It Wasn't Him....

YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.... I have a tendency to use that phrase to justify some crazy sh*t. Like that time I met a guy on Bumble talked to him for 30 days, was sooooo excited to meet him. Flew to Greece, spent 12 days running around the islands of Croatia and came home - not nearly as excited as I was when we were just FaceTiming every day. 

You really get to know a person when you are traveling in a foreign country with over packed bags. It went from excitement and romantic - to me backing wayyyy off by like the 3rd day. We came home and I thought we might spend some time together, see if we could make things work but we just never quite got back in sync. 

No matter how much talking and trying it was just too hard. It wasn't the easy fun relationship I had hoped for and the man that was all "life is what you make it," full of positivity, he wasn't really that person. It was petty fights, and no real communication afterward. I was talked over, mansplained, and outright ignored and then expected to act like nothing had happened. 

I think my emotional maturity, my ability to communicate, the level of respect I require. We didn't align. He didn't have kids and he didn't really gel with my girl. I don't think he is a bad person and I would never ask him to change. He just wasn't my person. He wasn't what I thought I was getting and I am sure in some ways I wasn't what he thought either. 

We made a 4 month run at a relationship and it just wasn't meant to be. I know he is hurting. I know he misses me. I know he isn't wanting to get back out there. I feel for him and I have a lot of empathy but I just knew it wasn't going to work anymore. We are in different places, with different goals. We have very different personalities and no matter how hard we tried, it really was better off with us just moving forward on our own. 

So whenever a relationship ends I like to reflect on it. Find the lessons, enjoy the good moments. Think of him fondly, send him light and love, respect the path we walked together and keep moving. 

I had some personal changes during my season with the  World Traveller. I made a massive career change right at the beginning. I left a position at a company I had been with for years. I hadn't felt stable there for probably 18 months or so, I hadn't been compensated in what I would deem as the most fair for landing them a monster piece of business. It was always "what have you done for me lately" and I was drained. I wasn't serving my customers well. I wasn't serving myself. It was very much like that meme that references you being replaced upon your death without a hiccup by big corporations and not killing yourself for "the Man" because it isn't worth it. Also, I heard a speaker I admire say, she had never met a really happy person that was miserable in their career. There is too much of your life spent working to hate what you do. So I left. I took on a new opportunity and I have never looked back. 

My new job isn't the point here - the point is that change. Removing that instability. Finding something to feel really content doing - well it kind of changed my thinking about a lot of things. For one, I reflected on the last year. The fear of not having a life partner or a safety net. The fear of providing all on my own for my kid. The fear of the unknown. All of that was really really terrifying. But a year later - I survived. I made some changes, I learned to trust myself again. I got back into the swing of really living for myself and I decided that a relationship for the sake of just having someone there was not what I wanted. I wanted to stand on my own two feet and I finally felt like I was in a position not to settle. 

So I took a good look at what I wanted in the next one and for the first time in a long time, I came back to God. I have been doing this my way for a long time and it has not been working. So this time, I want a spiritual leader, I want a Godly man. I want someone who knows who they are in the Lord, that is seeking him out. That is held accountable to his actions by a power much greater than me... than what I have to offer. I want a man seeking God first. 

I have settled for "spiritual" or a believer that isn't feeding his soul every day, or every week. That isn't make that relationship a priority. I think it took my 20 years almost exactly to figure out that I was never going to make it without trusting God and seeking him myself. 

See this new little job of mine has some pretty amazing clients. We are in the Faith Based Media sector for a lot of it. So coming back to my roots, coming back to the heart of worship, the prodigal child returning - so to speak. It is changing me. I can feel it changing me. Reading a verse and reflecting on all the things I am grateful for on a daily basis. It is inspiring me. I am remembering how I really want to live. A life full of love and joy. 

So the next man I let into my life, into my heart and invest a piece of my soul in - that man is going to be seeking God first.