Tell Me Your Secret

“Tell me your secret” was a comment on a Facebook photo of the handyman and me. An adorable couple picture from a trip we took to Napa when we first started dating. When I first read it I wanted to reply and say there is no secret. This man is a train wreck and all you see are happy photos because this is Facebook. You want to know the secret to dating near 40? People are broken. 

That’s the secret. Every person dating at my age is broken. Heart broken with some massive damage to trust and self esteem. Every one of us is carrying the burden of lovers lost. The mistakes of the ones me drove away. The heart ache of betrayal by a person we invested in, and trusted. We are all broken. 

The secret is love. Real love. Not the what can you do for me love but the kind of love that just says, I’m going to be the best version of myself for you. I’m going to love and respect you and navigate this relationship purposefully trying to do the very least amount of damage to you. I’m going to hope and pray we work out but I’m going to love you so much that if we don’t, I want what’s best for you and hope you find what you need. The secret is a selfless love with low expectations and a massive amount of commitment. 

Crazy right? Sounds like setting yourself up for heartbreak and failure. If I have no expectations for the handyman. For the time he allocates to me and this relationship. No expectations of the way he loves me, how he tells me he loves me, how he shows me he loves me. No expectations for his side of this, I just know I love him and I am committed. How can that possible work?! 

Frankly, I don’t know. I’ve not ever tried it this way. But my mother who is happily married to the love of her life and found him at 38; has always told me to lower my expectations and up my commitment. 

I think this kind of love takes a like minded person. A man with a relationship with God that holds him accountable to something much higher than his loyalty to a girl he’s been dating a few months. That he has to know how to lower his expectations of me too. That he isn’t expecting me to only do and act the way he needs but that he is allowing space for me to be who I am and honor what I want in life and love as well. I think it takes two people lowering expectations and upping there commitment in the hard times. 

That’s exactly what I did last week. When the pain and trauma and the world felt like too much crashing around the handyman. When the only part of life he felt he could exercise control over was our relationship and he demanded space. He wanted to end it so it wasn’t a burden. I didn’t walk away. I lowered my expectations and I upped my commitment. 

I stopped forcing my level of communication on him. I stopped expecting him to know and understand all of the thoughts running through this head. I paused my “so many words”. I stepped back in the day to day and only sought moments of convenience as how I could be in his life. I showed him my love and commitment by serving him. One of my most dominant love languages is acts of service. So instead of demanding time and attention from him. I gave him back his time and let him control his focus. 

The results were great for both of us. I was more focused at work. I had a greater sense of accomplishment in my day to day. I enjoyed the couple of coffees I dropped by and I solved a problem every time I stepped foot onto his job site. I made my presence as much as a help and benefit as possible. In return, I got a happy loving boyfriend. 

He slowly came out of his hardened shell. He slowly relaxed back into the space our relationship takes up in his life. He started to see the value and trust that we aren’t a depletion of time and resources. He saw my independence again. He took space and he looked forward to seeing me for an afternoon coffee. He took time to drink a glass of wine and unwind with me late night after a 12 hour long work day. He met me at the gym on Friday when I was going anyway. 

When I asked for a plan for Sunday and told him what I wanted and he said no because he already had an idea in his head but then he included me and Maddie in his day. I felt like that was how it was supposed to be. 

He stepped up for me too. He called in the morning and he called at night. He took on my need for communication in the times that I wanted it most. We had days to catch up on and full eachother in on. He listened and advised when I had problems arise. 

So the secret to my seemingly happy relationship is a whole lot of patience wrapped in even more trust, with an unwavering amount of commitment and persistence even when he is ready to toss in the towel and take a vow of celibacy as a beer making monk. It’s not always easy and it’s definitely not comfortable. It goes against every selfish human  instinct that comes naturally. But it’s worth it. This man I wish he saw himself the way I see him. I wish he understood his value and the way I love all his pieces. Maybe someday he will. But for now I’ll just take the moments we have together and be so thankful he is mine.