My very real need for clarity... and it isn't even about a boy.

Most of the time I write for clarity. I am not sure I have ever actually written for anxiety, at least not anxiety that wasn't over a boy but today I am. Today I am going to write through an anxiety attack. This writing will be my therapy or at least my distraction until it passes. 

I am not sure if you have ever experienced an anxiety attack. A real live unexplainable panic attack for no good reason. I get them, I get them a lot. I couldn't even tell you when they started it honestly seems like I have always had them. I know I wasn't treated for them until 2004 after my Thyroid Surgery. Although, the doctors have said my fluctuating hormone levels and cancer at 19 would have brought them on, I'm pretty sure they have always been there. It is an undeniably miserable feeling.

For instance tonight, I have no reason to be anxious. Plans for a meeting at church with my childhood friend Marcus fell through and I had made arrangements for my ex-hubby to keep our daughter but that is it. There is no reason for this. 

It's like shaking, but shaking inside, sometimes I think you can physically see it too. But my mind starts racing and every thought of what could possibly be wrong runs through. Nothing is an issue, I can't find the trigger. I want to cry and leave. So I distract myself with mindless TV sitting in my bed. I love my bed, it's comfortable here. Tonight, this isn't better. It's strong, a shaking and surge of emotions I cannot explain. I cannot figure out why, so then, I feel crazy. Because I have no reason to be crying or shaking, or like I just need to leave my own house. There is nothing wrong here. 

I'm stressed a little, and yes I had a big month of health issues and surgery but I am fine. I started back to work and it was fine. It isn't perfect but it will take me a day or two to get back in the swing of things. I am happy to be there. I am happy to be back. I got an email from my old boss' boss who was my absolute favorite higher level exec I have ever been around. I was so thrilled he reached out to me today. I told him I was in need of a pep-talk, I miss how motivating he could be and I miss him at my company. It all seems a little more unstable since he is gone. My job is stressful but what sales job isn't, especially in this economy. 

I am writing through the incidental fear waiting for my xanex to kick in, which it will. This will pass. I just hate when they start and then I try to be a big girl and just ignore it, hope it will pass, so I let it go on, I let it build. Until finally I take the damn drugs my sound doctor has prescribed me for years. The drug that has this stigma from stupid party kids who want them to get high and binge drink while they take them. A drug that I can take and function on, because when you experience this they help. It helps. 

This writing has helped, I am calm. My thoughts are fluid. I have acknowledged my flaw and it has nothing to do with a boy, its just me. A part of me that I have learned to live with, that I hope I haven't passed on through genetics or unstable upbringing to my precious little girl. 

At the end of this I am better. I feel normal, again. The 15 minutes this took to write and a phone call from my sister reassuring me that my crazy was really OK, maybe not normal but I wasn't alone in it... If you happen to struggle like me, I can only hope you have a sister too. It makes everything better.