My Weighted Blanket

LET ME TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT MY DAY... As always, I gotta catch you up before I get to the story part. New boyfriend, who dis... yup. Record time. I don’t even get embarrassed about my turnaround on who I’m dating any more. And that’s not the point of this post; we can get into that later. 

New man - Mr. Handyman - I’ve had that name picked out since we started talking... He is pretty much the man of my dreams and today solidified that in my mind. 

Mr. Handyman has an ex wife a lot like my 2nd husband. A Kardashian marriage. The whole relationship to engagement and marriage couldn’t have been two whole years. The marriage was over before the 1st anniversary and she was banging his business partner and friends throughout it all. So to say that I understand this, that’s an understatement: I lived this. 

Just like my ex, the divorce is going to be longer than the marriage was and it all has to do with assets. But it’s over and I can say that confidently and break my “never date a man going through a divorce” rule because he literally signed a court document that said he will never have his children around her. I mean it’s over when you would have to give up your kids for a crazy person... but I digress. 

TODAY! We were at the car dealership. He needs a new truck for work so we found a super nice gmc for him. While we were looking he said, I wish Chucks mistress would let me refi the 2018 Ford F-250 platinum. She is threatening to file bankruptcy and that would be so much easier. So I said honestly, you should ask her. 

So he texts and one million text responses come in about anything but the truck and if that’s an option. Him to take the debt over and leave her off of it. Nope. She wants to be sure he knows how he will never love anyone like her and blah blah how great she is and just normal narcissistic cheater/victim mentality vitriol. 

I HATE THIS. I know it’s way over. I know in a divorce the most patient person wins. I’m the one coaching him never to settle. But I HATE THIS! I know his kids are his world. I know he regrets the damage done to his Co parenting relationship with their mom. Like he’s not looking back. He wasn’t looking for me but he isn’t going back to her. Just ask the judge who signed off on the aforementioned custody agreement. 

Regardless of how confident I am in that being in his past - those calls still give me anxiety. Chucks mistress refuses to answer the truck question via text and made him call. So he did and after a few minutes of trying to get a straight answer she finally told him to buy a new truck. 

He returns to me and I’m not mad, I’m not upset, I encouraged the communication. I AM A BALL OF ANXIETY. Lump in my throat, racing heart rate, tears behind my eyes, and I could have vomited on command. This new man reads me well and he picks up on this immediately. 

Ok, so we gotta back up one more time... last weekend we went to Napa for a romantic weekend. You know, ridiculous second dates are my thing. In Napa one morning laying in bed, I’m all anxious again. I was tossing and turning and I couldn’t get comfortable. I was laying on my stomach and he rolls on top of me. All his body weight on mine. He lets his weight go dead and just smashes me. He did this for probably 10 mins and I basically fell back asleep. 

Later in the day I explained that, that physical contact has some science behind it. That the brain releases chemicals that are calming like a really intense hug. It’s the reason weighted blankets are all the rage. If you are anxiety prone. Knowing this is a game changer. 

So back to today, I’m a ball of stress, fear, anxiety and the story I’m telling myself is a whirlwind of illogical bullshit that is just furthering my frustration with his talk with chucks mistress. 

He grabs me tight and hugs me hard, whispering in my ear: “I’m going to lay you down on that table right there and climb on top of you and just smash you. I think people may stare but when I tell them this is what I do to calm you down when you get all fidgety and anxious, it’ll be ok. I just need to smush you” In that moment I almost cried - he loves me so well. 

But he’s right, when I get in my head and can’t control the story I’m telling myself - I need him to weigh me down and ground me. smash me.  

I got a weighted blanket for Christmas and we call it stunt double Dave (his name... gasp) because he is better than being my person or my lobster - this man is my weighted blanket!!!