The Constant Process

I REMEMBER VIVIDLY WHEN MY EX HUSBAND LEFT ME. I remember the process of grief. The absolute psychotic outbursts. The showing up to his office and telling him I will sit here and wait until you come talk to me. The crying in the car as I begged him to give our BRAND NEW marriage a chance. 

I was a kind of devastated I never imagined. A lost, broken shell of a woman. I was angry. I wanted to know why? Why make me fall in love with you. Why promise me forever. Why propose on Valentine’s Day with a private dinner on a beach in Cabo with the ring of my dreams; tears streaming down both our eyes with such detail you even had specifically found a way to buy me the dress I was wearing for the occasion. Why take this whole, healed badass of a woman and break her. 

When I met Mr. Greaseman my career in telecom had just taken off. I was about to hit my first 6 figure year. I had the most adorable house in a neighborhood I loved. I had a group of friends I adored and I was dating. I was put together. He found me, he fell in love quick. He wanted to give me the world. We moved in, got engaged, eloped and had a beautiful wedding. Bought the house of my dreams and moved in 10 days before Christmas. I had us completely unpacked and hosting our families for the holidays. He was my forever. We had it all. Good friends, a lake house, nice cars, a boat, lots of trips and I thought we were happy. 

Sure sex in his office at lunch had stopped and we had stress. We dumped all of savings into my ring, the two houses, and our new boat. His ex wife wasn’t easy to deal with and his daughter was in constant competition with mine and with me over daddy’s love. But it never felt like we had major problems but then again, I was in charge and had everything I ever wanted. 

I warned him about his assistant. I warned him about the girl who saw the name on the door and wanted it. I warned him about protecting our marriage in moments of weakness, not giving another woman the tools to come between us. Not emotionally confiding in another to fix what I didn’t even know was broken. I warned him about her the very day I met her. 

I was right. He failed me. He failed to protect our sacred vows. He failed to communicate with me. When he felt broken, emasculated and not worthy, he didn’t talk to me - he talked to her. I couldn’t compete with the bond of a women exacerbating my errors and fixing my mistakes. Giving him what I use to and without realizing it; no longer did. 

He left me. Shattered. A virtually suicidal shell of a woman that didn’t know how to recover from the man she waited her whole life for. I didn’t rush into this; I’d been single and dating for 8 years. I had 2 years of therapy under my belt dealing with my issues. I had done the work on me. I had a really healthy past relationship that ended and we had remained friends. I was ready. 

The pain was unbearable and here I am 5 years later two blocks away from the dream house he bought me that another woman calls hers; and I still think about him. I don’t usually let my mind process the good that was in those years. I don’t let myself focus on the bad. I have fleeting moments that I push away. But when I think about him, I think about what I learned, the mistakes I made, and how it changed me as a person. 

I learned how to be a wife from him. I may not have learned it until it was too late but my subsequent relationship benefitted from my ability to be a partner. I learned not to take but how to give. I learned how to be thankful for another person showing up for me and not expecting or demanding that of them. I learned how to make a man feel like a man. I learned the art of not correcting him, not belittling, not pointing out his flaws and fixing him. 

I can see where the broken person I was put me in the path of my next toxic love affair. I see how I stayed with the sex addict for 3 years. I know why I didn’t walk away two months in because I wanted to be in love and have a life with someone. I wanted to prove I was worthy. I needed my ex to see someone else wanted me even if he didn’t. 

In that relationship I learned patience, forgiveness, and how to set healthy boundaries. I learned how to be a really good step mother. How to know my roll and stay in my lane. How to love a little shit of a teenager through the years she didn’t even like me much until I became a person she could heavily rely on and wanted in her life. I put myself back together again in the next relationship. He dealt with tears and pain and me ending it on an almost weekly basis. He handled my angry outburst. He inflicted a new kind of damage on me but I was a willing participant. 

He ended up not being a good investment long term and I didn’t stick around. Those boundaries I learned I put into practice. The character flaws I saw, I knew to look for something different. 

In the year and a half following that relationship, I dated without much purpose. Or maybe with an evolving purpose. At first I wanted security again. I needed a worthy partner because this single mom stuff alone is terrifying. I don’t think it was a conscious way of dating but I can look at it now and say it was definitely what was happening. 

The first guy I met was good. He is a good man. He tried hard. He was being patient and saw my potential and he wanted a life with me. I toyed with him. I strung him along, dated other people, told him I wasn’t ready, told him I was, ghosted him, came back, I messed with him until he disappeared. He’s such a good guy though if I text him right now he would greet that with compassion and understanding. 

The next couple were similar. Good good guys. Liked me. I was a flighty mess. Processing my pain and just needing attention. I was taking from them. Then Mr AF1 came in - brilliant and promising the world. The “security” I thought I was looking for. After the closure of that train wreck - really putting my new found boundary skills into place. I wanted to try and fix things with joe. 

Joe and I made a good pair. Although I over looked a couple of warning signs and to this day will never know if the warnings were giant red flags or just personality differences. He tested the waters, assured himself he could have me back and then let me go. I deserved that. 

Then the fireman - best man I’ve dated in years. Not my person but an amazing guy. Mr toilet popped back up into my life and the universe gave me closure I had been desperately seeking for a decade. The world traveler showed me the same thing the fireman did in a different way: it doesn’t have to be forever and it’s ok if it doesn’t work. 

Now the Handyman. He checks all my boxes (except height, LOL) but I went back to the blog post from July in between the fireman and the world traveler where I wrote down exactly what I wanted and it’s him. It’s totally him. 

We have a whole new set of obstacles to overcome. He’s in a place very similar to where I was when Mr. Greaseman left me in pieces. I’m a lot better of a person to build a foundation with than my sex addict ex. It might be stupid but I’m giving it a chance. He could easily hurt me but I don’t know that he will and he is so very worth the risk.