A little boy taught me how to tie my shoes when I was two at Miss Helens Nursery and Dance School back in 1985. I think my first diary entry when I could write was somewhere around 6 years old and at that time, Adam Granis "didn't know I was even alive." I had a crush on the same boy from Kindergarten until I was probably damn near 30.
My first kiss was an older boy from church who I had pined after since he caught me running down a way too steep incline at a church retreat in 1994. In 1998 when I was a sophomore and he was a senior in high school; I was his little brother's date to a winter formal. There, he asked me to dance, and gave me my first real kiss.
My mom still laughs about when I was "too young to date" as a freshman in high school, what seemed like the entire baseball team came to pick me up to take me to the fair. I wasn't allowed to date; but I was always good with working the system to my advantage.
I have gone from relationship, to crush, or pursuit of relationship my entire life.
If I am honest with myself, the 20s when I was basically single raising Maddie; I was always dating someone. There has been a man interested in me or me in him at every moment of my life from what seems like infancy to now.
As I reluctant as I have been to embrace the months of healing and singleness post The Handyman aka the Most Toxic Relationship of My Life (and that is saying something). I can see how I have slowly become more and more in-tune with the necessity of solitude in healing.
I pretty firmly believe you cannot get under one to get over another, no matter how much I tried in my 20s. You cannot simply replace the object of your affection with a new version when you have felt the sting of rejection. You cannot heal the wounds of lovers past by pouring yourself into someone new; no matter how good those attachment hormones feel in the beginning.
You CANNOT become who you are supposed to be without some sort of season of solitude in self reflection. Or maybe more accurately - I CANNOT.
I cannot keep repeating the patterns that you can literally read the last 12 years of in this blog; and expect a different result. But this season of solitude I am finally embracing - it is for more.
One of the main focuses of 2021 for me has been to reduce my alcohol consumption; increase my time in devotionals, scripture, and prayer; fill my mind with positive and affirming ideas that motivate, challenge, and encourage me - less TV more books; and be the strongest version of myself physically, comfortable in my own skin for the long term.
I am proud to say I am actually in a rhythm with this. The reduction in drinking has really cleared my mind and made a 5:30am wake up time routine.
I start my day in the Word which is a habit of mine very few know anything about. I have watched my mother sit at the kitchen table for as long as I can remember spending hours pouring over the Bible and in prayer for friends and family. This has become such a routine; I swear Jesus hears my little momma first in his line of requests on a daily basis.
A few scriptures that have encouraged me to keep this momentum going are Proverbs 31:15 "She gets up while it is still dark" and Romans 12:2 "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of the world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." Lamentations 3:22-23 "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."
The other scriptures that have really spoken to me about this Season of Solitude have been in my studies of Jesus himself. When he went off into the wilderness to pray for 40 days and 40 nights before he was crucified. He had his own "season of solitude" wrestling with the task before him. The great sacrifice he was called to make.
How important is the Season of Solitude when being called into my next chapter of life? In my mind it is INSANELY important and for the first time EVER I am willing to embrace it. In fact, I am ready for it.
Relationships are exhausting and for me; the last one was particularly traumatic. Although I tried with all my might to let my usual routine of avoidance walk me through the hard parts; this one I couldn't. I had to face it. I had to face the violence, the lies, the literal Psychopath that slept next to me for months. The man who stole from me, and abused me. He emotionally tortured me, and he enjoyed it. He went so far as to compliment me "emotional abuse looks good on you" referencing my dramatic weight loss; heavily encouraged (demanded) by him.
When I went into my old patterns, finding someone new that I liked more than him to take my mind off him; some one new to build something with - I don't even do this intentionally. I actually convince myself I am over it; and then begin the process of stepping back out there after a few days or weeks of mourning. I even try to remain friends with exes as I move on, like I am proving to them (and myself) that I am ok with whatever transpired.
This time - I was broken. For real broken. I no longer trusted myself; let alone anyone else. I no longer could believe what my intuition was telling me about another person's intentions or the motives behind actions. This one shattered me. It wasn't what he did to me; all though that was horrific. It was what I DID TO MYSELF. I stayed. I came back. I feel for the cycle of abuse, the alienation of affection that pushed me to make changes to earn the lavish love I was once shown back; followed by the damage of trusts and promises to change from him.
He showed me just enough good, just enough potential, just enough of what he knew I wanted - and I stayed.
The ending made me stronger. I stood up to him in a way that will help any other girl faced with his temper, and abuse escape - when she is ready. But also, I learned a whole lot more about me.
This time, the men I met on apps or through friends they weren't appealing to me. And the one, who was... was mature enough to let me know He wasn't ready and in turn, I realized how not ready I am too.
I played with the idea of finding someone, I gripped tightly to Scott Who'snotinlovewithme for affection and to fill the gap. I went on dates, I had conversations... I TRIED to do things the same old way. I TRIED. Trust me. I battled this tooth and nail for as long as I could... and then... Finally, I gave in.
This is it: This is my Season of Solitude. The time to really focus on the desires of my heart and what I want moving forward. To build the entrepreneurial business of my dreams, to start the new blog, podcast, and Facebook Group; to dedicate 2 hours of my morning to time with God and myself. To be intentional with prayer and manifestation. To be healthy physically and spend several hours of my week running, in yoga, and lifting weights. This is the last 6 months of having a child. In June she is officially an adult; headed off to college. This is the season that I focus on what I will do with my time when it isn't spent being a mom 7 days a week.
I deeply desire a life partner. You know that, that has not changed. I would give just about anything to slap Scott Who'snotinlovewithme into the realm of understanding how utterly perfect we would be together. I want the man of my dreams I articulated in detail years ago on this very blog. I yearn for him; whoever he maybe. My soul aches for this person who is meant to be my partner in life. I would do anything to meet him, and I have. I have tried everything... But ONE.
Not looking. Working solely on me. Becoming the Woman I was called to be outside of any man. Building the empire I want... All on my own. Not with someone else carrying weight. This is the time that I let God, the Universe, whatever higher power you believe in; this is the time that I let Him do what needs to be done in me. I am in a season of preparation for the next great thing. Whether it is a business venture, or personal adventures I am not sure - I would bet a bit of both.
I am ushering it in. I am a magnet for all the good things God is wanting to do in my life. And I am going to document this in many ways as I push forward in 2021.
I have my prayer journal, which contains scriptures, gratitudes, and affirmations. I have a workout and food journal holding me accountable to my health and fitness goals. I have a handful of girlfriends who are listening to my stories and watching me wrestle reluctantly into this season of solitude when I would much rather have a hot cowboy taking me to two step. I am keeping a calendar of alcohol consumption to be sure I am breaking the generational dependency on booze as a form of self medication. I deleted the apps that I turn to in moments of boredom, mindlessly swiping left and right looking for connections that will not fulfill the desires of my heart. I am finally, finally doing this thing.
I guess I have been for a while but now, I am doing it intentionally.
I literally cannot wait to see what is in store for me this year. 2021 although not perfect by any stretch, full of spinning plates in the air; its already such a peaceful fulfilling year for me.
I hope it is for you too.
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