Rollercoaster of Love

TODAY CAME WITH AN ARRAY OF EMOTIONS AND TONIGHT I CANT SLEEP. I gotta get some of this out of my head so my body can rest. 

The story I wrote this morning gave me some clarity. When I called the handyman to coordinate work stuff today and he asked how I was; I wasn’t fine. I was distant. I was hurt. I was uncomfortable with where we were but I wasn’t willing to leave him hanging. 

When we met it was similar. I wasn’t overly affectionate like a cat purring at his legs begging for attention. I was focused. I wanted to get some shit done. Make a plan and be sure we were moving his stuff in the right direction. I wanted to reduce his overall stress and get on with my day. 

He turned the conversation back to us. He apologized. He owned his failure. He reconciled. He acknowledged that reading the description of how he felt and what he was hoping for in 2017 when he really started dating chucks mistress - that same statement could be made about me and he knew it. He realized he was an idiot. He understood he was pushing me away; self sabotaging the good thing our relationship was in his life. 

He gave me what I needed validation and an apology with an assurance of changes behavior. Then he asked me to go to the gym and I happily agreed. 

When I took him back to the job site after these conversations- I said did we just get back together with out the caveat that you can’t be accountable to this real relationship. He said, I think we did. 

He thanked me for staying. For not letting him destroy us. 

So after work, we went to the gym. 

I loath the gym but he LOVES it. He’s like a kid in a playground. He could spend all damn day there. I can barely walk in the door without having a panic attack. But I love everything we do together and the gym is one of those things. The first time we went I was an anxious wreck. I complained. It hurt. He patiently made me keep going. The second time we went it was better. I was super self conscious of my arms in the mirror and the way I looked. But a week later, I wanted to go. 

I wanted to do this with him. I like the way he works out with me. We don’t go do our own things. I force him to do legs and he makes me really do squats. I am so proud to run around that place with my smoking hot man that lovingly smiles at me while I work out with him. 

I want the endorphins and the muscle definition and the slimmer waste line so bad. I want to show him my work ethic can be tailored into really good habits. That the way I’ve become complacent and lethargic with my physical health is something that I want to fix. That i will see his passion for fitness and be a worthy partner in that. 

I’ve needed someone to push me to this for a long long while. So the gym. The physical activity that we do together running around there for an hour and half was the bonding time I needed. It was what I wanted to do with my night. 

Then we ate salads and parted ways. Him to his house to spend some time with his boy and me to mine to take a hot bath and veg out. 

We’ve been texting and our conversation turned back to our good day. Then to my blog. He read it. Then he responded with more of a confession than I needed but I think he felt like I deserved some validation in being right even when it was something I didn’t want to be right about. He said he’d do whatever I need. So I told him. I need it gone. I need to never speak of it again. I need the cougar out of both of our lives. He said done. That he was done hurting me with his selfishness. No more of this. Then he said I choose you and I love you. 

That’s what I need. I need chosen. Today and tomorrow and the day after that. I need him to take one day at a time choosing me. Choosing joy. Choosing us. I need him to see our value past this season. 

So tonight and today and moving into tomorrow; we are still in this thing together. We are still pushing forward. Throwing away the broken bricks and building our foundation with the lessons learned and promises we plan to keep. 

Today was a good day and I’m glad I haven’t gotten off this ride too soon.