was in Arkansas City, KS I literally knew no one. His daughter was at college. We had been drinking, where do I go. The fight escalates. He climbs on top of me wraps his hands around my neck and his eyes were dark and full of rage. I am smacking at his face, he snaps out of it and lets me up. Still trapped in this town, not able to drive home. I pack up my things, and cry on the couch until morning. I drove myself home and the apologies begin.
It isn't me, you know I wouldn't hurt you, I am sorry, I will stop drinking like that, I am so sorry, I love you. You are my world. Please let me see you.
This had happened another time, in the summer of 2016 at my house he accidentally elbowed me in the face in an argument by his truck. Then threw me up against my car, screaming he would kill me and holding the back of my neck. He left, we ended things and dated other people. He called and begged me to see him for months, I finally caved.
Things seemed to be getting better, he was working in Tulsa more, so we decided to get a house that was more comfortable for all of us. We moved in what we be "ours" in May of 2017.
August of 2017 we have our final physical altercation. Tuesday night, he gets drunk at the cigar box comes home, is on his phone, gets mad we start arguing. He started throwing things at me. First pillows, then whatever he can find, rips a painting that is hanging above the bed, puts two holes in the walls, and then takes the dresser drawer full of his clothes and chunks it at me, it shatters on me and the dresser legs.
I know how this goes. I warned him, if he didn't calm down I would call the police. I know not to let him near me. It was escalating, I just called. I walked outside he is screaming he will kill me, the dispatcher has it all recorded. I wait for the cops. They take him away.
One of the major fights was about where his cell phone was, I had no idea. I literally didn't, he was on it and then he put it somewhere. I went through the house with the officer and I swore up and down he was drunk and he had it somewhere but I hadn't touched his phone.
When he left I took my phone and called his until I finally found it. Hidden behind the nightstand. I opened it up, we always had each others passcode and as a show of trust, I was always allowed in his phone. After the other women stuff, it was the least he could do.This time there was an icon on his screen I did not recognize. Yahoo
In an email from an unidentified stranger, I had been told about an email address he stores all his hookups and prostitutes on, I never believed it but in this moment, I knew it was true. I open the app - and there it was 10 years of photos and videos of women. Notifications from an app Seeking Arrangements about messages. I download the app, log into it with the email, 100s of messages, using the name Aaron Waters, different career lies, pharmaceutical sales rep, horse ranch owner, all kinds of things. Picasso is in jail for the night and I am uncovering a world I could never imagine.
In one hour the morning this all happened he responded to or sent 120 messages to women on the Seeking Arrangement website. I saw cash app receipts, venmo messages, he was paying for pictures and sex with strangers. He had photos of the women, in his bed, while he was having sex with them. I can still vividly remember the tattoos under one of their breasts and his dick inside her, while he snapped a photo of her and she covered her face. That cost $50 apparently. There was a fake number they would use, it was an app he paid for as well. All of these things he would delete off his phone systematically when he was home with me. So if I picked it up he was never at risk. They didn't have his real name, his real number or know anything about him.
I was up all night, and all day researching trying to understand. 120 messages in an hour begging for introductions, pictures, conversations, meet ups - this was a sickness. This is an addiction. The pictures and emails went back a decade. A full blown 10 years of this behavior. It obviously is what ruined his marriage, even if she never knew it. Threesomes, with the girlfriend that worked for him that he apparently left his wife for. It was all there.
I kicked him out, he stayed in a hotel. I wanted him gone.
He begged, he pleaded. We had a life together, a house, building a business for him here. I was his family now, he loved our daughters together. He was so sorry. He will get help. It is a disease.
I know just enough psychology to be dangerous. He was right, this was an addiction. He had literally rewired his brain to need this sexual deviancy to feel pleasure. Regular sex didn't do it for him the way random sex did. The need to have many women wanting him, some of them thought they could date him, and they didn't even know his real name.
He begs me to see a counselor with him, he finds one that specializes in sex addiction and recovery. I agree.
We go and I am head first diving into his trauma, his inability to create true intimacy, his lies, he childhood, his addiction. We set a plan: one year, therapy, Sex Addict Anonymous Group for him, both seeing therapists, couples counseling and he agrees to lie detector tests.
My therapist and I sit down and in our first meeting she asks me obvious questions. I am young, attractive, successful, with my whole life together, why save this. All I can muster is I love him, I see the illness side of this and I am hoping he can get help. She says a few other important things to me this day. Lets not worry about getting him help, lets help you, so that in a year, if this isn't working you are all whole and healed and ready to move on. We will focus on you, your patterns, what you need to work on, and the PTSD because I was dealing with some massive PTSD after all of this.
FIFTEEN MONTHS go by, some good some rocky. About every 60 days, I kick him out for a day or two because he isn't going to counseling, or group, and he still hasn't taken the lie detector. In this time, I had created some really healthy boundaries for myself. Because I was not suppose to trust someone who kept hurting me and not doing what they said. I had outlined what would make me walk away and never look back. Written it down. Told him.
OSU homecoming weekend - end of October 2018. Such a good weekend, I had family Christmas photos scheduled at the Christmas Tree Farm. His daughter was coming home to have dinner and take pictures with us. Everyone was excited. On the drive from Stillwater to Tulsa, I get a message. Rayna- Are you Picassos girlfriend?
By girlfriend, if you mean live in life partner, that works with him in business, and raises our kids together, joint bank accounts, and a whole life recognized as a marriage by most who know us, yes - I am his GIRLFRIEND.
I turn to him, having been here before and I ask who she is... He makes up some story. I tell him to listen to me very carefully: If you lie to me now, we are over. If you do not have the decency to tell me to my face what I am about to see, we are over. You have one shot here. One chance and it is the truth. Tell me the truth. You know what she is about to send me. You know what she is going to say and what you have done/said to her. Tell me to my face, don't let this woman be the one to tell me. Man up.
Lies.
I get the screenshots of their most recent messages. He offered to fly her for the weekend to Louisville where he had been on a project. Where I had just been with him for a weekend. He told her he wanted to be with her, that he loved her.
Remember those boundaries I had created that I would walk away, they were pretty lean. I would have worked through anything but two things: him lying to my face when confronted in a situation just like this, and if he ever told another woman he loved her.
I love you is sacred. If he can rattle off I love you to every literal hooker that was getting money out of him to send him pictures or keep his secrets then what does I love you mean, when he says it to me. If you love her, you do NOT love me.
After a tense drive, we pull into the driveway, I tell him to grab a bag and what he needs for the night and leave, do not make a scene. My parents were swinging by with Maddie and props for our Christmas Photos scheduled for 2 hours from now. I call his 20 year old daughter and give her a very abridged version of why we would not be taking photos together and that he was moving out. She understood.
That was the end. I never looked back. I didn't cry or shed a single pound in the break up diet. It was done. It was a relief. It was 15 months of hell and fear of messages, and strange calls. It was 3 years of manipulation, it was physical abuse, it was mental abuse. It was being told "I didn't actually deserve a good guy" that I got him because he was the best I could do. It was him stripping me of my security, my sexuality, our intimacy and me hating myself for it. Hating what I had become. The person that put up with all of it, the idiot that wasted 3 years of my life. I still get mad. I still want to reach out and tell him what kind of a monster he is... But I have to believe he knows what he lost. I have to realize his demons didn't disappear because I was gone. He is not a changed person. I was not the problem. The years of sexual addiction stared a decade before I ever met him. It was probably a lifetime of this behavior in one facet or another. I can't own it. I have to forgive myself for the time wasted, the lessons I learned the hard way. I had to let go and move on....
But if you are dealing with this, with any of this. You aren't alone. You don't have to live it behind closed doors and put on the happy face. You don't have to find happiness in escaping your life by traveling or shopping or whatever else gives you instant gratification. You don't have to ignore what he is doing to keep your life together. I thank God that he finally made me see what I didn't want to face. That he forced me to understand my reality and on a day where I had to take pictures with just my daughter to document the moment forever. The day I finally forced the toxic man out of my life for good, is embodied in the most perfect mother daughter photos I have ever taken.
Be strong. You are loved. You are worthy. It is not your fault.
Wednesday, July 24, 2019
I've Met HIM, I Have Really Met Him, Well... I Haven't Actually Met Him Yet.
I PROBABLY OWE YOU SOME CLOSURE on the Fireman... Turns out, not the love of my life. But it was an eye opening few weeks. He is a good one. One of the very few good ones and I think I placed so much emphasis on how important that is for me moving forward in relationships that I forgot, we should probably be compatible too.
Well we aren't. He was all netflix and chill, dinners in, working out, and a three beer max. I think we would have continued having fun doing things we both enjoyed. But long term, it wasn't there. He knew it. I knew it but would have let it drag on longer but it was never going to work. I am A LOT for someone. A whole heck of a lot. I like to go, go, go. You gotta keep up.... He will be a good friend some day.
So back into the world of online dating I went. Swiping right, getting matches, witty banter, see what sticks, who jumps out, and there he was... my newest interest.
I almost missed it. I had gone on a few dates with someone else, nice guy. Not sure how I felt about him... He was still online, so I was too.
But I read this and it stops me:
46/Travel Director/Meeting Planner at Self Employed. Traveler, Love the mountains as much as the ocean. 6'3". Ex-College football player. Country boy from the farm, working in a business world... Work takes me around the world. Home base is Tulsa.
I messaged him, boldly: I am so interested in getting to know you! Travelling country boy in the business world. Sign me up! LOL
All I got back was a hi.
So I said Hey...
"Not sure where to begin. So I will tell you about me. I'm Sunshine. I have a 16 year old daughter and since she'll be off to college in two short years I probably ought to get back out there or start buying cats."
The back and forth begins both of us taking time between the other, certainly texting a handful of people. I guess I waited a while and got a "something I said" message. Which honestly I had just gotten busy. But we got into a convo about work and from there it just kept going.
This man has me thinking. The more we talk, the more questions I ask the more boxes he checks. The more I stalk his social media and I am exposed to his character the more boxes he is checking.
So I decided I needed to write it down. What do I want? What is my ideal man. The man of my dreams. I have made this list in my head a million times, it has evolved over time with my life experiences, and I tick through it every time I meet someone new, it's crazy how detailed I am but I feel like I will find him. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MAN:
I am in love with the country. I want a little piece of land with a porch swing and the stars. I want a man with some working man hands. I'm not specific, I don't need a cowboy but if he understands, bull riding and horse training, cattle, wants to hunt, fish, camp, load his big truck bed full of pillows and take me under the stars in the middle of no where - listens to country love songs and makes me feel like he is a strong steadfast, grounded man of moral and value... I am IN. I want a country man.
BUT I WANT MORE... I want a business man, that knows his way around clients. Customer events, is polished, educated, outgoing, confident, and well rounded enough to carry on a conversation with a super nerdy IT guy. Someone with ambition and drive. That wears a suit and can command a room.
I want a passion for travel and adventure, some one that wants to see the world. To experience new cultures, new things and run around with me. That is just as comfortable in a major metropolis as he is on the backside of a mountain with no cell service.
I want someone with a thirst for knowledge, with goals, with an entrepreneurial spirit. That sees me. That digs in and sees my worth and what I bring to the table and they want that. They want to work with that, I want to build something with someone. A business, a home, a platform. I want to dig in and get dirty with the love of my life and accomplish something.
I want a big tall, beefy, man. An athletic man. A man that grew up playing sports and understands discipline. I want a man that will push me to be the healthiest version of myself but loves me soft too. I want a man that will watch football, basketball, baseball, golf, the pbr, and the Olympics. That wants to experience and enjoys the competitive nature of sports. If he is tall with a beard that is a bonus too.
I want a lover of music and the arts. That can listen to every genre and find the beauty in all of it. A love of country music is a must because I need someone to dance me when i need dancing. Two Step me around a country bar or maybe just our kitchen island when we have had too much wine and we feel all in love with each other like it is the very first time.
I want a man that kisses me and it takes my breath away. That I pause in the moment after because I still feel it. I still feel that between us and I want a man that will never stop kissing me. That kisses my forehead when he leaves for work and I am still in bed. That holds my hand pretty much all the time. That touches my back and introduces me always and is PROUD. Like damn proud that I am his and he is mine. I want the affection.
And I want the sex. I want passion, I want it all the time. I want us to never give it up. I want to buy sexy panties and I want to send him dirty messages. I want to know I can turn him on, on the other side of the world. I want him to know me. All of me, intimately, and that we become one on a level we have never ever had with anyone else. I want to be open and I want to be consumed. I want to be his.
I want it all. I want the final love with an imperfect person that can handle, the tears I have just praying and manifesting that he is ON HIS WAY TO ME. That he can handle the ugly. The broken shattered parts of me. The cracks of love past that have made me who I am. The healing I have done and the brokenness, I have experienced. I want a man that can take all of that and be sure without a shadow of a doubt I am secure, I know I am loved, I am his, and he is never giving up what so many others took for granted. I want a love so strong it heals the deepest parts of me I still haven't been able to fix on my own.
I want this man so much I ache for him. I can't explain it. But I have this desire for this partner, this specific person. That I have never let myself feel before. My life is rapidly changing. My daughter, my anchor, she's getting her wings. The angel baby is about to stop blessing just this house and go bless the whole damn world. AND IT IS TIME. It is time that I look, that I search, that I don't settle for convenient, or easy or most of the man I am describing but I find HIM. The one my soul is seeking.
I want a man of integrity, of faith. That prays for me. That believes in me. That puts family first. That has a respect for my family but also his own. That wants to fold deeply into my tribe, of people who love me. He also wants me deep within his and I want us to be a strong pillar that our families can always rely upon.
I want this man to be a force. A gentle giant, a brilliant, sarcastic, hilarious, lover of my soul. That sees me and I am the ONLY one in the room for just a second. I want to take his breath away because this man - this man is everything to me. He lights me up, he sparks my joy, he inspires me to get up and work my ass off to make every single dream come true, not just for us but for everyone we touch.
I am trying so hard to be patient for you. I think I will know immediately that you are mine. I push and I desire and I worry. But this man, he will get this... He will someday read this and say before you ever met me you knew me. You manifested the love you wanted and I was created.... most likely before I was ever born because I like an older maturity in a man. I believe I am an old soul, and he will be too.
I just want you now. I want you to be all of this. I want you while Maddie is still home so you can learn to love the most important part of me. So you can have a relationship with her too. So she can fold into us because she is so important. I want you here because I want you to cheer her on as she accomplishes these next few milestones. As we look for colleges, competes at state and nationals in a sport she loves but may not continue, as the first boyfriend crushes her heart, or better yet she breaks his. I want you here for the hard messy stuff. Because I want you to love her like she was your own, and support her like you do me. But also because she deserves to see this. This once in a lifetime, I have waited for you for a thousand years and walked a million miles and made it to the other side to get to you kind of love. That is somehow still simple and somehow so undeniable people literally feel it when they meet us.
I want her to see that all my mistakes, all the heartbreak, all the exes, were worth getting to you. Becoming the unbreakable, hard ass, that can do it all: buy her car, pay for her pom, take her on trips, make a good living, maintain a gorgeous house, that has gotten up every single time a man has knocked her down. I want her to see you and go damn, that is what its all about. Being someone's person but not because you need them but because your soul deeply desires them. Because I have already a built a full wonderful life on my own. I want her to see there is more than making all your own dreams come true, some one to share it all with is important too.
I have made a lot of mistakes in relationships, I have chosen a lot of bad guys. I have forgiven far more than I should but I think I finally figured out exactly who you are and I am ready.... I am ready to meet you in some fairy tale way that someday we tell our grand kids. The way my grandparents sat me down and told me how they fell in love and how my grandpa always knew it was her. She married someone else first but it was always her... I want that. I want you.
So maybe just maybe this tall bald man on the other side of the world will end up being this man. I don't know yet but I am hopeful, we shall see.
There are tears in my eyes and a rawness in my words, and a hope in my heart.
If it isn't him, that's ok. I know he is coming. I will find him someday.
Well we aren't. He was all netflix and chill, dinners in, working out, and a three beer max. I think we would have continued having fun doing things we both enjoyed. But long term, it wasn't there. He knew it. I knew it but would have let it drag on longer but it was never going to work. I am A LOT for someone. A whole heck of a lot. I like to go, go, go. You gotta keep up.... He will be a good friend some day.
So back into the world of online dating I went. Swiping right, getting matches, witty banter, see what sticks, who jumps out, and there he was... my newest interest.
I almost missed it. I had gone on a few dates with someone else, nice guy. Not sure how I felt about him... He was still online, so I was too.
But I read this and it stops me:
46/Travel Director/Meeting Planner at Self Employed. Traveler, Love the mountains as much as the ocean. 6'3". Ex-College football player. Country boy from the farm, working in a business world... Work takes me around the world. Home base is Tulsa.
I messaged him, boldly: I am so interested in getting to know you! Travelling country boy in the business world. Sign me up! LOL
All I got back was a hi.
So I said Hey...
"Not sure where to begin. So I will tell you about me. I'm Sunshine. I have a 16 year old daughter and since she'll be off to college in two short years I probably ought to get back out there or start buying cats."
The back and forth begins both of us taking time between the other, certainly texting a handful of people. I guess I waited a while and got a "something I said" message. Which honestly I had just gotten busy. But we got into a convo about work and from there it just kept going.
This man has me thinking. The more we talk, the more questions I ask the more boxes he checks. The more I stalk his social media and I am exposed to his character the more boxes he is checking.
So I decided I needed to write it down. What do I want? What is my ideal man. The man of my dreams. I have made this list in my head a million times, it has evolved over time with my life experiences, and I tick through it every time I meet someone new, it's crazy how detailed I am but I feel like I will find him. LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY MAN:
I am in love with the country. I want a little piece of land with a porch swing and the stars. I want a man with some working man hands. I'm not specific, I don't need a cowboy but if he understands, bull riding and horse training, cattle, wants to hunt, fish, camp, load his big truck bed full of pillows and take me under the stars in the middle of no where - listens to country love songs and makes me feel like he is a strong steadfast, grounded man of moral and value... I am IN. I want a country man.
BUT I WANT MORE... I want a business man, that knows his way around clients. Customer events, is polished, educated, outgoing, confident, and well rounded enough to carry on a conversation with a super nerdy IT guy. Someone with ambition and drive. That wears a suit and can command a room.
I want a passion for travel and adventure, some one that wants to see the world. To experience new cultures, new things and run around with me. That is just as comfortable in a major metropolis as he is on the backside of a mountain with no cell service.
I want someone with a thirst for knowledge, with goals, with an entrepreneurial spirit. That sees me. That digs in and sees my worth and what I bring to the table and they want that. They want to work with that, I want to build something with someone. A business, a home, a platform. I want to dig in and get dirty with the love of my life and accomplish something.
I want a big tall, beefy, man. An athletic man. A man that grew up playing sports and understands discipline. I want a man that will push me to be the healthiest version of myself but loves me soft too. I want a man that will watch football, basketball, baseball, golf, the pbr, and the Olympics. That wants to experience and enjoys the competitive nature of sports. If he is tall with a beard that is a bonus too.
I want a lover of music and the arts. That can listen to every genre and find the beauty in all of it. A love of country music is a must because I need someone to dance me when i need dancing. Two Step me around a country bar or maybe just our kitchen island when we have had too much wine and we feel all in love with each other like it is the very first time.
I want a man that kisses me and it takes my breath away. That I pause in the moment after because I still feel it. I still feel that between us and I want a man that will never stop kissing me. That kisses my forehead when he leaves for work and I am still in bed. That holds my hand pretty much all the time. That touches my back and introduces me always and is PROUD. Like damn proud that I am his and he is mine. I want the affection.
And I want the sex. I want passion, I want it all the time. I want us to never give it up. I want to buy sexy panties and I want to send him dirty messages. I want to know I can turn him on, on the other side of the world. I want him to know me. All of me, intimately, and that we become one on a level we have never ever had with anyone else. I want to be open and I want to be consumed. I want to be his.
I want it all. I want the final love with an imperfect person that can handle, the tears I have just praying and manifesting that he is ON HIS WAY TO ME. That he can handle the ugly. The broken shattered parts of me. The cracks of love past that have made me who I am. The healing I have done and the brokenness, I have experienced. I want a man that can take all of that and be sure without a shadow of a doubt I am secure, I know I am loved, I am his, and he is never giving up what so many others took for granted. I want a love so strong it heals the deepest parts of me I still haven't been able to fix on my own.
I want this man so much I ache for him. I can't explain it. But I have this desire for this partner, this specific person. That I have never let myself feel before. My life is rapidly changing. My daughter, my anchor, she's getting her wings. The angel baby is about to stop blessing just this house and go bless the whole damn world. AND IT IS TIME. It is time that I look, that I search, that I don't settle for convenient, or easy or most of the man I am describing but I find HIM. The one my soul is seeking.
I want a man of integrity, of faith. That prays for me. That believes in me. That puts family first. That has a respect for my family but also his own. That wants to fold deeply into my tribe, of people who love me. He also wants me deep within his and I want us to be a strong pillar that our families can always rely upon.
I want this man to be a force. A gentle giant, a brilliant, sarcastic, hilarious, lover of my soul. That sees me and I am the ONLY one in the room for just a second. I want to take his breath away because this man - this man is everything to me. He lights me up, he sparks my joy, he inspires me to get up and work my ass off to make every single dream come true, not just for us but for everyone we touch.
I am trying so hard to be patient for you. I think I will know immediately that you are mine. I push and I desire and I worry. But this man, he will get this... He will someday read this and say before you ever met me you knew me. You manifested the love you wanted and I was created.... most likely before I was ever born because I like an older maturity in a man. I believe I am an old soul, and he will be too.
I just want you now. I want you to be all of this. I want you while Maddie is still home so you can learn to love the most important part of me. So you can have a relationship with her too. So she can fold into us because she is so important. I want you here because I want you to cheer her on as she accomplishes these next few milestones. As we look for colleges, competes at state and nationals in a sport she loves but may not continue, as the first boyfriend crushes her heart, or better yet she breaks his. I want you here for the hard messy stuff. Because I want you to love her like she was your own, and support her like you do me. But also because she deserves to see this. This once in a lifetime, I have waited for you for a thousand years and walked a million miles and made it to the other side to get to you kind of love. That is somehow still simple and somehow so undeniable people literally feel it when they meet us.
I want her to see that all my mistakes, all the heartbreak, all the exes, were worth getting to you. Becoming the unbreakable, hard ass, that can do it all: buy her car, pay for her pom, take her on trips, make a good living, maintain a gorgeous house, that has gotten up every single time a man has knocked her down. I want her to see you and go damn, that is what its all about. Being someone's person but not because you need them but because your soul deeply desires them. Because I have already a built a full wonderful life on my own. I want her to see there is more than making all your own dreams come true, some one to share it all with is important too.
I have made a lot of mistakes in relationships, I have chosen a lot of bad guys. I have forgiven far more than I should but I think I finally figured out exactly who you are and I am ready.... I am ready to meet you in some fairy tale way that someday we tell our grand kids. The way my grandparents sat me down and told me how they fell in love and how my grandpa always knew it was her. She married someone else first but it was always her... I want that. I want you.
So maybe just maybe this tall bald man on the other side of the world will end up being this man. I don't know yet but I am hopeful, we shall see.
There are tears in my eyes and a rawness in my words, and a hope in my heart.
If it isn't him, that's ok. I know he is coming. I will find him someday.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
They Call Him The Fireman
I GREW UP IN A FIRE STATION. My dad was class of 1990 joining the Tulsa Fire Department when I was 6 years old. He has 30 years of "Fighting Fires and Saving Lives" come this next February and is considering retirement.
My dad and I have always had an interesting relationship. We are pretty similar which has led to some pretty major clashes over the years but one thing that has always been consistent is how proud I am to be his #1 baby girl.
I loved the station as a kid. Heck, I loved it as an adult. I would go weekly if not more to have lunch or dinner with him and the guys. I got in water fights with firefighter, learned to play Texas hold 'em, got to watch HBO because we didn't have it at home growing up. I knew the station phone number by heart from the time he joined and actually recited it accurately this last week.
Some of my favorite memories and close friends are Fireman. More than one car emergency has been handled by an Engine from a nearby station. Water to my house turned off when a pipe busted, there were even a few that helped me move out of my first husbands house at 22 and into my own apartment.
The one rule I have always had for myself was I WILL NEVER DATE A FIREMAN. It wasn't because they were bad guys, although I knew a few of them to be less than desirable life partners at moments of their lives. It wasn't that my dad didn't want me to, he has never told me who to date or been overly involved in my love life. I just never wanted him to have to hear about his little girl dating a co worker in the big fraternity that is the Fire Department.
Well wouldn't you know 30 years in a fire station and saying hi to more firefighters than I can count, I am breaking my own rule.
I met him at the Farmers Market. It was cute. We started talking, he is from a station downtown. Turns out we had some mutual friends. In fact, one of the aforementioned Firefighters that moved me out of my Fabulous Ex Husbands house at the ripe age of 22 worked closely with him, so I had a way to vet him.
He knew my dad and told a story of how they had a joke about "back when they were Navy Seals" at the station they both worked at several years back. So I decided to let the conversations continue and check him out.
The first call was to the mutual friend. He let me know that this was a GOOD GUY. Like a really good guy. I said to him "You know me! I only date assholes!" "What am I going to do with a god guy?" Sadly this was a pretty serious question... To which the response was "You need to date this guy, this is going to be a good change, this will be good for you." So with that advice from a trusted buddy, I decided i was going to see where this went.
My next convo, had to be with my father. Telling things to my good buddy, is kind of like taking out a billboard and announcing it to all who will listen. So instead of my dear old dad hearing this from anyone else, i figured it would be best to tell him myself.
"Dad, do you know, the Firefighter?"
"Well, yes. We both worked at station 23 but I don't know him well, why?..."
"I think I am going to date him."
"I have never told you who you can and cannot date, I am not going to start now. I hear he is a good guy and I just want you to be happy. "
That was easy...
So I am a few weeks in on dating a really good guy and I have to tell you it is unlike anything I have ever experienced.
Its considerate, he communicates well, he wants me to be healthy and happy. HE rubs my back and kisses my forehead. It isn't all about sex in fact that is even less of a focus for us than with anyone else. Don't get me wrong the attracting is insane and he is incredible. But it's conversations about growing up, raising kids, losing his parents, past relationships, future plans. Goals, dreams. He makes me want to keep a cleaner house, make the bed, get back in shape, drink less, work harder at my career, be better with money, focus on a future and what i contribute instead of what I can gain from my partner. He isn't overcompensating for lies and cheating. He just is who he is and I have never been in anything like this.
It is a struggle for me to not want to be all in, but for the first time in my life, I want to be patient. I want to let it develop. I want to see how we do with all the first seasons. I am facing some health issues and I don't want to burden him with that, but I also appreciate his support as I navigate through some pretty heavy stuff.
He is just a good good man. For the first time ever, it isn't presents and trips, fancy dinners and binge drinking. It's baseball games, dinner with my parents, swimming laps for hours, encouraging him as he trains for another Iron Man. Setting goals for myself of mini triathlons. Running and having sore muscles. Weekend nights without wine. Healthy cooking, interesting conversations, and a love of nature and history. He impresses me. He makes me believe I could be happy with a whole lot less. That i spent a lot of time dating narcissistic assholes until I finally found a man that was worth living up to my full potential for because he deserves nothing less.
I wanted to write today, sitting at the lake while he ran his few miles and biked for 2 hours. Because this is my love. This is what I want in the future, these are my goals to write, share my stories. Let you all know about how I struggled and then how I survived. I wanted to document the beginning because I am so excited about a future with this one.
But I always am... so as always.... We shall see.
My dad and I have always had an interesting relationship. We are pretty similar which has led to some pretty major clashes over the years but one thing that has always been consistent is how proud I am to be his #1 baby girl.
I loved the station as a kid. Heck, I loved it as an adult. I would go weekly if not more to have lunch or dinner with him and the guys. I got in water fights with firefighter, learned to play Texas hold 'em, got to watch HBO because we didn't have it at home growing up. I knew the station phone number by heart from the time he joined and actually recited it accurately this last week.
Some of my favorite memories and close friends are Fireman. More than one car emergency has been handled by an Engine from a nearby station. Water to my house turned off when a pipe busted, there were even a few that helped me move out of my first husbands house at 22 and into my own apartment.
The one rule I have always had for myself was I WILL NEVER DATE A FIREMAN. It wasn't because they were bad guys, although I knew a few of them to be less than desirable life partners at moments of their lives. It wasn't that my dad didn't want me to, he has never told me who to date or been overly involved in my love life. I just never wanted him to have to hear about his little girl dating a co worker in the big fraternity that is the Fire Department.
Well wouldn't you know 30 years in a fire station and saying hi to more firefighters than I can count, I am breaking my own rule.
I met him at the Farmers Market. It was cute. We started talking, he is from a station downtown. Turns out we had some mutual friends. In fact, one of the aforementioned Firefighters that moved me out of my Fabulous Ex Husbands house at the ripe age of 22 worked closely with him, so I had a way to vet him.
He knew my dad and told a story of how they had a joke about "back when they were Navy Seals" at the station they both worked at several years back. So I decided to let the conversations continue and check him out.
The first call was to the mutual friend. He let me know that this was a GOOD GUY. Like a really good guy. I said to him "You know me! I only date assholes!" "What am I going to do with a god guy?" Sadly this was a pretty serious question... To which the response was "You need to date this guy, this is going to be a good change, this will be good for you." So with that advice from a trusted buddy, I decided i was going to see where this went.
My next convo, had to be with my father. Telling things to my good buddy, is kind of like taking out a billboard and announcing it to all who will listen. So instead of my dear old dad hearing this from anyone else, i figured it would be best to tell him myself.
"Dad, do you know, the Firefighter?"
"Well, yes. We both worked at station 23 but I don't know him well, why?..."
"I think I am going to date him."
"I have never told you who you can and cannot date, I am not going to start now. I hear he is a good guy and I just want you to be happy. "
That was easy...
So I am a few weeks in on dating a really good guy and I have to tell you it is unlike anything I have ever experienced.
Its considerate, he communicates well, he wants me to be healthy and happy. HE rubs my back and kisses my forehead. It isn't all about sex in fact that is even less of a focus for us than with anyone else. Don't get me wrong the attracting is insane and he is incredible. But it's conversations about growing up, raising kids, losing his parents, past relationships, future plans. Goals, dreams. He makes me want to keep a cleaner house, make the bed, get back in shape, drink less, work harder at my career, be better with money, focus on a future and what i contribute instead of what I can gain from my partner. He isn't overcompensating for lies and cheating. He just is who he is and I have never been in anything like this.
It is a struggle for me to not want to be all in, but for the first time in my life, I want to be patient. I want to let it develop. I want to see how we do with all the first seasons. I am facing some health issues and I don't want to burden him with that, but I also appreciate his support as I navigate through some pretty heavy stuff.
He is just a good good man. For the first time ever, it isn't presents and trips, fancy dinners and binge drinking. It's baseball games, dinner with my parents, swimming laps for hours, encouraging him as he trains for another Iron Man. Setting goals for myself of mini triathlons. Running and having sore muscles. Weekend nights without wine. Healthy cooking, interesting conversations, and a love of nature and history. He impresses me. He makes me believe I could be happy with a whole lot less. That i spent a lot of time dating narcissistic assholes until I finally found a man that was worth living up to my full potential for because he deserves nothing less.
I wanted to write today, sitting at the lake while he ran his few miles and biked for 2 hours. Because this is my love. This is what I want in the future, these are my goals to write, share my stories. Let you all know about how I struggled and then how I survived. I wanted to document the beginning because I am so excited about a future with this one.
But I always am... so as always.... We shall see.
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