I Wish I Liked Girls

I write about boys all the time but today I feel the need to write about girls. I think it's time we figure out why I don't really like them.  Obviously, this isn't a confession into my new found lesbianism as the title could misread. It's about how even as a girl, I don't understand girls in relationships.

Starting around Sophomore year of high school I decided that I really disliked girls, more that girls didn't like me. Don't get me wrong I had like two girl friends that I hung out with all the time and high school would have completely sucked without them but at 15 I was pretty certain I wasn't a girlfriend kind of girl. 

Over the next decade my opinion on this would fluctuate. I have had periods where I have tried to have girl friends; buying into the idea that the only reason girls don't have girl friends is because they are slutty or bitchy or some other derogatory characteristic associated with females. I don't necessarily believe that now. I kind of think sluts are a pack animal but I digress.

If I look at my relationships with females the same way I began to analyze my male romantic relationships back in February I have to face the hard fact that I am the constant. So maybe the reason my friendships with other females have a year or two expiration, is just me. I would like to blame every other woman on the planet but that isn't very logical.

Every job I have ever had has come with female conflict. I never start out with a girl just excited and happy to meet me, no I start in the negative every single time. When I was working at summer camps, I just hung out with the boys. As a lifeguard and the coffee shop I just flirted with the boys. Until I became a waitress at a sports bar, then I got hit on by boys. That job was a blast, girls were nice because the owner loved me. It didn't hurt that my roommate (Liv) and I made the biggest tips and rang the largest checks.

Then, came big girl jobs. I actually had a boss at 22 tell me after we had become friends that she was surprised she liked me the day I interviewed. She confessed to making me wait while she went to the bathroom and discussed with the other girl I would be working with how big of a waste of time I was going to be. I confessed I already knew that; I could feel it when I sat down that I was starting in the negative. Every job until the one I have now has started with a bunch of bitches who hate me. Currently I work on a sales staff of all men and one other female, Mrs. Cop. We have an office Mom too. I haven't had an issue with anyone there. 

My brother and I discussed my lack of female friends and his opinion was very insightful. He said even with girls you consider very good friends there is this weird judgment you all pass on each other. Ding! Ding! Ding! How true is that?! Honestly, we do. I do it, I try not to but I am no better. I absolutely judge the boys my friends date, the way they handle relationships with their families, friends and romantic partners. It isn't fair but it happens.

It wasn't until I was faced with my most recent personal drama that I realized who I actually had let into my life. I have had the most amazing support. My therapist, my office mom and my childhood best friend, Thank God for Liv. The only other person 'in the know' of any real intimate details of my life, I regret which makes me sad.

Regardless, I feel like I am a really good friend. I am understanding through situations that warrant pure selfishness as a way to cope. I do what is asked, whether it be to be the party girl distraction or the tearful confidant. I have been around whenever I was needed. I never claim to make the best decisions or have my life totally together but I am a really good friend. I don't feel like I have really good friends in return. 

I remember this scene in Ally McBeal where Georgia asks Ally out of frustration, "What makes your issues so much bigger than everybody else's?" The answer was painfully honest, "They're mine." If that is what relationships with females are like; placing yourself above everyone else, I see why I don't have many female friends. I am fortunate enough to have  sisters, a mom and a best friend since I was 5 who unconditionally love me and I them. There is nothing and I mean nothing they could do to change that. I get that the family is sort of stuck with me but I am lucky there. I have an amazing group of women I am honored to be related to.

Lately, I am most thankful that I have been able to be here for Liv through the most difficult time in her life. I have cried with her, drank wine with her, packed boxes and reminisced over countless memories. I am thankful that in her weakest moments I have been able to hold her hand and do what ever was necessary to allow her the slightest bit of comfort. I am thankful that God gave me her and she takes care of me in the same manner. She has come to me out of love in every situation we have ever faced. I am thankful that instead of 5 girl friends in this life, at 5 years old He gave me one. One girl that would be a constant driving force. I am so much better for knowing her. I am blessed actually blessed by her.

I guess by the end of writing this blog I am no longer disappointed in my lack of female friends because at the end of the day I would rather be able to talk with my mother and my one good girl friend than anyone else in the world.