I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING since JFK and I officially broke up months ago. I say "officially" but I think we can more accurately call this a "technical" break up. I fell into the same cycle that I think a lot of women linger in after a relationship ends. I didn't let it.
Don't get me wrong, I am not saying this was right or healthy and it is obviously only possible if the man is on the same page but I really didn't let this relationship come to a screeching halt.
JFK chose to cut out the physical part of dating with only one real notable slip up but everything else stayed the same. He treats me exactly the way he did when we were dating, in fact he is a little better. We spend the same amount of time together, having at least one dinner and drinks date night a week. He sees my daughter and my friends when it works in with his schedule and he calls me every day. We talk multiple times a day and he never doesn't call me back. I am not frustrated because he goes off the grid, he just doesn't really do it as much.
He isn't dating anyone else, at least not that he admits and honestly with the amount of his spare time he spends on me, I tend to believe him. BUT we are not together and we haven't been since November.
Fast forward to March, we spend St. Patrick's Day together and a few things are changing in my life. I am moving into a new fantastic house, I have an amazing job and I have started dating someone else. JFK and I are successfully doing what we set out to do, remain friends.
Just a few little things about this "friendship" are giving me cause to write. I have some mixed emotions I need to get out into the world because I am in a real weird place. I AM COMPLETELY IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND.
You see the problem. We have gotten even closer, we are even better friends than we were. We cut out the physical but we didn't back off on the emotional at all and he sees that too. I have put this boy through more, 'Why aren't we dating?' conversations than any sane man could possibly stand. We have had tearful screaming fights and I have lashed out with anger at him on several occasions but he stayed. He always initiated the apology or offered a humerus voicemail to cut the tension and get us back on track. He never has never given up on wanting me in his life but he insists we are just friends.
Everyone I know, can see that he loves me too. Everyone knows he is young and scared but strangely committed even though he is pushing me to move on, he is encouraging me to start dating which I have reluctantly started to do...
Enter, Hot Doctor. That's right... I met someone and it was like the Universe smacked me in the face and said, here maybe this will help.
I have gone on the occasional date, no more than 2 with a single given guy. I met a hottie on a Girls Ski Trip in Park City, Utah and played boyfriend/girlfriend with him for 3 days but that's it... I was still just pseudo dating JFK and we were having a great time (most of the time).
Then, my childhood best friend Liv comes in town for a quick visit. We hit up a new bar my favorite bartender has just opened, I was actually there with JFK two days earlier. In walks an attractive man who at an 80% empty bar on a Wednesday night sits next to me and introduces himself. We proceed to chat for 4 hours and then he asks for my phone number. I give it to him, not sure if anything will come of this he gives me a polite hug and a peck on the cheek before leaving.
His stats are impressive: 33, never married, no kids. He has moved to Tulsa for his Cardiology Fellowship. That's right this hot guy who hit on me at a bar is a real live single cardiologist. Let that sink in for a second, first off, I didn't know single hot doctors existed outside of prime time TV dramas. Secondly, if this mystical creature does in fact exist they are not interested in me. I am WILD.
I will give myself some credit, since I began this blog in early 2011 I have taken my train wreck of a life and made something of myself. I am in a successful career I have had for over 2 years. I have dated one attractive, successful, respectful man (JFK) for about a year (if you count all the time he didn't realize we were dating). I reached some personal goals too: I bought a new car in 2011, I moved into a cute house and am on the verge of moving into an even nicer house. I am a better mother, in better shape (down 20+ lbs) and I am emotionally the most stable I have ever been. All that being said, I still spend too much money, I just thankfully make more and I drink too much which leads to hilarious antics at some of my favorite watering holes. You can see where a single mother with a sub par credit score and an affinity for boozing might not be the quintessential future wife of a cardiologist.
When he called the very next day and asked me out for Saturday Night, I couldn't say no. I would be an idiot to say no to a date with Hot Doctor.
The date went great, the whole month of dating is going great. He seems to really like me. He seems genuinely interested in most everything I say. He is polite and affectionate. He is passionate and caring. Gorgeous and utterly brilliant. He is a total catch. I am kind of the luckiest girl on the planet that my best friend planned a last minute visit which rearranged my schedule so I could go out with her but then those plans got cancelled so I had to improvise which led us to a casual bar where a Hot Doctor approached me.
The problem is JFK, since he is my best friend and everyone knows the best relationships are with your best friends. He and I have analyzed his fear of commitment and it finally made since in a matter of fact conversation on St. Patrick's Day. He didn't say anything he hadn't said 100 times before but this time it sunk in... "I know where this relationship leads, I know what happens if we start dating again, even casually. It eventually gets serious and I am not ready for that. I am not going to be ready for that, not in like a couple years, I may not be ready for that in like 10 years and I don't want to waste your time. I am wasting your time."
It makes since, in 10 years he could easily marry me and want to have a family... I will be 40 and I don't want to be starting my life with someone who wants and deserves children at 40. If babies are in my future, they are in the next 5 years. I know too much medically to be comfortable having children later in life, even if you can, I do not believe you necessarily should. Besides, I'd rather not be 60 with a teenager and a 40 year old daughter.
In our more recent conversations he has said stuff like, "You and HD are just a better fit." He has inquired as to why and how I can still be stuck on him even a little bit when I have "traded up" so significantly. I answered him honestly,"You are my best friend, I have always wanted to marry my best friend and I can tell you in my 15 years of dating and relationship experience, NO ONE has ever gotten me like you get me." He laughed and agreed with all of it. I get him in the same manner and I am his best friend too.
So, my bestie girl friend watching this saga unfold thinks the more space I put between JFK and myself and the more I open up to HD the more clear this will all become. Her theory is, JFK will either realize he wants this because I am actual perfect for him. OR he will let me go and I will continue to fall for HD.
I just hate that I know what I want, but I cannot have it. It's like being upgraded to First Class and you have to take it but by taking it, you don't get to sit next to your best friend. I am just waiting to see if the Hot Doctor I met in First Class will be who I continue the vacation with or if after our international flight apart, my best friend just can't wait to explore the world with me. (Now that is a good analogy, BOOM!)
