This is 2020

I’VE BEEN KIND OF AN EMOTIONAL INTROSPECTIVE MESS THIS WEEK. Not sure where all my feelings are pouring from but I’m doing my best to manage and not heap every thought onto the people I love. Writing is becoming more consistent. Reading is becoming a much larger part of my life. I think I’m in a good headspace. 

I use this blog to write about relationships and then men I date. Mostly towards the beginning or end. Recap or excitement, not a lot of deep self reflection in the midst of these love affairs. 

Some times I go through some really heavy shit and it’s months or years later before I want to write about it. It takes me a while to unpack the the deception and abuse I’ve endured over the years. I think I might have trouble acknowledging my roll of allowing behavior to continue. I think I wrap it in the nobility of unconditional love and grace but really it’s not the way God or anyone who cares for me would ever intend I live. 

But true to pattern, new relationship, lots of feelings and emotions rolling around, excitement and expectations. Hope of the promise of new and a different relationship so I have a lot to say, and process. Guess I’ll dive in:

Mr. Handyman is on a family vacation. His boys and parents up at the family condo in Created Butte. We are spending a week a part. Y’all I am good with distance. I am great with distance... I PREFER distance. I remember when I was married to my 2nd husband like wanting him to go on work trips or me to go on work trips just because I like my alone time. I take obnoxiously long baths reading and writing in the tub - but everyone leaves me alone. I liked my weekend boyfriend before he became my live in boyfriend. Granted the distance just made his sex addiction easier to feed and hide. I liked dating a guy in okc because he was only around to take me to dinner once a week and the rest of my time was mine. That was cool until his wife called to let me know he was married. I even liked that the last guy travelled for work because I basically wanted to travel more too. 

I’m good with distance. I like space. I miss this man like I haven’t missed anyone maybe ever. It’s not like a boredom, wish he was here to do stuff with me. Or dependent, I can’t do stuff without someone. No this is like a real sincere I miss him. Like my heart misses him. Our closeness, our intimacy, the conversations that last entirely too long, the time we spend together. I just miss the hell out of this man and THAT is freaking me out. 

So we should just go ahead and acknowledge that I’m pretty much head over heels in love with this man. He’s kind and patient and he works really hard to know me. He makes me feel seen and heard. He apologizes when he hurts me even if he isn’t wrong. He understands my point of view on absolutely everything. He gets deep in his own emotions and pain and he shares with me. He is intimately invested in our relationship. This man knows how to love, love hard and deeply care for people. 

He has so much to give and I have so much to give and we are just the most obnoxious ball of build each other up, processing pain, no secrets, ugly cry, deep seeded insecurities, here are my flaws. Love me as I am and I’ll become the best version of me and love you back 10x over. This man clams me, he reads me, he sees me, he prays over me, he walks in faith with me and he tells me I’m gorgeous even though I’m soft and he has abs and a chest that make me bite my lip when he’s shirtless. 

I’m insane over this man and I really didn’t want to be. 

We said it would be fun and light. We gave eachother the don’t fall in love with me speeches. We made a plan. I knew when he kissed me at a corner table in doubleshot. When he just grabbed my face and kissed me, I was in love. But he was too. I could feel it. 

I’m easy to know. I’m open and vulnerability is a trait I have honed and one I deeply desire. There isn’t a lot of armor or walls. I’m ok with letting people in. I’ve overcome some intense heartbreak. Like really insane stuff, so I’m not really afraid of being hurt. I can overcome pain, heartbreak and disappointment. I just don’t think I’ve found anyone with similar love languages, a similar past, that is so drawn to my empathetic nature and even though we’ve both been damaged; he’s open and vulnerable with me. 

So I miss him. I haven’t missed a man maybe ever but I miss this one. 

I’m so impressed by the foundation we are intentionally laying. The goals we have and the life we want together, someday. Not soon, but when it’s right and we have walked through seasons together. I love how he loves his kids, his parents, respects his ex wife, is so open and willing to be a part of my family. He loves my family, my monster and even has sent her crazy father business. 

He embodies patience, kindness, loyalty, strength. He’s soft and open and his protective and passionate. I look at him and I sometimes tear up because I’m so thankful and loved so well. Sometimes he looks at me and I see his tears too. He said I love you first and abruptly and he meant it. He says it on accident and gets embarrassed when he hangs up the phone in front of his parents. He is thankful they like me and they’re open to me after all he’s been through. I appreciate him. I’m obsessed with him in all the best ways. I’m surprised and overwhelmed almost daily. He’s the man of God I’ve always wanted and never thought I could have. He’s too good for me and I plan to work really hard to love him as well as he does me.