Sunday the Cougar reared her ugly head for what I hope is the last time. But a part of me has to be kind of thankful. I am thankful for the 3 hours of emotional conversations that followed. The decision that the temptation of her wasn't nearly as appealing as he originally thought. I am thankful for the raw communication between us and the disapproving looks from his mother at the thought of being untrue to me. I am thankful it was a tipping point.
I can't bring myself to get more into the details but basically, she contacted me again after reading a strategically placed facebook post. It might be beneficial to know that I create Digital Strategy for giant companies for a living. That I tell people how to use Facebook/Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, and all other forms of Google to drive their desired results. It probably also would make sense that I have used social media as a form of accountability when dating the sex addict. I know how to extract the information I am looking for; I am the reason you think Facebook can read your mind.
So for as real, vulnerable, and on my heart the post about being chosen was... it was also public, and at an opportune time to be searched by someone checking to see if the Handyman was still with me.
We had a good weekend. Our Saturday was amazing. I met his youngest son, who I get along with smashingly. We found lots of common ground and I know our time together made the Handyman's heart simultaneously sore, and leap out of his chest in terror.
Decisions were made. My persistent, confident, no nonsense personalty took over and I decided that this relationship, was still worth it. But HE decided more than me. He realized what he was doing. The self sabotage, how much he loved me. He owned up to his mistakes. He tried to push me away. But ultimately, he gave me exactly what I needed.
I think it is important to note, this is not the norm. That the calm manner I have been able to handle these fractures in our trust is nothing less than divine. I am not the jealous crazy person to the extent that I have known myself to be. I am forgiving. I am not interested in keeping score. I understand his thought process, his pain, and what pushed him to any point. I see his issues as his, and I am not owning them as my own. It was never for me to figure out. It was all about him and I can tell you I would certainly rather go through these growing pains early. I want the questions in our compatibility to come quick. I don't want to be a year in and be blindsided by this shit, and a lot of women are...
If you are going to look for better, look for better sooner rather than later. AND by all means realize you are a moron. Just stop.
So after that teary evening together, hashing out all our pain and fears. Monday he hit the therapist... Thank GOD. I was a little weary of what he might say. Too much too quick. This is too serious. What are you doing... But no, he was so encouraging of the finality and moving forward. He encouraged him to be happy. To not punish himself. Even better than that, he said stop being a shithead. That isn't you. You aren't Chuck's Mistress. Go be the man you want to be.
That is what it took, because I could tell him until I am blue in the face, you are making decisions that are out of character. But it wouldn't matter. It doesn't have any weight coming from me: Don't be an unfaithful dick, not for me, but because that isn't you, and you have to live with you. Don't lie because lying makes you feel guilty and horrible and you are the one that lives with those horrific feelings of betrayal.
It means nothing when I say it, but his trusted advisor... That is what we needed.
So here we are a Disney vacation later and we are stupid happy. I am so confident in who he is and what we are doing. This is the man. This is the steadfast, loyal, capable, caretaker that I fell in love with instantly. This man that knows me and reads me, and manages my meltdowns, that feels my stress. He is exactly what I have hoped for and wanted my entire life.
We are so obnoxiously in love people comment on it. A woman sitting across from us at a restaurant bar, after hours of watching us interact and talk, and kiss and just love on each other yelled; "you are a lucky girl." Before I could ever respond, he said, "no I am the lucky one." I just added, "I know, I am so unbelievably lucky. We are lucky. We know we are so lucky."
It is that kind of connection I have always wanted. The one other people see and think, how? What do they have? Because the answer is, we built this thing on faith and Jesus. It was when I stopped trying to control it. When I became ok completely alone. It was when he stopped looking for superficial wins. Man, when we relinquished control and just said ok God, I see you. This feels right. That is when my heart was blessed by a man that quietly prays over me when I lay on his shoulder. That out loud lifts my baby's safety and security and happiness up before her big weekend. That tears up like a parent when she WINS. He loves me well and I have said that since day 1. Despite our growing pains, our questions, and our damage. He loves me like I have never been loved before and I am as #blessed as they come because of it.
So it wasn't a perfect week. There were tears, it was a busy one. But damn we really made an effort, and a commitment to eachother this week. For that I am so grateful.
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